How To Torture Mello
Another new chapter.
Woohoo, I'm on a roll.
This chapter includes much embarrassment
on Mello's part, more Matt-centric nosebleeds, and a very
disturbingly evil Near. Oh, L's here too. Yay.
This fanfic has been brought to you by:
Narrow Stairs,
DCFC's new album;
The backspace key;
L;
Lemon sorbet;
and my favorite inspiration, boredom.
--
Mello
walked back to his room from the bathroom, drying his hair with a
towel and dripping all over the freshly cleaned floor.
He knocked on the door- this was a habit he'd developed, after walking into Matt in a very…well, we'll call it compromising…position- and Matt yelled "COME IN."
Matt was lying face down on the floor, arms outstretched in the rug, feet up and waving around. His DS was open, sitting next to him, and blaring the tinny Mario theme.
"What are you doing?!" asked Mello, sitting down on the bed and poking the redhead with his toe.
"Yoga," was the muffled reply, as Matt hoisted his upper body up off of the carpet and bent his back. "This's called the Sun Salutation."
"…Riiiiight."
Matt plopped back down on the rug, turned over, and asked, "Hey, isn't L coming down today?"
"Yeah, it's on the calendar in the hallway. Why? You excited?"
"Hn, yeah. Just wondering, really."
Mello couldn't help but feel a twinge of foreboding, seeing as Matt had humiliated him twice before…
--
As soon as Mello went to get breakfast, Matt got up off of the floor, cracked his back, and padded over to Mello's dresser.
There was a bottle of some strange shampoo, which Matt opened, poured cologne into, and stirred before closing the lid again; a small tube of cologne, which smelled like stinky socks- Matt didn't dare touch it for fear of being contaminated; and a hairbrush. Matt took the hairbrush to his side of the room, where he fiddled around with it for a while before putting it back, satisfied. He'd coated most of the brush with bright purple hair dye, so that when Mello ran it through his hair, it'd deposit.
Matt thought himself a genius.
And with that cheery tone, he snapped his goggles on and skipped down to breakfast.
Yes, skipped.
--
"Exactly as planned!!" cackled Near, watching from the ventilation grate. He regarded the rather forlorn-looking Transformer doll next to him. "Don't worry, Optimus Prime. We'll win. You'll see…"
--
"L!!" screeched the mass of orphans crowded around the front door, attempting to hug/tackleglomp/molest the poor detective, who was wildly trying to fight the mass of kids off.
"Yes, I know you're happy to see me, but I really have to- No, don't cry! I'll see you at dinner! Don't jump on me, please! It's painful! Ah! Did I step on you?! Oh, I'm sorry. Go see Roger, he'll fix it for you… Mello! Near!"
This last remark was directed to the two, who were both beaming (in Near's case, looking happy for once) and itching noticeably to run and tackleglomp their "hero".
"Let's go up to my room, okay?" said L, taking their hands.
Matt watched eagerly from the crowd. Perfect… he thought, inwardly rubbing his hands together in glee.
--
Mello was ecstatic.
L, in the flesh, not just a fake scrambled voice with a letter, was sitting there in front of him, and he was AWESOME.
He knew that he usually came in late at night, hence the hugging-fest that they'd had a couple days ago, but for L to travel in normal hours was just plain strange. But it didn't matter, since L was here. If L was here, Mello didn't need chocolate. He was happy.
The detective in question was carefully plopping sugar cubes into his teacup, going on ten. "So, Near, Mello, how are your studies going?"
They answered in turn, Near (as always) getting somewhat better scores than Mello, who at the moment couldn't care less.
"Ah. I see…Well, boys, I'm working on a very dangerous case."
Utter silence.
"And I'm risking my life, you see. The murderer I'm trying to identify can kill with merely a face and name, but now we've seen evidence that they can kill with just the face. I may die. That is what I'm saying."
"You…you're…?" stuttered Mello, unable to say what he'd planned, which was much more intelligent than this.
"Yes, I am. So, boys…If I am to die, the one who should take over as L…"
Mello listened with bated breath. Had he finally, finally beaten Near?!
"…Of course, this is only in the event that I perish…"
Oh, come on!! Mello was squirming in his chair. The suspense was just too much for him to bear…he needed to know…
"Well, it's –"
BOOM.
"What the bloody hell was that?!" swore L as he ran over to the window with faster speed than you'd think his skinny body was capable of.
Mello sat there in shock. "No... NOOOOOOO!!" he yelled at the ceiling, foiled again in his never-ending quest to beat Near.
--
Downstairs, a very shell-shocked Matt sat staring at the two wires in his hands, then the large black sooty spot about ten feet in front of him.
He'd never been more grateful for his goggles. And he'd learned never, ever, ever to detonate C4 in his room. Luckily he'd done it in the basement this time.
"That was awesome."
--
When Mello stomped into their shared room, Matt was oh-so-innocently lying on his bed, playing some random game.
"WHAT. THE. HELL. DID. YOU. DO?!" the chocoholic yelled, grabbing Matt by the collar and hoisting him up to eye level.
Foggy orange-green met angry blue.
"I didn't do anything," said Matt, holding up his unscathed hands. Mello grabbed them, searching for any trace of soot, any burns…anything that would give Matt away as a culprit.
"Okay…I guess you're telling the truth."
Yes! thought Matt, but he didn't say it.
--
That night, Matt woke up at about one in the morning, went over to the CD player under his desk, stuck a disk in it, pressed a button, and picked the entire thing up. He dropped it right beside Mello's bed, pressed play, and scooted out of the room like it was on fire, shutting the door behind him.
"Phase two," he mumbled to himself, "is complete!"
--
Mello woke up muttering.
"WhyisMatta stonerrrrr?! Wha?!"
He nearly smacked his head on the loudly blaring CD player, which had been playing the same song for nearly five hours. "WHAT THE HELL?!" he yelled, kicking it off his bed and killing the music with a BAM.
He muttered some more, something about "Matt's such a SOB…" and then bothered to realize what song had been playing.
Shut Up And Sleep With Me.
Mello's mental processes shut down for a second as he figured this out.
Oh, god.
--
Matt was interrupted during breakfast by Mello plopping down in front of him, humming quietly. "Hey, Mells."
The blonde in question shot him a High Voltage Death Glare, which shocked the gamer a little. Oh, so he must know the song…he thought, inwardly smacking himself.
Mello couldn't take it anymore, however. He started singing, quietly at first, but finally loud enough for his tablemate to hear.
"Shut up…and sleep with me come on why don't you sleep with me…"
Matt blinked a couple times. "Mello…?"
He looked up. And blushed, at the face that Matt was making. "Ehh…the song…stuck…in my head…yeahhh…"
There was a moment of silence.
Then Mello suddenly got up, said "Bathroom," and was gone in less time than Matt thought possible.
"Hm…"
--
Mello grabbed some toilet paper and stuffed it up his nose.
Stupid, stupid, stupid Matt. Making him get a nosebleed for no apparent reason. Screw that, he knew that there was a reason- that dumb song that he'd played in his ear all night long! Why were there people out there who liked that kind of stuff?!
Stupid yaoi fangirls, he thought bitterly, checking his nose for any more bleedage.
--
Near nearly peed his pants.
--
"MAAAATTTTTTT!!"
"What?"
"WHY IS MY HAIR TURNING PURPLE?!"
Matt cackled.
"WHAT?"
"I don't know…pffft!!"
"…This is your fault, isn't it."
Matt was out of there before Mello could come at him, bloodlust in his eyes. No one messed with his hair and got away with it.
--
The next morning, Matt woke up with a boombox in front of his nose. "Grah!" he yelled, falling off the bed.
Crap… he thought, waiting for the subliminal message of the song to pop into his head.
His face fell.
Could Mello sink this low?
Yes, he could.
The song?
Like A Virgin, by Madonna.
--
"Like a virgin…being touched for the very first tiiime…like a viiiiiiiirgin…"
"What are you SINGING?!"
--
Yeah!
So, there you go, some evil Near, revenge-y Mello, and poor victimized Matt.
I'm starting to really like this fic.
REVIEWERS ARE ÜBER AWESOME 'COS THEY'RE GANGSTA.
And that, my friends, is truth.
…
I'm thinking about making a n00b's guide to Fanfiction, since no n00b wants to click on something and find that it's a very graphic lemon. Nooooo.
So a lexicon of Fanfiction terms is in order! That was completely random!
…
CHRISTMASTREESAREAWESOMESUBLIMINALMESSAGEREVIEWREVIEWSUBLIMINALMESSAGEOVERHUGSTOALLIT'SASMALLWORLDWOOTNESS
黒川 (kuro kawa)(black river)(blake mkenzie)
Awesome!