How to Torture Mello 6.
Wow, it's actually come this far. Six chapters and I haven't let up. And to think this was going to be a three-shot. Bah.
I've got 52 reviews, at the time I'm writing this, and OH MY GOSH you guys are AWESOME. The kindness and the "OMG you're hilarious"-ness just made me so incredibly happy…please pat yourselves on the back, reviewers. You repeatedly make my day. Yes, it's possible. Even you people who just got on the bandwagon, thanks so incredibly much. The plot bunnies that were given popped out of the computer screen and started noshing on my brains.
Noshing…
I'm using that in this fic.
"Why am I suddenly speaking German?!" –Excel Saga.
Also, much respect to the reviewer who suggested a bad-tempered emu to be added to this story. Your wishes have been granted…muahahaha…
IN THIS CHAPTER:
Embarrassed L, Light (without his memories), Watari with a nosebleed, innocent-looking Mello, and maternity leather.
Hobey-ho!
--
Beep. Beep. Beep.
Mello gazed wearily at the ceiling.
It had been a week since Near had shown that very…er, awkward-turtle-inducing movie, a week since L had put cameras into their room to make sure they weren't doing anything inappropriate (or did L just want to watch?), a week since Matt had smacked him over the head for trying to light his Gameboy on fire.
And Mello realized, with a jolt, that today was actually somewhat important.
L was bringing a visitor.
So he yawned/sighed deeply, slowly sat up, and slumped there, on his bed, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. "Maaaaaatt?" he drawled, eyes closed.
"Poooooooooocktsuki..."
"Wake up."
"Don' wanna."
He walked over to the gamer's bed, leaned down, and kissed him. "Now wake up?"
No reaction.
Mello sighed, got up, and grabbed a spray bottle off of his dresser. "I'll spray you."
Matt was up and dressed in less time than Mello thought was physically possible. "Okay, I'm up! I'm up!"
"Is my cologne that bad?" asked the blonde, offended.
"Yes."
--
Near woke up in a rather odd predicament.
He was surrounded by (or at least he thought he was) dancing paper dolls dressed entirely in leather…until he blinked, and realized that the "dolls" were just Mello and Matt standing over him grinning very evil grins.
This, Near thought, swallowing audibly, could be a very, very bad day.
"Get up, melonhead," said Mello, crunching a piece of chocolate between his molars as he spoke. "There's this thing called breakfast, y'know? And another thing called being hungry. Yeah. Say it. HU-N-GA-RYYYY."
Matt rolled his eyes. "Do you have to be that macho all the time?"
"Of course I do! If I don't, the emus will eat my face…"
"…"
"The horrible, horrible emus…emo emus…"
"Whatever you say, Mello."
And with that, they schlepped the loudly complaining (for him at least) Near out of his room, through the halls, into the kitchen, out of the kitchen, up the stairs, into L's bathroom, out of L's bathroom, and-finally- into the dining room.
They dropped his arms onto the floor, exhausted. "Why did we have to go all the way into L's bathroom?" asked the redhead, holding his knees and panting like a dog.
"…No reason…" replied Mello, which clearly implied that there was a reason that was either very perverted or very…Mello-like.
--
They got food, Mello piling hunks of strawberries onto Near's plate with great gusto and Matt sticking to his normal scrambled eggs, and sat down.
They didn't stay there for long.
L suddenly ran into the door, pulling a strange-looking guy in with him and quickly shutting the doors. "CRAPBISCUITS," he swore, looking for somewhere to hide.
"Hi, L."
L jumped about three feet in the air. "…Oh, Mello. Don't do that."
"Do…what? And who's that?"
The person in question was dressed haphazardly in a button-down shirt and some nice slacks. He looked, in Mello's opinion, like some sort of model for Banana Republic or J.Crew or some other lame-o store like that. His hair was brown, his eyes were brown, and he wasn't really that…interesting.
L answered, "Oh. Right. Boys, this is Yagami Raito."
"Call me Light," said the guy-Raito- as he bowed.
"…"
--
Raito was somewhat bugged by the fact that L had never told him that he had an orphanage. Okay, maybe it wasn't his, but after all they'd been through –not going into details, but it involved some rather…er, R-rated stuff- he thought he deserved to know basically everything about L. Except his real name- that was off limits. For anyone.
So he stood there, watching these scruffy little kids introduce themselves.
"I'm Matt." said the red-haired boy clutching a Gameboy, who was wearing the weirdest eyegear Raito had ever seen. Orange lenses…straps holding the whole apparatus to the kid's –to Matt's- face… some strange nosepiece. What…the…hell are those?! he thought, trying to paste a smile onto his obviously weirded-out face.
The next boy (was he really a guy? He sure looked like a girl…) freaked Raito out even more than the first. He had longish, blonde hair, blue eyes, and the clothes…the clothes… Raito's Banana Republic mind couldn't handle the clothes. Too much leather… he thought, trying not to gag. "I'm Mello." he/she said, giving a short and not-too-polite bow.
The third kid was just as weird, though in a strangely different way. Dressed completely in white, with white hair…He's like a sheep. An emo sheep. "Watashi wa Near desu."
L saw the growing panic in Raito's eyes and decided to suddenly pull him out of there. "Well, I've got to show Light around I'll see you guys later bye."
And they were gone.
"…"
"What…the…HELL?!"
--
Mello needed chocolate.
It'd been about an hour after L had ran off, leaving them confused and wondering about the level of sanity of this "Light" dude, and he'd discovered that once again, he was flat out of chocolate.
This called for a chocolate raid.
So he recruited Matt, who had sighed and put down his Wii-mote, mumbling curses under his breath.
Now they were at L's door, ready to play the part of "poor, sick orphans," and Mello knocked.
There was a moment before the door opened, and staring them right in the faces was Light.
There was a silence.
"What the hell are you doing here?!" Mello and Light chorused, leaving a bemused Matt to giggle.
"No, what are YOU doing here?!" they said, again overlapping each other exactly.
And L stuck his head around the door. "Oh, Mello. What is it?"
Light looked from the two back to L, then shrugged and went back into L's rooms.
"I need chocolate. Or else I may…die." explained the blonde, completely over-reacting and falling in a fake swoon, from which he looked up at L pleadingly.
"Oh dear. Give me a minute." L turned around, and went back to get something from a box…
And Matt's nose suddenly exploded.
L was wearing only a towel. Yes, you heard me right, a single Turkish cotton towel. Nice and fluffy, but the important thing is that was the only thing that L, the best, most brilliant detective in the world, was wearing.
Mello's nose saw how much fun Matt's was having, and decided to join in.
When L turned around, there were two drooling teenagers staring at him with blood trickling down their faces. "Oh dear," he said, taking a step.
The towel slipped.
"OH, CRAP."
--
Matt and Mello fell down the stairs, knocking down several unfortunate kids in their way, until they skidded to a halt at the bottom, blowing Near's legs out from under him. "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!"
Mello stood up, dusted himself off, and looked down at Matt, who was entangled with Near's limbs and the jump rope he'd been so conveniently playing with.
Near's face turned a light pink.
"Near? Y'okay?"
A trickle of blood ran down Near's face only to pool in his collar.
"Oh, great." sighed Matt, helping the sheep up.
--
"Mello, why do you insist on using tampons for curing nosebleeds?" asked Near, screwing up his face in an effort to loosen his nostrils, which were again corked by tampons borrowed from Lost and her roommate.
"Have you ever seen them in water?"
"…No, I can't say I have."
Mello took one of them and slung it in the sink. "Check it."
Near's eyes grew to epic proportions. "That's amazing."
"Tell me about it."
--
"Mello?" whispered Matt, nudging the chocoholic in the side.
"Hmnn?" he replied, annoyed.
"Did you…see it?"
"…Yeah."
"…"
"Hardcore, huh?"
"Shut up, Matt."
"Y'know…"
"…Is it about L?"
"No."
"Keep going, then."
"I really don't like that 'Light' guy."
"…Neither do I."
"Should we…?"
"Shells yes."
--
Raito stretched languidly in his computer chair, almost like a cat, and looked over at L. The detective was hard at work, as always. With a spoon filled with whipped cream in hand, he typed quickly into the laptop, intermittently licking the sweet stuff off of the spoon.
Raito grinned. He'd be licking whipped cream off of something else soon enough.
--
Mello and Matt, accompanied by Near, who was only willing to go because it was Raito they were up against, crept slowly into L's bedroom from his bathroom. Mello had climbed up the tree that grew right next to Wammy's, found the window that led to the bathroom, then helped Matt and Near up. Matt had sprung the lock with some gizmo that he'd found, and they'd all none-too-gracefully fell into the bathroom with three soft thumps.
Mello found Raito's suitcase lying on the floor, closed. "Matt," he whispered. "Can you open that?"
"Shells yeah!" whispered back the gamer, who was already hard at work flicking the dials of the lock back and forth.
Near fidgeted nervously. "What if we get caught?"
"We won't." was the staunch answer.
"…Okay…"
Matt opened the suitcase triumphantly, then beckoned for Mello to hand him something-a sack. They shoveled all of Raito's clothes, even the underwear and socks, out of the suitcase and deposited everything into it. Near went back into the bathroom and came out, dragging another sack filled with Lost's frilliest dresses, some of Beyond Birthday's old jam-stained boxers, an assortment of Matt's shirts that had been burned and now smelled faintly of nicotine and explosives, and Mello's stash of maternity wear.
To be specific, maternity leather.
They also took all but one set of L's clothes, which they put in the now-empty sack and schlepped out of the detective's room, into the bathroom, out the window, down the tree, and into the basement.
Stage one of torturing Raito Yagami was complete.
--
The next morning, Raito woke up after a rather disturbing dream involving muffins, Sherlock Holmes, opium, and mad hordes of fangirls chasing some random person. "Gya! Ry-Ryuzaki!"
"…gnnnnmghn."
Raito lay back on his pillows, who poofed in response to his heaviness.
Just a dream. Okay. Dream.
L sat up on the other side of the bed, stretched wearily, then pulled the chain tight between them and forced Raito over to the closet. "Hm," he said, regarding the single shirt and pair of pants hanging sullenly in front of him, "Must have been laundry day. Wow."
Raito, meanwhile, had opened his suitcase and nearly fell over in shock. OH MY EFFING FANGIRL-SQUISHING GAWD. WHAT HAPPENED HERE?!
His Banana Republic style had been vanquished. What was left were dresses, dirty shirts, dirtier jam-y boxers, and…maternity leather.
Raito kneeled on the floor and screamed bloody murder at the ceiling.
--
Down in the dining room, Matt, Mello, and Near smiled widely as they heard Raito's pained cry echo through the building.
"Point for us."
--
They were just going down the hallway to their room when they heard footsteps. "Hide!" whispered Mello, and the trio scooted across the hall to conceal themselves in a dark corner.
They nearly laughed their guts out.
Raito stalked down the hall, wearing a pair of Lost's frilly pantaloons, a leather maternity dress that made him look like some sort of overgrown showgirl, a pair of Beyond's boxers (that could clearly be seen through the pantaloons) and a thoroughly annoyed look on his face. Almost murderous.
L, trailing behind him, was about a millisecond away from laughing his face off.
Near couldn't stand the tension, and so pushed Optimus Prime right in front of Raito's foot.
It was just the work of a moment, a single step…
"WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!" screamed L, falling over to join Raito on the floor, tears of laughter pouring from his eyes.
Watari, running in to see what the matter was, saw L and immediately got a nosebleed.
There was a silence before L's crazed laughing resumed.
--
OHHHHHHHH YES.
The maternity leather idea was taken from Hyura (on DeviantArt)'s doujinshi called Family Plan. Hilarious chibi MattxMello. Check it out.
This was really, really, really fun to write, so fun, in fact, that I think I might just abandon the Mello-torturing and make it now Raito-torturing.
But no. This will offend many reviewers. So I shall divvy out the horrors to mostly everyone. Yes, L will have some tortureage too. Mwahaha.
"Watashi wa Near desu" means "I'm Near." At least I think it does, but I'm probably wrong. I can read most katakana/hiragana, but I can't speak Japanese.
My sister just asked if L sleeps.
…
Thanks so much to all you reviewers, all the readers, all the people who randomly clicked on this fic and liked it. Pocky to you all.
Plot bunny overdose, though. Whoooooeee. Thanks for the thousands and thousands of ideas granted…
Hugs, Mello plushies, and small cats,
-blake-daisukeismyboyfriend-黒川-black river-