Episode 12: The Wizard
Disclaimer: I own nothing involved in this chapter as all materials and people are owned by there respective creators.
"Hello I'm the Classic critic; I remember it so you're not required to." Airnaruto said moving on to his review subject, "Now let's face it playing old school NES games rocked!" Airnaruto said as we see the word rocked appear on the screen.
ROCKED!
"However as I mentioned in my Mortal Kombat movie review, movies based on NES video games or video games in general sucked." Airnaruto said bluntly as the word sucked appeared on the screen.
SUCKED!
"Therefore in theory, movies based on playing NES games sucked rocks." Airnaruto said before getting to the point, "The point is the film I'm reviewing today has been ridiculed by many film critics and even the Nostalgia Critic as nothing more than an hour and a half long Nintendo commercial disguised as a family film released back in 1989, now I'll admit this film didn't do that well in the box office grossing a little less than 15 million in total revenue but over the years this film has gained a strong cult following, so much so that they still hold cast reunions in Texas, it's the film about a little boy who seems to have a talent at playing Nintendo games that literally teaches that video games bring families together." Airnaruto said before adding, "If only that were still true today." He said in a bored tone. "Needless to say that this film was hyped up big time, with stars like Bo Bridges, Fred Savage, Christian Slater, a huge library of Nintendo games, a Nintendo tournament and even a sneak peak at a new game that hadn't been released yet in North America, growing up in the late 80s and early 90s every kid wanted to see this or more or less they had to see this but why is the film such a let down to many people?" Airnaruto asked, "Well let's take a peek at it." He said as the opening of the film is shown where we see a young boy walking down an open road while a police car drives up to him.
"You've got to be kidding me, how is this even remotely exciting?" Airnaruto asked and screamed.
"Anyway it turns out the kid is a young boy named Jimmy Woods, who just wants to go to California." Airnaruto said as Jimmy cut him off.
Jimmy: California.
"California." Airnaruto said mockingly.
Jimmy: California
"The cop returns him to his mother and jackass of a stepfather where he continues to stare out into space, it turns out that he's been traumatized by the death of his twin sister Jennifer and is seeking an outlet for his pent up emotions." Airnaruto said before the teacher from the film and Ezio from Assassins Creed 2 cut him off.
Jimmy's teacher: I'd like to think he's searching for a way to express himself
Ezio: I have plenty of Outlets.
Mrs. De Auditore: I meant besides vaginas.
"That wasn't necessary you know that guys." Airnaruto said to JC and Charles.
(A Big-Lipped Alligator moment)
"That was my fault Sorry." JC said.
"We also get to see Jimmy's father played by Bo Bridges and his older brothers Nick played by Christian Slater, and Corey played by Fred Savage, and up until now I never noticed that Fred Savage is kind of weird in the sense that sounds less like a 12 year old and more like an adult." Airnaruto said confused.
Corey: Will you listen to me? Do you want to see Jimmy get put in a home? Do you want that to happen?
"So Corey sits in his room throwing darts at a road map since the Internet wasn't around back then, and decides he wants to go on a little road trip, to where?" Airnaruto asked before allowing Corey to answer.
Corey: California
"No it's like this." Airnaruto said before cutting to Jimmy.
Jimmy: California
"So Corey decides to run away from home and live in California but he makes a quick stop in Utah first to bust his brother out of the mental home he's in." Airnaruto said.
"How does he get him out you ask, simple by just walking through the front door and steals him away into a wonder bread truck." Airnaruto said before letting off some steam, "WHERE THE HELL'S SECURITY?" he screamed.
"Once news of their runaway reaches the families, the stepfather hires a child retriever named Mr. Putnam, but Corey's dad and brother are determined to find them before he does in order to keep Jimmy from being placed back in the home and from keeping Putnam from a pay day." Airnaruto said before he started to get dramatic.
"Well they better move fast to the Batmobile!" He exclaimed
(1960s Batman theme plays)
Several scenes of the father and brother travelling in the truck trying to find Corey and Jimmy are shown. "Meanwhile, Corey and Jimmy stop at a bus station where Corey learns that Jimmy has a talent for getting high scores on Double Dragon." Airnaruto said as Corey looked at the score Jimmy got.
Corey to Jimmy: You got 50000 on Double Dragon?
"There they meet Haley, who's also running away." Airnaruto said as we see Corey and Haley having a conversation regarding Jimmy.
Haley: What's his problem?
Corey: He's just shy
Haley: Shy a few bricks I'd say
Corey: He just kicked ass on Double Dragon
Haley: Get out of here him?
Corey: He could wax your tail
Haley: No way
Corey: Wanna bet?
Haley: How much?
Corey: How about a bus ticket?
"Who raised these kids Donald Trump? They all act and talk like 1980s businessmen." Airnaruto asked and commented.
Donald Trump: You're fired!
"Haley is shocked to find out that Jimmy does beat her at Double Dragon, a boy beating a girl at a video game, that's a little too anticlimactic." Airnaruto said bluntly.
Haley: You're attitude sucks.
"Meanwhile Corey's dad and brother continue their search while also stealing the tree from Harold and Maude which I don't get why that tree is even in this movie." Airnaruto said before continuing. "As they stop at a hotel, Nick hooks up Corey's Nintendo system and it brings this father and son closer together but a little too close for my comfort." Airnaruto said as we see the scenes of father and son bonding.
Dad: It doesn't take much skill to play that game.
"Meanwhile Haley tells Corey and Jimmy about a Nintendo competition where they could win 50000 dollars and you wouldn't believe where's it's been held at." Airnaruto said.
Jimmy: California?
"Right you are you little oddball." Airnaruto said to Jimmy, "Now one thing I couldn't get in the film was how could put an NES into a diner tabletop I mean sure I might remember seeing a Pac man game being set up like that but NES games just seems weird don't they know how much strain that would put on a players neck?" Airnaruto asked. "Anyway the trio goes from pit stop to pit stop conning people out of their money by making bets on video games which are played mostly by the 1980s demographic of middle aged businessmen." Airnaruto said as we see Corey trying to con said old man.
Corey pointing to Jimmy: Now my brother over there he can beat you.
Businessman: go on!
"A kid beating an adult at a video game stop the presses." Airnaruto said dully, "Anyway while gaining more money, one kid recommends them to the ultimate Nintendo master." Airnaruto said as we see this conversation play out.
Kid: He's good but he'd never beat Lucas.
Corey: Lucas?
"Who's Lucas?" Airnaruto said as some cool music begins to play.
Corey: Where could we find this Lucas?
Later
Lucas: Are you the wizard?
Corey: No, he is (Pointing to Jimmy)
Lucas: What is he someone's poster boy?
"That had to hurt." Airnaruto said.
Lucas: Pick any game you want I have 97 of them.
Haley: You know all 97 of them?
"No fucking way that he could own all 97 Nintendo games. Granted that today there are actually over 800 games in the NES library." Airnaruto said shocked then factually, "Not only is Lucas a Nintendo master, but he's also the keeper of a greater magic." Airnaruto said as a briefcase gets placed on a table outside the steakhouse (A/N: This is only my guess as to where the kids are at this point in the film because there's a Bud light sign on the window). The briefcase opened to reveal the Nintendo Power glove.
Haley to Corey: What is that?
Corey: I don't know
Lucas: The power glove.
"You have got to be kidding me the power glove that was one of the lamest NES accessories ever I mean we all know how the Angry Video Game Nerd felt about that thing." Airnaruto said as we get a cutaway gag.
Cut away gag
A/N: The Angry Video Game Nerd is a persona used by web personality James Rolfe therefore all rights to the Nerd character are owned by James not me to find out more go to .com or .com
"This glove's a piece of shit! Why the hell would anyone bother using this thing to play a game it's just a bunch donkey shit I'd rather have a buffalo take a diarrhea dump in my ear than use this powerless glove fuck the power glove." He raved while flipping the middle finger with the glove on.
End gag
Lucas after showing it off by playing Rad Racer: I love the power glove it's so bad.
Corey to Lucas: Well just keep your power glove off her pal huh.
THUD!
Airnaruto with his head on the desk couldn't believe that little exchange of dialogue. "Oh I'm sorry, I forgot to make room for your spontaneous romance which started about 10 seconds ago!" Airnaruto exclaimed. "Anyway the tension gets to Jimmy and he leaves the room Lucas then tells Haley he'll be at the competition as well." Airnaruto said before moving on to the next scene.
"Meanwhile we make a quick checkup on Corey's family and the child catcher." Airnaruto said as we see a photo of the Child Catcher from Chitty-Chitty-Bang-bang. "Not that child catcher he's too creepy." Airnaruto said.
Corey's Dad: YOU MAKE MONEY OFF LITTLE KIDS YOU MISERABLE JERK! YOU OUGHT TO BE SHOT!
"Well that's one way to put it, then they take part in some pointless car crashing scenes ala Dukes of Hazard." Airnaruto said as we see the cars crash into each other. "Nintendo it makes you want to crash into people." Airnaruto said in an advertising mode.
Ad voice: Nintendo now you're playing with vehicular manslaughter.
"Meanwhile after spend the night at an abandoned drive-in movie theatre, Haley, Corey, and Jimmy get mugged and picked on by a trio of guys that they had conned earlier who reclaim their money and open up Jimmy's lunchbox to find, drawings and photographs of his twin sister, Corey explains to Haley why Jimmy holds the mementos of his sister so close to him but after Corey decides to take Jimmy home, Jimmy says the only lines in the film that he has that don't involve California." Airnaruto said.
Jimmy: I don't want to quit. I want to play!
"Later they make their way to Reno where they find of friend of Haley's dad named Spanky and as it would turn out Haley's a prodigy when it comes to dice games like craps." Airnaruto said with some interest. "After that they have Jimmy play and study as many NES games as possible while getting help from the Nintendo Power hotline." Airnaruto said as we see a montage of Jimmy playing various Nintendo games and Haley calling up the Nintendo Power hotline. "God bless you Nintendo for helping kids cheat the right way!" Airnaruto said with a salute.
"Well anyway Putnam finally manages to find the kids at the local swimming pool…WHAT THE HELL?" Airnaruto screamed at the sight of a background character. "WHO THE FUCK GREEN LIGHTED THE OLD MAN IN THE SPEEDO?" He asked, "Not that this film could get any worse." Airnaruto said until Haley screamed.
Haley pointing at Putnam: HE TOUCHED MY BREAST!
THUD!
Putnam on the phone: I touched her breast, she doesn't have any breasts.
THUD!
"Nintendo, it makes you want to touch kids in inappropriate spots." Airnaruto said bluntly.
Ad voice: Now your playing with pedophilia…and that's just wrong.
"Corey's dad and brother aren't that far behind though as they find the thugs who attacked the kids earlier wearing Jimmy's hat." Airnaruto said.
Dad: Where did you get that hat?
Punk: A couple of kids.
Lucas: Hey I'll tell you where they were going.
Dad: Where?
Lucas holds up the magazine with the tournament ad
"So our trio of tykes make it to the tournament where they meet that's being held at Universal studios Hollywood and meet some strange adults.
Entrant census guy: We're playing Ninja Gaiden hai!
Tournament DJ: Come up here my little pretties
"I think I figured out what was so screwed up with this film, the 12 year olds act like they're 30 and the 30 year olds act like they're 12 what's up with that?" Airnaruto asked, "There they run into Lucas again and although he badmouths Jimmy, we find that Jimmy does pretty good and makes it to the final three where they'll get to play a new game.
Haley: A new game? You never said there would be a new game!
"No one said the film would suck either so deal with it." Airnaruto said bluntly. "We find out that Putnam has made it to the tournament as well and he almost misses them until Lucas rats them out so he doesn't have to face Jimmy in the finals and what ensues is a chase through the entire back lot of the park until they end up above where the tournament is and take an old elevator down and drop Jimmy off at the final round where the granddaddy of all new games is finally revealed." Airnaruto said as the gates parted and a dramatic chorus was heard.
(Chorus singing)
Airnaruto looked on with baited breath until finally the screen with the game title was revealed. "HOLY FUCKING SHIT! SUPER MARIO BROS. 3!" Airnaruto screamed in shock. "I'M NOT WORTHY!" He screamed in admiration, "Don't look at it! It's so sacred you'll burn your eyes!" He screamed turning his face from it as we see a montage of people's heads melting off.
"So the game is literally on as Jimmy and Lucas go thumb to thumb in fight for Nintendo godhood." Airnaruto said as we hear everyone cheering on the players.
Corey: Come on Jimmy score!
"Go JIMMY GO!" Airnaruto screamed, only to watch Jimmy lose one life.
Corey: It's alright Jimmy you're gonna have to start over.
Jimmy then loses another life as Airnaruto was getting nervous, "Remember your training damn it!" Airnaruto said as Jimmy started to make up for lost time, "Come on Jimmy go!" Airnaruto said sweating bullets as Jimmy cleared another level, "OH MY GOD!" Airnaruto said after Jimmy had found a magic flute that transported him to the warp zone and brought him to world 4 as a scene from Rocky 2 is played.
Mickey Goldmill: NOW! NOW!
(Buzzer sounds)
DJ: The winner is Jimmy Woods from Utah!
(Rocky victory theme plays)
"YES!" Airnaruto screamed before wrapping up the film, "So after winning the tournament everyone finally starts heading home but Jimmy spots Denny the dinosaur one two Dinosaurs seen in Pee Wee's big adventure and has to go inside so why did Jimmy want to go to California this whole time?" Airnaruto asked.
Corey: It's all of us; I guess he just wanted to leave her in a place where she was happy.
"That's just sweet, anticlimactic and unoriginal but sweet nevertheless." Airnaruto said before giving his final thoughts of the film.
"All in all, it's better to play video games than it is to watch people play video games, and for the most part while the careers of Slater, the director, and Savage kind of skyrocketed in the early 90s I think the director got bigger part of the wishbone since he went on to direct most of the Malcolm in the middle series. My final thoughts while it's a touching little family film many people over look that this film was revolutionary when it came to product placement and gave us a few tips for Super Mario Brothers 3 but other than that the film is kind of slow, the characters are under developed and most of the time the kids are more mature than the adults, my final rating for this film. I give it 2 stars out of 5." Airnaruto said. "Well there you have it folks, I'm the Classic Critic; I remember it so you're not required to." Airnaruto said before something occurred to him, "I just want to know whatever did happen to Jimmy anyway?" Airnaruto asked himself holding a printer copy photo of Jimmy when he noticed something. Airnaruto then took out a black marker and drew glasses and a pocket with a pen on Jimmy's face and made the hair a little curlier. "OH MY GOD!" He screamed as a transparent image of the Angry Video Game Nerd appeared in Jimmy's face. Airnaruto looked up to the sky with his fist raised in anger and screamed, "NERD!" He shouted as his echo stretched out into space.
Kirk from Wrath of Khan: KHAN!
The Wizard synopsis
Pros: Revolutionary use of product placement, decent use of Nintendo games, and several tips for the greatest NES game of all time
Cons: Characters are severely dull, the kids act more like adults and the adults act more like kids, Bo Bridges' career was destroyed, is nothing more than an hour and a half long commercial
Final rating: ** out 5
A/N: Okay if anyone wants to criticize me for reviewing this film go right ahead but anyway this is one movie review I wanted to get off my chest so read and review until next time.