How to Torture Mello 11.
Holy crapinskys, the reviews that you all churned out made me do the Caramelldansen right there, sitting at the computer desk. The plot bunnies were many and hilarious, and I'm sorry for the delay, 'cos mah dad forbade me from going on the computer for a week. Bleh.
Also, due to the recent influx of reviews, I'm going to be updating Gangster Genius more often. I kinda forgot about it…yeah, I'm sorry. I don't remember these things.
So! Onward ho…
IN THIS CHAPTER:
More nekkid Mello; Jam and L; Raito on a water bed; Misa being stupid; Spongebob underwear.
--
The water in the shower turned off with a thunk of the knob, the door opened, and Mello toweled off with a sigh. It had been three weeks since the "chocolate rampage incident", and for a while now, Wammy's House hadn't been plagued by random bouts of Light torturing, and the reason was beginning to get on his nerves.
Final exams.
The very sound of the two words were enough to send shivers through his spine. Finals at the House weren't your ordinary, namby-pamby finals. These were monster finals, capable of making even the most hardened orphan break out in tears mid-essay.
Today was the last exam of the semester, English, and Mello was looking forward to it with a vengeance. English was one of the only things that he'd ever beat Near at, and originally being from Germany, Mello was able to rub it in the sheep's face.
He sighed again, wrapped the towel around his skinny hips, and waddled over to the door that led to his room.
--
Matt woke up to the lovely sight of Mello in a towel, which put him in a good mood for the rest of the day. "Well, good mornin'!" he exclaimed, sitting up and reaching for his goggles on the bedside table.
Mello turned around. "Mnnnngh."
"Well, it's nice to see that you're up," replied the gamer, mentally taking pictures of the blonde, who was now struggling to put his boxers on while holding up the towel at the same time. "Uh, y'know, Mello…we're both guys…"
Mello looked up. "NO WAY am I going to let you see me in all mah nekkid glory."
"…Fine."
He finished putting his boxers on, dropped the towel, and began hoicking a pair of jeans up his legs.
"Are those…" came the inevitable comment from Matt.
"Yes, they're girl jeans. Leave me alone, they're the only ones that fit."
There was a patter of feet from behind him, and Mello turned around to see Matt disappear into the bathroom, blood dripping from his nose.
He sighed and pulled his shirt over his head.
--
The tension at breakfast was almost too much for Near, and he wove through countless kids frantically looking up last-minute definitions for the test. "GAH! Who knows what 'pilious' means?!" screeched Lost, a mask of pure terror on her face, pale from lack of sleep.
A voice came from above them. "It means covered in hair," said Raito, the obvious owner of said voice.
Lost turned pink. "Th-thank you!"
Near rolled his eyes, and walked over to where Matt and Mello were lounging, no books, pens, or papers in sight. "Hey, Near!" said the gamer, holding out a proffered high-five. "What's poppin', man?"
Mello smacked him. "Don't say that."
"WHAT'S POPPIN'?!"
Smack.
Near took a deep breath and began digging into his food, for once eager to finish in time for the test.
"So, Near…after the test, you wanna help us do some Raito Torture Time?"
He looked up. "Are you inviting me to prank Raito once again?"
"Well, yeah, if you're willing. Of course, you're too lame to want to, aren't yo-"
"I'll help."
This shut Mello up for a few minutes. "Alright then…"
--
SAMPLE QUESTION:
Graph the following
sentence:
Archie, the canine compadre of Alchemy Street, rode
over the long rose bush, the short rose bush, and the tall
thingamajig; these were all just magical ways to disguise the four
fish stick stands, which were: Alpha, Beta, and Gamma.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"
--
After three solid hours of insanely hard questioning, the orphans were finally released from their grammatical prison and let loose outside.
"Good GOD." said Matt, flolloping heavily onto a couch. "That was just…brutal."
"I concur," replied the blonde, tearing off huge chunks of his chocolate as he spoke. "Alright. Let's go plannify."
Near raised his hand. "Mello…"
"What?! Don't raise your hand at me, I'm not your frickin' teacher…"
"Can we do something?"
"What?"
Near whispered something into Mello's ear. A grin suddenly spread across the chocoholic's face, a grin that would scare small children and give the Cheshire Cat a run for it's money. "HELL YES."
--
Raito had had a long day, going over long tapes of security footage in prisons to try to see a pattern to Kira's killings, and all the while telling Misa that he was just watching "Cops" or "Reno 911". Misa seemed convinced, which worried Raito somewhat.
He sank down gratefully onto his bed…
…and landed on hard springs. "OWCH!"
He put his hand on the bed, carefully, and it seemed there was nothing wrong with it. Hmm…What's with this? A water bed? It wasn't a water bed before…
It took him about ten seconds to get it.
"DAMN YOU MELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"
--
Mello heard the scream of anguish and smiled. This, he could get used to.
--
L sunk gratefully onto a couch, sprawling out normally instead of sitting like usual. He didn't need to think right now, especially after grading thirty-eight English tests in thirty minutes flat.
He needed a bath.
L's selective memory stopped him from remembering what happened last time he had a bath and the jammy incident that followed, so he staggered over to the bathroom…
…and screamed at a pitch usually reserved for calling dogs. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!"
Yes, there was jam in the tub. There was also jam all over the rest of the bathroom, too. There was jam everywhere; and just the smell of the sticky treat made L's nose twinge a little, threatening to bleed.
He turned out of the bathroom, looked over on a convenient table…which just happened to have a nice picture of Beyond sitting proudly on it.
His nose began dripping scarlet.
--
That night, two very disgruntled coworkers sat on the couch before dinner. "Good god, Ryuzaki. What's with those kids?!" asked Raito, exasperated beyond belief.
"I do not know," replied the detective, trying to shield various jam-y fantasies from the more perverted part of his mind. "But I suspect it has to do with Mello and Matt. They don't seem to like you very much."
"No duh."
There was a sudden scream. "RAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" cried Misa, running in dressed in a bathrobe. "They took all my lingerie and replaced it with Spongebob underwear!!"
And with this gallant complaint, she burst into hysterical weeping.
--
Matt had a long talk with Lost before dinner that night.
"So are you willing to do it?"
"Uh, yeah. What's mah payment?"
"…You know that Misa chick?"
"Mm-hmm?"
"We stole all her lingerie. You can have it."
Lost's eyes bulged out. "No frickinidy way."
"Shells yeah, if you do it."
"…Deal."
They spit on their palms, shook, and the deal was sealed.
"So…what was that about?!" asked Near, utterly confused for the first time in his life.
"Oh, Lost's going to attempt to seduce that Raito guy."
"NO WAI."
"Yes way. Dinner."
--
They had never been more entertained.
"Er…Raito?" twittered Lost, batting her sparkly eyelashes and being a total girly-girl. "Could you help me with something?"
"…Um…yes…?" he said, as she dragged him off to the table.
"What're they doing!?" whispered Matt, trying to see but blocked by Mello's head, Near's sheepy wool, and various cameras whose contents were bound for Youtube.
"It's hilarity beyond description," managed to choke out Mello, whose face was turning red from suppressed laughter.
--
Later that day, Matt was busy reviewing videos of Raito's hilarious "I LUV CHIPS" face, Mello was staring at the ceiling and eating his chocolate while listening to alternative metal, and Near was attempting to cut a long string of paper bananas.
The silence was broken by Matt, who jumped up and yelled something along the lines of "OHEMGEE!!ALDJFAIRWTBEJIFDHN!!" and ran out of the door.
"…What the…?"
He came back after a few minutes, smiling widely with a black Sharpie in his hand.
"We," he said, beginning to scribble something on their Xbox fishbowl, "are going to name things."
Mello looked at him like he was insane. "What?!"
"Okay, for an example…this fishbowl/gaming platform. It's-scuse me, her- name is Sheryl."
"…"
"And your foot," he continued, grabbing the wildly squirming Near's leg, "is named Slartibartfast." He Sharpied said name onto Near's skin, and let the sheep plop down on the floor.
"What the hell are you on?!"
Matt pointed to the monitor, grinning. "Well, I was reading this blog about a guy at a Renaissance Faire who named his nipples. I was in awe."
"Hannah rocks," Near said, while twirling his hair.
"Well, that was random. Anyway, Matt…YOU ARE CRAZY. Let's go name Raito's feet."
"SHWEETNESS!!"
--
They passed Lost and Raito on the way over to the door outside.
"YES!" Lost yelled, thrusting her arms up triumphantly. "Thirty-four pieces of chewed bubblegum in…thirty seconds. That's gotta be a world record."
Raito eyed the impressive pile of gum appreciatively. "Indeed."
Neither of them noticed when Near took the whole pile, wrapped it in plastic wrap, and stuck it in his pocket.
--
After naming everything they could think of (even six individual eyelashes on Near, who were, respectively; Jonas, Errol, Iminagen, Sasuke, Peachface, and Creamsicle), Matt and Mello set off to go think of some more ways to torture their archnemisis.
Near was left up to his own devices, and he knew just what he was going to do to the poor brunette.
--
"Okay," whispered Matt, a ski mask on over his goggled mug, bottle of Nutella in hand. "Ready?"
Mello nodded.
They crept out from behind the dresser in L's room, and as Mello kept watch, Matt raided the underwear drawer with a practiced hand. "Gotcha!" he whispered, holding up a pair of boxers with little hearts on them. "Now…" he muttered, scooping handfuls of the yummy hazelnut stuff out of the jar and spreading it all over the fabric.
"Okay, I'm done," he whispered to Mello, who nodded and proceeded to get rid of every other pair of undies by sticking them in another sack that he'd somehow found.
They crept out of the room just as they heard L's low voice say, "I'm going to take a shower, Raito-kun."
--
Misa swore she heard some strange sounds coming from the bathroom that day.
--
L came out of the shower, towel wrapped around his waist, and opened the dresser drawer. "Hm…" he muttered, staring at the lone pair of boxers sitting innocently in the drawer. "I guess tomorrow's laundry day…"
He pulled them up…and suddenly felt a squoosh against his nether regions. "WTF?!" he yelled, doing a strange kind of "get it the hell off of me" jig and squirming like a cat in a bag.
"Ryuzaki?!" yelled Raito, running in to the very hilariously nosebleed-inducing sight of L doing a strange kind of dance in his boxers. "What's wrong?! Did you sit do-"
"SOMEONE PUT STUFF IN MY BOXERS!!"
"…" Raito was silent for a moment, pondering whether or not Mello could sink so low.
L ran into the bathroom, there was a sound of something wet plolloping into the tub, and suddenly L yelled "NUTELLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!"
--
Mello grinned when he heard L's cry. "Ah, sweet success."
--
The sheep, meanwhile, was busy sneaking into Misa's room.
He finally crawled in from the window, landed with a soft thump on the floor, and skittered over to the bed.
He peeked into one of the pillowcases, deemed it safe, and slid the big squishy blob of gum out of his pocket.
He stuck the gum all over the pillow, then used some tape to stick plastic wrap onto the underside of the pillow above it.
Near suddenly felt like laughing insanely. "Heheheh. Heh. Wooo…"
--
"Yo, pass me Lucille," said Matt, and Mello threw the saltshaker, which had been Sharpied with its name, over to him. "Thanks."
"Hey…have ya seen the sheep?" asked the blonde, poking his chicken a la king hesitantly.
"Eh, no."
Mello took a quick gander- Lost was up at Raito's table, chattering excitedly and being as flirtatious as a 12-year-old can be, Core was busy teaching a group of smaller orphans the joys of stuffed lions, Kazahaya was poking Crane in the face while yelling "HABLAHAHAHA!" for some reason- but there was no sheep.
"He's probably just skipping out on dinner," reassured Matt, but Mello knew something was up.
--
"Hey, Raito?"
"…Did I give you permission to call me by my first name?"
"No, but I love you SOOO much. So now you're Raito. Anyway, have you ever heard of Near and Mello? They're SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO awesome. They're, like, the Jonas Brothers times, like, thirty! OH EM GEE!!"
Lost continued on, oblivious to the twitching that Raito's eye was doing.
--
"NEAR! You're alive!" yelled Matt, running over and tackleglomping the sheep.
"Yes, I'm alive. I haven't died yet."
Mello crunched his chocolate. "So…what were you doing."
"Let's just say it involved thirty-four pieces of bubblegum."
"…You're awesome."
--
Misa woke up the next morning with a pillow stuck to her hair.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"
--
"Pwned," said Matt, in the midst of getting his thirtieth A+ on DDR.
Near, next to him and fitfully trying to find the right arrow on the mat, nodded in reply.
--
My sister wrote one sentence in this story. Her name is Hannah. Guess which sentence?
Ahhahaha…Kaze Kimizu, I'm sooooo glad that you finally let out the festering plotbunnies, they grabbed my brain and wouldn't let go. Note the Core cameo…I cried…Paius Philos is just…-dissolves into hysterical tearage-
Aaaanyway. I finished most of the dares…Nekkid Mello with Nekkid Matt will come. Eventually. Maybe. Er…perhaps.
Thankies, reviewers! More Pocky, some edamame (I AM AN EDAMAME MONSTER. Srsly.) and a plushie of your choice. Wooooo.
I has a blog now, it's my "homepage" thing on my profile, or if you're too lazy and don't mind copying this down:
www. suckparsley.blogspot. com
Woo.
Next chapter's going to be written much sooner than this one was. Gomennasai…
blakemckenzie.kurokawa.blackriver