As soon as Cole and Cullen figured out where the source of the problem was, Solas, Varric, and I accompanied Cole to his destination. I was a bit surprised when he took us to Redcliffe, in a clearing where the Hero of Ferelden's monument stood. I hadn't been here since I had taken down Magister Alexius and thwarted his plans to make the southern mages his slaves and to erase me from existence.
There was a pair of men standing by the monument, chatting. The two men spotted us as we made our way up the slope. The first man, who sported a thick mustache and was dressed in dark brown leathers trimmed in fur, murmured something to his companion and approached us.
"Greetings. Can I help you?" He said.
At that moment, Cole went berserk. He darted forwards and pulled his left arm back in preparation to punch the man right in the face. The man cowered at Cole's feet, trying to shield his face with his hands.
"You!" Cole snarled. "You killed me!"
"What? I don't…I don't even know you!" The main exclaimed.
"You forgot! You locked me in the dungeon in the Spire and you forgot. I died in the dark!" Cole spat.
"The Spire?" The man said.
"Cole, stop." Solas ordered.
Solas's words had distracted Cole for a moment, which allowed the man to run away. He disappeared around a cluster of houses that were several yards away from the monument.
"Just take it easy, Kid." Varric said, stepping in front of Cole.
"He killed me. That's why it doesn't work. He killed me and I have to kill him back!" Cole said.
It shocked me to hear the venom in his voice and to see the fury blazing in his eyes. Never before had I seen him so livid before. It was quite disconcerting.
"Wait, if he killed you, wouldn't you be dead?" I asked.
"Cole, this man cannot have killed you. You are a spirit. You haven't even possessed a body." Solas said.
"A broken body, bloody, banged on the stone cell. Guts gripping in the dark dank, a captured apostate," Cole said. "They threw him into the dungeon in the Spire at Val Royeaux. They forgot about him. He starved to death. I came through to help, but couldn't. So I became him. Cole."
"If Cole was an apostate, that'd make the guy we just saw a templar. Must've been buying lyrium." Varric murmured.
"Let me kill him. I need to…I need to." Cole said.
I watched him as he slowly walked around the monument, in the direction that the templar had run off in. The agony and anger that were roiling within him was so strong that it was palpable.
"Solas? What do you think we should do?" I asked.
"We cannot let him kill the man." Solas said.
"I don't think anyone was going to suggest that, Chuckles." Varric remarked.
"Cole is a spirit. The death of the real Cole wounded him and perverted him from his purpose. To regain that part of himself, he must forgive." Solas said.
"Come on! You don't just forgive someone for killing you." Varric said.
"You don't, but a spirit can." Solas growled.
"Well…what do you propose, Varric?" I asked.
"The kid's angry. He needs to work through it." Varric said.
"A spirit doesn't work though emotions. It embodies them." Solas said.
"But he isn't a spirit, is he? He made himself a human and humans change. They get hurt and they heal. He needs to work it out like a person." Varric said.
"You would alter the essence of what he is." Solas responded, brows furrowed.
"He did that to himself when he left the Fade. I'm just helping him survive it." Varric said.
"Before I can decide anything, I need to understand what happened." I said.
"It seems the real Cole was an apostate, captured and taken to the Circle by templars—" Solas said.
"Who aren't known for their gentle nature." Varric added.
"—as the young man starved to death in a dungeon, his pain caught the attention of a spirit. Likely one of compassion." Solas said.
"Compassion?" Varric inquired.
"An uncommon spirit certainly…and all too fragile when its efforts proved to be in vain." Solas said.
This is an extremely difficult decision. By forgiving the templar, he will become more spirit-like and lose what bit of human nature he has. By working through his emotions, he will become more human and likely lose his spiritual nature. Either way, he will be experiencing significant change. If he were to become more human, he'd have richer experiences in his life and wouldn't ever have to worry about being bound against his will. Mortal life may be difficult, but there are many good things about it too. In enough time, he could even learn about relationships. I thought. If he does become more human, I'm sure that Varric would be more than happy to help him work through it. I'm sure he'd be more helpful than me, but I'd help where I could.
"Cole will never become a real person until he comes to terms with what happened." I said.
"Leave it to me." Varric said.
Varric turned away from us and went over to Cole, who was standing a few paces away from the monument. He had his back turned to us and was looking in the direction that the templar disappeared.
"All right, Kid. You want revenge? Come with me." Varric said.
Varric and Cole went after the templar. Solas and I followed from a safe distance. Solas's jaw was clenched and his brows were furrowed. I knew he was angry that we didn't take his advice, but it seemed that this was a unique opportunity to allow a spirit to become a mortal and to live as one. I did have my doubts, but change didn't have to be a bad thing.
Cole and Varric corned the templar by the shoreline. When he realized he had nowhere to run, he quickly became terrified.
"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!" The templar whimpered.
"Sorry isn't going to help him now, is it Kid?" Varric said.
"No." Cole hissed.
Varric loaded his crossbow, who he had named Bianca and never let another person anywhere near, and handed it to Cole.
"Pull the trigger and put him down like a mad dog." Varric said.
Cole took Bianca and aimed it at the templar. The templar was cowering in the grass, begging for mercy. It was difficult to watch this exchange. Was Cole going to kill the man and if so, would it actually bring him closure? Was killing the templar going to turn him into a demon? I feared that I had made the wrong decision. Perhaps I should've taken Solas's advice after all?
"Do it!" Varric said.
"No!" The templar cried.
I held my breath as Cole snarled furiously and pulled the trigger. I expected to see a bolt shoot right through the man's head and kill him, but that didn't happen at all. The bolt lodged into a nearby tree, missing the templar entirely. Cole must have had a change of heart at the last minute, it seemed. He had a clear shot at the man so I knew he didn't misfire.
"How are you doing, Kid? Do you feel any better?" Varric asked as he took Bianca from Cole.
"No." Cole sighed.
"You can't make it all just go away. I learned that the hard way." Varric said.
"Forget —" Cole said, preparing to erase the memory of the real Cole and this exchange from the templar's mind.
"No. He needs to remember. You do too," Varric said. "We're done here."
XXXXX
The four of us returned to Skyhold. Solas, Varric, and I reconvened in the chamber beneath the library, where the whole discussion had originally begun.
"For all we know, the amulet will now never function. Cole remains vulnerable to binding." Solas said.
"No he isn't. The amulet didn't work because he's too human, right? Maybe now he's also too human for that binding magic to work on him." Varric said.
"I hope you're right." Solas sighed.
At that moment, Cole came limping into the chamber. He was grasping his side and was breathing heavily.
"It still hurts. When do I stop hurting?" He asked.
"Being with your friends can make you feel better." I said.
"Come on Kid, let's go for a walk. It'll clear your head." Varric said.
"The Left Hand misses a friend with two different names. She's hurting, sad and alone, but…everyone can see me now. They remember. How do I put honey in Leliana's wine without her noticing?" Cole said.
"I can help with that." Varric replied.
Cole eagerly departed from the chamber with Varric. It was nice to see that he still retained his enthusiasm and compassion, despite his change.
"It's good to see that he is not entirely changed, however human he becomes." Solas said.
Solas left as well, leaving me in the chamber by myself. I was torn between being happy and concerned for Cole.
Well, it seems that Varric has adopted him so he probably won't even need my help. It's odd that Varric of all people would have their paternal instinct switch on like that. Dwarves don't access the Fade and don't speak to spirits. Their knowledge of them is limited. I thought. I guess there's nothing for me to do but get back to saving the world.
My heart started aching. I wanted to be the one teaching Cole and guiding him through this rough time in his life. He was going to learn all he needed to from Varric and there was no use for me.
No, stop it. There's no need to be envious. You are hardly a worthy teacher anyways. Varric will make sure that he learns all that he needs to. Your duties are to save the world. The ungrateful world that will forget what all you did to help it, soon after you're done. There is no place for a qunari in human society. I thought. You're despicable for thinking about him that way. You have Blackwall. It wouldn't be fair to him if you had even the slightest bit of interest in someone else.
XXXXX
(One week later)
In the morning, I ventured out into the garden. I didn't have to head out to Halamshiral right this second. That could wait. The sun had just risen about an hour ago.
I sat down in a quiet corner in the garden, away from the bustle of Skyhold's inhabitants. I needed a quiet place to relax and think. My quarters could've sufficed, but I wanted to be outdoors. I liked the sounds, sights, and smells of the garden.
I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply, and then let it out slowly. I repeated this until I felt my volatile emotions release. Being at the head of the Inquisition and having to make the tough choices that literally affected all of Thedas, I couldn't afford to be rash and overly emotional. I had to be able to make decisions without my thoughts being muddled by my inner turmoil.
When I opened my eyes, I saw Cole standing a few paces in front of me. He was looking at me curiously.
"He writes words that aren't real, but they are for him, in a quiet place whose stone shape shakes the ground." Cole said.
I stood up and dusted off the dirt that clung to my clothes. How long has he been standing there watching me? I guess it doesn't matter. I wasn't doing anything weird. I thought. Now that he is alone, perhaps I can spend a bit of time with him. Varric isn't the only one who can show him how to have fun.
"How would you like to get out of here? Maybe do something fun?" I asked.
"I don't know. I've never tried." He said.
"Come on." I said.
I took him to one of my favorite restaurants in Val Royeaux. It had an outdoor dining area and overlooked a beautiful garden. I figured he'd like it better than an indoor place that didn't have any natural scenery.
"Inquisitor, you honor us with your presence," A waiter said. "May I bring a sampling of fine cheeses for you and your guest?"
"I don't eat." Cole said.
The way the waiter stared at Cole, it made it difficult for me to keep a straight face. He had a lot to learn about social etiquette. Varric has his hands full with this one. I thought. I suppose it's like teaching a child. It's a good thing Varric has endless patience. He'd make a good father.
"Well then…just a bottle of a fine Ghislain White to start." The waiter said.
He took us to a table off to the side in the shade, most likely because of Cole. Other guests were already starting to eye him with reactions ranging from discomfort to derision. If Cole noticed, he didn't show it.
"Please enjoy your meal this evening, Your Worship." The waiter said.
Once we sat down, the waiter left. I hoped he planned to bring something tasty. I was starting to get hungry already.
"He saw me. They all see me." Cole said.
"Next, you'll be eating and drinking and…everything else." I replied.
"What else is there?" He asked.
"Bathing and…have you used the privy yet? That should be enlightening." I said.
"I find people when their pain leaves them open. I ease the pain and I leave, and they forget. That was enough for me. Now they remember and I'm not sure I…." He said. He trailed off and chuckled. It was the first time I had heard him laugh before. It was a soft, adorable little laugh.
"Cole?" I said.
"I told you about Rhys, the mage who could see me. My friend," He said. "My only friend, for a long time. Evangeline showed me that templars could be kind, but even she…."
"If this is troubling to you, we don't have to talk about it." I murmured.
"Gentle. You watch me walk into darkness over and over, and you always worry. Thank you." He said.
I felt an odd stirring within my heart. I quickly suppressed it before he could pick up on it. The waiter finally brought our meal, which gave me something to distract myself with. I took a sip of my wine and continued to listen to Cole talk. Listening to him was soothing to me, for some reason. Perhaps it was because his voice was quiet and calm. Loud and sharp voices jarred my nerves.
"But this isn't about them. It's about…when I found out I wasn't human, when I grew, I lost Rhys. I lost my only friend. That's why I was scared about letting all these people see me. That's why I laughed." He said.
"Are you laughing at yourself?" I asked.
"Yes," He responded. "This world taught me that changing means losing your friends, but now I know that doesn't have to be true. I have enough self to know that what I felt was foolish. Isn't it wonderful?"
"Most people aren't quite so happy to learn that they're wrong about something." I said.
"I might like being human. What do you think I'll learn next?" He said.
Seeing the happiness glowing in his eyes made him look so adorable that it hurt. I smiled warmly at him and he smiled back.
Perhaps I didn't make such a terrible decision after all. Changing didn't cause him to become a monster. He is still himself, just now he has the capability to learn and experience life as a human. I thought. I hope that no matter where life takes him that he'll maintain his child-like sense of wonder and happiness. So many people lose that as they age and they become bitter and resentful. I don't want to see him become that sort of person.
"May I ask how things are, now that you're more human?" I asked.
"It hurts. Everything hurts. Everyone remembers me now. I can only make them miss me for a few heartbeats. But, I'm real. More real, anyway, and I understand more than I did." He said.
"You're still able to sense the feelings of others?" I said.
"Yes, I still feel things. Flashes of their minds. The pain, hurt, all of it," He said. "It's not so loud anymore. I make more noise myself, so I don't hear as much unless I want to. I remember more things, though. It lets me learn. I sometimes see why something I said would bother Cullen. Maybe I'll do it less."
"What's the difference between you and a spirit now?" I inquired.
"Spirits are…they just are. Most of them sense something that interests them and stick to it. They don't remember much. It keeps them pure, but it also keeps them from learning and growing. I wanted to help people, but only knew enough to do it in the simplest way. Now I can see more. I also want to hit people a lot. Varric is helping with that." He said.
My lips twitched at the corners. Part of me envied Varric for being able to be the one who was guiding him, but at the same time, I was glad that he could trust more people than just me. I just hoped that he and I could remain friends for the rest of our lives, even if our lives took us down different paths.
"Are you still physically the same or are you fully human?" I said.
"I was always fully human. I can do everything I could before, except make people forget. The way I move comes from my mind, not my body. As long as I remember some of the Fade, it remains. My body is just like the real Cole's, except that he was a mage. I'm not." He responded.
"Why aren't you a mage?" I asked.
"I can't know for sure, but…the real Cole…his father beat him, killed his mother. His sister might have died, too. I don't know if that was real or what the demon made me think. Then the templars threw him in the darkness and starved him, all because he had magic. He thought that if he didn't have magic…I'm what he wanted to be. Him, but normal, so no one would hurt him." He said.
"Why can't you make people forget you anymore?" I said.
"Because I'm real. The forgetting was for both sides. They weren't frightened by me and I wasn't hurt by them. Making people forget was a defense against people attacking me and having what they saw in me stick," He explained. "Because I'm real, everything sticks. Whatever people think or feel about me stays."
"Can you still help people, if you can't make them forget?" I inquired.
"It's harder. I can't start over if I do it wrong, but seeing me changes them. They know a person wants them to hurt less. That helps." He said.
By this point, I had finished my meal and was comfortably full. It was midday now. If I planned to reach Halamshiral by this evening, we'd need to depart from here soon. Blackwall and Dorian were probably already there, waiting on us.
"We can talk more later. We need to head out to Halamshiral now." I said.
"If you like." He said.