I've been more and more lonely recently. Trying so hard not to remember things I don't want to. Squeezing my eyes shut and thinking of happier times though those are hard to find. The only place I can truly find solace is in Peeta's arms. He works at the bakery every day so I find myself with hours to fill. I feed the geese and play in the garden. I take to the woods but I've found in the quiet the terrible memories sneak in.

So today I decide to go to work with him though my cooking skills aren't what his are I can at least wash dishes and he can distract me from the creeping thoughts in my mind. He's having trouble too. It seems when things are calm is when the nightmares and flashbacks are at their worst. We have each other.

I hate to say this but I also find joy in teasing Delly whose incredibly squeamish and squeals at all mentions of bodily functions or gore.

So today I walk to the bakery wearing my normal ensemble of a v-neck shirt and jeans with my hunting boots which are the most comfortable thing I own. When I reach the kitchen door I see Peeta standing there holding on to the counter trembling in the throes of a flashback Delly is screaming and I can see the pain on his face.

"Get out Delly." I bark at her and she runs out the back door.

I stand behind him quiet. Knowing not to bother him as at times his flashbacks are violent. I stand silent until I see his shoulders relax then I wrap my arms around him. He rests his hands on my arms and turns to embrace me.

"What we've been through." He says.

"I know."

I kiss him before he can continue and I feel him relax more. He takes my face into his hands and greets my lips eagerly.

"I'll call Greasy Sae. Let's go home okay?"

He nods and we wait for Sae to arrive and relieve him. She knows she understands.

So when she arrives we leave our fingers entwined. We walk toward our home and past it out to the meadow where he sits and we sprawl out among the wildflowers. For a while we just lay there not saying a word soaking in the warm sun. I weave a crown of flowers and he blows dandelion seeds.

"Do you remember on the roof of the training center when we had a picnic."

I smile at the memory comforted by the warmth. Trying not to move on to the next day where we were thrown into the arena.

"Yes."

"That was one of the best days of my life."

I lay there and consider this. Tragedy. Mostly tragedy. The only thing that wasn't tragic that gave me hope. That gave me solace is Peeta. The bread, his arms, his breath.

"Me too."

He rolls over and strokes my face brushing back my hair and leans in and kisses me again deeply. Colors flash behind my eyelids and I feel the ground beneath me. I feel the breeze on my skin. I taste the sweetness of his lips and the warmth of his body above me. I want to feel more. Released from the fog of trauma and catapulted into the present I feel alive. I slide my hands under his shirt and run my hands up to his chest. He smiles and returns the gesture. We lay there entwined kissing and feel each others bodies. The sensation welling up inside grows in intensity and I move his hands to my breasts. He sighs and he fondles them smiling at me. In one motion he removes my pants and then his and soon he's inside me. I can feel him all of him. I revel in the feeling of his breath against my skin. The taste of his sweat when I kiss his shoulders. The more I grab him the more I encourage him to continue picking up the pace more and more. Building and building until it all explodes into a super nova of sensation and sweetness. My Peeta. He starts to laugh as we put our clothes back on. It aggravates me.

"Why are you laughing?" I snap

"We're starting to become telepathic. We don't have to say a word we know what the other needs. It's sweet."

I roll my eyes and let out a chuckle.

"How about that wedding?" He says giving me a sly smile.

"What about it?"

"It's about time isn't it?"

I nod.

"You making the cake?" I ask him.

"No. I thought you'd do it." He says facetiously.

"I want to wait until Johanna's well. I want her to be here."

"Of course."

Over the meadow I see Haymitch walking through the gate into his goose enclosure. He must see us as he's waving us over. We get up and trot across the meadow.

"What do you want Haymitch?"

"Look at the gosling."

Shit. I hadn't check on the birds in a couple days.

He holds the little fuzz ball in his hands. Peeta pets it on the head.

"I think I'll name it Katniss."

"Oh, thanks. Make it more savory when you eat it I guess."

He laughs.

"No not this one. It's the first one that's hatched. So keep the cat inside."

"I heard from Johanna."

"How is she?"

"Well. She's being a pain in the ass. She apparently assaulted a doctor. She says she doesn't want help. If she doesn't get her act together they're going chemically restrain her."

"Shit."

"She's pissed you guys left. I think it might be a good idea for us to head up there. She's more complicated than the doctors think. They think they have her pegged you know with the Victor's episodes."

No one can understand unless they were there. That news does it. It releases the flood gates and consumes me again in the shroud of tragedy. Killing people. It's that night that we have the worst nightmares yet.

"What are you doing Katniss?" Snow sits in front of me leaning in smothering me in the blood rose scent filling my lungs and smothering me. "You think you'll get to live?"

He fades away. Prim and Rue stand in front of me holding hands.

"You killed us." They say together. "You killed us!"

I reach out to them. I want to tell them I'm sorry. That I tried. That I failed them and I know it. That they should be alive and not me but I can't the blood rose has sucked the oxygen from my lungs and only gaps comes out as they scream at me crying. Prim screaming at me.

"I was blown up Katniss! Nothing left of me! And you've moved on! Why! It's you who did this. If you would have just eaten those berries I'd be alive."

"And I'd be alive." Finnick stands behind me.

"And I'd be alive." Marvel beside him.

"And me." Glimmer stands beside him.

They all line up. Cato, Foxface, Clove, Thresh, Boggs, Wiress, Cashmere, Gloss. I attempt to cover my ears to squeeze shut my eyes but when I see my hands they're covered in blood. And then I'm knocked to the floor, Peeta's wild eyes staring down at me his hands on my throat squeezing the life from me. Everything is fading to black everything. I'm dying.

"Peeta no!" I scream.

He wakes up screaming as I do this.

"NO! NO! NO! It's not true! It's not true! She saved me! She loves me!"

We both turn to face one another tears streaming down his face. He throws the clock against the wall from the nightstand shattering it.

"God Damnit! Can't we just have peace? Can't we just sleep for one fucking night in peace."

He gets out of bed and storms down the stairs slamming the door shut behind him. I gather myself and run after him. The warm day has given out into a cold night. I can see his white t-shirt in the darkness running. Running towards the woods. Running somewhere he never goes. He's slower on his prosthetic leg and I catch up with him quickly. I grab his shoulder. He shutters and pushes me to the ground.

"NO!"

Then he drops to the ground and starts to weep.

"I just want it to go away! But it won't. What I did to you! What I did! I fucking killed people."

I scramble to him and touch his face shivering.

"Shhh…."

"Peeta."

He continues to sob to the point of hysterics.

"Peeta please."

He presses my hand against his cheek.

"What am I?"

"You're Peeta Mellark. A baker, and artist, you're favorite color is orange, you double knot your boots and you never take sugar in your tea. And you saved my life. You fed me. You gave me hope."

He starts to quiet taking deep breaths then looks up at me with Peeta's eyes again.

"Please Peeta. Stay with me."

He cups my face in his hands and presses his forehead to mine.

"I need you."

"Always." He whispers. "Always."