How To Torture Mello 7.
Jeez, seven chapters already. Aren't you guys getting sick of this? No?
Well, I got more reviews mentioning tampons and emus than I ever hope to get in my life. SWEETNESS, I tell you. And the plot bunnies used in this chapter leaped out hungry for brains and…stuff. So I gave them some Pocky and they agreed to help me write this chapter. Again, SWEETNESS. Or as Raito says, "Shweetness."
My little sister doesn't like L. Sacrilege.
--
Raito never found his clothes, and forced L to go into town with him to buy a new set of Banana Republic suits, much to the reclusive detective's disdain.
Mello and Matt were disgusted by his choices.
Near didn't care.
--
A few days later, the dreadful duo was laying on their beds, staring at the ceiling which had now become home to an impressive array of electronic equipment. "…Wow." said Mello, staring at the ceiling, awed. "I guess they really think we're Public Enemy Numero Uno."
"Heyyyy…Mello?" drawled Matt, flipping over and regarding his roommate.
"What."
"Do you want to scar Near for life?"
"…" Mello had to think about this for all of, say, five seconds. "SHELLS YES."
But this was a plan that had to be thought out, so instead of doing it right then, Matt found a broom closet. "Hey…Mello?" he asked, blushing somewhat under his orange glasses.
"What."
"Ya wanna make out?"
"Sure. Why not?"
So they did.
Yes, really. They're very spontaneous people, you know.
They got a bit more intense than just kissing after a few seconds, and soon Mello was nipping up and down Matt's neck. The small closet began getting very…um, heated, in other words. ( AN: Lemon-writers can write a better scene here, but I am not a lemon-writer. Read on.)
Just as Mello (seme…) was gradually sliding his hand up Matt's shirt, there was a sudden burst of light, a scream, and a very red Lost was standing in the doorway. Red, of course, because she was blushing, and also because a waterfall of blood was pouring down her face, ruining the goth-loli dress she was wearing. "WHAT THE HELL?!" she screeched, trying not to stare. "I understand you guys have something between you, but can you NOT make out in my closet?!"
"…This is your closet?" said Matt, fixing his crooked goggles.
"YES!!"
"…Oh." replied Mello, re-zipping his leather vest and poking his crucifix back under it.
--
And after that episode (and watching Lost stick tampons up her nose, which made them happy) they finally figured out just how to get Near in the perfect position for lifetime scarring.
It involved a closet, a pedophilic Raito, and a lot of evil giggling coming from their room, which gave Roger nightmares for the next few days.
--
The alarm clock next to Near's bed read four in the morning as two shadows ghosted over the carpet and picked the sheep up. "Geez! He doesn't weigh much, does he?" asked Matt, who was lugging Near's legs.
"Yeah. Small bugger." replied Mello, pulling a black ski mask over his face before hoicking up the small boy.
They carted him up to L's rooms, where Matt picked the lock, then they ran (still carrying Near) over to Raito's closet (which had a lock on it). Matt sighed, fished out his kit, and picked the lock on that, too.
Finally, they stripped Near (Matt didn't watch, for fear of his nose bleeding all over the floor) and stuck him into the closet, making sure to lock the door after him.
Mission complete.
"Now all we have to wait for in the morning is the scream of anguish," said Mello, cackling.
"From who? Near or Raito?"
"Probably Near," pondered the blonde. "Raito's very pedophile-like."
"Fo sho."
--
They were right.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" yelled Near, desperately trying to cover up his nether regions as Raito opened the door.
"What am I going to we- GAH! L, why is there a naked orphan in my closet, this is really we- ooh, he's cute." supposed/yelled/said Raito, twisting his face in a very interesting variety of motions.
Near stood there, frozen in absolute fear, as Raito reached in. "RAPE!!" he yelled, then with a mighty SWOOSH sound, leapt and grabbed a pair of Raito's pants from a hanger, and ran out of the room.
Raito watched him go with a glazed look on his face. "…Aw man…"
--
"WHAT THE HELL?!"
"Did you just see…"
"…Nekkid Near? Streaking?!"
"Wooooooo…I'd have paid for that…"
"You perv."
--
Near had nightmares for three weeks after that.
--
The next day, Matt and Mello were called up to L's rooms by an evil-looking Roger, who cackled in glee as they marched up the stairs to their veritable doom.
"…If I die, you can have my secret stash of chocolate."
"If I die, you can have my PS 3. And my DS."
"Deal."
They walked in, smack into a very strange scene.
Raito was nowhere in sight, and L was standing over behind a dresser. "Come in." said the detective, who then walked out from behind the dresser…
And the two boy's noses exploded. L was only wearing a pair of silky black boxers with little "L"s on them. And it took the most self-control that either boy had not to jump him.
"Oh, sorry. Let me put some pants on."
And he did, along with his customary white T-shirt.
The boys had calmed down by now, so they wiped all the blood off their faces and sat in their indicated seats.
"Now," L began, looking very serious, "I understand that Near was put into Raito's closet, naked. And this is a very, very, VERY bad thing to do."
"How do you know it was us?" asked Mello brashly.
L held up a single chocolate bar wrapper.
"…oh…"
"I've thought of a suitable punishment, but I don't think you'll like it."
"…It's a punishment. We're not supposed to like it."
"…Right. Well, in any case…"
"Didn't you and Beyond do stuff like this too?!"
"…" L suddenly turned pink, then red, then his nose began dripping blood.
"…Holy crap. I just made L get a nosebleed."
"Boys, please go down to Roger's office…" whispered L, sneaking a glance down at his crotch.
"…Okay…"
--
Later that night, Raito couldn't understand why L was muttering random words that definitely had no business being spoken outside of a bedroom. "…uke…flattop…the clamps…jam…"
He also couldn't understand why, when he mentioned the handcuffs, L turned a furious red and refused to speak.
--
Matt and Mello were proud of their accomplishment.
"Hey, you know what? We made L get a nosebleed."
"How?!"
"We mentioned Beyond. Beyond Birthday, y'know? The old B."
"Yeah! Him? Wow…"
--
L had never been more embarrassed in his life.
Now every child in the orphanage knew his one weakness- Beyond- and were trying to exploit him, trying to get him to have a NOSEBLEED.
L did NOT get nosebleeds, as a rule.
Yet Mello and Matt had seen him spurt blood out of his nose, and MAN it was getting annoying to have every single kid in this goddamn Wammy's House yelling "Beyond" or "B" or even (yup, this did it for him) "Los Angeles BB Murder Cases".
L was mad.
And bad things happen when L gets mad.
--
Mello and Matt were in the middle of teaching Near an anti-rape song when Lost burst in the room.
"Hey, guys. Whatcha doin'?"
"Check this out," said Matt, pushing his goggles onto his forehead. "Ready, Near?"
The sheep nodded, and together they chanted "Eep! Don't touch me there! This is my personal square. R-A-P-E, get your hands away from me!"
Lost was speechless.
"Awesome, huh?"
"Boys are so weird," she muttered, turning around. "Even the cute ones."
--
The next morning, Raito was given a plate of scrambled eggs made by one of the orphans- Matt, he thought, thanking him- that was in the shape of the L insignia. "That was nice of him," he said out loud, to no one in particular.
L grunted.
"What's up with you?" asked Raito, taking a bite of the eggs.
L didn't say anything.
Raito suddenly sputtered, clutched his throat, and reached frantically for his water. "GAHH! SPICY!!"
--
"Owned," said Matt triumphantly, hiding under a table with Mello.
"So what did you put in there again?" asked the blonde, crunching a bar of chocolate as he spoke.
"Wasabi, habanero peppers, um, some hot sauce I found in the pantry, hot curry powder, powdered mustard…uh…some other stuff I can't remember…and ketchup."
"You're made of win, man."
They celebrated with a little make-out session, but seeing as they were under a table and every single orphan not at that table was obviously trying not to stare at them, it didn't last very long.
"You taste like…Tabasco." muttered Mello, wiping his lips.
"I know."
--
Again, thanks sooooooooo much for your awesome reviews! You're all so amazing…
The last part of this chapter was so much fun to write. The R-A-P-E song is awesome, my friends and I randomly sing it at school and people stare at us. We don't really care.
I just had a brainwave/big thought- has anyone written a MelloHalle fic? It's a pretty plausible pairing, actually. And if you don't like shounen-ai, it's one of the only Mello pairings.
Enough babbling about me, your plot bunnies are fueling my creativity, and I'd like to add some more characters outside of Wammy's House (can you imagine Matsuda?! OHHH MAN!) and torture them, too. Maybe just Misa, since she can't stay away from Raito for too long.
Oh yeah, in case anyone doesn't know, Raito equals Light. (for some reason, the equals sign doesn't show up.)
Written while listening exhaustively to We Looked Like Giants and 405 (not the acoustic version, wows.)
MAHNAMEISBOBREVIEWREVIEWREVIEWPOCKYPOCKYTABLETSWOOOOOOHOOOOOSONG2YOURMOMMA!BURN!!
黒川