Episode 15: Batman & Robin
Disclaimer: I own none of the rights to the characters or rights to the movie as they are owned by Warner Brothers.
The Classic Critic Airnaruto45 sat at his desk with a disgruntled look on his face as if he really didn't want to do this review. "Hello I'm the Classic Critic; I remember it so you're not required too." He said unenthusiastically.
"Well you guys this is the big one, I'm actually going to review an extremely horrible movie and it's one a lot of people have mocked and insulted." He said before moving on to what he was talking about. "Okay when it comes to the Batman movies of the late 80s and mid 90s, I liked the first two films directed by Tim Burton. My opinion of the last two films directed by Joel Schumacher however is really split." Airnaruto said; "When Schumacher directed Batman Forever in 1995, he had to make sure it was safe and marketable for children which of course he succeeded in doing, so not that I cared about that fact at all, so logically Schumacher was called back to do a fourth one. However the least I can say is that when he was he wanted to do a movie based on one of his favorite graphic novels, Batman year one." Airnaruto said before thinking over something; "But if that was case, that would have made it a prequel since it would have been based on a novel that literally had year one in the title?" He asked before getting back to the film. "However the studio approached him with a script for a film they thought would appeal to more family friendly audiences." He said before lashing out.
"THEY WERE FUCKING WRONG!" He screamed hysterically.
"So Joel had no choice in the June of 97 and was forced to direct what he called 2 hours of nothing but toy product placement. If you haven't figured it out yet, the film I'm reviewing is the worst comic book adaptation movie ever made; much worse than Captain America, more horrible than the Australian adaptation of the Punisher or The return of the Incredible Hulk and killed the Batman franchise for 8 years until Christopher Nolan revived it in 2005 with Batman Begins. I'm talking about Batman & Robin." Airnaruto cleared up before adding one other reminder; "I repeat this was made by the studios consensus so blame the studio not Joel Schumacher." He said.
(The title screen flashes by much to Airnaruto's dismay)
"I just know that this film is going to give me a fucking headache, I mean look what it did to the Nostalgia Critic." He explained showing the video of the Nostalgia Critic being driven crazy.
(Cut-away gag of the Nostalgia Critic)
NC: GOD DAMN THIS MOVIE! IT DID IT! IT FINALLY DID IT! BATMAN HAS DRIVEN ME BATSHIT CRAZY! (Burbling), (Laughing ala Woody woodpecker, flapping his hands like a butterfly and other insane motions)
(End Cutaway gag)
"May God help him in that nut house that had to take him in." Airnaruto lamented.
Mr. Freeze: YOU LIE!
"Now to move on to the horrible plot and by horrible, I mean the plot jumps around everywhere like an epileptic reindeer." Airnaruto said before explaining himself; "What I mean is, that basically one plot centers around Mr. Freeze played by Arnold Schwarzenegger how wants to turn the world into a giant snow cone just because his wife is stuck in suspended animation to keep her stable because she has a terminal deterioration disease, all the while constantly spouting out horrible ice puns." Airnaruto said as we see scenes of Freeze saying said puns.
Mr. Freeze: The Ice man cometh!
Mr. Freeze: Cool party
Mr. Freeze: Let's kick some ice!
Mr. Freeze: What killed the dinosaurs? The Ice age!
Mr. Freeze: Stay cool Bird boy.
The camera cut back to Airnaruto who was banging his head on his desk.
"Make…It…Stop!...PLEASE….MAKE….IT….STOP!" He said pounding his head against his desk. "I'm okay folks, good thing I always carry a few Advil pills around." He commented before popping the pills into his mouth and taking a drink of water. "Sorry about that it's just that by making this film more of a comedy movie than a superhero one it really took away all the credibility of Mr. Freeze that was built around him during the run of the animated series but that's a rant I'll get into more detail if and when I review Batman: Subzero." Airnaruto said explaining the reason for his outburst. "Back to the plots, anyway another plot centers around Poison Ivy played by Uma Thurman, who wants to turn the world into a giant carnivorous plant dominated jungle shortly after her boss tries to kill her by spilling a highly addictive steroidal compound known as Venom and takes it's other guinea pig Bane with her to fulfill her goal." Airnaruto said plainly as we see the scene involving Poison Ivy at the sexist auction.
Ivy: I have some wild oats to sew.
The scene quickly cut back to Airnaruto who just leaned in towards the camera with an apparently calm face before screaming; "HELP!"; "To make matters worse, Joel brought in Alicia Silverstone to play Barbara aka Batgirl to attract younger female audiences, but they screwed up her storyline by making her Alfred's niece instead of commissioner Gordon's daughter. Don't believe me then take a look for yourself." Airnaruto said before showing the scene where Barbara arrives at Wayne Manor while sultry sexy music plays in the background.
(Sexy music in the background)
Robin: Please be looking for me.
Barbara: Actually I'm looking for Alfred Pennyworth.
(Record scratches)
"Now I have to go on to the heroes of the film, first off when it comes to the men who donned the cape and cowl of Batman during the run of these films, I'll be blunt Michael Keaton is, was, and will forever be the dark knight detective and he proved that with his performances in Batman and Batman Returns." Airnaruto said as a photo of Michael Keaton was displayed; "When I saw Val Kilmer in Batman Forever, I thought it was more of a hit and miss; a hit in the terms of him getting the Batman part of the role but he didn't seem to fit the Bruce Wayne part of the role all that well." Airnaruto said while showing the Val Kilmer photo on the screen before finally moving on to the worst of them all George Clooney; "However when I saw George Clooney as the Dark Knight in Batman & Robin, I was pissed off." He said; "Why do you ask? I'll tell you, because Clooney's better off in second rate films like Fantastic Mr. Fox!" He hollered at the top of lungs. "Anyway another thing I couldn't stand was Chris O Donnell reprising his role as the boy wonder Robin or as I call him; the boy bitching brat." Airnaruto grumbled as we hear some of Robin's lines.
Robin to Batman: It's Batman & Robin not Robin & Batman.
Robin: I made a mistake I'm sorry okay? It won't happen again.
Robin: Sometimes counting on someone else is the only way you win.
The scene cutback to Airnaruto; "Good grief this guy is just damn awful I mean he's supposed to be a sidekick not a whiny little bitch." Airnaruto said in frustration. "To make matters worse, the film is loaded over the top with way too many gadgets like; Bat gadgets, the Batmobile, giant telescopes, cryogenic suits, bat suits with bat nipples, bat crotches, and bat asses…" Airnaruto said before pointing up to the ceiling.
Mysterious chorus: THE AMBIGOUSLY GAY DUO!
"What?" Airnaruto asked; "You knew full well that joke was coming." He said as if to defend himself; "Oh yeah I forgot one other little "gadget."" Airnaruto said before the scene changed to the auction.
Batman: 1 million dollars
Robin: 2 million
Batman: 3 million
Robin: 4 million
Batman: 7 million (pulls out the Bat credit card) Never leave the cave without it.
The scene goes back to Airnaruto who looked just disgusted with what he saw. "A bat credit card? They gave him a Bat credit card? They had the BALLS to throw in a BAT CREDIT CARD?" He screamed before going into a fit of rage; "NO! NO! DOES NOT COMPUTE! DOES NOT COMPUTE!" He screamed before spinning around and babbling like the Tasmanian devil from Looney Tunes.
(Six hours and one sedative shot later)
Airnaruto looked a little calmer as he smiled at the camera; "Sorry about that just forget that ever happened." Airnaruto said before wrapping the review up. "To conclude, this entire movie deserves to be destroyed and forgotten for all eternity I mean it was a huge Bat bomb in the box office." Airnaruto said before cutting back to Robin.
Robin: Bat bomb?
"Yes a bat bomb. A bomb so big that it screwed Schumacher's credibility for the next seven years before he was able to redeem himself with the 2004 musical masterpiece Phantom of the Opera. This is because Schumacher is great at directing Broadway musical based movies but when it comes to comic book based movies he tries to make things too much like an art museum and it doesn't work." Airnaruto said before giving his rating. "My final rating is of course 1 star out of five stay away from this one at any and all costs but remember blame the studio for this piece of guano not Joel. I'm the Classic Critic; I remember it so you're not required to." Airnaruto said before leaving with the DVD in his hand and taking it outside with a lightsaber in his hand and using the force levitates the DVD in the air before activating his blade and slicing it in half.
Final critique:
Pros: was not Schumacher's original film idea
Cons: everything! Blame the studio not Joel!
Star rating: * out of 5
A/N: Well there you have it folks and if I don't get any praise from the other critic parodying authors I'll pull the plug on this story seeing as how my quality has slipped since chapter 10 in any case read and review folks