Castle sat on the edge of his bed, his shoes discarded on the floor nearby.
He'd been home from the precinct for more than two hours now, and had finished dinner with Alexis and Martha a little while ago. The girl was still shaken and subdued from her work with Lanie during the case, and needed some time to process her experiences. She excused herself after dinner to have an early night.
After Alexis went upstairs, Castle hadn't said much either – and he was grateful that his mother hadn't pushed him. He had thought of talking to her earlier in the day, after he'd overheard Beckett in the interview room, but instead decided to simply walk through the city. He didn't think that he could bear the pity and compassion at the moment.
So it'll be our secret, Kate, he thought. Yours and mine.
His phone sat on the bedside table, already muted and with vibration disabled. None of the team were on call over the upcoming weekend, so there was no chance of a case, and thus almost no chance that Beckett would call him.
Text messages were another matter, but he hadn't checked his phone since he arrived home. He reached for the device now, pressing the Home button to illuminate the screen. The time display indicated it was just before 9 PM. A single notification banner sat in the middle of the screen, and the name beside the green icon was Kate Beckett.
He stared at the screen until it dimmed, and then went black.
Kate Beckett, he thought. Beckett, or Kate.
Just twelve hours ago, it had been Kate. Everything had been bright. So much potential, just around the corner. Finally, everything he'd been hoping for… but now it was gone.
A distant part of his mind remarked that he'd been very lucky. He found out just in time, by accident, and without having to be told. Without any awkward and painful conversation. Without even any acknowledgement.
He knew that, in the weeks and months to come, he would eventually learn to be incredibly grateful that he'd walked into the observation room when he did. It was almost enough to make you believe in a higher power.
And now it's… Beckett again, not Kate, he thought. Because Kate was no longer an option.
"She doesn't owe me anything," he said quietly, speaking to the empty bedroom, just to remind himself that he had no right to expect a different ending. He'd taught Alexis that lesson very carefully, in the hope that it would protect her in future. Affection or generosity never creates debt. It's a choice; a gift. It's never given in exchange for something.
He once again pressed the Home button to wake his phone, then swiped the notification and entered his passcode. The Messages app opened, showing the stream of texts they'd exchanged recently, with the newest one at the bottom. It had apparently arrived almost an hour ago.
You left pretty fast today. Everything OK?
He pressed the Power button to switch the screen off again.
"Everything's fine," he said, to no-one in particular.
Then he put the phone back where it had been sitting, lay down on the bed, still fully clothed, and reached over to turn out the light.
Beckett yawned extravagantly, and finally put the book down on the coffee table. It was Patterson's latest, and it was gripping, but her attention kept wandering.
She untucked her legs from the couch and stretched forward to retrieve her phone, pressing the Home button to wake the device. The time read 11:48PM. There were no messages.
An image of Castle's face swam into her mind, from earlier in the day. That strange, pale, dark-eyed look. A shiver of unease chased through her again.
He seemed so… great this morning.
He was focused, eager, and determined. Sombre because of the case, but he also took several opportunities to lean into her space and make a quiet remark, or glance at her meaningfully for a long moment, or brush past her at the board. It was their new normal; they way they'd been for weeks now.
What we've been building up to, she thought.
But then this strange shutdown this afternoon. It was like he was somewhere else, and when he was talking to her, he was… deflated, somehow. Lost inside his own mind.
There had been one point when he'd been in the break room, mechanically making more coffee, and she'd come in just as he was finishing up. She walked over to stand beside him, her elbow brushing against his, and she could swear that he froze for just a moment. She had glanced up at him, expecting a quip, but he was looking straight ahead.
He had just silently set her coffee cup down in front of her, for her to pick up – which was strange. He always took the opportunity to hand her cup directly to her. It was one of their things.
She had given him a slightly quizzical look, but he avoided her gaze, saying he should get back to work.
He seemed… I don't know. Thrown. Or in shock or something. But it was a tough case.
She frowned. He had said almost nothing that wasn't work-related for the rest of the day, and then he'd left instead of going out for a drink.
"He was just worried about Alexis, and shook up from the case," she said aloud to herself, but she was no longer sure that she believed it.
The room was pitch black when Castle woke up, momentarily disoriented. He reached out for the nightstand and found his phone, fumbling to illuminate the screen. When he did, he winced at the sudden brightness.
Blinking to clear his vision, he saw that the time was a little after 3 AM. He groaned.
After a few moments, he rolled out of bed and trudged towards the en suite bathroom. When he returned a few minutes later, he was unpleasantly awake again, and he sighed as he ran a hand through his hair.
He switched on a bedside lamp and quickly changed out of the clothes he'd been wearing the day before, slipping on a t-shirt he usually wore while sleeping. The loft was silent, and there was barely even any noise from the streets below.
Alone, his mind whispered, but he pushed the thought away.
He lifted the edge of the duvet, sat down on the bed, and picked up his phone, then he changed his mind and put it down again.
I remember every second of it.
All the progress he'd thought they were making. All the moments. The… warming.
Pity.
The weight of it settled into him, pressing down on his shoulders and surrounding his heart with a kind of insulating numbness. Suddenly, all he wanted to do was sleep.
He switched the light out again, lay down, and pulled the duvet cover over himself.
Looking up at the unseen ceiling in the darkness, he could almost see her face.
Doesn't owe me anything, he thought, then his consciousness once again began to slip away.