It's been a few years since the Winter Soldier moved in with Steve into Stark Tower.
While the other Avengers just dropped by when it was convenient, the two didn't really have where else to go. Steve would never leave Bucky's side and nobody was bold enough to let the former assassin out of sight. They got their own floor in the huge building and sometimes they wouldn't be seen for a few days.
It was awkward at first. After having run away and coming back, the Winter Soldier was confused and a huge mess of memories, fears, urges, instincts and overall problems. Steve was overjoyed to have his friend back; he was so enthusiastic he didn't care that it wasn't even Bucky's body as he knew it, to say nothing about his heart and mind. Steve however believed almost blindly that his friend would come back to him one day because really, what else could happen? He thought that the Soldier's arrival at Stark Tower was a good sign and as reluctant as the others were to agree with Steve on getting Bucky back, they had to admit this did mean something.
Tony tolerated the Soldier within his home but would not say anything else on the matter. He provided both Steve and his ward with whatever they asked for and he blazed the trail that "as long as he doesn't destroy anything and anyone, I don't care about him." That wasn't the truth because no matter how bitter his feelings for Captain America had been and quite probably still were, he couldn't resist that sad look in Steve's eyes. They could not let anyone look at the Soldier properly as a medical doctor, but Tony arranged for some tests and treatments to be given to him.
Bruce came to take a look at the Soldier every once in a while and he did engage a lot in recovering his sanity and getting his emotions under control. Steve was very grateful for that because he understood that Bruce had much more to say about it than he could ever even hope to get. It was flattering for Banner but also annoying and sometimes it was a bit difficult to keep his calm. He found pleasure and purpose in talking to the Soldier; he was as delighted to see some sparks of the real Bucky beneath the layers of HYDRA's manipulation as Steve even though he was not so expressive about it.
Natasha kept her distance. She didn't know how to feel about the situation and she preferred to be firm in her resolutions to admitting she was wrong. She knew Steve was unhappy about it but she knew she wouldn't be able to act around the Winter Soldier as Steve would probably want her to anyway. She was much more cautious than anyone else, especially Rogers who trusted the Soldier blindly, never having seen the danger he was in him. She didn't want to judge Steve, she realized she couldn't even try to imagine what it must have been for him in the strange new world, completely alone, only to discover a beloved friend he deemed dead. On the other hand, she couldn't quite grasp her mind around Stark letting the murderer wander around the tower so freely. Was he out of his mind? Did he just believe Steve there was no danger from the man? She couldn't know.
Clint had no desire to meet the man. The memories from being brainwashed by Loki were still quite raw and he didn't wish to see what would happen to him if he spent more time under the influence of the god. There was no reason for him to come to the tower and so he didn't, just like Thor who had enough of his own issues.
Over the first few months, it was just frustrating and Steve spent more than one night tossing around, unable to fall asleep and with his chest tightened by fear and sadness. There seemed to be no progress with the Soldier, they only found out about a couple of things that terrified him, triggered him to be violent but also those that soothed him. Otherwise he seemed to be just the same as he was when he had fallen asleep beside Stark Tower so many months ago. He didn't respond to any kind of addressing, he was stolid when answering any sorts of questions, indifferent to any choices he was given, obedient and unthinking. Steve almost believed that there was really just an empty shell of the Bucky he used to know.
One night, however, when Steve lay curled under his blanket and tried to convince himself that he did have faith in Bucky coming back, his door opened and revealed a dark figure standing in it. Steve turned on his other side to see the intruder only to recognize the well-known mess of dark hair and a metallic gleam on the person's left side. He didn't dare to move as he watched the Soldier's indecisiveness as to what to do next.
"You're cold." The Soldier finally spoke. Steve frowned a little - he wasn't cold and there was nothing indicating why anyone should think he was. He almost told the Soldier he didn't understand when it hit him. Somehow, Bucky remembered how Steve had been cold and ill all the time and came to check up on him. Steve's eyes almost teared when he looked at his friend, still waiting idly in the doorframe.
"Yes, Bucky, I am." he whispered softly.
"I'll keep you warm," the Soldier stated matter-of-factly and stepped into the room. He closed the door behind himself, setting the room into darkness again. Somehow he found his way towards Steve's bed without tripping over and falling to the ground. He came to Steve who had sat up in the meantime. They stared at each other for a long time; Steve looked up to Bucky just like he always did. There was a puzzled expression upon the Soldier's face and it spoiled Steve's joy a little but only until he realised this was the most human expression his friend had shown since he had come.
The Winter Soldier obviously made up his mind about what to do next. He pushed on Steve's shoulders and forced him to lie down again. It felt awkward but right at the same time. Steve was sure he had blushed when he realised Bucky was pining him to a bed and it made him feel funny. That feeling only increased when Bucky placed himself on top of Steve and stared at him for just a little while before turning Steve's head to the side and laying his face against Steve's. The sensation was strange and yet Steve wanted to scream with happiness. After a few moments with his arms on either of their sides, the Soldier moved both his upper limbs and placed them on the pillow, placing one of his hands over the other just beside Steve's vertex. His arms created a protective square around their heads.
Steve didn't dare to breathe deeply enough not to frighten Bucky. He considered wrapping his arms around his current blanket's waist but he was afraid. He raised them from the elbow down and let them waver just above the Soldier's body. He was torn between desire and caution and it drove him crazy.
"Can you breathe?" Bucky murmured after a long while. Steve figured out he was probably asked because of another memory from the same moment. His asthma had been bad back then and sometimes he would gasp for air desperately without much of an outcome apart from letting out a wheezing sound his lungs managed to produce.
"Yes," he replied, "are you comfortable, Bucky?"
Steve didn't receive any answer but he didn't really expect it. He already got more than he'd dared to hope for. He returned back to his usual breathing pattern and watched Bucky's naked back rise and fall as their chests moved in unison. Bucky would not get convinced to wear a shirt or anything of the sort. He insisted on wearing long trousers all the time but he resisted any pieces of clothes to be put on his torso. Eventually he was let to do whatever he wanted. Steve watched the scarred skin beside the spot where they connected the metal arm to Bucky's living flesh and once more he was amazed at the technology HYDRA had during the war.
"Can I touch you, Bucky?" Steve asked when he couldn't stand not being able to hold Bucky anymore. This question drew much more attention from Bucky than Steve had anticipated. The Winter Soldier supported himself on his forearms and hovered above Steve. Rogers was confused by his behavior but couldn't keep his eyes off the long strands of hair that lined Bucky's face, his collar bones or the shimmer in his eyes.
"Nobody touches me," Bucky hissed but didn't move an inch away from his current position. Steve was aware of their bodies pressed up against one another perfectly, each spot where it mirrored its counterpart. And he was more and more conscious that his body reacted to Bucky just like it always had done. Back then, he had been able to hide it. This time he hoped Bucky would not realize what was going on because there was no way he didn't notice.
"I'm sorry. I won't touch you if you don't want to," Steve murmured and let his hands fall back beside his hips.
"Nobody wants to touch me," the Soldier went on as if Steve's reply stopped him in the middle of a sentence, "they just want me to touch them. Do you want me to touch you?"
Bucky sat up suddenly and moved onto Steve's thighs. He placed his right hand on top of Steve's crotch and unintentionally drew a lustful whim out of Rogers. He was the Winter Soldier again, every color and emotion disappeared from his face as he moved his fingers on the waistband of Steve's pajama bottoms.
"Of course you do. They always do," the Soldier muttered to himself as he pulled the cloth covering Steve away.
Steve woke up from his trance abruptly as he felt Bucky's fingers trace his abdomen. He opened his eyes widely and found his friend watching his work intently, without any expression. Steve reached for the waistband and pulled the pajama up again in a brisk motion. The Soldier looked at him with question in his eyes.
"What have they done to you?" Steve whispered into the silence after he recovered from shock. The Winter Soldier looked away and didn't respond at all. He was confused but he was waiting for punishment he knew would come. Out of experience he knew the best thing was to stay silent and motionless, they liked it.
"Bucky, look at me, please," Steve whimpered with panic in his voice. He needed to make sure his imagination was too wild and pulling tricks on him. Because if it didn't, Bucky's condition was far worse than he had imagined.
"Bucky, please, could you look at me? I'm not going to hurt you," Steve begged one more time. He realised very well that touching Bucky was out of the question. He expected pain and Steve knew he would flinch and connect him with people who broke him.
Bucky sneaked a peek at Steve's face and was perplexed by the emotion he saw. He had seen smug faces, anger, satisfaction, arousal and many more but he had never seen pity, pain or fear. He turned his head to face the other man completely.
"Could you please sit beside me so that I can sit up as well?" Steve asked kindly as he held eye contact with Bucky. The latter didn't say anything and abandoned his spot on Steve's legs and curled up into a ball by the wall with his back pressed firmly against it. Rogers pulled up as well and crossed his legs as he sat opposite Bucky.
"Thank you," Steve said. Once again he didn't get any response from Bucky who had his chin rested on his knees, pulled up close to his chest.
"Did they make you do things like this?" Steve asked carefully. He didn't anticipate to get an answer straight away so he just waited and watched Bucky who was lost in his inner world. They sat in silence until suddenly, Bucky raised his head and nodded.
"And worse?" Steve whispered as if his voice could break Bucky. The affirmative nod came sooner this time. Steve wished he could say he was surprised. Somehow he knew it; Bucky had been shifting and pulling away from him as if he expected to be hurt.
"I won't do it to you," Steve promised, "I'm so sorry."
Bucky didn't acknowledge the words. He was rocking from side to side murmuring something under his breath. Steve considered giving Bucky some space but he decided against it. He was afraid Bucky was too vulnerable in the moment.
"Do you want me to do anything?" Steve asked. Bucky patted the bed beside him. "You need to be warmed up."
Steve didn't protest and sat beside Bucky. Barnes wrapped his arms around Steve and laid his temple on Steve's shoulder. There was a strange mixture of warmth and coldness surrounding Steve; Bucky obviously doesn't realize his left arm did not give warmth anymore.
They sat like that for hours. Steve dozed off a couple of times but he always found Bucky by his side, holding him and keeping an eye on him. It was uncomfortable - even more for Bucky than for Steve as he knew - but he didn't dare to tell Bucky to move. After Steve woke up for the sixth time he looked at Bucky still at his side and couldn't help his curiosity anymore.
"Do you ever sleep?" he asked softly after he made sure Bucky had seen he was awake not to startle Barnes.
"Not on missions," Bucky responded. Steve could feel the vibrations of Bucky's chest.
"You're not on a mission," Steve frowned. "You're at home."
"You're my mission," Bucky replied simply, firmly as if it was the most natural thing in the world. "I must keep you alive and well."
"That is not a mission, Bucky," Steve replied. "Do you know why you do it?"
"No," Bucky replied honestly, "I don't need a reason. I do what I am told."
"Who told you to protect me?" Steve inquired furthermore and he moved a little to see into Bucky's eyes.
"I don't know," Bucky answered. It didn't bother him in the slightest as it seemed. He had some purpose and he was happy with that.
"It's because we are friends. Friends care about each other, not because they have to but because they want to. They like each other. I love you, Bucky." Steve made sure Bucky was looking into his eyes as he pronounced those words.
"Do I love you?" Bucky asked with confusion.
"I can't answer that question for you. But I can help you," Steve smiled, "do you like being with me?"
Bucky nodded. He shifted a little so that they were facing each other with their knees and shins pressed together. He furrowed his brow and reached towards Steve with his hand and he tried to get to Steve's intimate parts again.
"Why would you do that? I told you you don't have to do it, not now, not ever if you don't want to." Steve caught Bucky's hand and placed it gently on the bed.
"I like being with you. I want you to like being with me as well. I don't want you to go away and get me a new keeper." Bucky mumbled with astonishment.
"I won't go away, I won't let anyone else touch you. But promise me you won't do anything you don't want to do. Please."
"I won't do anything I don't want to do." Barnes repeated and for a while his eyes were dim as he got back to repeating things he was told. He returned back to normal as he raised the corners of his mouth in a ghost of a smile.
Ever since this moment, Bucky's behavior changed. He was still cold and unresponsive when facing other people but he warmed up to Steve to a rather alarming degree. Although Steve was over the moon to see that Bucky was not lost completely, the most accurate description of their current relationship was obsession. Bucky followed Steve everywhere and he even insisted on sleeping in Steve's bed, claiming he wouldn't be able to fall asleep alone. Steve could not honestly say he wasn't basking in Bucky's love and attention and he wouldn't hear about the unhealthiness of his attitude towards Bucky.
Frankly though, it was damaging Bucky. Steve's love, too contagious and profound, twisted him and drifted him away from sanity. He couldn't understand the situation - from his point of view, Steve was an extraordinarily nice and caring officer preparing him for a mission that for some reason took longer than he expected. It was pleasant to be loved though and he wanted to enjoy these moments as much as he could. That resulted in him being extremely clingy and submissive. He obeyed Steve without giving it a second thought, he promised whatever he was asked to promise but he didn't get a thing of what he was repeating. It didn't matter anyway - if this was the price for all the comfort and affection he was receiving, he was more than ready to pay it.
The only chance of improvement came a few weeks later when Steve had to leave for a mission that absolutely required his attendance. He didn't want to go away because Bucky seemed to turn back into a closed, cold-hearted hollow existence without any kind of feeling, opinion or life when he wasn't around. He tried to explain to Bucky he had to go, expecting a tantrum or maybe a breakdown. However, Bucky just shrugged and sulked without meeting Steve's eye.
Bruce took advantage of Steve's absence and talked to Bucky again, more eagerly but with better structured arguments and kindness. Bucky was rigid as always until Bruce brought up Steve. That intrigued the otherwise detached Winter Soldier.
"How do you feel about him?" Bruce asked carefully after playing with the hot potato for a while. Bucky titled his head to the side and furrowed his brow.
"He's a friend," he replied, unsure, after a while. It was the best way how to convey his emotions that flew and twirled around his mind, way out of his reach. He would like to express what he truly felt but he just didn't know. It frightened him and he hoped he won't be punished for not knowing. He flinched unintentionally and pulled away from Bruce.
"It's alright if you don't know, I'm not going to punish you for it. Just tell me what you do know, okay? Anything you recall when you think of him." Bruce could see his hesitation. He knew it wouldn't be easy to convince Bucky about his good intentions but he was determined.
"He's kind," Bucky murmured, "I like when he holds me in his arms. I feel…" he looked around helplessly as he couldn't find the word he was searching for. It was there, the perfect word that described the sensation of being embraced by the warm, firm mass of muscles. "I feel like I belong with him. I've never experienced it. All the other keepers kept their distance. They didn't like me."
"He is not your keeper," Bruce explained kindly. He was aware of Bucky's everlasting problem - he didn't seem capable of grasping the concept of being free. "You don't have to be with him if you don't want. You don't have to please him."
"I - I can't…it's…" Bucky pressed his right palm against his forehead and rubbed it as if he was in pain. He closed his eyes and curled so he was almost laying on his thighs as he sat. He looked like he was in pain.
"It's alright, don't pressure yourself," Bruce reached forward to pat him on the shoulder with alarm. When his hand made contact with Bucky's body, the former assassin straightened his back, stared at Bruce with horror and widened eyes. "I'm sorry."
"I don't like when other people touch me," Bucky muttered under his breath almost spitefully when he recovered from shock.
"But you do enjoy being in Steve's embrace, don't you?" Bruce asked and retreated back to his former position.
"I trust him. He doesn't want me to touch him if I don't agree. It doesn't hurt when he touches me." Bucky explained and he laced his fingers together and separated them again to calm himself down.
"Did I hurt you?" Bruce inquired. Bucky averted his eyes so he didn't have to meet his eyes. "Be honest with me, please. I want to help you."
"I don't know you." Bucky whispered with tears in his eyes. "I know Steve. I don't know where from, but he feels… safe. I don't know you. They never hurt me right from the beginning. I didn't know them."
"Would you give me a chance to present myself to you?" Bruce asked carefully.
"I don't know." Bucky sobbed. It was overwhelming for him, too many sensations, too many feelings and too many memories attacked him and his unstable mental health.
"Do you want to leave now?"
Bucky just nodded in response. When he was allowed to withdraw, he almost ran to the door and he opened it forcefully as if his life depended on it. He didn't see anything clearly and before he knew it, he was lying in Steve's bed and crying with the pillow firmly pressed against his chest for comfort.
Only about an hour after that, he sat up and stared at his knees for a long time. He tried to evaluate his emotions as he was advised but he found the concept of Steve not being his keeper difficult to comprehend. Steve was doing everything all the previous keepers did at the beginning - made sure Bucky ate, slept, took a bath. He was a lot nicer than they were, yes, but he seemed like a caring person. Maybe Bucky was good enough to get better treatment than he used to have. Or maybe Steve wasn't a keeper - alright, Bucky could live with that. Steve told him he loved him and that seemed like a plausible explanation. Someone else had to be his keeper.
Bucky rose to his feet and smoothed his trousers. He considered wearing a different pair the next day but he decided that could wait. He wiped away the tears that covered his cheeks, chin and neck and took a deep breath. He thought he had seen Steve calming down like this during panic attacks but he couldn't be sure. Bucky set on a journey for knowledge. He needed answers and for the first time he had the questions to ask prepared.
Upon entering the room he had left before, he was surprised to see Bruce sitting in it. He was almost overwhelmed with nausea - how did he dare ask questions?! - but he had been assured it was fine to ask. He'd better do it before it's forbidden again. Bucky made a few more bashful steps before he sat down onto the floor. It seemed more appropriate than sitting on the same level as the person he believed to be his keeper.
For some time, they just sat there in silence. Bruce was working on something and checked up on Bucky every once in a while but that was all there was to his acknowledgement of the self-conscious bundle of nerves building up courage to speak up. Bucky stared at him wide-eyed and wanted to run. His curiosity was too strong for that though.
"Are you my keeper?" he asked quietly and gazed at the other man intently.
"No," Bruce answered and laid the papers he was reading on the table.
"Then who is?" Bucky yelped, too confused to be proven wrong in such an important thing once again.
"Nobody. You're free now. That means you're your own keeper." Bruce explained and took away his reading glasses because this didn't seem like a short conversation.
"I can't do that. I don't know how to," Bucky shrugged and seemed to shrink even more. It seemed incredible how such a big, muscular man could look this tiny.
"You do. You just forgot but I promise you'll remember. You still have me and Steve to help you." Bruce looked at Bucky's puzzled expression. "Being free doesn't mean being alone."
"But how could I know?" Bucky shook his head dejectedly. "I don't know anything."
…
Steve came back from the mission in the middle of the night. Jarvis let him in as the whole house was dark and silent. He took an elevator up to his and Bucky's compartment and he almost fell asleep as he leant against the cold wall of the lift. He recalled a conversation he had with Fury about a friendly grandpa with a paperbag and a gun inside and he yawned. He was looking forward to taking a shower with hot water and curling up in his bed.
When he reached his bedroom, he entered without giving a second thought and he switched the light on and threw all his things on the floor. He was startled when someone pressed him against the wall with great force.
"What the- jeez, Bucky, it's me." Steve gasped as he recognized the pair of bright eyes scanning him. He was suddenly very awake and conscious of the weight of Bucky's body pressed against his own.
"Sorry. Instinct," Bucky murmured and let go of Steve. They looked at each other for a while before Bucky wrapped his arms around Steve and squished him. "I missed you so much."
"I missed you too, punk," Steve smiled against Bucky's disheveled hair and it felt a lot like kissing the top of Bucky's head.
"Did you do what you were supposed to do?" Bucky asked with his face still on Steve's chest.
"Yeah, it took a while, but yes." Steve smiled and embraced Bucky.
"So you won't leave me again?" Bucky asked and pulled away a little to look into the latter's eyes.
"I would have to leave occasionally," Steve laughed, "but I'll stay here with you for so long you'll wish I'd be away."
"Why would I wish you were gone?" Bucky asked with a puzzled expression.
"No reason," Steve smiled, "can I take a shower now? I'll get to you quickly, but I'm dirty and smell like a pig."
"Inaccurate," Bucky muttered without thinking.
"What?"
"You don't smell like a pig. You smell like you." Bucky explained. "It's what you usually smell like, but more intense. It feels as if you were much closer than you truly are."
"You're such a romantic," Steve laughed, "can I get the shower now?"
"Of course," Bucky replied and let his arms fall down by his sides. Steve smiled at him without really looking at him and walked around Bucky towards the bathroom. He couldn't see Bucky's pained face or hear his silent sob. Bucky thought he managed to explain to Steve he liked being close and didn't want him to go to the bathroom. But it seemed like he didn't and it made him want to cry and scream. Instead, he just left the room to be alone with his thoughts.
Steve left the shower only in his towel. Bucky was used to seeing him naked and for some reason Steve never even thought of feeling shy in front of this strange ghost of his best friend. He brushed his teeth swiftly and emerged from the bathroom with a bright smile on his face, expecting to see his friend waiting for him. However, he was alone.
He analysed what happened a few moments ago to see what he could have possibly done wrong as he put on his pajamas. He made sure the window is closed and probably had been all the time - at least he couldn't see any sign of somebody having left the room that way.
He ran out of the room and decided to check Bucky's room at first. If he was there, he wasn't truly hiding from Steve, just being the drama queen he was. As he knocked on the door softly, he could hear his assumption was right - Bucky was indeed in his bedroom.
"Bucky? Can I come in?" Steve added to his knocking. "I'm sorry for what I've done to you."
"Come," he heard a muffled reply. He stepped inside the room and found Bucky lying on a bed with his hands laced below his head and his legs bent in knees and supported on his feet as if he was waiting for Steve to come.
"Hey," Steve said awkwardly as he sat down on the edge of Bucky's bed.
"I didn't think you wanted to be with me." Bucky said after a moment of silence.
"Why? I always want to be with you, silly." Steve shook his head.
Bucky didn't respond verbally, he had no idea what he wanted to say. Instead, he sat up and hugged Steve tightly from behind. His metal arm send shivers down Steve's body and Bucky pulled away a little.
"Have I done something wrong?" he asked with fear.
"No, of course you haven't," Steve smiled and kissed his right forearm instinctively. "What if I stayed here with you tonight?"
…
It was a long journey from insecure, confused Bucky to the way he is today. Even though Steve's glad he has his friend almost fully back, he still recalls those moments with fondness. It were the times when Bucky was completely devoted to him, unaware he could have his own opinions. Today's Bucky is certainly much more real and their relationship is true and as it should be but sometimes, as they fight over something, Steve misses Bucky whose only purpose was to agree with Steve. However, this remorse usually goes away when they make up and seal their reconciliation with a heartfelt and passionate sex.
It took years before Bucky was ready but his love for Steve and his need to be close to him finally took over his fear and painful memories. Ever since then, he's found it very difficult to keep his hands off Steve. They lust for each other as if they were seventeen again and neither of them can see the end of the desire. They had to refrain from loving each other for way too long.
Natasha finally found her way to Bucky but it took a while. After she watched Steve and Bucky when they couldn't see her, she changed her mind completely. Whatever she felt towards the Winter Soldier, her heart melted at the sight of Steve laughing freely and openly at Bucky's joke. She had to admit he'd never been even remotely close to such happiness and that made it easier for her to stop seeing the Winter Soldier.
Sam Wilson drops by occasionally as well. He teases Steve and Bucky saying they're disgusting but in reality, everyone just loves the couple. And they truly are disgustingly in love; they froze in time to get into ages where they could finally love each other wholly and openly. And if that is not a love story, then what is?
If you thought the ending was soppy I'm sorry...?