Yzak woke up the next morning with a splitting headache. He almost panicked when he realized it was already noon, but relaxed when he realized he had actually remembered to take that weekend off. It was his first break since the end of the war. Both in the council and in ZAFT, there always seemed to be a mountain of things that had to be done. Besides, he liked being busy; it took his mind off a lot of things.

Like Shiho.

But when he received Dearka's call the day before, he knew that Dearka would insist on drinking until they were both completely smashed. He never felt so sorry to be right.

He staggered into the kitchen and poured himself a glass of water. The cool water felt heavenly against his burned throat; he made a mental note to never take so many shots in one night. The last time he got mindlessly wasted was before the military academy. Those were fun, carefree days. He filled the glass again and saw his reflection in the water. If Dearka thought he looked like shit the night before, he should have seen him then. He grimaced and gulped down his second glass.

A piece of paper caught his eyes and he groaned. He knew exactly what it was: a notice that the Joule team was being reassigned to frontline duties again. He had no complaints about the assignment itself. The Voltaire was much more of a home than his empty apartment anyway.

But launching meant that he would be needing Shiho again.

Processing paperwork was a simple enough task that went somewhat smoothly even without her. Being out in space was a completely different story. There was no one in his team who could replace her, either as his aide or a pilot. As much as he trusted his team, he had no intention of returning to the front lines without his best pilot. He did not want to take that kind of risk.

He didn't even understand why the assignment was necessary. The PLANTS and Earth were at peace, if only for the time being, and it was insensible to spend unnecessary funds on the military when it could have been used for research. Or anything else that was remotely constructive.

It was complete bullshit, he thought.

Or maybe, it was about time. It had been twenty two months since she was transferred out, and ten since he talked to her last. There wasn't a day when he could keep her out of his brain, and he spent way too much energy being frustrated over her. Seeing Dearka the night before in his shitty ass condition was a wake-up call of sorts. He was tired of this limbo; he wanted answers.

No, not answers. Because he had figured out part of the puzzle, and all he really needed to do was to come out of denial.

He dialed the number he had memorized by heart. It rang three times before she answered.

"Hello, Shiho Hahnenfuss speaking."

She sounded so fucking collected, even when she wasn't being a soldier. He took a deep breath.

"Shiho, we need to talk."

xoxox

Shiho appeared in front of his door about two hours later.

She simply stared at him as they sat down in his living room. Her gaze was accusing, asking him why the hell he had even called her. But he had wasted enough time being daunted.

"The Joule team is going back into space."

Her eyes widened slightly.

"I know you are an engineer, and that you would probably prefer to stay with R&D than be a pilot again. But the team needs you, Shiho. I need you."

"You could have told me this on the phone."

Her tone was harsh, biting. It felt like they were back in the beginning, when they first met at the bridge of the Vesalius. But there was two crucial differences. Her hostility was not completely genuine; Shiho really was not a great actress by any means. And no matter what happened, he would never be able to hate Shiho again.

"We need to talk."

She looked away.

"There's nothing to talk about."

Her words stung more than it should have. Before the war, he probably would have thrown a fit and walked out of the room right then. But the war had taught him perseverance; some things were worth the pain.

"Is that how you really feel?"

"What are you trying to say?"

He inhaled and closed his eyes.

"Do you really feel that way? That there's nothing to talk about? That I'm crazy for thinking that we actually opened up to each other, that we shared anything? And anything that happened between us was just a fluke?"

"…Stop."

"It wasn't a fluke for me."

She returned her gaze to him. Her eyes were sad. Broken. Like Dearka's were, like his own eyes were. Even though the war had been over for almost two years, there were still wounds to be healed and pieces to be restored.

Simply living was part of his penance, but his greatest penance lay somewhere place, deep within her amethyst eyes.

"Then what, Yzak? What if I told you that it wasn't? What the fuck would that have accomplished?"

"Shiho…"

"You don't even know me, Yzak Joule."

"No, no I don't. The only things I know about you are your piloting skills and ability as my second-in-command. And a little part of what you lost to the war. Even then, Shiho, it wasn't a fluke. I don't do shit like that for no reason."

"You don't understand!"

She raised her voice, stunning Yzak. Her eyes were brimming with fear, with desperation, with emotions that had been bottled up inside her for much too long.

"I didn't want to care, I didn't want to get attached! It would have been so much simpler if I could continue to hate you like I did in the beginning, but you wouldn't fucking let me. I started opening up to you, and I couldn't let myself do that!"

Her clenched fist was shaking on the table.

"Then why didn't you push me away the night of the trial?"

"Does it matter? I'm not strong enough to live through losing another person in my life, so I won't. I should never have come back in through those doors."

She stood up, heading towards the door. For a moment he watched her in a daze, but sprung after her when he realized what was happening. He was not letting her walk away again.

"Shiho!"

He caught her from behind and pulled her into his arms. She struggled weakly.

"Why, Yzak?"

"Because I was terrified when I realized I didn't know you. Because I desperately wanted that night to mean something. Because…god damn it."

He turned her around.

"Because after two years, I still can't keep you out of my fucking mind."

She shivered under his arms. She slowly, hesitantly, reached for his face. Her hands were cold against his cheek.

"Another loss will break me beyond repair."

"Then I'll come back to put the pieces back together however many times you need."

Shiho quietly stared into his eyes. He could feel the blood rush to his face; he had never been one to throw cheesy lines around. That was exclusively Dearka's territory. The fact that he had just spouted possibly the most cliché statement in the universe was beginning to dawn on him, and he was just about ready to find some dark hole to climb into.

Even then, he didn't regret it, because he had meant every word he said.

Shiho smiled faintly.

"I must be going out of my mind to actually believe any of this."

Yzak scoffed.

"You drove me half out of my mind. It's only fair."

She laughed softly as they shared a short kiss.

That night, they sat beside each other on the couch and simply talked. They told each other anything they could think of: random facts, their life stories, their darkest secrets.

Like how Yzak loathed the color yellow, or how Shiho was a chocoholic. Or about the ridiculous (and mostly one-sided) rivalry between Yzak and Athrun, and how Shiho won a month of free meals in the academy cafeteria by beating the cook (a thirty-six year old burly man) in an arm wrestling match.

Or how Yzak's father was killed in a Blue Cosmos attack when he was seven. How Shiho lost both of her parents, her only family, in the Junius 7 attack.

The only point of contact between them was their intertwined fingers, and yet somehow, it was the most intimate experience they had ever experienced. And for the first time in a very long time, they both felt completely at peace as they saw the morning sunlight wash in through Yzak's windows.

I apologize for the fact that I have not been updating. At all really. I am on break now, and hopefully that means more frequent updates...

Thank you to each and every one of you! Merry Christmas!