The Voltaire was built exactly like the Vesalius.
Which was, of course, to be expected. All Nazca-class ships were identical; the military did not like wasting unnecessary imagination on their armory. It was strange to walk through the ship –his ship- that seemed so familiar yet was something completely different. It was strange to live in the commander's quarters, which he associated so closely with Creuset. It was strange to have his entire crew salute him when he walked by. It was strange to be giving orders, not following them.
Most of all, it was strange to be cooperating with Shiho Hahnenfuss.
The first thing he did when he arrived at the Voltaire was to assemble his entire team in the hangar. There were 67 of them in total. A few of the mechanics were older and seemed experienced; the vast majority of his new team looked like they were shipped straight from the military academy.
They were his responsibility now.
He tried to burn each of their faces into his memory. They seemed so young and innocent. He laughed at himself inside. He was making himself sound like an old man, when he was standing in their shoes only a year and a half ago. He wondered if he'd looked so goddamned naïve when he first joined the Creuset team. It all seemed like a part of some distant dream.
Later that day, he called Shiho into his office.
She stood in his doorway for a moment, looking lost, before she saluted him hesitantly.
"Shiho Hahnenfuss, reporting."
There was something inherently wrong about the picture. As soon as the door closed behind her, he let out a huge sigh.
"Drop that, Hahnenfuss."
Shiho gave him an incredulous expression, but she did as he said.
"I thought you were a fan of proper protocol. As much as I hate to admit, you are my superior officer now."
"You of all people know I have no idea what I'm doing."
She scoffed.
"Does that matter? You don't have the luxury to be lost. All those kids are looking up to you, Commander Joule, and you need to set the example. It's your job to look like you know what the hell you're doing, and if that means pretending, then so be it."
Her words landed heavily in his conscience, and he wondered how she always managed to be so right.
"I know, Hahnenfuss. That's why I called you here."
She raised an eyebrow.
"As you probably noticed, most of the team is made up of recent graduates of the academy. They have no previous experience, which makes you and I the senior officers of this ship."
"Which is really just ridiculous, because we're both only seventeen."
"Right. I most definitely don't have the experience or ability to be running this ship by myself. And I am definitely not strong enough to be the capable, dependable commander that they need."
"But that's your fucking job–"
"I need your help."
Shiho froze and looked at him in shock.
"I know what they need out of me, and I'll do my best to meet their expectations. But I'm not that strong, Hahnenfuss. You know that. I need your help. You are probably the only pilot and strategist on this ship who's even halfway decent. You're the only one who has lived through the pain of the battlefield. I trust you, and I trust your abilities."
He paused, and looked straight into her eye.
"I'm putting you as my second-in-command."
She took a few moments to recover.
"Are you serious?"
"Of course I am, Hahnenfuss."
He scoffed at her, and she scowled. He almost wanted to laugh at her reaction –it wasn't often that you could catch Shiho Hahnenfuss off guard- but continued seriously.
"If it's my job to know what the hell I'm doing, it's your job to keep me on track. If I'm making a mistake, or if I'm missing something, I'm counting on you to bitch me out and knock some sense into my head. And, if I die in battle, I'm leaving the team in your hands until the administration decides otherwise."
Her eyes wavered. He knew that the topic of death was probably still a sore one for her –it was for him too. But he knew that as long as they were in the middle of a war, the imminent possibility of death was a reality that had to be dealt with.
Shiho looked away for a moment, and he felt another pang of pain in his heart.
"Seriously, who are you? What happened to that angry, bitter, broken, useless excuse of a man I met in the Vesalius?"
Yzak did laugh this time. He still was angry, bitter, and broken. It was going to take a lot longer than a few months to change that. But the meeting with Dearka had been a rude wake up call.
"When we were at the L4 colony, I saw a friend."
"A friend? L4 is an abandoned colony."
"He's the pilot of the Buster."
"But the Buster's with…"
"The Archangel. I know. He was taken prisoner and ended up staying because he stopped believing in ZAFT. I don't fully agree with him or understand him, and I don't think I ever will. But there are some aspects about the military that I have doubts about.
He asked me why I'm fighting this war, and I couldn't answer."
"Aren't you fighting to avenge your friends?"
Shiho asked, the fire flaring up in her eyes again. He used to be so scared of it, but now he found himself looking calmly at it. He had to face it, if he ever wanted to step forward.
"Avenge, then what?"
She clenched her fist.
"We've lost so much, Hahnenfuss, but so have they. Are we fighting this war so we can cause the same kind of agony to others? So we can show them the same hell we saw? What the fuck does that achieve?"
"Well that's fucking wonderful, Joule, but I'm not a saint. I can't…"
"I'm not a saint either. I'm not trying to preach, Hahnenfuss. It's not like I'm over my friends' deaths, or I've forgiven the OMNI for everything they've done. If the Freedom's pilot was in front of me right now, I'd still probably try to kill him. But they feel the same exact way, and my friend unfortunately shoved that fact in my face."
The fire started to weaken in Shiho's eyes.
"All I know is that I think this whole situation is bullshit. It's bullshit that we had to lose so much, and it's bullshit that we are stuck in a battlefield when we should be anywhere but here, doing anything but this. And moping around won't make it any better. Even if it hurts, even if we're still reeling from our losses, we need to suck it up and move on. I still don't know why I'm fighting this war, but right now I've got 67 other lives I need to care about. I can brood later in my own time. For now I need to deal with reality and keep my team alive."
Shiho stared at her hands silently. He knew that there were a million thoughts going through her head. It wasn't easy to try to forget the bitterness and hatred that had seeped into every aspect of his mind. But there was no point in being bound by them now.
Just like she said, it was his job to know what the he was doing. She may not have realized it, but it was hers, too.
"Isn't that enough?"
"What?"
When she finally looked up, her gaze was steady.
"Isn't keeping your team alive a good enough reason to fight?"
And at that very moment, Yzak thought that bringing Shiho was possibly the best damn decision he had ever made in his life.
"'I'm not a saint, and I'm not a philosopher. I don't know if what I'm doing is right, of if there is some all-encompassing meaning to the war we're fighting. And frankly, I don't give a damn. But keeping the team alive is something I can do, and I'll give you all the damn help you need doing that."
"…Thank you, Hahnenfuss."
She smiled, and his heart skipped a beat. He had seen her smirk, or scoff, or even give a sarcastic laugh, but this was the first time he saw her actually smile. He wanted nothing more than to pull her into his arms. He chose to freeze instead.
"Commander? What's wrong?"
Her voice brought him to his senses. He felt blood rush to his face, and he quickly turned around in his chair. He never thought he'd be so thankful of those pivoting office chairs.
"That's…that's it, Hahnenfuss. You can go now."
"If you say so, commander."
She saluted him jokingly and walked out of the door. As soon as she was gone, he let his head fall freely onto his desk.
He must be going insane after all, he thought.
Okay, so maybe I'm not doing a very good job at writing longer chapters. But I try. I swear I do.
So 67 is the new magic number. That is a lot of people, I must say. I came up with this number by counting the AA crew in that one episode where Ramius addresses them before going up to space one last time. I actually counted about 80, but I didn't want to put such an even number -so yes, 67 is a completely arbitrary number I pulled out of thin air. Haha.
Thank you so much to all of my reviewers; you all make my day!
Seiuchi - Thanks for explaining the mystery of Shiho's alias! It all magically makes sense now, so thank you.
IF you have the time, please let me know what you think!