"Katniss, I didn't know."
"You designed the fucked up weapon. Now leave."
He slumps over in the doorway and walks away. I turn and look at Peeta, his eyes red with worry. I understand him. The nightmares can seem so real. It can be confusing as to what is a nightmare and what isn't.
"I'm okay Peeta." I tell him.
"I'm so sorry Katniss. I never want to hurt you."
I touch his face gently.
"I understand."
I lay back down on the bed and he lays down with me. We stare at one another for a while. I examine his face, as though chiseled by a master craftsman. His blue eyes glow. He's too good. The Capitol could never corrupt him. They tried so hard and in the end Peeta's inherent goodness prevailed. We should never come here. I think to myself. Things always go awry for all of us. I long to be home in Twelve where Peeta and I can have a home to ourselves. To work on what makes us fulfilled. To help others be fulfilled. That doesn't exist in the Capitol. It is all superficial. Nothing here is real. Eventually I drift off to sleep. I wake to the scent of breakfast. I slip on one of Peeta's shirts and rise. He's sleeping peacefully and I don't wake him. I don't want to disturb his slumber. I reach the dining room where Effie sits at the table with Gale and Beetee. Not my favorite company.
"Where's Haymitch?" I ask
"At my house. He's chosen to sleep."
"You left him alone."
She puts down her fork and looks at me.
"Young lady he's a grown man and he can make his own decisions. He makes the wrong ones he'll have to deal with the consequences on his own. He has a choice. Me or drink."
She says this sternly. Ignoring the presence of Beetee and Gale. She snaps to and laughs.
"Ceremony tonight! Are you all excited!"
"Very much so." Gale replied.
"I'm very happy for you Gale." Beetee tells him. Gale nods.
"Gale you've made a lot out of yourself. The future is bright for you. I'm assuming there are political aspirations. You've chosen a great partner in that arena. Diamond is very charming." Effie says to him.
"Why thank you Effie. I quite agree."
"I'm gonna vomit in my mouth." I say this outloud. Unintentionally of course. I try to pull it back in but the damage has been done.
"Manners!" Effie scolds.
"It's okay. Katniss is expressing her opinion. She wants the best for the people and at the same time she has a hard time stomaching what is necessary to accomplish that." Gale says.
"Cheeky, cheeky." I reply to him
"Who's cheeky?" Johanna says sitting next to Beetee.
"Me." Gale tells her.
"Oh. I'd have to agree. You're not one for niceties anymore." She says.
Gale stands and takes his plate to the kitchen.
"I have to get going lots of things to do today." He says as he departs. When the door closes Johanna laughs.
"He even sounds like one of them now!" She bursts out.
"Like one of whom?" Effie asks
"Like you Effie. All important and shit. Jeezuz taking himself waaaay to seriously." She says. Effie wriggles in her seat.
"That's what happens to ambitious people. They always sell out." Johanna says. "Good thing we're not ambitious. Just mental patients."
"Here, here!" I say raising my glass of orange juice.
"The man is making a difference." Beetee says. "He's really helped establish stability among the districts. There's talk of him being governor of Two. He really does good work."
"And he still has become a dick. Both things are true." Johanna says. "Self important. Where's Peeta?"
"Rough night." I tell her.
I arrange a plate for him and cover it. I return to our room to check on him. There is blood all over the sheets. His right hand ballooned. In the chaos of last night I didn't notice the extent of damage Peeta did to himself. He's obviously broken his hand. I sit on the bed and gently shake him awake. His face contorts in pain.
"Goddamnit my hand." He immediately says.
"I think you've broken it." I tell him. "Let's get some ice and take you to the doctor."
He nods to me. I help him dress himself. I change the nylon around his stump and clean it he doesn't take good enough care of it. Often forgetting to apply ointment to keep his skin from getting raw. I apply his leg and make an icepack for him.
"Peeta and I will be back later." I tell Effie as I usher him out the door. I don't want questions from anyone right now. I hail a taxi which takes us to the hospital. We check in at the urgent care.
"Peeta Mellark! Sir, we'll see you right away!" The attendant chimes.
We're taken back into the triage area, his weight is taken, his vitals are checked and other than an obviously broken hand he's deemed fit. A tall doctor comes in to see him.
"Mrs. Mellark. Mr Mellark. What seems to be the problem."
I interrupt before Peeta can answer. "His leg gave out on him and he fell."
The doctor knows I'm lying. "And he landed on his hand?"
"Yes."
He makes a face and relents. "Okay."
He examines Peeta's hand carefully. He orders x-rays which show that he's fractured three bones of his knuckles. He needs surgical repair. The doctor leaves the room.
"Katniss. I really don't want to do the whole surgery thing."
"Peeta it's what's best. Bakers need to use their hands." I giggle.
"I don't want the anesthesia." He tells me.
I understand what he's saying to me. Sleep equals nightmares. He's hesitant.
"I'll be here the whole time. I'm not leaving." I tell him.
I call the apartment and tell Effie what the situations is. She's hysterical as expected. The nurse gives Peeta morphling for the pain. He seems to relax a great deal, he strokes my hand and kisses it as he lays his head upon it. Johanna and Beetee come.
"What happened?" Johanna asks.
"Punched the wall." I tell her.
"Ooooh. Those nightmares can be a bitch." She says. She's not being sarcastic either. "I'm jealous. They gave him morphling."
I laugh thinking of the girl with the shaved head syphoning off my supply. She sits in a chair next to me.
"He doesn't want the surgery. He doesn't want to sleep." I tell them.
"Understandable. Hey! What if he freaks out and kills someone." She says.
"Not funny." I scold her.
"I know. I'm just trying to make light of the situation."
We sit in silence for a while. The operating nurse comes to take him back to the O.R.. I feel myself begin to shake. I know Peeta is going to be okay. I know this is a simple procedure. I'll just be without him for a while. He'll be forced to sleep and face the nightmares. I'll have face my own without him there. He'll be out of it and I'll be alone. I feel abandoned and selfish all at once. Tears flood my eyes. Johanna pats me on the back.
"He'll be alright." She tells me.
"Will you stay with me?" I ask her and Beetee. They nod and sit with me.
"I guess you'll be missing the dinner?" She asks this time sarcastic.
"Oh, I don't think Effie will allow that." I tell her. She casts her eyes down because she knows what I know. That I'm going to have to go. Without Peeta. Alone. The rage boils up again. I'm angry he broke his hand. I'm angry I'll be alone. I'm angry at my anger.
I meet Peeta in recovery after about ninety minutes. Groggy from the drugs he looks up at me.
"Hi beautiful hungry girl."
"Hi how do you feel?"
"Sleepy."
"Did you have good dreams?"
"Only of you." He tells me.
I smile. Relieved that he wasn't helplessly reliving nightmares. His hand is casted. The doctor walks in.
"He did great. We'll watch him for an hour then we'll let him go home. Make sure he keeps it raised and bring him back tomorrow to get it recasted"
I breathe a sigh of relief. He'll be sleeping with me tonight in our bed. Still I'll be alone at the ceremony. He's released and Effie comes to pick us up.
"Well it appears Peeta won't be attending tonight. I expect you there Katniss."
I nod to her. Haymitch and Beetee help Peeta out of the car and into the apartment where we lay him in bed. I have no time to rest with him as my prep team is ready for me. They once again give me sleek fingerwaves, and put me in a bodice with wide legged pants. I'm ushered away by Effie before I can say goodbye.
"We're late! We're late!"
The hold ride to the venue my palms sweat. I'm not good at these things. Not without Peeta, the likable one. We arrive to a gala in full swing. I'm paraded to the front of the ballroom to the table of honor where I'm seated next to Gale. He looks up at me.
"Where's Peeta?" He asks
"He broke his hand."
"Too bad. You'll have to take his medal for him then" Gale replies matter of fact.
Johanna leans over and nudges me. The dress she's wearing is long and glowing covering the small bump beginning to form.
"Breathe." She tells me.
I smile and exhale. Johanna is here. Johanna is my sister. Individuals come and go by the table, telling us how great we look. How happy they are for all of us. Then a face comes I recognize. I recognize him because I shot an arrow near his head. Claudius Templesmith. My jaw drops when I see him. My stomach churns and I feel I may vomit. My head spins and I am swimming in angst. He shakes Gale's hand congratulating him on his rise through the ranks. I slam my fists on the table.
"Don't shake his hand." I snap at Gale.
"Why is a gamemaker here?" I ask aloud to no one, anyone. He's here though he doesn't deserve to be.
"He was complicit in the rebellion." Plutarch says from behind him.
"He still took part in killing young people. Get. Him. Away. From. Me." I spit out.
Johanna stands.
"She's right. Are you trying to torture us?"
The crowd around us is growing silent. Effie hustles to Claudius.
"Oh Claudius! Come I must show you the ice sculptures over here. They're lovely!"
I crack a smile at the fact that it was Effie who saved the day. Johanna takes her seat. I sit and stare at my plate. Wanting so badly to be back with Peeta. To be caring for him, as he needs me. Waiting. Paylor takes the podium and makes a speech about bravery or something to that extent. I have no interest. I want to go home. I concentrate on my plate. Examine the white porcelain and gold rimming.
"Katniss Everdeen!"
I hear Paylors muffled voice. There's applause.
"The Mockingjay. Katniss Everdeen will also be receiving Peeta Mellark's medal as he is recuperating from a broken hand."
More applause. It's not registering what's going on. Rather I just see Claudius's face and want to smash it. Johanna nudges me.
"Go get your medal."
I stand and turn walk step by step, step by step to the podium. Paylor presents golden medals inscribed with the seal of Panem. She thanks me for what I have done for my country. I turn and walk away. Past the table, past the audience, past the doors, out onto the sidewalk.
I lay in bed next to Peeta. Fully clothed. I don't know where I've been or what I've done. I sit up. He's sleeping peacefully. I look at my clothes and the bed around me. There's a shattered glass, and blood. I cut my arms. I must have I don't remember doing it. I must have though. I wonder what else could have happened. If they know they'll send me to the hospital I think quickly grabbing the shards of glass and discarding them in the trash can. I change from my formal wear into a long sleeved shirt and sweatpants after washing my arms. . I can head the voices of the others in the living room. It must not be that late. I hear Peeta stirring in the bed.
"Katniss?" Peeta calls dreamily.
"Yes babe?"
"Is everything alright?"
"Yes. Fine." I lie to him. I lie to him like I've been lied to by everyone, to protect me. To protect him.