It wasn't very long until Yzak was called into the commander's quarters again.
Creuset was waiting for him at his desk with his trademark smirk. Yzak felt sick merely facing this man, especially after what Dearka had said.
Why are you fighting this war?
It most definitely wasn't for his man, he thought, as he saluted gritting his teeth.
"Yzak Joule. As of this moment, you are no longer part of my team."
He froze. A transfer. They weren't uncommon, but he never thought that he'd be the one to be transferred out. It was hard to imagine fighting anywhere but on the Vesalius, under Creuset. Fighting somewhere that wasn't ridden with memories of his lost friends.
For some reason, Yzak thought of Shiho. The thought that he would never see her again was strangely disconcerting.
"Where am I going, commander?"
Creuset chuckled.
"You are to report to the Voltaire in 24 hours."
Yzak frowned. He'd never heard of the Voltaire, or of its commander. Was he being demoted to some useless squadron? Perhaps a troop that patrolled the remotest parts of PLANTS. As exhausted as he was of the war and life in general, his pride still protested. Creuset chuckled again.
"The Voltaire is a Nazca-class ship just like this one. It was completed just a few days ago."
Creuset handed Yzak a heavy file he recognized to be the blueprints and manual for the ship.
"You are going to be assigned your own team, who will join you in the Voltaire. You've accomplished quite a feat, Yzak. You are the youngest commander of an actual combat troop in ZAFT history."
Yzak stared blankly at the file in his lap. Sure, there had been times when he wished for this. But that had been back when the rest of the team was still intact, when he believed that there was justice in fighting for ZAFT.
How could he command an entire team when he did not even know what to do with himself?
"If there is anyone you feel will be essential to your success in your new team, feel free to take them. Consider it a parting gift. That's it, you're dismissed. Congratulations, Commander Joule."
Commander my ass, Yzak thought as he walked out of the room. More like leading a bunch of stupid, scared teenagers just like himself to their deaths. Heck, he was lost. He was broken. And they wanted him to become a commander?
The administration really must be losing their minds.
He dumped the file on his bunk without looking inside. It was just another burden on his shoulders.
And yet…somehow Dearka's gaze was burned into his memory. His friend, who'd been another lost youth, had appeared in front of him as a determined man. While Yzak was drowning himself in his guilt, Dearka had found strength from the rubbles of battle. He'd found faith in himself. In his allies.
Yzak started to walk towards the hangar. He recalled the days when he blindly blamed the Naturals for the war. The world was simple back then, clear lines dividing black and white. But he could no longer continue fighting the war thinking his enemy was a single, anonymous, evil entity.
The Naturals he were fighting were real people. They had names and faces. And they hurt, just like he hurt.
He stopped in front of the Duel. The MS had become a part of him, but even his most trustworthy "comrade" was really nothing more than a killing machine.
Somewhere deep down, he knew Dearka had a point. Some of ZAFT's actions in the war seemed inhumane even to his eyes. But at the same time, the Archangel had also destroyed many things and many lives. He could not see the Archangel as a force of justice to be chosen over his own people, his own home. Deserting the army had been Dearka's answer, but it was not Yzak's.
He needed to find his answer, and he needed to start stepping forward again. He could not spend the rest of his life in the bottomless pit of self loathing.
He heard a clinking noise above. When he looked up, he saw Shiho on top of her CGUE with a spanner in her hand.
"Hahnenfuss? What the hell are you doing?"
Shiho looked down and scowled. Instead of shouting down at him, like he expected her to, she slid down a rope to the floor. She had a streak of grease across her cheek.
"Taking care of my MS, that's what I'm doing."
Her voice was sullen, but it was not as harsh as he remembered it to be.
"Shouldn't you leave that to the mechanics? They'll probably cry if you break it."
Shiho scoffed at him and reached out to the surface of her CGUE.
"I developed the beam weaponry on this thing."
"What?"
"I'm really an engineer, not a combat specialist. This is really what I should be doing, not fighting in it. I'm not going to fucking break it, Joule."
She stroked the metal gently. It was strange to see her act so tenderly towards something. He felt a dull pang of pain inside.
She stopped abruptly and looked down.
"I'm sorry about the other day."
It was easy to guess which day she was referring to. After she broke down in her cockpit, Yzak stood with his hand on her hand for two hours until her sobs finally subsided.
"I just…I don't know. It was just like that day and I…"
"Don't."
Yzak interrupted, but she seemed unconvinced. He shook his head.
"You don't need to explain."
He surprised himself by his calmness. Perhaps living in the same ship as her instilled perseverance in him. Shiho simply nodded, and looked back at her CGUE.
"You're being considerate. It's scaring me, Joule."
"I don't even fucking know."
Shiho turned to the ladder beside her CGUE and started to climb. Before he could think, Yzak shouted at her back.
"Wait!"
She looked back dubiously.
"I'm being transferred out. Tomorrow."
Her eyes showed the slightest sign of shock.
"Where?"
"The Voltaire. I'm their new commander."
"Well that's fucking great, Joule. Congrats–"
"Come with me."
She stared at him blankly, and he instantly thought he screwed up. He never should have asked her in the first place. They were trying to bite each other's faces off only a week ago. Heck, he didn't even know why he wanted Shiho on his team. He was about to turn around and walk away when he saw her move.
She nodded, slightly but firmly, and climbed up the ladder.
He clenched his fist beside him. If becoming a commander was the first thing he could do to move forward, then he would do it. He would carry the weight of all those lives on his shoulders if that's what they wanted of him.
As Yzak turned around, he realized that he had just carried an entire conversation with Shiho looking directly at her.
For the very first time since they met in the bridge of the Vesalius, Yzak was not afraid to face Shiho's eyes.
And so things continue to progress between them.
To clarify: Yes, Athrun was technically their "commander" for a few episodes in SEED. This is why Creuset stresses that he is the "youngest commander of an actual combat troop in ZAFT history" -Yzak was the youngest to receive his own ship, with his own crew, with his own mechanics, etc. etc...
Shiho actually is an engineer according to canon. That I did not make up. And, going back to what I said in the previous chapter, her CGUE really is blue according to the SEED MSV opening. Which I never really got, since the balsam (i.e. Housenka, her nickname) definitely does not come in blue.
But I suppose that is just a minor, irrelevant point in the greater scheme of things.
I know these chapters are short, but please bear with me. Some of the later chapters may be considerably longer.
As usual, reviews are really, really, REALLY appreciated...