Episode 19: Top 11 Biggest Anime Badasses
A/N: This list contains characters and content that belongs to the respective creators of their respective shows not me this list is my property covered by the fair rights usage act.
Airnaruto aka The Classic Critic sat at his desk yet again but this time he was dressed more like a biker for some reason unknown to his fans. "Hello I'm the Classic Critic; I remember it so you're not required to." He said before looking at his attire, "If you're wondering why I'm dressed like a biker, I'm paying homage to the characters in anime who seem to get little to no respect in some circles the badasses." He explained.
"So today I'm going to reveal who are in my opinion the top 11 biggest anime badasses; why top 11? Because aren't we all a bunch of cheap Nostalgia Critic knock offs?" Airnaruto asked before getting started with it.
"These are the top 11 biggest anime badasses." Airnaruto said before Kid Rock's American Badass began to play and a series of clips showing numerous anime badasses began to appear on the screen.
(American Badass by Kid Rock plays in the background)
Number 11
Dio Brando from Jojo's Bizarre Adventure
"This guy is at the bottom of my list because; well he's primarily a manga character and he only pops in half of a 6 episode OVA based on the third manga series without any explanations for his appearance or motives unless you've read the third series of the manga and know it upside down and inside out." Airnaruto said as we see Dio breaking one guy's wrist by twisting it completely, "Now this started a century ago after Dio became a vampire but before he became a psychic, just go with this folks, when his step brother Jonathan Jostar sacrificed his life to cut Dio's head off and throw it into the depths of the Atlantic Ocean." Airnaruto said before thinking over something…"wait a minute doesn't that only work on ghouls and zombies?" He asked before shrugging his shoulders.
"Anyway over the next hundred years, Dio reattaches his head to his stepbrother's corpse makes an HQ in Egypt and resumes kicking ass and taking names, except now he has psychic powers that allow him to stop time for as long as he wants whenever he wants with just a quick English catchphrase." Airnaruto said before cutting to Dio saying his catchphrase.
Dio: ZA WORLDO (THE WORLD)
Everything turns blackish grey or something in that shade. (A/N: I don't know what color the environment turns into once time stops)
"Just go with it, other than that I can't find any other legit reasons reason to exclude him from this list and besides this guy is the personification of uber pwnage that the noises he makes when punching people have become a catchphrase which I'm sure you've heard from Time warp from Heroes right." Airnaruto said before reminding the fans why he's at the bottom.
"However as cool and as Badass as this guy is, he's at the bottom for two reasons; first off as I mentioned earlier he's more of a manga character, and two he has so many superpowers that he's a freaking Marty Stu." Airnaruto exclaimed before calming down.
"However if it weren't for how he got beat at the end of the OVA I'm sure the world would be in his greedy clutches faster than you can say time's up." Airnaruto said before moving on to his next pick.
Number 10
Eikichi Onizuka from Great Teacher Onizuka
"Now Onizuka is the coolest kind of teacher you could get, sure he won't help you with your homework, but he will bust his own balls to save your ass…trust me he will." Airnaruto said as we see a student fall from the school roof and Onizuka catching her and taking the impact of the fall on the vice principal's car
CRASH!
"Ouch that's gotta hurt." Airnaruto said wincing.
Now if you this guy's student boys you should rejoice because, he's a badass and a heroic badass to boot, he's cool, he's voiced by Steve Blum, and you know you can't go wrong with a character that's voiced by him, and he's the only teacher that I know of that can German Suplex the vice principal and keep his job." Airnaruto said as we see the said action and its aftermath.
Onizuka to the vice principal and several surrounding students and faculty: You inflict verbal abuse that's twice as damaging as anything they could dish out. How do you do that and still call yourself a teacher? It's because of teachers like you that those kids are systematically squeezed out of any safe haven that may have ever known. If this is what you call education, then I don't want to be a teacher.
D-Von: OH MY BROTHER TESTIFY!
"Bottom line he may have originally gotten a teaching job to get with High School girls and he may be an ex-street thug but especially as I say this to male high school and college students if this guys was your teacher you would be one happy son of a bitch." Airnaruto said with a smile on his face.
Number 9
Spike Speigal from Cowboy Beebop
"I'm not even going to into how much of a badass Spike is because it pretty much speaks for itself he's cool, resourceful, and has that devil may care attitude that just kind of rubs off on you, armed with a cigarette in his mouth, a pistol in his hand and motivated by the fact that maybe the woman he loves is still out there and that he has to defeat his former partner and now rival Vicious." Airnaruto said.
"Spike is beyond cool and deserving of his place on the top 11 biggest anime badasses countdown." Airnaruto said moving on to his next choice.
Number 8
Revy from Black Lagoon
"Okay here's what I would call the M rated part of the countdown." Airnaruto said before he asked the question for his audience; "Why well it has to do with the first of three female characters on the list specifically this woman." Airnaruto said before a picture of the woman he was referring to who wore a black women's tank top, ripped blue jean shorts, she had a purple hair, and a pair of pistols in her hands.
"Revy from Black Lagoon and let me tell you this woman is hardcore. Some might not call her a hero or even an anti-hero but in the case of the former in Black Lagoon she's pretty much the closest thing you'll get to one." Airnaruto explained, "She's a modern day pirate who works for the Lagoon Company, she's definitely employee of the month material and her partners caller two hands and I'm not even gonna say why show I'll just let her show you herself." Airnaruto said showing a clip of Revy in action.
Revy: Come on and get me you cocksuckers!
(BANG!)
(Bang!)
Dutch: Revy, I think now would be a good time to show them why they call you two hands.
Revy: Got it!
"She's armed with nothing but her two custom made pistols called the cutlasses and a filthy mouth Revy is a definite badass and I'm surprised that Funimation nor Madhouse never chose to edit some of her dialogue but either way I find Revy a bit creepy because to me she is more or less the end result of having Anko Mitarashi from Naruto and Vash the Stampede from Trigun getting drunk and having a one night stand in the bed." Airnaruto said before he thought about what he just said and then shuddered.
"Either way if you're walking down a shady alley at midnight you better pray to God that you don't cross paths with Revy two hands." Airnaruto said as he shuddered again.
Number 7
Nearly every character that's been dub voiced by Crispin McDougal Freeman. (A/N: yes his middle name is McDougal look it up for yourself)
"This was probably the toughest choice on my list because Crispin Freeman is so natural at playing the badass character in anime that I couldn't choose just one role he has done and you know which characters he's done in the past right?" Airnaruto asked before going down a small list of characters Freeman had done dub work as over the years.
"Freeman is best known these days for playing Itachi from Naruto and Alucard from Hellsing but his other roles that I believe are badass include Alex from Last Exile, Tsume from Wolf's Rain, Captain Harlock from Captain Herlock: Endless Space Odyssey, Zelgodess from the Slayers franchise, heck he can even make a boring role like the lead male role from The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzamiya sound completely badass." Airnaruto said listing them off before getting a little bummed out.
"There are just two roles I don't think he should have gotten, the first being Tabul from NTHT and that one guy from Revolutionary Girl Utena and please don't ask me how know he was in the latter of these two because just talking about let alone thinking about it makes me sick." Airnaruto said bluntly. "Let's just move on to the next one please." Airnaruto said before pulling out a barf bag.
Number 6
Gauron from Full Metal Panic
"Now I'm not a big fan of terrorists but, Gauron is one that really takes the cake, as he operates out of twisted code of ethics and brash impulse of course Gauron is just an alias so I don't know what this nutcase's real name is since he has citizenship and false identities in numerous countries." Airnaruto said as we see Gauron terrorize a commercial airline pilot.
Gauron: Don't use my first name; you'll do as I tell you? Well I'm afraid it isn't gonna work that way John!
"Gauron's badass moniker to me comes from his ability to combine the psychological sophisticated evil, with physical dominating evil and that's a dangerous combination of course his unkillabilty becomes a major running gag which knocked him to the middle rung of the ladder in my point of view but he's so badass that he'll leave the military of countless nations quaking in their boots even when he's the one on life support talk about going out with a bang." Airnaruto said before an explosion went off.
(BOOM!)
Number 5
Sango from Inuyasha
"Out of everyone in Kagome's little group that's trying to find the shards of the sacred Shikon jewel I think that Sango is the most badass because she takes no crap from anyone not even her husband Miroku…sorry for the spoiler to those fans who haven't finished watching the anime or reading the manga." Airnaruto said to the Inuyasha fans.
"Sango is a for lack of a better term an angsty demon huntress wielding a big ass stick." Airnaruto said to the shock of his audience.
"HUH?" The audience asked.
"The boomerang made from cleansed demon bones." Airnaruto explained.
"Oh!" The audience said in relief
"Other than that Sango just looks damn sexy in that tight black jumpsuit but alas she's already dead and even if she wasn't I don't care if she is at least 1000 years older than I am one day she will be mine." Airnaruto said with a hint of lust in his voice before snapping back to reality. "I'm kidding folks I wouldn't encroach on another guy's wife knowing two things number one, Miroku would kick my ass, and two Inuyasha would turn me into his chew toy." Airnaruto said but still that wouldn't stop him from dreaming. "Next!" Airnaruto ordered.
Number 4
Ladd Russo from Baccano
"Yeah I know I'm cheating by putting someone who I placed in a previous list on this one and in the same spot but still Ladd just seems too big of a badass to pass up for this list I mean he's completely out of his stinking mind, not mention that for his debut role Brian Massey did do a good job voicing the guy in fact it was so good that mistook him for John DiMaggio Still I forgot what was Ladd's reason for ransacking the train flying pussyfoot?" Airnaruto asked before saying; "Yes the train is called the flying pussyfoot just go with it." He said before Ladd cut him off to give his reason for ransacking the train.
Ladd: Even though we are gonna scar dozens of lives inside a crowded train, wearing white is gonna make the blood look so pretty.
The camera cut back to Airnaruto who had a weird look on his face.
"That has got to be the stupidest reason I've heard for ransacking a train in my life." He said as he moved on to his next choice.
Number 3
Asuka from Neon Genesis Evangelion
"Why didn't the creators of this show make her the main hero I mean she's a badass, the best fighter out of the three granted she's a little OCD in terms of having to be the best and yet she's constantly overshadowed by that fucking little emo bitch Shinji and it pisses me off." He exclaimed before calming down.
"Now this girl is definitely tomboyish, strict, harsh, and straight up badass until her graphic if not really gruesome death and no I'm not going to show it because it's not for the weak at heart." Airnaruto said before getting to his top two picks.
Number 2
Guts from Berserk
"I have my reason for not putting Guts on my top 11 anime heroes list and it's this he's a bigger and better testosterone fueled badass, I mean he's definitely three dimensional in the sense that he's tragedy stricken having been literally born from a corpse then having to kill his father figure and then when he thinks he's finally found a place to belong in one gruesome horrifying moment as the man he once viewed as a comrade becomes a demon." Airnaruto said relaying the events of Guts's life up to that point. "The fact that his arm and eye were gouged out and cut off are a constant reminder that Guts is flawed like the rest of us but he still spills major buckets of blood and have you seen that sword." Airnaruto said showing a picture of Guts' blade; "THAT THING IS FREAKING HUGE!" He said before calming down. "My point is Guts is a major badass based on every adversity that has been thrown at him and yet he still fights I man it's just GORE! GORE! You see that demon over here not any more GORE!" He exclaimed putting emphasis on gore during a bunch of battles involving Guts and some demons.
"The manga is still going but I hold the anime accountable for just one crime and that crime was flipping us the finger and telling us to go read the manga to find out what happens next, and many people who have watched or read the series would agree with me right?" Airnaruto asked before cutting to X prodigy.
"You damn right!" He exclaimed as the camera cut to Nukid who was asleep but then woke up; "Hell yeah!" Nukid said before going back to sleep.
"Put it bluntly Guts is so badass with that sword he makes Cloud from Final Fantasy seven look like a pussy." Airnaruto said to conclude his Guts rant.
And the number 1 biggest anime badass of all time is….
Vegeta from Dragonball Z
"This guy is in my opinion the original anime badass for many people, why did I pick Vegeta you ask, well despite the fact that he went through what a friend of mine calls badass decay he still had that sense of arrogance and brutality that made him a major badass, too bad his ego kept getting in the way of him gaining true strength but other than that do you know anyone crazy enough to train in a room at 450 times Earth's natural gravitational force?" Airnaruto asked, "I didn't think so I mean how does this guy survive that kind of force? I get the whole Sayian getting stronger after each fight concept but come on training under at maximum 450 times Earth's natural gravity that's just fucking insane the only person who I could see trying that is….Chuck Norris." Airnaruto said before a picture of Chuck Norris' head in front of an American flag with fireworks going off in the background is shown.
High pitched voice: A CHUCK NORRIS!
"Whether you think DBZ is underrated or overrated the prince of all Sayians deserves his spot as the king of anime badasses and if you don't agree with it then Vegeta will kick your ass." Airnaruto said wrapping up the countdown.
"Well there you have it the top 11 biggest anime badasses in my opinion so I'm the Classic Critic; I remember it so you're not required to." He said as he left.
A/N: Well folks there you have it my newest episode of the show read and review.