Chapter 13 - It's The Little Things
Camille went straight to bed after her talk with James, but sleep didn't come easily. Her thoughts turned to James and how the last four years had really been for him. On paper, he was rather successful. He was about to complete a college career with decent-ish grades (it is James, after all), on top of being a state hockey champion, retired international pop star, and former Cuda spokesperson. James accomplished everything he'd set out to do. James' success wasn't without its struggles, and while he'd certainly gotten what she thought was the better end of the deal, she was proud of him.
She chuckled as she thought of what everyone would say if they knew that she had a fling with The James Diamond. Big Time Rush was a guilty pleasure of many of her former waitress co-workers and it was no secret that James was the hot one. The James Diamond that the world saw was just one facet to the young man she'd grown up with, though. They were instant friends and even at first glance she could tell there was more to him underneath that beautifully tanned and sculpted exterior. The two of them had many conversations about how, though he was proud of his looks, he thought he could never get past them. His appearance was both a blessing and a curse to him. Despite their past, she still knew he was a kind soul and he really cared about her and everyone he knew.
There was a specific memory that she had of James that had endeared him to her for good. They had both gone to audition for Witches of Rodeo Drive together, and though he'd gotten the role over her, James turned it down to make her feel better. He'd tried to keep it a secret, but when the call came through, she could hear the entire conversation. She'd never reveal the knowledge, of course, but after that day, Camille noticed him doing little things like that for others. He was a fierce protector of his friends, even more so of the girls in his life (especially Katie Knight, for some odd reason), and he truly was Camille's best friend.
Yes, it's true, James was a great friend, but those first two weeks after their little indiscretion broke her completely, and he'd never know how much it killed her. Sure, James wasn't her first, but he was the first to mean something. It tore at her that she couldn't share her happiness with anyone. Even if she hadn't promised James to keep quiet, Jo was busy shooting her new show and the boys would have murdered James for breaking the Best Friend Code. As the days and the hangover passed, the story became warped in her mind, sweet and romantic one moment, bitter and horrifying the next. And then the pregnancy came. The prospect of bringing a child into the world was so great and overwhelming that the anger consumed Camille until she couldn't separate fact from fiction. What do you do when your world is falling apart and your best friend is to blame?
At least she had a few people who she could talk to after the fact. Her father wouldn't support her monetarily, but he did check in with her every once in a while, and so did Lucy. Kendall didn't even know any of this had happened. Did James tell anyone? Did he wonder about the two of them? Did he wonder about her? Admittedly, she had a lot more important things to worry about than James but that didn't mean he didn't cross her mind from time to time. It wasn't usually pleasant, but it happened. How did he think of her? God. He must hate me.
Seeing that sleep wasn't going to happen anytime soon, Camille got up and went to her suitcase. Looking through the pockets, eventually she pulled out a worn envelope. On each of Henry's birthdays, Camille had written letters to James recounting all the things he had missed that year. She never intended to send them, but still, every year Camille sat down wherever she could and penned the details of Henry's life, like his first step, his first teeth and his diagnosis with ADHD. Looking over the letters, Camille thought of all the things that James had missed out on in Henry's life, and in hers. While she and Henry had had a rough time of things over the last few years, she couldn't help but think that perhaps she'd gotten the better end of the bargain. Try as she might, Camille couldn't imagine what it would be like knowing Henry could be out there in the world but not knowing how he was or what was going on with her life. Camille had James the privilege and blessing of being part of Henry's life, and as she finally lay down to sleep, she wondered if James would ever forgive her.