How To Torture Mello 9.
I promised nekkid Mello, didn't I? And I mustn't go back on my word.
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In this chapter: Towel molestation, yes, a nekkid Mello, frankenfish, Near shaking his booty, cracky Misa Raito-molestation, and L's tub in all of it's jam-filled glory.
Enjoy.
(These chapters always seem to start with a "Character woke up…" don't they?!)
--
Near woke up.
Today was a day that he'd been looking forward to for a few weeks.
Today was L's Unbirthday.
Of course, the sheep knew that usually people didn't celebrate unbirthdays, since they were every single day of the year except your birth date, but L was special.
So Near got up, got dressed, and dragged one of Linda's old brushes through his hair impatiently. Yes, you read that right. Near was impatient.
And he was just about to go out of the door, Optimus Prime in hand, when Mello and Matt barged through and knocked him flat onto the bed. Like a pancake, thought Near in a rare display of randomness.
"So, Near," said the blonde, who was busily opening a brand new bar of chocolate, which the sheep knew would be ripped to pieces and digested in a matter of seconds. "We're gonna pull a huge prank on Raito."
Near looked up at this. "Just Raito?"
"…" the pair shared a sideways glance, then Mello rolled his eyes and replied, "Yeah. Just Raito. Whatever."
Near didn't believe him, but it was safer for the sheep's sanity if he went along with the plan.
--
"RaitoraitoRaitoRaitoRaitoooooooooooooooooooooo!!" screamed one very excited teen model as she pounced on her "boyfriend." It was Misa, if you hadn't figured it out by that single sentence, and the poor pounce-ee was Raito, who was busy trying to type some Kira-related data into his laptop. "Misa-Misa wants to go see the orphans again! They were so kawaii!! RAIIIITOOOOOOOO!!"
This impressive display of exclamation points was met by a single "Hnnn."
"YOU'RE NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO ME, RAITOOOO!!"
"Oh, sorry," replied the brunette, not lifting his eyes from the screen.
--
"What's for breakfast?" asked Matt, poking Near as he walked.
"Ow. Frankenfish. Stop poking me!" replied the sheep.
Matt stopped. "…Frankenfish?!"
"Yes. Frankenfish. Don't ask me anything about it, I don't know. Come on."
"…Frankenfish…?"
--
Meanwhile, Mello was busy taking a shower.
In the girl's bathroom, unfortunately.
He stepped out of the stall, shook his hair out luxuriously, then grabbed his fluffy white towel off of the rack beside him and dried himself off. "Nice," he muttered, wrapping it around his waist…
…and stepping out into a gaggle of goggle-eyed girls.
There was a long silence as everyone mentally raped Mello.
"GAHHHHHHHHH! TOWEL MOLESTATION!!" he yelled as he scurried out, leaving one important thing behind…
…the molested towel.
--
"Frankenfish. So this is what it looks like?" asked Matt, and Near was about to answer when a soggy tan-blonde streak ran over and cowered behind the redhead. "What's up, Mel- OH!!" said/yelled Matt as his brain finally registered the fact that his best friend was 1. Naked, and 2. standing right in front of him. Naked.
His nose exploded in a spurt that would have made an artillery captain proud. "HOLY CRAPOLAS, MELLO! PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!!" he yelled, running faster than he'd ever ran in his life to go find a tissue and a very cold shower.
Mello grabbed Near and used him as a pair of human pants. "What the HELL, Mello! I'm not your pants! Get away from me! You're really acting stupid!"
--
A while later, Matt had successfully calmed down his raging hormones, Mello had found some clothes, Near had tried to erase the scarring memories of being pants from his mind, and they'd congregated in Mello and Matt's room to put the finishing touches on their plan. "Alright. Near, Raito's your department. I've got L, and Matt does the mystery lady- Misa. Got it?"
"Kinda."
"Better than nothin'."
--
L had had a long day.
First of all, he was angry at whatever horrid force had made his stash of cake, candy, donuts, fruit kabobs, and other oh-so-sugary treats disappear into thin air. He was so desperate, he'd have broken into Mello's stash even though he knew that Mello had a BB gun hidden somewhere in his room. Plus, it was his unbirthday, and he was pretty sure tat most of his orphans had completely forgotten.
The detective sighed, massaging the dark bags under his eyes as he thought. A bath, he reasoned, is the best way to unwind. Definitely.
So, with that conclusion in mind, he moseyed over to the bathroom, plugged the tub, turned the water on, and went to go get his duck. A thought struck him at that… why not get Raito as well? And with that in mind, he padded out of the room, forgetting about the waiting tub.
Mello peeped out from behind a convenient curtain.
Satisfied that L wasn't in the room, he crept over to the tub, turned the water off, unplugged the drain, and reached behind the toilet for something.
It was a huge bucket of jam, strawberry jam to be specific, with a lid on the top to keep it from being detected by ants, flies, and people. He opened the lid, hoicked it over to the tub, and poured the entire gooey, red mess into it.
There was a wonderful "GLOPP" noise.
--
Meanwhile, Matt was busy messing around with Misa's stuff. She and Raito were out on a date, so the redhead was free to mess around as he pleased.
He pushed his goggles up to his forehead, gritting his teeth in consternation as he picked an especially annoying lock. And after a few minutes of tense concentration, it hung loose, and he pulled Misa's closet doors open.
Showtime, he thought, fingering the pair of scissors and the three cans of bright green spray paint in his pockets.
Oh no, he wasn't destroying anything. The closet was just a decoy. He rearranged some of the dresses and shirts, then took out a spray can and sprayed the inside of the doors with a crown symbol.
Then he turned his attention to the real task at hand- the bed.
Matt grinned an evil grin.
--
Again, meanwhile, Near skittered inside Raito's room, looked around cautiously to make absolutely sure that there was no evil Kira-esque brunette in sight, and sat down on the floor with a sigh.
He had no idea what he was going to do.
So after thinking for a few moments, he noticed Raito's slippers lying innocently underneath his bed.
An idea began to form in Near's agile mind.
--
Matt sprayed the finishing touches on the bed, then went into the bathroom, grabbed the bowl that he'd left on the sill, and mixed up some pudding (he brought that too) quickly.
Job done, he took the bowl over to the door, stood on a chair, and propped the bowl lightly on the edge. It'd only take a soft push for it to come crashing down on someone…
…He grinned before ducking out of the window.
--
They met up in Mello's room, chuckling quietly to themselves, until Raito's voice filtered into their earphones.
"Ah…" he said, along with a rustle –he'd sat down in his bed. "I'm pooped."
"As am I…I'm glad you showed me that footage," replied L with a sigh. "I'd better go run a bath…"
There was a silence.
"AAAAAIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!" screamed L's voice. "THERE'S JAM IN THE TUB!!"
--
Raito was up and running towards L when he realized that the detective had turned and was shooting him a glare that would have murdered lesser folk. "W-what?!"
"You did this, didn't you."
"Wha-?!" replied the brunette, utterly flabbergasted.
"You're obviously trying to get me to have a shower with you! For the last time, Raito, I do not like you in that way! Please quit your clumsy advances and STAY WITH MISA!"
Raito began to cry. "It wasn't me! I swear on my dad! It wasn't me!"
L froze mid-yell. "Oh…I'm sorry. Please stop crying…I'm sorry…" And with that, he leaned down, scooped some jam off of the tub and onto his finger. "Have some jam?"
Raito looked down at the proffered clump of confection sitting proudly on top of L's slender finger. "O-okay…" he said, licking it.
--
Misa walked into the hallway outside her room happily, totally unaware of the yaoi-fangirl-pleasing scene in the adjacent room, twirled around for no apparent reason, and opened the door.
SPLOT.
"GYAAAHHH!!" she yelled, clawing at the pudding that had now nestled itself all over her clothes, her hair, and her face. "AHHH! RAITO!!"
She managed to get most of the pudding off of her face using a convenient dishrag she found on the floor, and found her way to the bathroom.
After taking a shower, she wrapped her towel around herself and plodded wetly towards the closet. "Ah, clot-" she said, and stopped suddenly, suppressing a scream.
Her carefully organized closet was messed up. Completely ruined, in other words. And some hooligan had graffittied a crown on the inside of the door! In green!
Misa searched frantically for a miniskirt and shirt, which were luckily still there. As far as she could tell, all the clothes were still there.
She relaxed a little, and sunk down onto the bed.
Big mistake.
Instantly, a hydraulic engine underneath the mattress fired, sending it about three feet into the air with Misa on it.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"
--
Matt, Mello, and Near were busy laughing their butts off.
"Matt, I'm still wondering how you got that engine."
"…I have my ways."
--
Raito finally cleaned up the last of the jam, and was about to go over to Misa's room when he noticed that he'd lost track of his slippers.
He checked in his closet, under his suitcase, and nearly slapped himself in the forehead when he saw them sitting proudly under his bed.
He slipped them on, stood up…
…and his left foot shot out behind him, effectively squelching any notions of standing up from Raito's mind as he fell, smacking his face on the floor. "OW!" he yelled, kneeling and rubbing his face.
He decided to try again, and stood up.
This time his feet both decided to rebel against him, and flew in opposite directions, making Raito do a sort of pained half-split before falling over onto his side. "YEOWCH!"
He sat up, rubbing his head, and inspected the bottoms of his slippers. Some kid had superglued Matchbox cars to the bottom of them.
Raito began to growl.
--
The next morning, three very jovial orphans proudly swaggered over to their table, plates of food in hand. "We pwned them," said Matt, trying to do his "Victory Over Boss" dance with a piece of toast in his mouth and a jiggling pile of scrambled eggs in his hand.
As they sat down, the entire room became dead silent. "Crap!" muttered Mello through a mouthful of bagel, pulling down his two compadres to cower beneath the table.
"Good morning," they heard L say. He sounded a lot more tired than usual, and they knew exactly why. "Last night, someone pulled a series of pranks on my friends and I. I am very disappointed in you all, for letting someone get away with this. So…for the next three weeks…everyone has only half an hour of free play."
There was total uproar at this statement.
Mello, Matt, and Near looked at each other, nodded sagely, and crawled out of the cavernous room.
--
That night, Raito opened the door to his room, walked into the bathroom, took a shower, and began to do his hair…
…that is, until he noticed the bright purple graffiti on the wall behind him.
"What the…" he wondered, and then bothered to read it. "Your problems are caused by too much…malaka?!"
--
L read the graffiti later that night. "Malaka…" he muttered, trying to place it.
And suddenly his face went red. "…Beyond…"
Raito couldn't get another word out of him that night. L's lips were sealed, and if he heard another mention of Beyond Birthday he'd flood Wammy's house with his nosebleed.
Later that night, Raito found the book again.
"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!"
--
After a five-hour long impromptu techno rave session involving Near doing the Caramelldansen three times in a row (shaking his hips like Shakira in the process, I might add), Mello was pooped. He lay down on his bed, stared at the ceiling, and was almost asleep when he felt a very, very, bad premonition.
"Oh, gawd."
--
Alrighty then!
For all of you who wanted Raito to have the notebook back, well, here ya go! I've got a good idea in mind…and Mello's going to be hopping mad…
Jam in the tub. I want a tub full of jam…and Near as my pants. Lolz.
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