A/N: Edit - after much consideration (and because I'm really close to finishing the last few chapters), I've decided to drop the rating down to T. There were things I thought I was going to add in that haven't made it, making the M rating somewhat superfluous.
Chapter Five: Do I Terrify? [Case Report: Kaidan Alenko]
Trial of Commander Kayleigh Shepard
Vid Log Evidence #0.00145M
[Major Alenko, 35, looks utterly professional in his Alliance blues, hat propped on one knee. He is the very model of military decorum. Despite this, he's guarded, as though suspicious of the courts intentions – or perhaps of his own intentions.]
TRIBUNAL:Major Alenko, thank you for being here. We know you have responsibilities of your own.
ALENKO: I'm happy to offer any help I can.
TRIBUNAL: You are among one of the few who's worked closely with Commander Shepard. You were with her when she eradicated the geth threat on the Citadel, weren't you?
[The lines on Alenko's face deepen. He swallows and takes a deep breath.]
ALENKO: I – yes. I was with her when she stopped Sovereign.
TRIBUNAL: And what was your impression of the Commander?
[Alenko pauses to give the question some thought.]
ALENKO: Tough, but fair. She made an effort to become close to her crew, but never at the expense of professionalism. She could be intimidating in her determination, but she was never reckless with the lives under her command.
TRIBUNAL: So you'd call her competent officer, then?
ALENKO: Respectfully, I'd call her the best.
o-o-o
When Shepard woke up, her head was brimming with horrendous visions. Every time she closed her eyes, it felt as though her head was liable to crack in two. Part of her, a very small part, wished she'd just let Alenko touch the fucking beacon. Then he'd be having the surrealist dreams and she'd be doing her job properly. Mostly, it was only bad when she slept. The dreams would play in a vivid loop, and sometimes weird people from her past would flicker into the unintelligible collage just for shits and giggles.
Mostly, if she had to be stuck with these visions, she wished that she'd gotten to Eden Prime sooner, moved faster, acted smarter. Why did innocent people always seem to die around her?
The mess hall was quiet. All the sleeper pods behind her were filled. Shepard had tried to sleep in her own quarters, but she wasn't used to a bed that big, or a space all to herself. For most of her life, she'd been crammed into quarters with a few dozen other people, falling asleep to the cadences of their breathing. Now it was only her, alone, and if she had someone to talk to, she might have mentioned how fucking poetic that was because really, she'd never been more alone in her life.
Or, well, okay, that wasn't entirely true. As a kid, she was exactly bursting with popularity, but back then it she had only herself to look after. Now, if her hunches were true, the turian psycho was determined to bring a fleet of sentient machines to the galaxy. Oh, and those machines? They were going to kill everyone. And, you know, the Council wouldn't believe a word of it – not that she could blame them. Shepard was hardly a credible source, all things considered. Grew up with no family as a semi-pathological liar. Her file probably had half a dozen flags about potential PTSD or something.
So with those images playing on repeat on the back of her head, she pulled up her omni-tool and stared at her open message. She was trying to figure out some way to contact Jenkins' family, though she didn't know if they were even still alive after the attack. Jenkins hadn't wanted to go home – would he have felt different if he'd known about the attack?
Yes. No question. The kid had been excitable, but he'd also been brave.
Alenko entered the room and stopped mid-step before continuing to the small kitchenette, presumably for his late night snack. Shepard had worked with biotics before, had seen how much they had to eat, but she continued to be impressed by the 5000 calories Alenko could pack away.
With a puff of annoyance, she closed down her blank message document and turned in her chair. "Hey, Alenko – you were close with Jenkins, yeah?"
He considered her query. "We weren't best friends or anything, ma'am, but yeah. We were close."
She almost didn't want to ask. "Do you know if his folks made it out alive on Eden Prime?"
Alenko's head was bent down, his shoulders squared. "I don't know."
"Fucking Saren," she spat, and Alenko swivelled towards her in surprise. Her face hurt from frowning. "I'm going to rip out his spine and wear it as a belt." Seeing her Lieutenant's face go slightly off-colour, she added, "Figuratively, LT. Really, I don't think a belt like that would go with my outfit, do you?" She gestured to her fatigues for emphasis.
The smile he gave her was adorable, all shy and whatnot. "Probably not, ma'am." He finished assembling his sandwich and came to sit next to her. "Why are you asking – about Jenkins' family, I mean."
"I wanted to – I don't know. Write them a letter. Apologize. Something." Shepard ran a hand over her shaved head.
"It's not your fault," Alenko said, and she could tell he believed it. "I meant what I said: you did everything right. Captain Anderson notified next of kin while you were out. I – I was in the medbay, so I don't know who he finally contacted."
She had a sneaking suspicion as to the reason Alenko had holed himself up in the medbay, but graciously let it go. "You're right," she agreed, "it's not my fault. But I don't want them to think it didn't matter to me, either. People have the tendency to meet unsavoury ends when I'm around."
"Like... Like on Akuze?" ventured Alenko, finding his sandwich fascinating all of the sudden.
It had been years since Akuze, but even hearing it mentioned was like a shot to the heart. "Yeah. Like Akuze."
She stood, not willing to continue this conversation. She was Commander Shepard, she was the first human Spectre, and right now, she might be the only fucking thing standing between the galaxy and imminent destruction. Until her objective was reached, she had to be more than herself. She had to be unstoppable, which meant no pity parties, no complicated emotions. Bottle everything up, Leigh.
"Enjoy your snack." She was halfway to her quarters when she stopped and added, "Thanks for staying on, Alenko."
"It's an honour," he said.
Shepard almost believed him.
o-o-o
Vid Log Evidence #0.00145M (Continued)
TRIBUNAL: So she never did anything during your time about the Normandy that would make you question her judgement?
[Alenko fiddles with the hat on his lap, brows pulling together.]
ALENKO: I can't say that I agreed with all the choices she made, but I respected her reasons for making them. We all did.
TRIBUNAL: Would you say her personal history had anything to do with any of these choices?
[Alenko's eyes shoot towards the tribunal, face a granite fortification. He isn't confrontational, not quite, but he exudes something like righteousness.]
ALENKO: Doesn't everyone's? How can you separate a person from their experiences?
TRIBUNAL: Are you saying Commander Shepard's past directly influenced her decisions?
ALENKO: I'm saying that the Commander sometimes had a perspective the rest of us sometimes lacked.
o-o-o
FWD:
Vid File –
[A shaky cam records the inauguration of Commander Shepard into the Special Tactics and Reconnaissance branch of the Council. It's shot from above, the opposite hand of the spectator occasionally entering the scene. Commander Shepard stands tall before the Council in full armour, weapons strapped to her person. Her head is shaved close, her expression blanketed in neutrality. She is flanked by Captain Anderson, Alliance, and Ambassador Udina.]
COUNCILLOR TEVOS:Commander Shepard, step forward.
[The Commander does so, her hands clasped behind her back. As the Councillors recite their speeches about the Spectres, Commander Shepard's face gets tighter and tighter. Her hand are bound together behind her back, fingers interlocking. These are the only signs that that she feels anything, and only for those who are paying close enough attention. As the Councillors finish, she bows her head towards them.]
COMMANDER SHEPARD:It's an honour, Council. Truly.
[The Council members incline their heads and make their exits. Shepard stares after them, even as Captain Anderson comes to give her a congratulatory pat on the shoulder.]
o-o-o
Nobody said a word in the cargo bay as Shepard emerged from the elevator. Not that it was usually a hub of friendly conversation, but today there was something oppressive about the space. She caught Garrus' eye, and he inclined his head slightly towards the weapons bench. Williams was slamming every component down with more force than was strictly necessary. Garrus gave a sort of shrug as if to say, don't look at me.
Shepard liked Ashley Williams, and though they didn't agree on several key points, she's begun to consider the Gunnery Chief as something of a friend. She wondered if those differences had become too divergent, if their budding friendship had been mowed down on Noveria.
It had been a contentious choice to let the rachni queen live. The Council hadn't been pleased either. That turian bastard Sparatus had kept the asshole comments coming, but she stood her ground, just like she'd stood her ground when Williams had doubted her. Doubt was normal – Shepard was having her fair share of it lately – but she didn't like to see her crew members so obviously against her decisions. The level of doubt and anger Williams was displaying right now would only fester and tear the team apart if Shepard didn't confront it.
So she put on her big girl pants and, gun in hand, wandered over to the work bench. Williams glanced over at her, frown deepening, and her forceful treatment of her weapons continued.
"Problems, Chief?"
Williams threw down the weapons parts, leaning heavily against the bench as if it were the only thing keeping her upright. "With all due respect," ground out Williams, "I don't know how you could let that overgrown bug run free. Last time, they nearly overran the galaxy." There was a surprising amount of anger on the Chief's face.
Resisting the urge to pull rank and shut Williams down for good, Shepard counted to ten and chose her words carefully. "That queen wasn't around for the rachni wars, Williams. What did you want me to do? Kill her because her ancestors were violent? Kill her on the off-chance she might go bad?"
"Yes!" exclaimed Williams, pushing off the workbench. She radiated righteous anger.
Shepard hmmed though she hadn't really expected a different answer. She propped her hip up against the lockers. "You know your history, Chief?"
"I know that the last time the rachni attacked, the council races nearly lost the war. They were nearly destroyed by -"
"I wasn't asking about the damn council races," interrupted Shepard, trying to sound stern but not angry. "I'm talking about us – humans."
Williams seemed like she was expecting some sort of trap. "Ma'am?"
"Before we ever found that Prothean cache, before we even mastered space travel, we were fucking disturbed creatures, Williams," said Shepard. "I mean, look at our history. How many tyrants have there been? How many people have been slaughtered for the sake of power? It's disgusting. By your logic, there are countries, ethnicities, entire groups of people that should have been annihilated on Earth because of their potential for destruction and death. Hell, we could still be punishing people for things like the Crusades or the Holocaust or whatever, but we don't – because their decendants haven't done anything wrong."
"That's not – it's not the same," said Williams, getting that damn stubborn set to her jaw that was becoming an increasingly familiar sight.
"It is, Ash," said Shepard.
"I have a family, Shepard," said Williams, clenching her fists at her sides. "I don't want my sisters to have to deal with this shit later on."
Something about the way that Williams said that pissed Shepard the hell off. Ten years ago, she might have punched the other woman in the face. Thank god she'd matured a little bit since then, even if her hands were still itching for a fight. Keeping calm was a priority. It wouldn't do to have her, a commanding officer, beat down one of her subordinates.
"I believe in second chances," she said instead, even though to her this was technically a first chance. Somehow she didn't think Williams would appreciate the sentiment.
"Some people don't deserve them, Commander," said Williams.
This should have been Shepard's boiling point, but it wasn't. She just felt weary, like despite being only thirty, she was some old woman with rickety bones and too many cats. So she sat down, which seemed to surprise Williams more than anything else she could've done. Knees to her chest, she asked, "Chief, how much do you know about me?"
Okay, correction, now Williams looked more surprised. She rattled off the statistics everybody knew about Akuze and the N7 program and whatnot, but still, the list was surprisingly short. Williams managed to be embarrassed under her still simmering anger.
"I don't have a family," said Shepard. "I never really did, so maybe I don't get what you're feeling. Maybe I never will. But I have been on the opposite side of the fence – I've been the one who's been judged. They had huge reservations about letting me into the Alliance when I first enlisted, you know? I don't fucking blame them either. I was a pretty messed up kid. The things I did... I killed for the first time when I was fourteen, Chief. Not because I wanted to, or because I meant to, but still, that's a life on my hands. I wasn't one of the good guys, by any stretch. And I was xenophobic."
Williams didn't say anything, but inched slightly closer, arms crossed, brows drawn together in thought now rather than anger.
"But you know what? The first person to ever give me a second chance wasn't human," said Shepard. "He was a turian. And this was only, what, thirteen years after the First Contact War? By all rights, he should've killed me. But he didn't." She was stern again now, meeting Williams' eyes unflinchingly. "And before you ask, no, I didn't save the rachni as some way to balance the galactic scales or save my karma or whatever. But I couldn't kill something just because it had the potential to be dangerous. If everyone thought that way, I'd be dead a hundred times over."
It was a long time before Williams said, "I didn't know, Skipper."
"Of course you didn't, Chief," agreed Shepard. "Not many people do. I'm not asking you to like my decision, or even to accept it as right, I'm just asking that you respect my choice to make it."
Williams swallowed thickly. "Yes, ma'am." She fiddled with a scope mod, pushing it around the workbench. "But... fourteen? Really?"
Shepard's chuckle was not kind, or happy, or even ironic. It was bitter and shaped with jagged edges. "Earth isn't a nice place to grow up when you're on your own, Ashley." And with that cheerful thought, she stood up and placed her gun on the console. "Now, I have to go file some reports – would you mind cleaning this for me?" When Williams shook her head, Shepard set it down and started away. She stopped short only a few feet away. "Oh, and Chief? Don't mention this to anyone else, please."
"Aye aye, ma'am," said Williams, eyes soft.
o-o-o
Vid Log Evidence #0.00145M (Continued)
TRIBUNAL: Is that what you would say about her dealings with Cerberus, Major? That she did so because she had a perspective we all lacked?
[Alenko falters for the first time.]
ALENKO: I – I don't know. She certainly believed she was doing the right thing. Whether that was true or not... I don't know.
TRIBUNAL: You encountered her on the colony of Horizon, didn't you?
ALENKO: I did. It could be argued she's the only reason any colonists were left.
TRIBUNAL: According to your report, she asked you to join her. Why didn't you?
[Alenko's distress is kept under tight wrap, but it's clear the question causes him some discomfort.]
ALENKO: During my time on the SR1, we came across some Cerberus bases that were doing... horrible things. I couldn't – I couldn't in good conscience be a part of an organization that treated people that way.
TRIBUNAL: But Commander Shepard had no such qualms?
ALENKO: No – she did. We, well, we discussed it during that encounter. Shepard, she's always walked her own path when she felt she was in the right. This was no different.
o-o-o
Horizon was now at the top of her list of most horrific things I've seen, though somehow, by the end of this, she was sure there was going to be a new champ. She wished that for once, her enemies would leave civilians the fuck alone. Killing people that couldn't fight back made her angry in the worst way. Maybe that was why she didn't miss an opportunity to waste those collector sons of bitches on her way to activate the guns. She bared her teeth in a fierce smile as the guns batter the side of the Collector ship, imagining – hoping – that dozens of the bug things were meeting their maker.
That smile was slapped off her face when it started to take off with half the colony. Instead of the white-hot anger that characterized most of the mission, she seethed with ice. She was going to make them pay for this colony, for Freedom's Progress, for Ferris Fields, for all the people they were taking, and then she was going to save all those people and get them home, one way or another.
It was pretty much the only thing keeping her with Cerberus.
The mechanic ran out, flailing his arms, shouting, "What are you doing! They've got half the colony in there! Save them?"
"I did everything I could," ground out Shepard, angry not with him but with herself. How many times did she have to be too slow? How many times before she learned her lesson?
"More than anyone else could've done, Shepard," said Garrus behind her, and she was ashamed at the amount of gratitude she felt towards him then.
That mechanic – what was his name? She couldn't even remember, so hopped up on adrenaline was she. He said, "Shepard, I've heard that name. Aren't you some sort of big Alliance hotshot?"
"Commander Shepard. Captain of the Normandy. The first human Spectre. Saviour of the Citadel."
The voice that rang through the courtyard made her stop dead. All that anger was forgotten. Relief mingled with dread. She'd thought about this conversation a lot over the past few weeks – what she'd say to Kaidan when she saw him again. Once, she'd considered him among her closest friends. They'd tackled Saren together. They'd survived Ash's death together. He'd mutinied for her. And now... now she was back after two years with no good explanation for where she'd been.
Kaidan looked... well, good. Better than her, but that meant shit. He glanced over at the mechanic. "You're in the presence of a legend, Delan. And a ghost."
"All the good people we lost, and you get left behind," spat Delan, flapping a hand at them and wandering off. Shepard watched him go, but not for long before turning her attention back to her old squadmate.
"Kaidan," she breathed, and he smiled, coming forward, extending a hand. She shook it. With Garrus at her back – and ignoring (like always) the looming presence of Miranda Lawson – she could almost pretend it was like old times.
"I thought you were dead," he said, eyes scanning her face. Trying to figure out if she was really her, if Shepard had to guess. She wanted to wish him good luck with that; she was still asking herself the same damn question.
Shepard took a deep breath and said, "I was. Or close enough. I've been out of the game for two years. Cerberus rebuilt me." She couldn't stop herself from grinning like an idiot. "It's good to see you. I could really use your help."
The feeling was apparently not mutual, because Kaidan retracted his hand like he'd been burned. That was bad enough, but then he stared at her like she was fucking Freddy Kreuger come to life. Suddenly, she was completely self-conscious of those scars that zigzagged her body.
"I heard the reports that you were with Cerberus," he said, backing away, "but I never believed them."
His disgust was evident, and somehow it made her defensive even though she felt the same way about her ties to Cerberus. "Wait, wait, hold up – you knew? And Anderson knew that?" She swiped her damned long hair out of her face and said, "That son of a bitch. He didn't say a word."
"Can you blame him?" said Kaidan, and now Shepard wasn't the only one sounding pissed off. "We heard Cerberus was behind the abductions. We had a tip that this might be the next colony hit, so they sent me."
"Shit on a stick," swore Shepard, crossing and uncrossing her arms. She wondered when her life had turned into a damn sci-fi soap opera, and when it would stop. She was a soldier – period. She could work with circuit boards like nobody's business, she could shoot a man dead from three hundred paces, but political intrigue and gossip mongering had never and would never be her forte. Hearing that everyone was keeping information from her, and spreading rumours and shit... It was like everybody was fifteen all over again, and Shepard was sick of it.
"Listen, Kaidan," she tried, voice level, "Cerberus isn't behind this. It's the Collectors – as I'm sure you noticed by now, what with the giant ugly bugs flying around. I am not a part of Cerberus. I'm just working with them to stop the attacks. That's the only reason. Period."
Once upon a time, her word would've been enough for Kaidan. Now, he just shook his head. "I can't believe I'm hearing this. Don't you remember the sick experiments they performed? Or Kohaku? Oh, hell, don't you remember Akuze?"
She didn't realize she'd punched him until he stood with his hand on his jaw. She stared at her hand like it didn't belong to her her anymore and, who knew, maybe it didn't. Her breath was coming out in short pants, but she managed to say, "Don't you ever – ever – assume I've forgotten Akuze. Do you honestly think I can forget watching fifty people get butchered? Those were my friends, Alenko." She didn't know what to do with her hands so she clenched them both.
"Then why on Earth would you still help Cerberus?" said Kaidan, and though there was a sharp edge to his tone, she could see that, just like always, he was trying his best to see all sides of the problem.
"Because I went to Anderson and the Alliance isn't doing shit! Those, those things are stealing our people, and nobody is going to stop them!"
"If you just come back to the Alliance -"
What she should've told him was that she wished she could. That she was Alliance through and through, just like him. That every night in that stupidly huge room made her feel like she was losing herself. What she said was, "So I can spend months going through psych evaluations while they find reasons not to believe me – again? No thanks."
Kaidan crossed his arms and shut down. "So you'll sell your soul to the devil instead?"
She couldn't help it – she laughed. Head straight back, full bodied laugh. "Kaidan, if you think Cerberus owns me, you really don't know me at all. Ask Miranda back there how well we get along." She jerked her head back in the operative's direction, and even without risking a peek, she knew Lawson was displeased. It brightened Shepard's day, but only marginally.
To his credit, Kaidan tried really hard. "Shepard, the Alliance -"
"Can't do shit out here and we both know it. Hell, even these colonists know – knew – it. It's why they're out here in the first place, so damn close to the Traverse. Alliance can't spit out here without the Terminus Systems readying their thannix cannons." She frowned and rethought that sentence. "That sounded really inappropriate."
Garrus admirably choked back a laugh somewhere behind her.
Kaidan was markedly less impressed. "I don't trust Cerberus, Shepard. I'm an Alliance man, and I always will be. I guess... Good luck, Commander. Try not to get yourself killed – again." There was a moment where he was ready to salute, but his arm fell limply to his side and he stalked away.
In a soap opera, now would be the time where she chased after him and apologized. Where she vowed she was innocent. Where she fell to her knees and begged for forgiveness, pleaded with him to understand. But Shepard, well, she'd never been anyone's idea of a fucking damsel in distress, and she wasn't about to start now. She radioed Joker and told him to rendezvous where they started.
She turned her back on Kaidan and kept walking, willing herself not to look back.
o-o-o
Vid Log Evidence #0.00145M (Continued)
TRIBUNAL: This tribunal would like to thank you for your time, Major.
ALENKO: Of course.
TRIBUNAL: We have only one more question.
[Alenko leans forward in his seat, eyes glancing at the clock.]
TRIBUNAL: Are you or have you ever been romantically involved with Commander Kayleigh Shepard?
[Alenko reels back in surprise, an unexpected blush flooding his cheeks. He scratches at his chin.]
ALENKO: I – no. Like I said, the Commander always kept relationships with her crew professional.
TRIBUNAL: But you were in love with her, were you not?
[Alenko shifts awkwardly in his seat. He stares down at his lap.]
ALENKO: I'm not sure I see how this is pertinent to the matter at hand.
TRIBUNAL: Please answer the question, Major.
[His hands tighten around his hat. His lips disappearing in a thin line. He opens his mouth. Shuts it. He glances up at this tribunal and stares them down. He opens his mouth.]
Next Chapter: James pokes his nose where it doesn't belong, and comes to regret it.