Fears

Waking up the following morning, she stretched, yawning before grabbing her handheld mirror. She sighed when she only saw her reflection. He always was an early riser. She shook her head, throwing off the handmade quilt as she got up out of bed.

Their first day as Toby and Celes. Oh, she could only imagine how this day would go. Chances were that she wouldn't be able to keep her hands off him today. She rarely did when they were married. Now, seeing him like this, Merlin himself wouldn't be able to stop her. She laughed, running a hand through her tight curls. She needed to get a move on if she was going to make it to breakfast today.

She quickly headed off to the showers, towel in hand. She had always hated the community showers when she was a student. The recurrent fear of someone walking in on her taking a shower scared her like nothing else. She glanced around, noticing that the room seemed empty thankfully.

Turning the water on a moment later, she stripped down and stepped into the shower, snapping the curtain closed behind her. She showered as fast as she could, hating the vulnerability she currently felt. At any moment, someone could enter the room and attack her. She was practically defenseless.

She washed her hair silently, closing her eyes to keep the shampoo out. At the sound of something falling somewhere behind the shower curtain, she jumped, whirling around and grabbing the wall to keep herself upright. She quickly rinsed the shampoo out before she stared at the curtain, clearly on her guard as her mind tricked her by replaying the events of last May in her head.

Boom! Her tower shook violently, causing her to lose her balance and stumble. She somehow caught herself thankfully. It was too dangerous clearly, even if it did give her a good vantage point to see the hell that had engulfed Hogwarts. She quickly headed for the trapdoor, climbing down the ladder.

More curses struck the base of her tower and caused it to shake again. Likely an attempt by the jackarse Death Eaters to level it, she mused. She had just reached the middle of the observatory when someone Apparated with a swirl of robes behind her. Her hand tightened around her wand instantly. However, before she could get a curse off, a hand covered her mouth as an arm wrapped around her midsection to hold her against her attacker. She felt the sickly feeling of side-along Apparation then.

"No!" she yelled, her voice echoing around the room. She quickly came back to herself, feeling herself tremble. Sliding down the wall, she openly wept, her legs pulled up against her chest. Why couldn't she just move on like the others? Why did she have to remember that night over and over again? Why the hell didn't the memories just leave her alone? He didn't have these flashbacks anymore.

She drew in a series of sharp breaths, attempting to calm herself once more. Sitting and crying about it wouldn't help. Nothing would. When she convinced herself that she had pushed back the memories and feelings attached with it, she pushed herself up again. She needed to be strong. For them.

Turning off the water, she held a hand out and summoned her towel. She wrapped herself up tightly in it prior to reaching for her clothes on the other side of the curtain. She frowned when she noticed someone's shampoo bottle lying on the floor. So that was what that noise was earlier.

Shaking her head, she dried herself off and quickly dressed in her Hufflepuff uniform. She tugged on her tie one last time to make it less constricting before she left the room. Breakfast was clearly calling her, judging by her stomach growling.

She grabbed her bag with her books from her room and headed towards the common room. She paused when she saw a tall curly-haired young man standing by the door. Her warm brown eyes glanced around the room, wondering whom he was waiting for.

"Oh, there you are," her housemate said brightly. He quickly held his hand out. "Justin Finch-Fletchley. I thought I'd introduce myself since I didn't have a chance last night."

She gave a soft awkward laugh before she hesitantly shook his hand. "Nice to meet you, I guess." A part of her wanted to flee. It was bad enough knowing that the young man in front of her had a crush on her when she was his professor. Now, being closer in age to him just made her that much more uncomfortable. Not to mention, she knew how Toby would react if he were here. "I'm Celes Martins," she lied, shifting her weight slightly. "And I'm sort of hungry. So . . . nice to meet you but bye." She took a step to walk past him, stopping when he stepped back into her path.

"I'm hungry, too. What a coincidence." He forced a laugh. "Let me walk you to the Great Hall."

She forced a painful smile, nodding slowly. Oh, Circe, why didn't the boy ever get the hint that she wanted to be left alone? She followed him silently, though, tuning out his mindless chatter. Merlin and Circe and everyone else above, help Finch-Fletchley if they ran into Toby.

As they neared the Entrance Hall, she felt her stomach clench tighter. If she walked in with him right now, he'd end up flat on his arse with a curse or two. Where was Luna when she needed her? She then laughed silently when she saw the familiar dishwater blond waiting at the top of the stairs.

"Hello," Luna quietly said, turning her head to the side as she looked at them. "I believe Professor Sprout was looking for you earlier in the Greenhouse, Justin. Something about your project."

"Really? Oh. Well." He forced a polite smile to cover his disappointment of having to leave. "I better go see her, then." He turned and quickly headed outside.

"Thanks," she said to Luna.

Luna only smiled, though. "Shall we go to breakfast? I hear that it's quite delicious this year. Now that they've stopped using Lyrica root."

She laughed softly, nodding. Luna always made her smile. She walked beside the Ravenclaw, knowing they had a short distance left before they reached the Great Hall.

"He worries about you," Luna quietly stated. "He barely slept last night in fact." She continued walking in silence for a few moments. "I found him this morning on the sofa, staring at the fire. He wishes he could talk to you, but he doesn't want to cause you any more pain."

"What do you suggest?" she asked quietly.

"We're all hurting this year. Each with our own pain. Yet, instead of hiding yours, you could let him help. He does love you, Celes."

"I know he does, Luna."

"Then, stop pushing him away. Ask him to help battle your Nargles with you," she replied flatly, pushing open the heavy oak door to the Great Hall. "He asked you the same after all, didn't he?" Luna walked away from her a moment later in silence to head to the Ravenclaw table.

She glanced at the table, finding Toby staring back at her instantly. She could see the concern in his eyes even from there. She turned away, though, heading to Hufflepuff's table. Maybe later.

~Rising~

From the Ravenclaw table he was sitting at, Toby looked across the table towards Celes as she silently ate her breakfast, a few of her housemates talking to her. It was getting easier now to refer to himself as Toby instead of Severus. Then again, being Toby was like wearing yet another mask, and he was good at wearing masks since he had done it most of his adult life thanks to Dumbledore.

"Hey, Toby?" said a sixth-year next to him, hitting him lightly in the arm.

He frowned, refusing to break his gaze from Celes. "What?"

"Why don't you just go for it?"

He tore his gaze from her reluctantly, glancing at the sixth-year. "What do you mean?"

"Why don't you just walk over there and ask her out?"

"Who?" He didn't trust the other boy. Then again, he did have a hard time trusting others.

"The witch you've been staring at the past five minutes. You might as well just bite the big one and ask her. Otherwise, you'll never get a shot with her."

He forced his face to remain neutral when he heard the other boy's stray thought of how Toby likely didn't have a chance in hell to begin with but that it'd be amusing as hell to watch. Oh, if only he had known Legilimency when he had been in school with James Potter and Sirius Black, both of which who loved to torment him. It would have saved him many times from embarrassing himself at the expense of one of their stupid pranks. Wiser now, he scoffed, shaking his head.

"Clearly, you're inept when it comes to witches, aren't you?" Toby stated, laughing.

"What?"

"No witch wants to be asked. She wants to be told what to do, dominated." He snorted, taking a drink of his juice. "Honestly. Don't you know anything about girls?" He caught the other boy's shocked look instantly. He silently laughed. So the bully wasn't used to looking stupid. How truly sad.

"You made that up!"

"Prove it," Toby replied, shrugging. He sat there smugly when the other boy got up and left. Served the git right for trying to make an arse out of him. He caught a few other students' hidden smiles. However, he turned back to Celes.

"Post's here," someone announced at a nearby table.

His dark eyes immediately glanced upwards to watch the disguised Copernicus glide down to Celes. He smiled inwardly when the ruddy bird dropped her package. He needed to see her reaction. Even if they were just supposed to be friends for the first month, she was still his wife.

He watched her frown at first before she slowly undid the ribbon that tied the package closed. She then ripped open the wrapping paper, pulling out his gift for her. His eyes took in every minute facial reaction she made. He saw the confusion on her face first, likely wondering who the hell gave her a journal. A soft smile followed closely behind as she opened to the first page. He watched her fingers pass over the words that he knew were there, since he had penned it himself.

He had written a simple explanation that stated the journal was for her to record her thoughts and recollections about the day in, giving her something to refer back to later in terms of her research. However, he had closed his justification with a simple heart. Normally, there would be no way in hell that he'd have drawn that symbol, but he needed her to know without a doubt that it was from him without telling her.

He watched her quickly close the journal as Professor Sprout handed out timetables. A part of him was glad she had done that. His handwriting likely would have given them away. It was the one thing he had difficulty masking.

"Ah, Mr. Brooks. There you are," Professor Flitwick squeaked behind him. "Your timetable. Quite an ambitious one, too."

Toby nodded slowly with a soft laugh. Ambitious? Hermione Granger had taken a similar schedule as his in her fifth year. It was actually the most sensible of her choices. He glanced over it, thinking back to what he knew from his years of handing out timetables himself.

"Damn. We have everything with the 'Puffs again this year," someone in his year groaned further down the table.

"Better them than the Slytherins," someone else pointed out.

"Or, Merlin forbid, the Gryffindors," another person said.

"Yeah, but I wanted some competition this year, you know? Poor losers."

Toby said nothing. He had thought that the students fighting together as one would have caused the usual rivalries to vanish. That wasn't the case, however, it'd seem. He stood up when he noticed Celes was moving towards the doors quickly. He glanced back to where she had been sitting, noticing no hushed whispers to give reason that someone had said something to her. Hastily, he went after her, wondering what could be wrong.

As he walked around a corner, he was suddenly yanked by his tie, letting out a strangled noise before he stumbled into the nearby classroom. The door shut behind them. His guard lowered instantly at the sight of Celes. Blasted witch nearly ended up with a few lovely curse marks for that.

"You should be more careful, Celes," he stated, fixing his tie as he waited for her to speak. "I could have hexed you."

"And I would have blocked it." She smiled before wrapping her arms around his neck. "Thank you, love," she whispered, embracing him warmly. "It's beautiful."

"It's a journal," he replied, shrugging slightly. He caught her eye roll a moment later. "What other classes did you take?" His arms instinctively wrapped around her loosely.

"Runes, Arithmancy, and Muggle Studies."

"No Care of Magical Creatures?" he asked with a faint smirk. She was always one advocating about learning new creatures and how she wished she could have had Hagrid as a professor.

"It's a required class this year. Didn't you know?"

"It is?" He hadn't heard that. Then again, it wasn't like he went to staff meetings as he recovered anyway. On the other hand, neither had she for that matter. "Why?"

"No Astronomy this year," she answered as if it was nothing big.

"What!" he exclaimed. "He's required to find your classes a substitute while you're on sabbatical. Not cancel it."

"Whatever." She shrugged. "It doesn't matter anymore anyway."

He frowned inwardly. It didn't matter? Did she even hear herself currently? He felt his gut clench as he realized that she was more like him now than he had thought. He had thought she was in pain, hiding it from him. Now, he knew that wasn't the case. She was just numb to her own pain. She likely didn't even know anymore how hurt she really was.

"Celes," he started to say, only to stop when she pressed a finger to his lips.

"It's not the end of the world, Toby. Hell, it's not like anyone will even notice. Plus, it's new and interesting. It's the first time in sixteen years that there's no Astronomy. Might be fun." She smiled, kissing him gently before resting her head on his shoulder. "You're worried, aren't you?"

"No."

"Liar," she said with a laugh. "I'm fine, Toby. I'm fifteen again with a soon-to-be dashing boyfriend while getting credit for dating him. You don't need to worry. Trust me. I'm good. Actually, I'm better than good. I'm great."

He didn't believe her in the slightest, but he knew better than to argue. At times, she was almost as stubborn as he was. He held her silently for a few moments, closing his eyes as he relaxed. As long as she was in his arms, he knew she was safe.

At the feel of her lips on his, he reopened his eyes, glancing at her. He swallowed when her hand snaked through the slight opening in his robes and sought out his chest. What was she doing?

"Celes?" Was she changing the plan? They were going to wait a month, he thought.

"What do you say to skiving off and exploring?" she whispered, her fingers playing with his belt.

He would say a lot of things, but he remained quiet and just stared at her. Her mood had shifted. He thought about pushing her back from him, only he didn't. He couldn't really. All his self-control went out the window minutes ago with her kiss. He hissed silently when she unbuckled his belt and slid her hand underneath his waistband. He felt his abdomen clench at the unexpected touch. Was this a case of her exhibiting the normal teenage hormones already or was it something more? A distraction likely. Her lips went to his neck, gentle kisses pressed against the sensitive area. A groan escaped him. What was going on with her? His heart raced as she continued her sweet assault. He needed to stop this. Before it went too far. He could feel himself slightly tremor.

"Celes," he groaned, his hands grabbing her upper arms.

"Shh, love. It's all right."

No. It wasn't. He drew in a shaky breath, trying to summon the necessary strength. Something was going on with her again. He had seen it before during the summer. She'd get in these moods.

"Celes, stop. Please. We can't do this right now." He couldn't do this right now. While inside he was aroused as hell—his blood feeling as if it was on fire, he still wasn't responding the right way down below. He, in fact, knew that he was still limp in her hand, much to his disgust.

"It'll work. I'll be patient this time," she promised, nibbling gently on his earlobe.

He closed his eyes at her words. She was patient for most of last time, too. Only he had grown frustrated with himself to the point of nearly becoming violent with her. He still to that day was afraid of losing control and hurting her again.

"Celes, no. Not now." He felt her release him instantly, withdrawing her hand from his trousers. He caught the brief flash of anger in her eyes, but said nothing. He knew from experience that his pointing out her anger at his saying no would only make it worse. She whirled around and stormed out.

He sighed when the door slammed shut behind her. Would they ever be the same again? Would they ever heal from the emotional scars left on their souls? At this point, he wasn't certain. He closed his eyes. Three years ago, they were happy and very much in love. They didn't show it to anyone else, of course, since it was too dangerous, but they were. The war had changed them, however. It had shattered their relationship to the very core, leaving them both broken and in pieces. His were slowly being put back together he knew with his therapy sessions with Pomfrey. Hers remained on the floor, untouched. If he could, he'd absorb every ounce of her heartache, every drop of her pain himself. He hated knowing that she was suffering in silence, too damn stubborn and too damn selfless to take care of herself for once instead of him. It was partly why he had agreed to regressing in age with her. He thought it might help her heal somehow, being younger—seemingly innocent again. He sighed. He needed help. Before he truly did lose her to the darkness that was slowly consuming her inside.