We return to Twelve. To our lives. I'm unable to bake or paint for six weeks so I've taken to running. Katniss hunts. Luckily for me Millie comes for physical therapy. All is quiet. The streets desolate compared with that of the Capitol. Children's laughter carries filling the air. The night silent. Only our breathing fills the absence of sound. I am unable to bake and paint because of my injury. I begin to run to keep out the rage that engulfs my mind while unoccupied. I run through the meadow through the town where children played where I once did. When I couldn't fathom any of this pain I feel embedded in my heart now. Katniss hunts. We coordinate so I meet her returning from the woods when I return from my run in the meadow. Why I lay her on the green grass and lose myself in her. We lay there naked and dewy until our hunger cannot be ignored and we have to return home. Our home. Quaint and warm despite the tumult inside of ourselves. A safe haven. I feel free at home. Where we laugh, where we make love and sleep. One morning while holding Katniss a thought pops in my head.
"Do you want children?" I ask her I want children to fill our halls with laughter.
"No."
"You'd be an amazing mother."
"No."
She faces away from me. Filling the room with audible silence. A few minutes pass and then she sits up slips on her clothing and leaves for the woods. I've made a terrible mistake. I stay in bed contemplating the issues I've stirred up. Katniss grew up destitute, her loved ones dead. Her trepidation is understandable. However, I want kids. The pain she feels overrides all. The desperation for a normal life doesn't exist in her, rather bitterness toward the haunting of the past which dictates her future. For now we're young, but the question posed regarding bringing life into the world is triggering. She stayed out for hours which felt like it might as well have been days. She ambled up the stairs and stared at me from the doorway.
"Not now. Maybe one day. I can't take care of myself right now."
"Katniss do you ever think about the future?" I ask her.
"Yes."
"You seem like you are stuck."
"Peeta. Is it possible to just get over what we've been through."
"No. But are you thinking about it? Do you want normalcy?"
"What does that mean Peeta?"
"Peace. The dead body off your back, or do you think you'll mourn your whole life just carry it with you?"
"Peeta. My sister is dead how am I supposed to think about moving on?"
I get angry.
"My whole family is dead!"
Her eyes widen. She stares at me.
"I think I'll stay at my house tonight."
Desperation
"No! Katniss I'm sorry. I shouldn't push things. Don't go. Please. Stay."
She looks at me.
"Peeta we can't keep tragedy score. We're both hurt. Can we just be in the moment."
I nod my head. Perhaps I'm stuck as well trying to escape from the pain which intends to strangle me. The phone rings. I answer it. It's Beetee.
"It's Johanna." Beetee says.
"What happened?" I ask him.
"She started bleeding last night. The baby is okay but Johanna is bedridden which she isn't happy about. I have to work so I can't take care of her full time. I guess what I'm attempting to ask is if she can stay with you?"
"Of course, yes. Millie is here to help me with my hand so we have access to a nurse."
"Thank you, so much. She's still in the hospital, it'll be a few days. We're not out of the woods yet. But we found out we're having a boy!"
"That's great Beetee. Keep us informed, our thoughts are with you."
"Okay. Thank you Peeta. Talk to you soon."
He disconnects.
Katniss looks at me quizzically.
"What's going on?"
"Johanna started bleeding. She's bedridden and he wants to know if she can stay with us since he has to work."
"Of course! She's not very good at staying in one spot. This will be hard for her."
I take out a cigarette and light it.
"I know."
"I'll get the guestroom ready for her."
"It'll be a few days." I tell her. "Come here."
She walks to me and I wrap my arms around her little waist. I kiss her stomach.
"I love you. You know that?"
"Yes."
I pull her down so she's straddling me, she takes my cigarette and takes a drag then puts her lips at mine blowing the smoke into my mouth.
"I cry a lot Peeta. More than I hunt when I'm in the woods."
"I figured."
Hatred resides in all of us. Burning, toiling, it can either destroy or rebuild. It's always there. It's always there.
"You make me human again." I tell her.
"You do the same to me." She says kissing me. Scooping my face in her hands breathing me in. I grip her tighter and tighter holding her closer and closer. I feel myself stirring, pleading with myself to take her. I need her to look at me as I really am to feel me as I really am. She removes her shirt and I suck her taut nipples fervently. She writhes as I do so driving me crazy. I rub my hand on her cunt, triggering her to remove the rest of her clothing. I continue my manual manipulation until I can't control my carnal urges anymore. I pick her up and lay her on the ground, remove myself from my pants and make love to her. Not gently but not hard either. We look at each other, see each other for who we really are. Neither one of us scared of what we see but excited. Needing more. I consume her. Until there's nothing left, and she rests her head on the floor panting. I silently lay beside her and cradle her in my arms. We stay this way for a while. Until the sound of a glass shattering disrupts the stillness. Buttercup, angry he has yet to be fed his evening meal. Katniss kicks at him and swears, I lay out a platter of tuna for him which he eagerly laps up.
That night the girl from Eight visits me in my dreams.
"What did it feel like?" She asks "Killing me?"
I stare at her unable to speak, not know what to say what I felt even.
"Did you think you were doing me a favor?"
"Yes."
"Putting me out of my misery?"
"Yes."
A sardonic smile crosses her face.
"What did it feel like when you killed Brutus? Good? Noble?"
-"I don't know."
She leans into me and whispers in my ear "You liked it. You killed him out of rage not duty. You liked it."
Tears begin to flood my eyes because she's right. I killed him to quell my anger over Chaff's murder. I'm not better than Brutus.
The girl from eight once again begins to smile.
"The Girl on Fire better be careful. She better not make you mad."
Brutus appears laying on the ground his neck snapped. Mitchell mutilated beside him.
"I would never do that to her! I wouldn't never hurt her. I'd rather die first."
I turn my eyes to the girl from Eight who is now brandishing a knife.
"Let me save her from you." She says as she pierces my stomach, turning the knife. My whole body shaking, crying.
"I don't want to die, I want to love her."
I wake screaming Katniss stroking my back. Gently shushing me.
"Not real."
I look at her. Grab her face. Kiss her so I can taste her. Taste that she's real. She kisses me back then digs her nails into my back. The kissing becomes increasingly desperate as tears rush down my face.
"You see me for what I really am. You know what I've done." I say to her.
"Yes."
"And you're not afraid?"
"No. You see me for what I am too."
"And I need you."
I roll on top of her, nibbling her neck kissing her lips needing to taste her. To know something is real. Something exists. The dreams that seem to meld into my reality dissipate. Katniss is my reality. I grip her clothes to me. Rolling on top of her I move to her cunt, needing to taste her, I suck, and lick her. Her sweetness a delicacy. I eat her until I feel her tense and moan out my name. I then finish my consumption of her. I hover over her and enter her, thrusting over and over, deeper and deeper, harder and harder. I watch her face contort in pleasure. I fill myself with that sweetness until I come. Once again able to sleep. Once again on Earth. Human.