p class="p1"span class="s1""We shouldn't be doing this, Buck," Steve mumbled as Bucky's hot lips marked his neck. It was one of the less difficult days – not a peaceful one because there is no such thing on the front – when they were supposed to rest before another mission. Steve didn't need to rest as much as the other soldiers and Bucky was acting as if he was a superhero as well. Steve had to admit though, that Barnes never looked sleepy and didn't endanger any task, and that calmed his conscience enough to keep Bucky awake a little longer when everybody was already asleep./span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1""We shouldn't," Bucky pulled away from him and nodded. He was lying half beside Steve, half on top of him and his big eyes were scanning the other man's face. There was a spark in them and an amused smile played with Bucky's lips. He was adorable and attractive and he knew it even without the confirmation from Steve's elevated heartbeat. "Do you want me to stop?"/span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1"Bucky kept drawing pictures only he saw on Steve's bare chest. He wouldn't admit it, but he didn't like Steve's transformation into Captain America as much as everyone else. Of course, he was glad that Steve didn't suffer from dozens of diseases and what he did for the war wasn't that bad either, it was just... he didn't need Bucky anymore. He kept him close because they were friends and he made him his right hand because he trusted him. But he didn't need him and it was tearing Bucky apart. He lost his all-life-long task – to protect Steve – because Steve was now protecting him. Bucky liked being taken care of, knowing that there was someone who'd do anything to keep him safe, but it didn't fill the hollow spot in his chest that used to be his purpose. /span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1""And would you stop?" Steve asked. His ribcage moved out of rhythm as he spoke and pulled Bucky out of his thoughts. Steve took Bucky's hand into his and laced their fingers together. He held his friend's hand like that and he wondered where the line was where a friend became lover. They had been physically even closer back in Brooklyn. Sometimes they were cold and had to snuggle really close not to lose any of their precious body heat, other times Steve was sick and Bucky refused to let go of him even if he could possibly catch the illness. Either way, they had always been closer than they should have been but it had never been this wrong because there had been a reason for it. But now... they were knowingly breaking the law or at least a moral one. Steve was sure they were not the only ones; war was like a prison – men were everywhere and for some the solitude was too much to bear to care that they were consoled by other men instead of women. And yet it was different for Steve and Bucky because they weren't desperate, they didn't want to be physical without a mental connection. Their passion had been between them ever since they could remember and now it could be exploited. /span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1"Steve was afraid of how much he wanted Bucky to continue. He couldn't answer positively to Bucky's question because it would be a lie. He didn't want him to stop kissing his neck, trailing his delicate fingers all over Steve's body and whispering words of affection into his ear as if he never did anything else but loved Steve. Despite what everybody thought about them, Bucky was the courageous one, the one who always tried to find new ways and possibilities, Steve was just strong, fast and had a good heart./span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1""Of course I would," Bucky replied, looking surprised. He placed their interwoven fingers on the left side of his chest. Their hands were squished between them they could feel each other's heartbeat. "My heart is beating for you, Steve, beating and bleeding if necessary. If you want me to ignore our mutual desire, if you wish I would overlook how happy you look when I kiss you, if you merely indicate you want me to let go, I will. I will go to my cold bed over there, far away from you, I'd turn towards the wall to ease your temptation and I will dream of a better place when I can be with you."/span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1"Steve knew Bucky was being melodramatic; he was always joking when he wanted to avoid some topic. It might fool others but Steve knew that if Bucky was talking like that, he was insecure or hurt. And Steve knew he made Bucky feel that way; he didn't see it as pressure, this was what Bucky genuinely felt./span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1""I don't want you to leave," Steve breathed out and kissed Bucky on the forehead clumsily, "ever."/span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1""I know," Bucky closed his eyes happily for a while before he let go of Steve's hand to embrace the other man tightly. They held each other close as they drifted off to sleep./span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1".../span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1"In the morning, Steve and Bucky made their way to the tent where food was distributed. Not for the first time, Steve recalled with remorse how Bucky used to cook for him when he was sick. To be honest, Bucky was a terrible cook but Steve would give anything to feel that kind of affection and care again. They walked and Bucky was just laughing at something Steve said when he heard somebody talking behind them. It was that kind of speech you make when you pretend to be talking to just your companion while you intend to make other people hear you./span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1""I've heard being queer is not forbidden anymore, wanna try it?" a hoarse voice said mockingly and laughed. /span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1""It's official? I thought Captain America was an exception," his companion joined in, "you know, it would affect the world if he didn't have an ass to put his cock in."/span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1"Bucky stopped dead in his track. Steve wanted to ignore the pair but it was too late. Fire flared up in Barnes's eyes, he frowned and turned around. It was obvious on the men's faces that was exactly the reaction they wanted to get. Steve knew what they wanted even if he didn't see why. They knew Bucky would be violent. They knew he would attack them to – what? Cause him problems? Why?/span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1""Would you mind repeating what you've just said?" Bucky asked him. His voice was firm and steady and Steve knew the situation was more serious than he feared. Bucky was never this expressionless. /span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1""Of course not." The first one responded and came closer to Bucky to provoke him further. Steve was hopeless; he couldn't come close to Bucky and drag him away and he wasn't allowed to let Bucky do something they'd be sorry for. But what was he supposed to do? "I was just telling my friend here that now when Captain America can spend nights shagging you, we might try it as well. We should follow his example, right?"/span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1""Well, what if you followed his example and stayed silent?!" Bucky snapped and he almost turned to leave. Before Steve let out a relieved breath, the men would not let them slip away so easily./span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1""It's the other way around, isn't it?" The second one called after Bucky, "That's why he didn't say anything; he's theem girl/em!"/span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1"Bucky was faster than light. He grabbed the man's uniform and brought their faces close. He stared at the other male who was trying hard not to look intimidated. Bucky was a little taller than him and certainly more muscular. /span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1""We didn't do anything wrong. Unlike you who are a filthy little cowardly rogue who steals food from the kitchen." Bucky growled and for a while it seemed he would let go of the man. /span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1""We heard you." The one who was holding back for a while spoke again./span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1""Heard us?" Bucky sneered and let go of the guy he was just holding, "well, that's just hilarious. Who are you going to talk to about it? Hmm? Even if you heard anything, which seems pretty improbable to me since you couldn't hear anything from us, who do you think would be interested in your story?"/span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1""I'm sure there would be some people interested in hearing their fearless hero is a queer, don't you agree?" the man looked as innocent and ignorant as possible and it drove Bucky mad. Steve didn't know what to do, he felt that if he joined the quarrel, he would only make things worse, but he couldn't let Bucky defend him without doing anything./span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1""And who do you think would believe you over him? A nameless-" Bucky's eyes darted on their uniforms, "private or Captain America?"/span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1""They might not get rid of him because they need him, but you? The only one who needs you is him and you can be replaced. Somebody else can shoot Nazis and warm his bed up even if you're undoubtedly a big part of his heart. But is he a part of yours?" The man who initiated the conflict stared defiantly into Steve's eyes. "Do you really like him or is it just a game?"/span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1""Bucky, no!" Steve shouted when he saw his friend move forward to attack. He saw the muscles on Bucky's neck move, and he saw the man flex in preparation for attack. "Don't. That's what he wants, to make you punch him because that would be a proof for him to trial you. Don't do it. Please."/span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1""Yeah, don't punch me. Your damsel in distress is asking you to stop. Wouldn't you stop?" /span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1""Bucky..." Steve thought he lost before Bucky's raised fist loosened and fell towards his hip. He turned around and strode away very quickly. Steve followed him briskly. They could still hear the assailants shouting after them but Steve managed to push them from his mind. Bucky was staring at the ground under his feet and he was breathing audibly to calm himself down. Steve didn't speak in fear he might make his friend change his mind and go after the men./span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1"When they sat down, Bucky looked at Steve pointedly and with a rather harsh expression. Steve was not used to seeing his friend glaring like this, especially not at him. He returned Bucky's gaze patiently and waited for explanation./span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1""You've got to do something about that," Bucky said resolutely, "you can't let them demean you and show disrespect."/span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1""I told you what we did was wrong," Steve mumbled and lowered his eyes as if studying the food on his plate. /span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1""Steve, look at me," Bucky ordered. Steve shivered at the influence Bucky had over him as he raised his head and their eyes met again. "Tell me, honestly, did it feel wrong?"/span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1"Steve had to look away but he knew his cheeks were reddening very quickly. He could not keep his mind off Bucky's hot breath on his skin, deep passionate kisses, thorough caresses and whispered words. And as he recalled all the moments he spent with Bucky, when he thought they were safe to truly be together, he could not sincerely say "yes, it was wrong."/span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1""No," he said and looked everywhere but at Bucky./span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1""Exactly," Barnes nodded, "It's not wrong just because it's forbidden. I don't know why it's forbidden, but if it makes me happy, happier than anything, why shouldn't I do it? No, you've got to do something about the way they look at you, about the things they think they're allowed to do."/span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1""You mean be harsh and cruel?" Steve snapped, "Wouldn't I be exactly like the bullies I fought for so many years? Bigger and stronger emand/em with power? I can't do that."/span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1""But they need discipline, not just because of you. Once they see you as one of them, why would they follow your orders? They need to see you as someone higher, someone unreachable who must be obeyed under all circumstances. You probably won't be able to stop them from talking behind your back, but you must stop incidents like this from happening."/span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1""I can't do this," Steve muttered, "I've been the target for too long."/span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1""You know I'd do anything for you, but I'm sure you understand you're alone in this one." Bucky reached his hand towards Steve's and he let it rest in the middle of the table in a silent gesture of "I'm here for you." They both suffered from the distance between them; Steve was aware of all the eyes aimed at him and it frustrated him greatly. Before, when he was a tiny scrag, no one paid attention to him. He could have grabbed Bucky's hand and kissed it all over and nobody would notice. /span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1""I don't want to be alone," Steve sighed and looked down./span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1"-/span/p
p class="p1"This one took me a while, I admit. I had a clear idea of what to do with this story but I didn't know how to execute the idea. Finally I gave up and let it as it is. Hope you liked it anyway./p
p class="p1"span class="s1""We shouldn't," Bucky pulled away from him and nodded. He was lying half beside Steve, half on top of him and his big eyes were scanning the other man's face. There was a spark in them and an amused smile played with Bucky's lips. He was adorable and attractive and he knew it even without the confirmation from Steve's elevated heartbeat. "Do you want me to stop?"/span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1"Bucky kept drawing pictures only he saw on Steve's bare chest. He wouldn't admit it, but he didn't like Steve's transformation into Captain America as much as everyone else. Of course, he was glad that Steve didn't suffer from dozens of diseases and what he did for the war wasn't that bad either, it was just... he didn't need Bucky anymore. He kept him close because they were friends and he made him his right hand because he trusted him. But he didn't need him and it was tearing Bucky apart. He lost his all-life-long task – to protect Steve – because Steve was now protecting him. Bucky liked being taken care of, knowing that there was someone who'd do anything to keep him safe, but it didn't fill the hollow spot in his chest that used to be his purpose. /span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1""And would you stop?" Steve asked. His ribcage moved out of rhythm as he spoke and pulled Bucky out of his thoughts. Steve took Bucky's hand into his and laced their fingers together. He held his friend's hand like that and he wondered where the line was where a friend became lover. They had been physically even closer back in Brooklyn. Sometimes they were cold and had to snuggle really close not to lose any of their precious body heat, other times Steve was sick and Bucky refused to let go of him even if he could possibly catch the illness. Either way, they had always been closer than they should have been but it had never been this wrong because there had been a reason for it. But now... they were knowingly breaking the law or at least a moral one. Steve was sure they were not the only ones; war was like a prison – men were everywhere and for some the solitude was too much to bear to care that they were consoled by other men instead of women. And yet it was different for Steve and Bucky because they weren't desperate, they didn't want to be physical without a mental connection. Their passion had been between them ever since they could remember and now it could be exploited. /span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1"Steve was afraid of how much he wanted Bucky to continue. He couldn't answer positively to Bucky's question because it would be a lie. He didn't want him to stop kissing his neck, trailing his delicate fingers all over Steve's body and whispering words of affection into his ear as if he never did anything else but loved Steve. Despite what everybody thought about them, Bucky was the courageous one, the one who always tried to find new ways and possibilities, Steve was just strong, fast and had a good heart./span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1""Of course I would," Bucky replied, looking surprised. He placed their interwoven fingers on the left side of his chest. Their hands were squished between them they could feel each other's heartbeat. "My heart is beating for you, Steve, beating and bleeding if necessary. If you want me to ignore our mutual desire, if you wish I would overlook how happy you look when I kiss you, if you merely indicate you want me to let go, I will. I will go to my cold bed over there, far away from you, I'd turn towards the wall to ease your temptation and I will dream of a better place when I can be with you."/span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1"Steve knew Bucky was being melodramatic; he was always joking when he wanted to avoid some topic. It might fool others but Steve knew that if Bucky was talking like that, he was insecure or hurt. And Steve knew he made Bucky feel that way; he didn't see it as pressure, this was what Bucky genuinely felt./span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1""I don't want you to leave," Steve breathed out and kissed Bucky on the forehead clumsily, "ever."/span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1""I know," Bucky closed his eyes happily for a while before he let go of Steve's hand to embrace the other man tightly. They held each other close as they drifted off to sleep./span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1".../span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1"In the morning, Steve and Bucky made their way to the tent where food was distributed. Not for the first time, Steve recalled with remorse how Bucky used to cook for him when he was sick. To be honest, Bucky was a terrible cook but Steve would give anything to feel that kind of affection and care again. They walked and Bucky was just laughing at something Steve said when he heard somebody talking behind them. It was that kind of speech you make when you pretend to be talking to just your companion while you intend to make other people hear you./span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1""I've heard being queer is not forbidden anymore, wanna try it?" a hoarse voice said mockingly and laughed. /span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1""It's official? I thought Captain America was an exception," his companion joined in, "you know, it would affect the world if he didn't have an ass to put his cock in."/span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1"Bucky stopped dead in his track. Steve wanted to ignore the pair but it was too late. Fire flared up in Barnes's eyes, he frowned and turned around. It was obvious on the men's faces that was exactly the reaction they wanted to get. Steve knew what they wanted even if he didn't see why. They knew Bucky would be violent. They knew he would attack them to – what? Cause him problems? Why?/span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1""Would you mind repeating what you've just said?" Bucky asked him. His voice was firm and steady and Steve knew the situation was more serious than he feared. Bucky was never this expressionless. /span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1""Of course not." The first one responded and came closer to Bucky to provoke him further. Steve was hopeless; he couldn't come close to Bucky and drag him away and he wasn't allowed to let Bucky do something they'd be sorry for. But what was he supposed to do? "I was just telling my friend here that now when Captain America can spend nights shagging you, we might try it as well. We should follow his example, right?"/span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1""Well, what if you followed his example and stayed silent?!" Bucky snapped and he almost turned to leave. Before Steve let out a relieved breath, the men would not let them slip away so easily./span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1""It's the other way around, isn't it?" The second one called after Bucky, "That's why he didn't say anything; he's theem girl/em!"/span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1"Bucky was faster than light. He grabbed the man's uniform and brought their faces close. He stared at the other male who was trying hard not to look intimidated. Bucky was a little taller than him and certainly more muscular. /span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1""We didn't do anything wrong. Unlike you who are a filthy little cowardly rogue who steals food from the kitchen." Bucky growled and for a while it seemed he would let go of the man. /span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1""We heard you." The one who was holding back for a while spoke again./span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1""Heard us?" Bucky sneered and let go of the guy he was just holding, "well, that's just hilarious. Who are you going to talk to about it? Hmm? Even if you heard anything, which seems pretty improbable to me since you couldn't hear anything from us, who do you think would be interested in your story?"/span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1""I'm sure there would be some people interested in hearing their fearless hero is a queer, don't you agree?" the man looked as innocent and ignorant as possible and it drove Bucky mad. Steve didn't know what to do, he felt that if he joined the quarrel, he would only make things worse, but he couldn't let Bucky defend him without doing anything./span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1""And who do you think would believe you over him? A nameless-" Bucky's eyes darted on their uniforms, "private or Captain America?"/span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1""They might not get rid of him because they need him, but you? The only one who needs you is him and you can be replaced. Somebody else can shoot Nazis and warm his bed up even if you're undoubtedly a big part of his heart. But is he a part of yours?" The man who initiated the conflict stared defiantly into Steve's eyes. "Do you really like him or is it just a game?"/span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1""Bucky, no!" Steve shouted when he saw his friend move forward to attack. He saw the muscles on Bucky's neck move, and he saw the man flex in preparation for attack. "Don't. That's what he wants, to make you punch him because that would be a proof for him to trial you. Don't do it. Please."/span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1""Yeah, don't punch me. Your damsel in distress is asking you to stop. Wouldn't you stop?" /span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1""Bucky..." Steve thought he lost before Bucky's raised fist loosened and fell towards his hip. He turned around and strode away very quickly. Steve followed him briskly. They could still hear the assailants shouting after them but Steve managed to push them from his mind. Bucky was staring at the ground under his feet and he was breathing audibly to calm himself down. Steve didn't speak in fear he might make his friend change his mind and go after the men./span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1"When they sat down, Bucky looked at Steve pointedly and with a rather harsh expression. Steve was not used to seeing his friend glaring like this, especially not at him. He returned Bucky's gaze patiently and waited for explanation./span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1""You've got to do something about that," Bucky said resolutely, "you can't let them demean you and show disrespect."/span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1""I told you what we did was wrong," Steve mumbled and lowered his eyes as if studying the food on his plate. /span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1""Steve, look at me," Bucky ordered. Steve shivered at the influence Bucky had over him as he raised his head and their eyes met again. "Tell me, honestly, did it feel wrong?"/span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1"Steve had to look away but he knew his cheeks were reddening very quickly. He could not keep his mind off Bucky's hot breath on his skin, deep passionate kisses, thorough caresses and whispered words. And as he recalled all the moments he spent with Bucky, when he thought they were safe to truly be together, he could not sincerely say "yes, it was wrong."/span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1""No," he said and looked everywhere but at Bucky./span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1""Exactly," Barnes nodded, "It's not wrong just because it's forbidden. I don't know why it's forbidden, but if it makes me happy, happier than anything, why shouldn't I do it? No, you've got to do something about the way they look at you, about the things they think they're allowed to do."/span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1""You mean be harsh and cruel?" Steve snapped, "Wouldn't I be exactly like the bullies I fought for so many years? Bigger and stronger emand/em with power? I can't do that."/span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1""But they need discipline, not just because of you. Once they see you as one of them, why would they follow your orders? They need to see you as someone higher, someone unreachable who must be obeyed under all circumstances. You probably won't be able to stop them from talking behind your back, but you must stop incidents like this from happening."/span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1""I can't do this," Steve muttered, "I've been the target for too long."/span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1""You know I'd do anything for you, but I'm sure you understand you're alone in this one." Bucky reached his hand towards Steve's and he let it rest in the middle of the table in a silent gesture of "I'm here for you." They both suffered from the distance between them; Steve was aware of all the eyes aimed at him and it frustrated him greatly. Before, when he was a tiny scrag, no one paid attention to him. He could have grabbed Bucky's hand and kissed it all over and nobody would notice. /span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1""I don't want to be alone," Steve sighed and looked down./span/p
p class="p1"span class="s1"-/span/p
p class="p1"This one took me a while, I admit. I had a clear idea of what to do with this story but I didn't know how to execute the idea. Finally I gave up and let it as it is. Hope you liked it anyway./p