I'm not sure I should indulge Peeta in his romanticism. He's created a fairytale. Perhaps it is in a way. He longs for happiness so badly he's forcing it. At the sametime I do want to marry him. I to be Mrs. Mellark, to shed the skin of the Games, of the war, the wings of the mockingjay but it's not that easy. When we get married Peeta and I will still be broken. There will still be flashbacks and nightmares. He did it during the Victory Tour. Those nights on the train where he painted our romance before I was even convinced I loved him. He would hold me while we made love, spilling it all, the pain he felt in his heart that my feelings about him, his fervent love, that he took the nightmares from me, that we were one. He made the act grandiose, something more than the comfort it was that when he saw me holding Gale's hand on the kitchen table the nightmares would return. His fallacy that his love was shared protected him from the Games. The version of reality he holds where if we're together as one the pain of the Games will leave us. The haunting will not stop. We agreed that we were going to do it in Seven when we go for the Lumber Games. It will be a secret.

We leave on Friday. Haymitch has left with Effie to the Capitol to resume his treatment. Johanna left for Seven. It's just me and him in the Victors Village. This furthers the image that we live in a different world. When no one is here Peeta will make love to me in the meadow. Meeting me when I return to eat with him. Laying out a blanket with food. Laying me out to remove my clothing and rub my sore muscles with oil. Starting with my back and buttocks, my legs, rolling me over looking me in the eyes he would cup my breasts reverently stroking each nipple before moving his hand to my opening massaging me. He trembles as he does this, his breathing quickens. He reminds me of the prey knowing their being hunted, but not from where death will come. He wants me and he wants to beg. Who is the prey and who is the hunter? When our agony is enough I give him what he needs. He hovers above me looking me into my eyes throbbing, thrusting.
"God I love you. Oh, God I love the way you feel… You're mine… You're going to be my wife."

The pure ecstasy he feels knowing I am really his blocks out the reality of the past. After we make love we lay out on the blanket and sleep. He always wakes before me and nuzzles me awake. We return home refreshed.

"What are you going to wear?"

"I haven't thought about it I thought this was a secret. So nothing too flashy."

"I want you to look special. I want an image of you ingrained into my mind."

I take this as a swipe at my daily couture.

"Hey sorry I'm not Effie."

"No, No. I mean something especially sexy."

"Okay." I reply "I'll surprise you."

We spend the week in this same cycle. Morning we work, me make love at lunch, and fuck in the evening. We take advantage of the solitude. On Friday Peeta seems especially happy.

"You remember what happened on that train?"

I laugh sheepishly. I really felt bad about it then. Like I was doing something heartless. Using Peeta.

"Yeah, I fucked some guy on that thing once."

He grabs the back of my neck and kisses me. We're alone on the train, and Peeta wants to go to our sleeping compartment immediately.

Other things happened on that train. We rolled to our believed imminent demises. We feared for our families as the nation crumbled. We watched horrific video of the Games. Peeta only clings to this part where we found relief as though we never went to the Games. I indulge him in it. Anyway to dull the pain. It takes eight hours to get to Seven. Johanna meets us at the station. Seven in full of pine forests which shelters the ground from the sun. Squirrels and other woodland creatures are in abundance. There always seems to be a light fog. People live in log cabins within the forest until we reach a town. Where the buildings are red brick. She runs to us like she hasn't seen us in years.

"I'm so excited you're here! We'll stay at my house okay?!"

We nod in agreement. She drives us past the town to small plot of land at the edge of the forest. The houses were out log. Great lodges that looked warm and cozy. The inside of her home was wood as well, and moose antlers lined the walls.

"How was your trip?"

"Good." I reply.

She offers apple cider which we accept.

"So what do you think?"

"It's amazing. Everything feels cozy. The fireplace is huge." Peeta tells her.

We here a jingling and a giant dog runs out of the hall way and takes down Johanna. We move to assist her but she's laughing loudly. Laughing more cheerfully that I've ever heard. She moves the big slobbering creature and stands up.

"This is Spike. He was Blight's dog. He's really good company."

"He seems to make you happy." I tell her.

"He does."

"You can bring him to Twelve with you." Peeta tells her and she smiles.

"I'd love to see him with Buttercup" I say out loud.

I extend my hand to him and he lumbers to me and I jostle his ears. Everything about Johanna's home was warm. This must be where she feels safe. We must be meeting the real Johanna. A friendly bubbly girl.

"Wanna brew?" She asked pointing her finger between us. We decline. "Alright I'm gonna grab a beer."

"Tomorrow is opening ceremony. It's pretty much a giant cookout. We remember fallen tributes. Everyone drinks a lot is very fun."

"Do you think it would be a good idea for Haymitch to go?"

"Effie should keep in him check right?"

We nod though doubtfully. Johanna escorts us to our room, and gives us directions to the facilities.

"Don't be too loud you too!" She says

Instead of us being too loud it was her. Apparently Johanna doesn't like to sleep alone either. She must have a secret lover. She called out into the night, over and over. There was banging as though a war were going on. Peeta chuckles. I'm disturbed. To my surprise, when I get up in the middle of the night to pee I meet a familiar face. Someone who survived. It was Beetee. Johanna's lover. Was Beetee. We stared at each other shocked for a few moments. Beetee had arrived after us. He looked embarrassed.

"Please don't say anything." He looked panicked as though it were a giant scandal to me.

"I understand." I assure him which is true. They're seeking out what Peeta and I did on the train, what we did in that basement when we were the only two awake, and still do. Comfort. Peeta wants to get married in four days. Does he know for sure he loves me past that comfort? Should we wait? I look down and walk back into the bedroom. Peeta rolls over and wraps an arm around me.

"What took you so long baby?"

"You sure you want to know"

"What was it?"

"Beetee"

He sat up and looked down at me.

"Fucking Johanna?"
"Fucking Johanna." I reply

"Wow."

I laugh. Peeta's openness with me amazes me. It's something I would have with another human beings. We know things only the other knows. I love that I share everything with him. He with me. His devotion. The fact I give him reprieve from the bad memories. I just don't want it to go away. I want Peeta to know whether he loves that part of me that came out of the Games? The part who partook in his suffering not just the one who takes it away.