She was quiet the whole ride back to the resort. Johanna talked about how she was going to use her winnings to help finance the new dam construction in Seven. Katniss was deep in thought. It wasn't until we returned she told me what was running through her brain.
"Those people at the Casino don't need extra money." She said. "The people in Eleven do. There's no one to speak for them. Except us. We need to lobby for the Victorless districts. We have the connections with Effie, and Gale. Beetee, shit even Plutarch. Do a wedding tour, an interview with Caesar and talk about what's going on. Maybe all the Victors can lobby."
I stopped astonished. In love. Her kindness, the thought process of wanting to give a voice to the voiceless. The love for her fellow man.
"I'm so proud of you." I took her into my arms and kissed her head. "It's going to be hard. But leave it to Effie. She'll get the ball rolling."
She squeezed me back. The others were outside lighting a fire and I grabbed the remaining s'mores ingredients. Helmut passed liquor around which he made himself. Even Haymitch considered it strong. I laid back, and smoked watching Katniss talking with Effie and Johanna in the corner. Effie's eyes brighter than after she was married. She was answering her true calling. Helmut and Haymitch joked about their shared love of booze. Then Haymitch said it.
"We're smarter than everyone else. That's how we stayed alive. But shit are we shitty!" He burst out laughing. He was more drunk than I've ever seen. "Shit. We're all cunning that's how we made it." He paused to hiccup, then wretch before composing himself again. "You two" He points at Katniss and me "With your suicidial threat. I saved your ass by the way. I got Seneca to change the rule. I figured out that goddamn force field, and these two psychos, lay in wait and then chopped some motherfuckers up. So who gets to say they're the most damaged from winning? Me, nah? That bitch killed herself she doesn't lay in my concious. Those two over there just finished shit. You two" He points between Helmut and Johanna "You two fucking killed people. You laid in wait and killed motherfuckers. Dumbass Careers never saw it coming." He starts laughing hysterically. "Cold blooded killers. I see Maysliee in my dreams because I couldn't save her. You must see dying faces, but you killed them. Shit, I get you Helmut, I'd confine myself too, probably blow my brains out." He laughs more. Johanna's face turns pale.
"I had to kill them. It was me or them. I didn't want to. Those Career fucks are the psychos! Enobaria gets to live and she probably sleeps like a baby! Fuck you Haymitch! We're all here afraid to sleep, you're fucking perma drunk so you don't have to deal with it, those two fuck themselves to sleep, Helmut lives in the woods, and I have my ways. That bitch gets to live in her golden house with golden fucking teeth. We're shitty! We're shitty for letting her live when people like Blight, and Finnick died." She turns to me. "The best thing you ever did was kill Brutus."
Brutus. Brutus.
I snapped. I killed him when he killed Chaff. Chaff with one hand couldn't defend himself.
Brutus. I snapped his neck. They hijacked me before the Quell had even begun. Those hands I used to caress Katniss. Killed.
"We're all goddamn mutts." Katniss reaches out to me and I brush her off. "Fuck off. Gale was wrong, there's no question if I killed somebody. I already did." I get up and turn to the cabin.
"Goddamn mutt. I'm a mutt!" I'm screaming. I see myself in the mirror, young, handsome, guilty. Blue eyes ravaged by it. "I was a good boy once!" I punch the mirror shattering it. I feel all my muscles clamp and I fall to the floor. I whisper to myself hoping that I'll believe myself. "I'm still a good boy. I'm still good. I'm sorry Brutus! I'm sorry Mitchell, I'm sorry." I vomit, I don't bother to move, I just lay in it. Slowly I drift to sleep, when I wake the sun is up but there is silence. Haymitch sits at the kitchen table staring at my pathetic state.
"I'm sorry. I got fucked up and said some shit. You're the only one who's good. No matter what you did in your soul your good and that's what tortures you." He buries his head in his hands and weeps. I lay back down staring at the ceiling.
"Katniss."
No answer.
"Katniss!" I scream
No answer. I sit up and look around me blood, vomit, drunken vagabond, no Katniss. I knock Haymitch off his chair.
"Where is she?"
"You can guess what happened."
"Where is she?!"
"With Johanna. We found her in a closet. She didn't hurt herself this time. She's catatonic."
I run across the courtyard separating the cottages. I burst through the door.
"Katniss!"
"She's in here. Johanna says flatly."
She's sitting curled up hugging her knees in a closet. Staring. I position myself in her gaze and kneel down.
"Katniss. I'm here. It's me. We've gotta go home. We've gotta start working on the bakery. We're getting married. We've gotta plan it. So much to look forward too."
I believe myself. She doesn't respond. She just stares. Then I do the only thing I can think of.
"Are you, are you
Coming to the tree
Where they strung up a man they say murdered three.
Strange things did happen here
No stranger would it be
If we met up at midnight in the hanging tree. "
She looks up.
"Are you, are you
Coming to the tree
Where the dead man called out for his love to flee.
Strange things did happen here
No stranger would it be
If we met up at midnight in the hanging tree."
The fog lifts from her eyes.
"Are you, are you
Coming to the tree
Where I told you to run so we'd both be free.
Strange things did happen here
No stranger would it be
If we met up at midnight in the hanging tree."
She wraps her arms around me.
"Are you, are you
Coming to the tree
Wear a necklace of rope, side by side with me.
Strange things did happen here
No stranger would it be
If we met up at midnight in the hanging tree."
Then she tells me.
"So much to look forward to."
And she believes it.