Chapter 28: Guilt

"You need to make a decision. And it's a life or death decision."

"What do you mean?"

"Do you want to live or do you want to die?"

"We're all going to die some day."

Yes, that's true, but there are some people who are walking around already dead. Their bodies are physically alive but their spirit is dead. Do you want to be among the living or among the dead?

The question unnerved Olivia. She was staying with her grandmother, her Nana, in Virginia. They were sitting on the front porch and it was a beautiful spring day, the cherry blossoms in bloom, but Olivia couldn't enjoy it. After her ordeal in Pakistan, she had returned home shell shocked and broken. Once she was back in D.C., in her familiar surroundings, the death of Stephen and the guilt that she felt about what had happened consumed her waking thoughts.

Of course she wanted to be alive, but why did she get to live while Stephen didn't? Stephen died because of her.

"Do you think Stephen would want you to punish yourself forever for his death? Do you think he would want you to be miserable for the rest of your life?"

"I destroy everything I love," Olivia responded.

"Child, don't exaggerate."

"It's true. Everything I touch, everyone I care about, gets ruined somehow…" Olivia's voice trailed off.

"Olivia, you know deep down that's not true. You have so much to live for. You have so much to be thankful for. You survived. You're here. That means you still have a purpose. The universe ain't done with you yet."

"But I'm scared, really scared, Nana," Olivia said, tears welling up in her eyes. "How do I move on. I can't…"

"What happened to you was horrific. But life moves on, whether we act as cowards or heroes. You can run away or shut yourself away and let this pain eat you alive or you can confront it head on, and tell the pain to go shove it. What happens to you next is completely up to you."

Olivia took a deep breath. The past few weeks since she returned from Pakistan had been really rough. Her re-entry into life back home had been hard. She had become very emotionally withdrawn and distant with everyone. She tried to throw herself back into her work, but her heart was no longer in it. Being back in the office only served to remind her of Stephen and the pain of his absence weighed heavily on her.

Meanwhile Olivia was keeping Fitz, who had been a complete prince, at a distance, both literally and figuratively. The interaction between them was strained. She felt numb and undeserving of his love and care. She didn't say much when he called and it didn't seem like she wanted to be around people, including Fitz.

Thanks to Huck, Fitz was able to keep tabs on Olivia. He called Huck for an update on how Olivia was doing.

"Not good," Huck replied, getting up to close the door to his office. "She's really hurting. I've never seen her like this before. This isn't her. She's in a pit right now and the longer she stays there, the harder it will be to climb back out. Trust me, I know."

Fitz swallowed hard. He knew Olivia was in a bad way but to hear that confirmed by Huck frightened him. He wanted Olivia to get help before the guilt and sadness she was feeling permanently crippled her emotionally.

Fitz had seen post traumatic stress disorder up close from his own time in the Navy, so he knew that what Olivia was experiencing wasn't something she could just "get over" and deal with. It was going to take time and maybe therapy. But would Olivia be open to talking to a professional therapist about what she was feeling? When Fitz had gently suggested it, Olivia had scoffed at it. But now, after talking to her Nana, she was thinking that maybe she could use the help. She didn't want to be among the walking dead. She wanted to return to the land of the living.

Fitz, for his part, felt a tremendous amount of guilt himself. Guilt that it was because of her relationship with him that someone had kidnapped her. Guilt that he hadn't been able to protect her. Guilt that he wasn't in a position where he could be completely there for her now that she was back.

After everything that had happened, he was hoping that Olivia would allow him back into her life. But she hadn't, and he was very disappointed. But he was a patient man. He wasn't ever going to give up on her. In the meantime, he realized that there was some "homework" that he needed to do himself to be ready for the day when Olivia made herself emotionally available to him once again.

A/N: How long will it take Olivia to rejoin the land of the living? Will Fitz complete his "homework"? (lol) Some answers in the next chapter.

Here's the quote that inspired me for this chapter and from which I cribbed a line or two. I think it's really fitting advice for Liv:

"Life moves on, whether we act as cowards or heroes. Life has no other discipline to impose, if we would but realize it, than to accept life unquestioningly. Everything we shut our eyes to, everything we run away from, everything we deny, denigrate or despise, serves to defeat us in the end. What seems nasty, painful, evil, can become a source of beauty, joy, and strength, if faced with an open mind. Every moment is a golden one for him who has the vision to recognize it as such." ― Henry Miller