Coming to Good Terms

Celes blinked. And blinked some more. And then blinked even more. They had to be wrong. She couldn't be . . . no. They were wrong. It was a trick. That was all it was. A trick meant to confuse her and let her guard down so they could hurt her again.

"Say something," Toby quietly said, giving her a worried look as he sat beside her.

She shrugged in response. "Nothing to say." She wouldn't fall for their tricks. Not again.

"Celes—"

"No, Toby," she replied firmly, her arms protectively wrapped around her midsection. She wasn't pregnant. They were wrong. It was a false reading or something. It wasn't true. It couldn't be.

"I know that it hurts—"

She scoffed, shaking her head angrily. Oh, he knew that it hurt, did he? How wonderful. He finally learned compassion. She ran a hand through her hair and clenched her teeth. They were idiots. All of them. Idiots trying to hurt her, but she wouldn't let them win this time. She was smarter, stronger now. She'd show them. She would.

When she felt his hand latch onto her chin and force her to look at him, she yelped in surprise. However, her eyes immediately narrowed in pure rage. How dare he touch her! Filthy Half—

"Half-blood?" he finished quietly, clearly hearing her private thoughts.

"Don't do that," she snapped, glaring at him.

"Why not? It's the only way to make you really talk anymore."

"It's private!" She hated seeing how much calmer he was than her. It only made her angrier and want to hurt him even more. It wasn't fair. He could just switch on his stupid Occlumency barriers and protect himself, while she drowned in her emotions in the meantime.

"You used to like it when I listened to your thoughts, hear you drone on about your latest—"

"Yeah, well, not anymore." She heard his clipped sigh and envisioned her punching him.

"We need to talk about this," he said a moment later.

"Nothing to talk about," she hissed through clenched teeth.

"Celes, you're pregnant. You can deny it all you want, but the fact remains that you have a human being growing inside you."

She slammed her fists down onto the cot before turning towards him once more. "No! No." She punched the mattress repeatedly as hard as she could as she screamed loudly. After screaming out all her frustration, she found herself panting heavily while she came down from her tantrum. "I'll just kill it somehow anyway just like the others. So, why should I even think about it? Even care about it? It'll just hurt even more when we lose it again."

"We won't lose the baby this time," he replied, grabbing her hand in his.

"You don't know that," she shot back, yanking her hands back.

"Neither do you."

They stared at one another for a long while then, locked in a battle of who would back down first. Neither one budged of course. So time slipped away.

"I know you're scared. I'm scared as well," he quietly admitted later. "But we can do this. Together. One day at a time. Please. All I'm asking for is the chance to show you that I'm right."

"I can't," she responded shakily. "I don't think I can do this."

"Yes, you can." He brushed aside a few of her tears. "I'll be right here beside you, holding your hand just like this. And when you feel like you can't again, I'll give you every bit of strength I have."

"What if . . ." her voice trailed off.

"It won't," he stated firmly. "Because we'll do everything possible to make sure that doesn't happen. It'll be better this time. Trust me." He stood up and silently slipped in beside her on the cot. His arms quickly wrapped around her as he held her, rubbing her back when she buried her face into his robes. "We'll take all this one day at a time, nice and slow."

"I'm scared."

"I know. Everything's going to be all right, though." He then kissed the top of her head softly and pulled her even closer to him. "I won't let anything hurt you ever again. I promise."

She closed her eyes at the sound of his steady heartbeat against her ear. She hoped he was right.

~Rising~

Several hours later, Toby silently extricated himself from her embrace as she slept. He kissed her forehead with a faint smile on his lips. She looked better now. At least in his opinion, but he guessed that was likely because he wanted her to look better. Turning slowly, he walked to the door and slipped out of the room. He knew that he'd be back soon, so he left her door slightly ajar.

He had just made it across the main area of the hospital wing when he noticed the figure leaning against the nearby windowsill. He frowned but slowly turned and headed towards the person. When he caught the dull green eyes, he inclined his head to acknowledge the young man.

"Is she going to be all right?"

"Eventually," Toby replied quietly, his hands moving to his jean pockets as he stood awkwardly.

"Good." The young man then yawned before he shook his head to clear his mind. "Sorry."

"Don't apologize for being tired, Potter. I'd imagine everyone is of late." He watched Harry nod slowly before the young man glanced back out the window. "What are you doing here anyway?"

"I heard about Celes." Harry shrugged. "Thought maybe you'd like someone to talk to."

Toby gave a half-snort and shook his head. "Or rather you'd like to talk to me and knew I'd be here." He leaned against the wall with crossed arms. "So, talk."

"Here?"

"Yes. I'm not planning on wandering too far away in case Celes needs me," he explained quietly. He watched the young man nod a moment later, causing him to erect a privacy ward around them to keep out eavesdroppers.

"All right." Harry slowly sat down on one of the nearby cots, watching Toby follow suit. "I realize that some things I ask you can't answer, but I've been wondering a few things." He ran a hand through his hair, messing it up soon after. "First being the hardest for you, I guess." His green eyes darted back to Toby's. "How are you alive? I mean, when we left, you were . . . You didn't move anymore, so we assumed you were, you know, dead."

Toby sighed, pressing his lips tightly together as he thought for a moment on his wording. "As I'm certain you likely realized by now, I lost an extreme amount of blood from my wounds. That resulted in me temporarily losing consciousness, which is what you likely witnessed before leaving." He frowned. He hadn't really thought on these details in several months. "The venom from the bite slowed my bodily functions to next to nothing, so I'd imagine my heartbeat had slowed enough to make it seem as if it wasn't beating." He rubbed his jaw for a moment. "I'm not certain on all the details because there were things even I wasn't allowed to know, but it would seem that the headmaster learned of my being gravely wounded in the Shrieking Shack. He healed me somehow, likely with Fawkes I would imagine."

"Oh." Harry nodded again. "What about Dumbledore?"

"Professor Dumbledore," Toby corrected habitually, "is alive because I did not intend to kill him that night on the Astronomy Tower."

"I don't understand. I saw the blinding green light. I heard you say it."

"Correct. You heard me say it and saw a blinding green light. However, I did not cast the Killing Curse, Harry." He caught the young man's eyes narrow in confusion instantly. "I used another spell that has similar properties to the Killing Curse and used a color-changing spell to make it green. In essence, I suppose you could say that I killed the headmaster's cursed hand."

"Whoa! A person can cast two nonverbal spells at once?"

He snorted, giving a faint smile. One would wonder if Hogwarts ever taught their students anything useful judging by Harry's reaction. "Yes. However, it requires a great deal more focus and magic. It had to be believable after all."

"Right because we needed Voldemort to trust you fully so he'd give you Hogwarts. Then, you could protect the students and keep an eye on other important stuff, while I searched for Horcruxes."

"Correct."

"But why didn't he just tell me it was all an act? Or you tell me that?"

"You shared a direct link with the Dark Lord, Potter. Why do you think we didn't tell you?"

"Yeah, I guess, but I wanted to kill you last year for 'killing' Professor Dumbledore."

"I can imagine," Toby replied with a shrug.

"Did Professor Sinistra know? About all of this, I mean?"

"No."

"She didn't know that you didn't really kill Dumbledore?"

"I believe I just said that, Potter."

"Did she know you were a good guy at least?"

Toby snorted. "What do you think?"

"Honestly, sir? I don't know what to think anymore," Harry replied quietly.

"In the years I've known her, I've never had to tell her where my loyalties lie. She's never asked of course, but she's always supported me. She's a bit like your mother in a way, I suppose. Always seeing the good in people when sometimes there is none to see." He watched Harry nod slowly.

"You loved my mother, didn't you?"

He sighed. Of course Harry would ask that. "I believe you know that answer."

"Yeah, but things don't match up with what I saw in your memories, though."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you and Professor Sinistra are married. Yet, that day in Professor Dumbledore's office you cast my mother's Patronus—just like that time in the Forest of Dean—and said 'Always' like you will always love my mother. Wouldn't Professor Sinistra get ticked with you for that?"

"Perhaps sometimes she is, but no one ever said that you can't love two people."

"But every time you cast it, you pretty much tell her that you love my mother more."

"No." Toby shook his head. "Your mother was a very important person in my life, and I do love her very much, but I love Aurora more. In fact, if you looked very closely at my Patronus, you would see that it is gradually losing its doe shape."

"It's changing?"

"Yes. Gradually."

"But when Tonks realized she was in love with Remus, it was—"

He grimaced instantly and held a hand up to cut Harry off. "I'm aware. However, she is younger than I am. Thirteen years younger than I am. So, it's much easier to change when you're not so set in your ways."

"Oh."

"Indeed."

"S—Toby?"

He sighed. "Yes?"

"Thank you for keeping me alive all these years and protecting me. I mean, I still don't really get why you acted the way you did, hating me and all, but I do appreciate everything you did and sacrificed so I'd be safe." The young man sighed. "And I know it doesn't really mean much coming from me since I'm not my mum, but I—well, I think—what I mean to say is that I think you can stop punishing yourself now." His green eyes reluctantly met Toby's. "You couldn't have known what happened. I mean, you maybe had an idea, but, well, you made a mistake. A really horrible one, but a mistake nonetheless. We all made mistakes at some point." Harry gave a soft snort as something crossed his mind. "I mean, hell, look at Malfoy. He chose his family over Hermione, and look where that got him."

"I'd imagine that Malfoy would state that he's made worse mistakes than that one."

"Yeah, maybe, but he really is trying to make it up to her and all now," Harry said with a shrug. "Saw him actually stand in front of the tower with flowers the other day, waiting for her."

Toby snorted. That wasn't half-bad of an idea. His mind then wandered over to the other day in the courtyard seeing Granger with Celes.

"How is Weasley taking all of this?"

"Badly." Harry sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Professor McGonagall and his mum decided that he should be at the Burrow for a bit to take some time for himself. He thinks it's all a conspiracy meant to break him and Hermione up, though." Harry frowned. "Thing is it sounds like they're pretty much finished anyway. She's had the letter written for months now. She just can't find it in her to give to him. I don't blame her. Ron sometimes is, well, a git."

"He left you and Miss Granger when you were on your journey once, didn't he?" Toby recalled Phineas Nigellus relaying that to him once.

"Yeah." Harry scoffed, shaking his head. "I don't know if it was that he realized I didn't know what I was doing or if it was because of the Horcrux affecting him, but we all saw a side of him that wasn't pretty. Of each other, too, for that matter."

"Did he hit her, then?"

"No. Not then. He got rather nasty with her, though, before he left. It was up there in your range of insults actually. He was convinced that I liked Hermione, which I don't. Not like that. But, no, he didn't hit her. Not until this summer I guess. I don't know. We're all so damaged, you know? It was like something in us broke, and we haven't been able to put back the pieces yet."

Toby nodded slowly. "A feeling to which I can relate with," he quietly stated.

"Yeah?" Harry then sighed. "You said you hit her once, but that you love her?"

"I do."

"Then, why'd you do it?"

He shrugged slightly. "Because I didn't know how to handle myself, handle all the anger I felt. So I lost control for a split-second and slapped her. If I had just taken a step back, taken a deep breath to calm myself, it wouldn't have happened."

"Did she forgive you?"

"She did. It's one of her more annoying habits, letting me off the hook constantly." Toby smiled faintly. "She frequently complains that I flog myself over the littlest things, that I act like I think I deserve every horrible thing that comes my way."

"Is she right?"

"Probably," Toby replied with a soft laugh before sighing as his mood darkened slightly. "You saw some of my memories, likely inferred other parts, so you can understand why I would. I'm used to having people leave me. In fact, Aurora is the one person who has stayed the longest in my life."

"What about your parents?"

He winced as he recalled that he hadn't contacted his dad yet. "Our contact is rather subdued for the most part. I try to ensure that they know I'm alive and that I know they are, but we stick to our own worlds for the most part." It's better that way, Toby thought silently. Merlin help him if his mother or his father came to Hogwarts anytime soon. The castle would crumble after a visit from them.

"I'm a bit like that. Hermione's been with me through everything. Her and Ron."

"Ever since the troll incident, I recall." He caught Harry's soft laugh.

"Yeah. I was convinced that you were trying to steal the stone that year."

"You were convinced every year that I was trying to do something horrible, Potter." He watched Harry nod slowly and sighed inwardly. "Then again, I did act a bit more sinister than I should have."

"Was it fun scaring the hell out of all of us year after year?"

"It was amusing at times, I'd admit," he replied with a shrug. "But fun wasn't not a motivation."

"Yeah. Saving the son of your childhood tormentor and lost love was." Harry sighed. "I'm sorry my dad was a git to you."

Toby groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Stop apologizing for every little thing. It's annoying. You aren't James or Lily. You didn't even have a chance to grow up with them thanks to the Dark Lord so you never got to know them truly. So stop apologizing for things that happened between them and me. Understood?"

"Got it." Harry kicked the ground with his badly worn trainers.

"If anything, it should be me apologizing to you for letting a petty schoolboy grudge affect how I acted with you over these years. I should have seen you, not seen the opportunity to get your father back for all the crap he did to me. I behaved like a complete arse, and it's inexcusable. I apologize sincerely."

"Wow."

Toby rolled his eyes and shook his head. "Eloquent as usual, I see." He heard Harry's snort and smiled faintly.

"Think we'll be all right now? Like we both can move on from this?"

"In time probably." He glanced at the young man. "Are you speaking to Madam Pomfrey regularly? About everything that happened?"

"Yeah. It's sort of slow going, though. And I get angry sometimes when she pushes."

"Join the club," Toby muttered.

"So, it's normal?"

"Perfectly. When we get angry, it's a sort of mental block we hit. Breaking it, letting go of the anger and talking in other words, helps us put the pieces back together in the right way by helping us make sense of things. At least that's my understanding."

"It sucks talking about it."

"Well, it if it was fun, we'd be doing it all the time," he replied dryly.

"I know, but there are only so many times I want to talk about losing . . . her."

Toby closed his eyes in sudden understanding. Harry was reaching out to him. He let out a slow breath before he reopened his eyes and glanced at the young man.

"I was the same way after your mother died. I didn't want to reopen those wounds. So I hung on to my stubbornness, blanketed myself in it to keep Pomfrey out."

"But eventually you let her in."

"No, Harry. I didn't."

"You never talked to anyone after Mum's death? You just kept it all in?"

"I tried to keep it in at first. Merlin, I was moody son of a bitch for weeks actually because of it. The headmaster put me on leave finally after I lost my temper in class one day and scared all them to death. I let my anger out on everyone around me." He watched Harry stare at him taking everything in. "It was entirely the wrong thing to do, of course. Every day more anger grew in me as I kept pushing it away, kept ignoring it. And as a result, I kept pushing everyone away. I was lost, Harry. For awhile there actually, I even wished that I had died."

"I remember seeing that memory," the young man quietly admitted. "It was one time where I thought Dumbledore was being a heartless git."

Toby shrugged. "I needed tough love to snap me out of it."

"That wasn't tough love, sir," Harry argued.

"Perhaps not, but it's what I equate it to." He folded his hands in his lap and glanced down at his empty ring finger. "Aurora was in Rome at the time, finishing her last year at university. Somehow she received word about what had happened in England, learned of your mother's death, and came home. I was mess when she found me."

"Is that when you two fell in love?"

"Oh, hell no," Toby drawled with a loud laugh. "No. I was too damn blind to see her then. She found me in one of the rundown shitty pubs of Cokeworth." He caught Harry's slight smile at hearing his relaxed tone. "I was utterly drunk off my arse, making a right fool of myself. She told me as such, too. I snapped at her, trying to push her away. Only 'no' is not in that witch's vocabulary."

"Stubborn like you?"

"She gives me a run for my galleons some days, yes." He shook his head as he recalled that time. "She pulled me out of that pub, kicking and screaming. I called her every name in the book and then some, and she only returned it in kind—not backing down in the slightest. At the time, I didn't know it was her of course. All I knew was that some witch was bossing me around and interrupting my pity party. Either way, she eventually got me settled in one of the nearby hotel rooms, deciding it'd be too much work to drag me through the streets in hopes of finding my childhood home. She put me in a full-body bind and poured a sobering potion down my throat before knocking me out with a stunner. I could have murdered her for that."

"What happened then?"

"Well, as I slept my hangover off, she went to nearly every establishment I had ever gone to and threatened the local barkeep if he or she served me again. I didn't find out about that until much later, though. When I woke up the next morning, there was a note underneath my wand."

"What'd it say?"

"I'm sorry, Severus." He ran a hand through his hair, sighing. "It never crossed my mind that it'd be from Aurora. I guess I had stupidly hoped at the time that it was a message from your mother so I convinced myself that it was. And that made it easier for a time."

"Professor Sinistra never came back to check on you?" The young man sounded perplexed by that. "To make sure you weren't drinking again?"

"She didn't need to. She had spies watching me and reporting back to her."

"That's a Slytherin thing, isn't it? Having spies watch others?"

"Probably," Toby agreed quietly with a smile. "She joined the staff a year later, keeping me pleasantly distracted. We'd trade insults back and forth with each other. It soon became a game for us. And that game led to some resemblance to a friendship. She'd stay with me every Halloween night after the feast. We'd head back to my rooms usually, and she'd have a bottle of the finest elf-wine with her that we'd share."

"You'd both get drunk?"

"No. I wouldn't drink to the point of sheer drunkenness with her ever, out of fear that I'd hurt her somehow. And she rarely had more than one sip usually." He sighed quietly. "Every time Halloween rolled around, my heart felt like it was being ripped out once more. So, the wine numbed it for a time. And usually I'd relax to the point where I'd open up. I keep it hidden in riddles what I was truly divulging, so only I knew, but I would talk about your mother. And Aurora would listen. She wouldn't say anything while I spoke, only nod every now and then. After awhile, I—I don't know but I think I grew to trust her—so I'd talk sometimes without the wine helping it along until finally I revealed everything I could." He closed his eyes, rubbing at them tiredly. "I didn't tell her that I was the headmaster's man of course. I kept my loyalty to him a secret. But she knew my heart so she knew the truth. All she had to do was work it out."

"She's the only person you've let in?"

"Other than you now?" He waited for Harry's nod. "Yes. Willingly at least. The Dark Lord and the headmaster weren't much on allowing me to have secrets. They'd both probe my mind to learn things, and usually wouldn't find the thing they were looking for unless I let them."

"Did they know you were married to her?"

"No. It was too dangerous. They'd exploit her to get to me, and I truly didn't want to lose her. That's a constant fear that I battle with some days." He closed his eyes and let his shoulders slump. "As I lay in the Shrieking Shack, I heard her screams in my mind. I couldn't do anything to help her."

"I'm guessing Pomfrey told you that it wasn't your fault and that you weren't to blame?"

"No, but I'd imagine that would be exactly what she'd say if I had told her."

"Wait. You didn't tell Pomfrey?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because I needed to deal with my near death first. Get myself in order in other words."

"Oh."

"We're just slowly starting to get to my relationship and how it's been affected."

Harry rubbed his neck nervously. "She tried that with me, but really I feel fine. I mean, it's heartbreaking that so many people died because of me, but I didn't kill them. Voldemort did."

"Very wise of you to think like that," Toby quietly replied. "You're correct. You're not to blame for others' actions."

"Yeah." The young man exhaled loudly. "It hurts going into the Great Hall, you know? Knowing that was where . . ." His voice faltered.

"You're not alone, Harry."

"I know. Everyone keeps telling me that."

"It's true, though."

"I guess. But it's odd." He shrugged.

"What is?"

"Well, shouldn't I be like Ron is? Angry at the world?"

"Everyone grieves differently. Some of us become angry and wish to hurt others, while some of us just hurt ourselves instead."

"I thought this would feel different." He glanced at Toby. "Losing her, I mean? Like it felt after I lost Sirius, but it doesn't. I'd tell Pomfrey that, but she'd probably say something's wrong with me."

"Nothing's wrong with you. Trust me. You're just grieving in your own way." Toby held a pained expression for a moment. He knew in his mind that he really shouldn't open up too much with the young man, but Harry needed guidance, hope. "Potter?" The young man glanced at him. "What I'm about to say can never be repeated, is that understood? Not to your friends, not to anyone?"

"I understand," Harry replied with a puzzled look.

"Last May, Aurora was pregnant." He sighed softly, glancing down at his ring finger again. "We had tried for years to have a baby, but nothing worked. We were just about to give up hope when Pomfrey informed her that she was pregnant. Aurora made Pomfrey swear she wouldn't tell anyone about the baby or about me being the father." He swallowed, closing his eyes. "We hid the pregnancy from everyone else just like our marriage. Aurora would go to her subsequent healer appointments, alone, and I'd wait for her to tell me all about them later in our rooms. The castle, portraits, and ghosts all knew, of course, but they didn't let on since there was a war going on."

"What happened to the baby?"

"I had returned to Hogwarts after McGonagall and Flitwick drove me out and found Aurora on her tower. I Disapparated her away, to make sure my family was safe. I then returned to Hogwarts to find you and left her. I had thought she'd stay in the cottage, that she'd understand. She didn't, though. She returned to Hogwarts, went to my office thinking I had gone there in fact. Two Death Eaters found her there and attacked her. I don't know any of the other details. We haven't talked about that night, but she suffered a miscarriage with our daughter." He let out a rare shaky breath. "This entire time up until now, I-I didn't feel anything towards it, the heartbreak, I mean. I lost a daughter just as much as my wife had. Yet it didn't affect me like it has affected her. In my mind, all I can think about is the fact that it could have been worse. That I could have lost Aurora. And I think if I would have lost her instead of our daughter, I wouldn't have recovered from it. But like you with Miss Weasley, I'm not really devastated with the loss of my unborn child. It's tragic, yes, but it could have been so much worse."

Harry swiped at his eyes silently and nodded, sniffling quietly. "Thank you."

Toby merely stood up and gently squeezed the young boy's shoulder. "You're not alone, Harry."