The next mission of the Creuset team was to ambush the Archangel, which was taking refuge in the abandoned L4 colony.
It had been a while since the team last confronted their target ship. With the failure of Operation Spitbreak, the wars in Panama and Victoria, and with the Archangel defecting from the OMNI, ZAFT no longer considered the legged-ship to be as much of a threat. Militarily speaking, there were countless other issues the Vesalius should have prioritized.
But the commander's word was absolute.
"As you are both painfully aware, our ship only has a limited number of combatants."
Yzak never fully trusted the man who sat in front of him. There was something inherently wrong about a man who had to hide his face from the world. And he could not recall any instance where his commander had seemed even the slightest bit sincere.
"Despite the fact that the Archangel is no longer backed by the OMNI, it still has the Strike, the Freedom, and the Buster."
The Buster, he thought bitterly. The MS that belonged to his best friend now was an enemy. It was also seemed to be another proof that his friend would never return; whoever piloted the MS now was not Dearka Elsman.
"I'll go out as well. Yzak and I will enter the colony in our mobile suits. Shiho, you will stay with the ship."
Yzak glanced at Shiho, who stood beside him. She flinched, but her expression betrayed no emotion.
"Both be ready to launch in 15 minutes. The operation starts at 1400 sharp."
Yzak and Shiho saluted and briskly walked out of the commander's quarters.
They walked to the hangar in silence. A few days ago, even that short walk would have been accompanied by numerous insults and shouting. But for some reason, Yzak no longer felt the need to attack her with the most hurtful comments he could think of. No. He was still terrified of her –of seeing himself in her- but no longer needed to defend himself from her.
It was like the tension that had built within him was washed away, replaced only by a melancholy hollowness.
And whenever he caught her brown locks in his peripheral, he felt a dull pain inside.
xoxox
Everything was exactly the way he'd expected it to be. He found the Buster, and enraged by the fact that some Natural was piloting Dearka's MS, he attacked it viciously. The Buster did not fight back, which fueled his anger even more. If there was one thing Yzak could not stand, it was cowardice. He wanted to scream at the other pilot that Dearka Elsman was so much more of a man than he would ever be.
When a familiar voice sounded over his intercom, he felt like someone bashed a cement block into his head.
"Yzak? Listen to me, Yzak!"
It was Dearka. The coward in the Buster who wouldn't fight back was Dearka. Yzak's mind went blank.
"Dearka…"
"Yzak, please. Just let me explain."
In a few minutes, Yzak found himself facing his friend in person inside the colony. Right after Dearka went MIA, he had wished that Dearka would somehow miraculously return. And he had, in a way. Dearka was alive, despite the worst case scenario Yzak had accepted as reality.
But this was almost worse.
"What the fuck are you doing, Elsman?"
His friend stood ten feet away, quietly looking at him. Dearka was oddly collected and confident; the way he looked at Yzak made him feel vastly inferior. That was ridiculous. It was Dearka, for heaven's sake.
"Yzak…"
The blonde took a step towards him, but stopped. That's right, Yzak seethed inside. This wasn't some touching reunion between two friends. They were enemies. Yzak had his gun pointed at Dearka. Technically, he should have demanded him to return to the Vesalius and explain himself in court; but he wasn't that good of a soldier.
"You've abandoned ZAFT."
It wasn't a question. The blonde had abandoned the team. Abandoned him. And he probably had no idea how much that loss had caused Yzak. All of those sleepless nights, those voices, the huge black hole of guilt and anger and everything else that disgusted him.
Shiho's eyes.
And all that because that stupid, incompetent, inconsiderate blonde had deserted.
"That day when I went MIA…do you remember?"
Yzak raised his eyebrow. Of course he did. It was the day his entire world crumbled at his feet. How could he possibly forget?
"The Skygrasper got me pretty badly, and I surrendered to the Archangel. They took me as a prisoner, but released me and the Buster after they defected from the OMNI."
"And you stayed. What the fuck was going through your mind?"
"While I was with the Archangel, I saw and heard a lot of things. I also had a lot of time to think."
"Think about what, Elsman?"
"I started to doubt ZAFT and its philosophy. I can't fight the war on your side anymore. I can't return to the military."
Blood rushed to Yzak's head, and he saw red.
"Are you fucking kidding me? You go missing on me for three months, three months, Dearka! And you tell me you don't believe in ZAFT? What the fuck does that even mean?"
"Yza…"
"Didn't you even stop and think, for a fucking moment, that I might have liked to know you were still alive?"
Dearka looked away guiltily. Yzak clenched his fist. He'd never felt so betrayed in his life. If this had been Athrun or Nicol, it might have been different. But Dearka was and always had been his closest friend, and he was siding himself with the Archangel.
The ship that had killed Nicol and Rusty.
"The Freedom's pilot used to pilot the Strike."
"What?"
"He's a Coordinator. He was friends with Athrun before the war."
Yzak could not believe his ears. When he first heard Dearka's voice "on the other side," he felt like he was being ripped into pieces. To think that Athrun had been fighting the entire war with that kind of pain inside him? Moreoever…
"Not just the Freedom. There's a bunch of kids on that ship. Just like you and me, Yzak. And they've suffered through deaths and losses just like we have."
When Dearka looked up, there was no more doubt in his eyes.
"Am I your enemy?"
"Dearka…"
"Why are you fighting this war?"
"…They've brainwashed you!"
Yzak shouted, desperately wanting Dearka to stay. But those amethyst eyes did not waver, and he knew there was nothing he could do to change Dearka's mind. Dearka had found the answer to that question.
What was his reason?
Was there a reason that could justify everything he'd done?
xoxox
When Yzak stepped out of the Duel in the hangar of the Vesalius, he noticed a commotion surrounding the MS beside his. He frowned; disorganization in the military could easily lead to death. His frown deepened when he realized that the MS was a blue CGUE.
Shiho's MS.
"What the hell is going on?"
He barked at the nearest mechanic, who immediately grabbed him by his arm.
"Thank god you're here! Come on, you gotta calm her down."
Yzak was taken by surprise. It was unusual enough that Shiho needed calming down; she was a levelheaded soldier for the most part. And even if she did, wasn't the entire crew painfully aware that Yzak was probably the last person who could instill calm on her?
"What are you talking about?"
"We thought we lost you, what with all the static and you being so late. Then she went hysterical and she's refused to get off the CGUE until we let her go out there again."
He looked at the nearest clock display. The conversation with Dearka took more time than he expected, and he realized he was supposed to report to the ship over 30 minutes ago.
Suddenly he remembered what she told him at the shooting range.
He was more experienced than I was, so he took the offensive and I stayed with the ship.
And her "friend" never came back.
He pulled away from the mechanic and started running towards her CGUE. He could hear her shouting through her cockpit while one of the mechanics banged on the door.
"Hahnenfuss!"
He pushed the other mechanic and stood in front of the door. He knew that Shiho had a perfectly fine view of him through her main camera, but the shouting did not subside. He didn't even know why he cared what she was doing.
He inhaled and shouted again, louder this time.
"Hahnenfuss! Breathe!"
Her voice stopped. Yzak continued in a gentler voice.
"It's okay, I'm here. Open the door."
Nothing happened, and he knocked on the metal. After a brief second, the door opened. Shiho's eyes were wide open, although he did not know if it was in shock or in fear. Her hand was still on the controls, shaking violently. He slowly extended one of his hands and placed it on hers.
"I'm sorry, Hahnenfuss."
He didn't even know why he was apologizing, but it seemed like the right thing to do. She blinked a few times, and a sob escaped from her throat.
"I'm sorry."
And he could do nothing but watch her cry until her tears dried and her hands finally stopped shaking.
And so things start to change between Yzak and Shiho... Although at this point and time, it's really nothing more than the fact that they are both lost and broken and well, very angsty.
And just in case: OMNI is the official name for the Earth Alliance forces. I'll be using the term "OMNI" throughout the fic, it just makes a lot of things a LOT easier for me.
Thank you for reading, and more thanks to my reviewers. You make my day! :)