Hello! So after getting some wonderful feedback, I've decided to continue this one. Keep an eye out for one more chapter, and let me know what you think!
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Disclaimer: YYH is not mine, I'm not nearly smart enough to have thought of the brilliance that is Yusuke Urameshi and Co.
The kitsune was the first to wake. It was only natural, seeing as how the jaganshi had only fallen asleep in the waking hours of daylight. His presence had been soothing to the half demon, who had slept dreamlessly once the other had situated himself by his side. Taking a moment to wipe the drowsiness from his eyes, the fox stared down at his counterpart, whose face managed to hold lines of worry even in his sleep. He smiled, reaching out to brush the tips of his hair away, but pulled back abruptly. No, that place was not his. Without dwelling on it too much, he slipped from the bed soundlessly, filing into his routine and leaving the other to his restfulness.
It was hours later when the hi youkai woke, finding himself alone. Not knowing where or when the fox had departed, he moved quickly, jumping out of bed and pulling his boots and cloak on hurriedly. He had not meant to sleep for so long – in fact, it had been decided that he would be the one to leave while the other slept, to give him time to process what they had gone through the night before.
The night before. He cursed under his breath, ducking through the open window and out into the cool mid-morning air. Damn the fox, giving him reason to break from his unaffectedness, yet still denying him answers. He was less than satisfied, he thought, making his way toward the less populated end of the city, with the way that things had ended. Either Kurama was completely unaware that he had failed to address the issue or didn't think it necessary. Hiei couldn't help but frown at this, not sure which of the two was true and which he wanted to be true.
Worse yet, he knew that he wouldn't be able to move past the issue until it was resolved. The very thought of having to pry into Kurama's wound to address his own left him with an empty feeling in the pit of his stomach, but there was nothing else he could think to do. The avoidance he had been faced with last night, the blatant holes that Kurama had left him to fill in were eating away at him. They raised questions that he had thought himself above: Why did he choose me to begin with? What does he think I could have to offer him?
Does he even trust me with himself?
He stopped dead in his tracks as the words slipped through their warded place in his mind, finally making themselves known. Not caring that he had paused at the edge of an abandoned wharf, he sat down, legs crossed underneath him and hands folded under his chin in thought.
Doubt. This meant trouble. It had been far too long since he held any doubts about his partnership with Kurama; nothing of the sort had entered his mind since sometime before Maze Castle. There had been concern, worry, anger even, but doubt had been killed by the fox's pledge of allegiance after his betrayal. It was only then that he had really gotten to know the fox, but he supposed it was then that the other truly let him in for the first time. After their probation sentence, the kitsune had let down his greatest guard around Hiei, letting him see just how much he was human and just how much he was not, no masks or pretense. It was then that Hiei was allowed to make the distinction between the three, finding Kurama somewhere in the middle. But now he found himself reevaluating. Again, he was unsure.
Perhaps it was a different side of the beast within him, a side that no one had seen before. Perhaps the Kurama that he had come to know was more of his old self than he cared to admit. Either way, Hiei saw something come out in him at the sight of the chimera that he had never expected.
He found he hated it.
An incoming flock of sea birds caught his attention and he shook his head, amending his thoughts. No, what he hated was not how the fox responded to the other, it was that he responded to him. The look in his eyes, the pain in his voice, all of which indicated that their partnership had not dissolved cleanly. Suddenly, he felt like a fool.
After all of the promises, the atonement, the stakes he went to in order to gain his trust, Hiei could not believe that it was Kurama who was less committed to their partnership. But even that was a lie.
The fire demon dug his fingers into his hair, trying desperately not to let his mind access the thoughts which would bring his ruin. No amount of justification was proving successful – he knew that it was himself that he was bothered by. His reaction to the fox's, his feelings about the chimera's emergence: they were all far too obvious, screaming at him too loud to be ignored. His best bet would be to ignore the kitsune all together, to run and disappear without a word on the matter. To give up on their partnership before it was torn out from under them.
But logic wasn't his particular specialty. That was the other's. So he left, heading back to the only place he could think of to find answers to deflect his own, hoping that he believed his own lies enough to convince the fox that they were true.
Kurama returned home in the early afternoon, happy to find the house quiet and welcoming, a perfect setting for his mood. Somehow knowing that his companion would be back at some point, he took to tidying up the space, humming a low tune as he worked, his mind pleasantly numb compared to the night before. Once he was satisfied with the state of his room, he wandered into the kitchen. Shiori, as she usually was, would be home by evening, meaning that if he wanted the opportunity to eat with his less than social friend, it would have to be done before then. He took his time in the preparations, enjoying the mundane task more than usual, wondering when the other would decide to come back around.
It was still fairly early when Hiei sulked in, the food neatly balanced on a tray on the kitsune's night table, the fox himself situated in his desk chair, reading. Hiei cocked his head at the display, and the fox peeked over his book, taking a moment to mark his page and return it to its proper shelf.
"I thought we could share a meal together. Though, I do admit I picked at mine while I waited." He smiled, somewhat sheepishly. Indeed, there were a few half full bowls in front of him, their contents the same as the others. Hiei only stared dumbly, his mind still focused inward, not quite ready to process outside words. His tone hit a nerve, the sweet note that Hiei had always secretly been fond of coming off differently, as if he were being talked to like a child. The fox looked at him, his eyes deepening as he noticed. "Hiei?"
The fire demon nodded toward him, sitting down on the floor and taking a bowl of lukewarm soup from the tray. He glanced at it mildly, bringing it to his lips but finding that it tasted like ash. He put it down, unsure how to proceed.
"You're upset…still." The words came slowly, as if he were realizing something that should have been obvious to him before. Hiei found himself fascinated by his bootlaces, a pang hitting him as he confirmed that it had been the first of the two after all.
"I'm not." Idiot, of course you are. Surely you don't think he's equally as much of a fool. The kitsune's face fell, and suddenly Hiei felt guilty over his demeanor.
"I don't understand. Is this about Kuronue?" Red eyes shot up toward him at the mention of the name, and Kurama sat back in his chair, trying to collect the puzzle pieces he had so far. "I thought we discussed this." Hiei shot him an accusatory look.
"Not thoroughly enough." The fox looked truly confused now, his face both cautious and unsure.
"I'm sorry, Hiei, I can't see what's going on. If there's something you wish to know, just ask it. I cannot fix this until you do." Without thinking, the smaller youkai met his eyes with an intensity that the fox was unprepared for. It took him aback.
"What was it like, in the camp?" The kitsune blinked, his directionality challenged.
"You mean in my camp?" Hiei nodded, his face hard and attentive. The fox shook his head, denying him. "That's not the question in your eyes. What are you trying to ask me, Hiei?" The fire demon ground his teeth, frustration pooling from unspoken words.
"What was it like. With him." This time when the fox faltered Hiei bit back his harsh words, knowing that what was to come would not be easy for his companion, even if he was being evasive. Kurama's face was pained, as if the thought of his former comrade stung him like one of his deadly thorns. The fire demon watched, as patient as he could be, as a storm of emotion flooded the other's face. He tried to read it, but it passed too quickly, leaving clear and present sorrow.
"Why do you need to know?" He finally whispered, his eyes on the floor, then meeting the other's. It was Hiei's turn to fumble, to try and come up with something that held truth without breaching dangerous territory.
"You almost threw it all away," he was surprised at the calm in his voice, how his tone had managed to even out. Still, there was a hint of matching sorrow in it, one he did not know how to get rid of. "For him. Again, you stepped up alone, refused my help, let him hurt you. And if it had been him you would have died willingly." Or left me.
"I would not have."
The fox was absolutely bristling, having stood at such a resigned accusation. Hiei looked at him with dead eyes that resisted his denial, only infuriating him all the more.
"I understand that your experience among the bandits that raised you was not the same as mine," he shot coolly, "but I would hope that if for some reason you left me today and we came across each other years later on the opposite sides of an allegiance, you would at least pause before killing me." Hiei was momentarily shocked, both at the insinuation that he would be the one to destroy their partnership, and at the barb the fox had aimed at the fact that Hiei's adolescence had been companionless, while his had not. Whether intentional or not, the kitsune wounded him more deeply, pushing.
"I'm sorry that you're not the first person I've trusted with my life." It was the second apology, a backhanded one, and at this Hiei pushed back.
"You don't know what you're talking about-" The kitsune took a step toward him, anger coming off of him in waves.
"No Hiei, that would be you. What you don't know about Kuronue and I could fill a book. Why you think you know what I would or would not have done then is ludicrous."
"You were lovers."
The room went still in a moment, Kurama staring at him with eyes wide, Hiei gripping the material of his pants with force that caused his hands to shake. His head was hung over his lap, but Kurama could see that he was fighting for something, whether it was words, action, or something else, he couldn't tell. All he could see was the anger, and when he did speak, the genuine hurt that poured out of him.
"You don't get it, Kurama. Imagine living in the shadow of someone you didn't know was there, not knowing all along that there was something you could never live up to. Could we ever have really been partners, Kurama, or was I all you could get?" He spat the last words as he stood, making for the still open window instinctively, without a glance back.
It was too late by the time a lost piece fell into place in the kitsune's head, by the time he shouted the other's name, no longer in anger. By that time he found himself alone. He sunk down onto his bed, letting himself curl into a ball, worrying about losing another partner until exhaustion and sleep took him. It was hours later when Shiori returned to find him there, fully clothed and in a distressed slumber, his breathing rapid and eyes shut tightly. Kissing him on the forehead, she covered him with an extra blanket, leaving him to his troubled dreams.
As she made her way out, she took with her a tray of untouched food which had grown stale in waiting.
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