A/N: Thus begins our decline towards the end of the story. Thank you so much to my readers and reviewers. Also, forgive me if some of the headings/formatting look strange. This chapter was determined to be a nuisance. That said - enjoy!
Chapter Seven: Nine Times to Die [Case Report: Flight Lieutenant Jeffrey Moreau]
Trial of Commander Kayleigh Shepard
Vid Log Evidence #0.00857B
[Moreau, 30, is slumped in his chair, arms crossed, staring out unimpressed from under his hat. He scratches idly at his beard. His clothes are civilian rather than military, and its obvious he's taken no pains to look his best.]
TRIBUNAL: Flight Lieutenant, thank you for coming.
MOREAU: Yeah, yeah. Skip ahead. What do you want to know? Shepard's favourite flavour of ice cream? How she treated her pets? Whether she preferred silk or cotton thongs?
TRIBUNAL: We would appreciate it if you'd take this seriously. The Commander's career depends on it.
[Moreau scoots up in his chair, frowning now.]
MOREAU: So people keep telling me.
TRIBUNAL: You don't sound very convinced.
MOREAU: I just think it's idiotic that after everything she's done, you're listening to what others have to say instead of just looking at her track record. She ordered the fleet to save the Coucil during Saren's attack – does that scream crazy xenophobic terrorist to you?
TRIBUNAL: We're not discrediting her actions -
MOREAU: Good. Because Shepard is the bravest person I know, and she'd never do a damn thing if she didn't believe it was worth the cost.
TRIBUNAL: You're inclined to think so, aren't you? The Commander saved your life, did she not?
[Moreau goes quiet, face angry but contained.]
MOREAU: Yeah. That was such a great day. Thanks for bringing it up.
o-o-o
The Normandy was being shot out of the sky, and Shepard had no fucking clue how. They were flying stealthed, and they'd sent no communications for enemy ships to pick up on. There had been no transmission of their coordinates to anyone. Joker was the best damn pilot in the Alliance fleet, and the Normandy was his baby. Something must have gone spectacularly wrong.
She and Kaidan had been preparing to go on a survey mission to Alchera when the blast shook the ship. Looked like they wouldn't be getting those minerals after all. She rushed out of her quarters and to the hall with the sleeper pods, busting open the environmental controls panel with her fist. She rerouted power from all non-essential systems to life support and shields, just enough to give her crew time to escape. Kaidan appeared from nowhere as she's attempting to put out a fire that could fry the whole circuit and make her work pointless.
"Joker's still on the bridge. He won't leave the ship," said Kaidan. He glances over his shoulder at her. "I'm not leaving either."
There was a weight to those words that she couldn't think about. Over the last few months, something had changed in his behaviour. Some softness had crept into his words, and they'd spent more time arguing about omni-tools and tech systems. She could safely say that he was now counted amongst her closest friends, but she didn't know if Kaidan felt the same way or wanted more. She hadn't asked him either – they were marines, damnit, and the last thing she needed was to get involved with a subordinate, considering her career was pretty much the only damn thing she had.
So she grabbed him by the arm and said, "I'll haul Joker's crippled ass out of here. You get to the life pods – that's an order." She pulled the cable from the guns and used it to augment the distress signal, hopefully sending it far enough out into space that it would be received. She didn't want to have to wait for days on Alchera's surface, stuffed into the pods. With a look over her shoulder, she saw Kaidan standing there like an idiot and lost her temper. "Get the hell out of here!"
He went, and she was thankful. In matters of survival, it was proven that Shepard excelled on her own.
Another blast ripped through the mess hall, and she raised her arm to protect her face. She rushed up the stairs, and her mag boots activated as the air was sucked out of the pressurized room behind her. Her legs moved as though she were wading through the deepest snow, and she glanced up to Alchera. It was beautiful, but she wasn't looking to call it home any time soon.
Joker was frantically trying to save the Normandy.
"We have to go," she said.
"No," he said, and there was desperation there. "I can still save her."
Normally, if he'd tried to disobey her so directly, she would've shouted at him, but she knew that look of stubborn determination too well. It was too like her own. She knew that desperation, too. Her hand came down softly on his arm. "Jeff," she said, "the Normandy is gone. Your death won't save anything."
All the air rushed out of his body as he slumped over his console, and she knew how great a victory she'd won. The hull shook, and she could see the fuselage getting torn apart by some sort of beam. No time to be gentle. She hauled Joker up out of the chair despite his protestations and shoved him into the escape pod. The gravity field went as what was left of the wiring in the Normandy was fried, and the ground crumbled beneath her. She clung to the console, surveying the scene for some escape.
There wasn't one.
It wasn't a matter of being unafraid – she was damned terrified, because everyone who worked on ships knew exactly what happened when you were spaced – but there was this small part of her that felt only relief as she pushed that button, hearing Joker shout her name. This was her chance to atone for Virmire, for Akuze. To save someone instead of being the last one standing. To let someone else share in the luck, for a change.
But then she was flung from the wreckage and her fear came bubbling up her throat. All she could hear was her own breathing and maybe, just maybe, if she hadn't been about to die, it might've been a nice view. The oxygen started to seep from her suit, and she knew that this was it – the end – but she still fought because that was her nature. She grappled to try and close the oxygen tubes – she'd always been handy, always been able to find a fix to get herself out of situations like this, always been able to think her way out, to scavenge –
o-o-o
Vid Log Evidence #0.00857B (Continued)
[Moreau gestures with his hands now, face animated.]
MOREAU: Listen, I've been with Shepard since the beginning. The very beginning. I've flown her ass from one end of the galaxy to the other. I've mutinied for her. I've risked everything for her. Hell, I joined a creepy alien-hating organization with a yen for wacky experiments for her -
TRIBUNAL: The Commander asked you to join Cerberus then?
[He adjusts his cap with a bark of laughter. His mouth twists sardonically.]
MOREAU: Guys, if you think Shepard would ask anyone to join Cerberus, you haven't done your research.
TRIBUNAL: We have it on good authority that she recruited numerous persons during her time with Cerberus.
MOREAU: Well, yeah, okay, if you want to use the loose definition of join, then yeah, she got some people to work with Cerberus to fight the Collectors. But she made it clear from the get-go that we worked for her, not for Cerberus, and everyone knew it.
[Moreau pauses, scratching his beard.]
MOREAU: Okay, almost everyone.
o-o-o
FWD:
CONFIDENTIAL
ALLIANCE PSYCHOLOGICAL EVALUATION
Name: Flight Lieutenant Jeffrey Moreau
Date of Birth: 09/11/2156
Gender: Male
Date of Examination: 03/08/2183
Referral Question: Explore for presence of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, with the specific symptom of survivor guilt.
Medical History: See Attached
Discussion of Observations:
Jeff appeared argumentative and defensive throughout the interview, often using sarcasm and/or humour to deflect away from his personal feelings. While willing to answer questions about the mission to stop Saren and the geth, he resisted any urge to communicate about the events during and immediately following the destruction of the SR1 Normandy. Any attempt to discuss Commander Kayleigh Shepard's death resulted in immediate, sullen silence followed by a recounting by Jeff of Shepard's various qualities, all using the present tense.
Approximately one month ago, the SR1 Normandy was attacked by an unknown source – believed by Alliance officials to be an early prototype geth dreadnought. Jeff was prepared to discuss everything leading up to the attack: how the sensors were clear, the frustration of the crew at being stuck in the Traverse, how the stealth capabilities of his ship were operational. Upon being struck by the enemy ship's weapons, Jeff proceeded to use his expertise to save the ship. While the rest of the crew evacuated aboard the escape pods, Jeff remained behind.
He refused to comment beyond this point, except on one occasion where he uttered, "It was my fault, you know – I killed her" before once again resuming his stoic silence.
[...]
o-o-o
Shepard was on a war path. If she'd been a biotic, she was pretty sure she'd be tearing apart the fancy metal walls of the Normandy with her mind. She blew through the laboratory from the briefing room, and she heard Mordin call after her, but she ignored him. She enjoyed talking science with the salarian, but now was not the time. She was on a high fuelled by rage, and she wasn't looking to come down any time soon. She smashed the button on the elevator, tapping her foot impatiently as it descended to the crew deck.
She meant to head into Lawson's office, but the Cerberus operative was pouring herself a cup of coffee in the mess. During her Alliance career as a commissioned officer, Shepard had prided herself on being professional. But, as everyone was quick to point out, she wasn't Alliance anymore. Horizon had been a shit show, and finding out that the Illusive man knew Kaidan was going to be there... She could barely hear herself breathing over the sound of her anger.
Her hand came down hard on the counter, the slam reverberating through the room. The crew members looked up in surprise, as did Lawson, lifting one perfectly sculpted brow in Shepard's direction.
"Did you know?" demanded Shepard.
Miranda spooned sugar into her coffee. "I'm afraid you're going to have to be more specific, Commander."
"Did you know that Horizon was bait?" ground out Shepard. "Did you know that the Illusive Man let slip about Horizon to the Alliance? About Cerberus' involvement? That he all but lured the Collectors to Horizon?"
Lawson stopped mid-stir. She lifted her cup to her mouth. "No," she said.
Shepard was undeterred, rage twining about her nervous system. She took a step closer to Lawson. "Why is it that I don't believe you?"
"Because you don't trust me," said Lawson, suddenly angry – something that annoyed Shepard even more, because if anyone should be angry here, it certainly wasn't Miranda.
"You're damn right, I don't," agreed Shepard, and now she got all up in Lawson's face, like she learned from her time in the Reds. "And I don't play well with liars. So I'm asking you one more time – did you know?"
"I didn't know what the Illusive Man was planning, no," admitted Lawson, "but I know that if he did it, it must have been worth it. The intel we collected on that mission may prove vital to saving future colonies."
And because there was nothing else to say, and because Shepard didn't really have the energy to be polite, she said exactly what she thought, which was, "Bullshit."
With an angry puff, Lawson set down her cup and ran her hand through her hair. Those perfect blue eyes glanced at the mess hall tables, and Shepard knew that the crew was listening. She could hear them trying to keep up a conversation, Joker especially, but it was too strained, too quiet to be anything but a front. "Can we talk in my quarters, Shepard?"
"No, I don't think we can," said Shepard, and got some sick joy out of seeing Lawson's eyes go tight. "I think this concerns the crew, don't you think? The Illusive Man thought it would be okay to sacrifice a whole colony for intel. That might be the sort of thing his employees might want to know." She spun, eyes alighting on one of the crew. "Hadley," she called. The man in question looked up, obviously uncomfortable at being singled out. "How would you have felt if it had been Ferris Fields the Illusive Man had chosen as a potential sacrificial lamb?"
The man's eyes went hard. "I – Not pleased, Commander."
"Shepard -" said Lawson, voice sharp.
But Shepard wasn't done. The anger was riding her like a cheap date. "And what about you Rolston? Would you have been okay with your boss sacrificing your family on New Canton?"
Rolston didn't even hesitate. "No ma'am."
Shepard said, "Joker, doesn't your family live on Tiptree?"
"If the Illusive Man pulls any shit there, I'm crashing something into his house," threatened Joker. "Something big." Though his tone was light, there was something dark in his eyes.
Shepard gestured at her crew with a what you gonna do gesture. Lawson was positively livid, and Shepard wondered if this was going to come to blows. She certainly hoped so. She'd been playing nice ever since being pulled into this Cerberus operation, and she was getting tired of it.
Lawson didn't take the bait though. She held her hands out in a placating manner, like Shepard was some small kid throwing a temper tantrum. "Shepard, listen, I know you carry a grudge against Cerberus for what happened on Akuze, but I assure you that Cerberus doesn't make a habit of destroying colonies. We'd only do so for the greater good." She turned to the crew, opening her mouth as if to try and placate them as well, but Shepard moved in her way.
One way to piss Shepard off, as Kaidan's jaw would attest, was to mention Akuze. Suddenly, there was no joy to be had in taking Miranda down a peg. There was no satisfaction. There was only a grim ache and the scorching chill of Shepard's own rage. "Don't pull the company line with me, operative. I've seen your company destroy more colonies than the Collectors, at this point. You don't get to act all high and mighty."
"Certain splinter groups have broken from under the Illusive Man's control in the past -"
"Then he's not fucking doing his job," snapped Shepard. "There comes a point where someone has to be responsible. All fingers point to him. Either he set up all those experiments – including Akuze – and he's trying to cover his tracks by lying about it, or he's just fucking incompetent. I don't know which is worse."
The crew was so quiet Shepard could hear them all hold their breaths. Lawson had dropped her hands, face set in grim resolve. "Shepard," she said.
"If you try to justify Akuze in any way to me, Miranda," said Shepard quietly, "we're going to have problems. Problems that involved your perfect insides being splattered all over the floor. The Illusive Man spent over four billion credits to bring me back. Who do you think he would choose, you or me?" When Lawson didn't answer, Shepard allowed herself a small, unhappy smile. "That's what I thought."
Before she left the mess, she stopped before the assembled crew and unlike with Lawson, she set her hands gently on the table, hanging her head. "Cerberus might be footing the bill here, but I'm in the one in charge. I'm telling you all upfront: I don't like Cerberus. I'll work with them to save the colonies, but do not expect me to respect them as an organization. I won't be angry if you disagree, but I need to know if anyone has any problems following my command."
A few chairs scuffed back, and Shepard thought, well, that's that. So she was surprised when she glanced up and saw every one of her crew – and they were her crew now, in a way they hadn't been before – saluting her.
"Then let's go kick some Collector ass," she said.
This time, her smile was genuine.
o-o-o
Vid Log Evidence #0.00857B (Continued)
TRIBUNAL: Tell us about your supposed trip through the Omega-4 relay.
[Moreau's eyes narrow.]
MOREAU: There's nothing supposed about it. Collectors took the crew, and Shepard went to save them. Oh, and to destroy the Collectors as a fun side trip.
TRIBUNAL: The Collectors infiltrated your ship?
MOREAU: Isn't that what I just said?
TRIBUNAL: But not you? How did you manage to escape?
[Moreau opens his mouth and closes it. He attempts to make his face neutral and fails utterly.]
MOREAU: I hid.
TRIBUNAL: Your fellows were being taken, and you hid?
MOREAU: Listen buddy, I don't know if you've read my file, but I'm not exactly built for combat. There's only one thing I can do, and that's fly. Shepard was going to need me to get through the relay, and I – I knew that, so I hid.
TRIBUNAL: Very well. What happened then?
MOREAU: We flew through the relay and then Shepard ran into the Collector base and did what she did best.
TRIBUNAL: Which is?
[A grim smile stretches across his face.]
MOREAU: She kicked ass and took names.
TRIBUNAL: And the crew survived?
MOREAU: I don't know where you've been, but Shepard's the best. She got back everyone. Every single person. And then she told the Illusive Man to fuck himself.
o-o-o
FWD:
Vid File – LAZARUS302. avi
[An admittedly beautiful woman – dark hair, pale skin, vibrant blue eyes - stands before the camera. She stares straight into it, as though this were a diary or journal of some sort. Her brows are knotted together in thought.]
WOMAN: Progress is slow, but subject shows signs of recovery. Major organs are again functional and there are signs of rudimentary neurological activity. In an effort to accelerate the process, we've moved from simple organic reconstruction of the subject to bio-synthetic fusion. Initial results show promise.
Vid File – LAZARUS001. avi
[It's the same woman, speaking into the camera as before.]
WOMAN: Test subject has been recovered but the damage is worse than we initially feared. In addition to the expected burns and internal injuries from the explosion, subject has suffered severe cellular breakdown due to vacuum and subzero temperatures. Despite the extent of the physical trauma, Wilson assures me the subject is salvageable. The Lazarus Project will proceed as planned.
o-o-o
It had been a long day. Flight through the Omega-4 relay. Battle through the Collector base. Destruction of a proto-Reaper. Shepard's bruises had bruises, purple splotches covering the better part of her armour. Winning that had been good enough, despite the nightmares she was sure were going to follow her for the next week at the very least – but to top it all off, she finally got to tell the Illusive Man where to shove it.
So even though she wanted to sleep for a month, it had been the best damn day in ages.
There was a knock at the door. Shepard glanced upwards. "EDI?"
"Operative Lawson is at the door," said EDI.
Normally, Shepard would tell Lawson to go away, but she'd taken the operative with her to the inside of the Collector base. When the Illusive Man had asked Shepard to save the Reaper – the thought still repulsed her for the sheer fucking nerve of it – she and Lawson had both been equally appalled. That alone was enough to make Shepard open that door.
Lawson looked... nervous. Her hands were wringing together in a gesture normally exclusive to Tali, eyes downcast. She met Shepard's gaze, then looked away with an annoyed huff, running a hand through her hair, pacing the room. For her part, Shepard leaned against the aquarium, waiting.
"Shepard," said Lawson, "I owe you an apology."
Very nearly falling right over on her ass, Shepard said, "Excuse me?"
There was some very real pain on Lawson's face. "You were right. About the Illusive Man. About Cerberus." She held up her hand to stop any interruptions. "I won't say that Cerberus didn't do some good – our victory, this ship, you, that's all evidence of it – but..." Blue biotics swirled around Lawson's fists. "How could I have been so blind? I never thought that he would trade hundreds of thousands of human lives, and for what? An edge against the competition? The chance that humanity might be dominant?"
If Shepard had ever pictured this day – she never had, she hadn't thought it likely – she might've expected to feel some grim satisfaction. She didn't. That emotion she felt, it was pity for Lawson – no, for Miranda. Shepard knew what it was like to have your leader, the person you trusted, the person you to whom you were completely loyal turn out to be a fucking psychopath. It always hurt, to know you'd misplaced your love – loyalty, whatever.
"So I'm sorry," finished Miranda, lamely.
"Apology accepted," said Shepard instantly. Oh, she'd never forget that Miranda had stood up as – what did Jack call her? A Cerberus cheerleader? But then, she doubted Miranda herself would forget either.
Miranda only blinked. "Shepard – I..."
"I told a friend once that I believe in second chances," said Shepard. She pushed off from the aquarium to stand before Miranda. "I didn't give one to Cerberus because they didn't deserve one. You..." She paused, then held out a hand. "Make sure you do."
With a resolute nod, Miranda shook her hand, saying, "I will."
Shepard smiled. "Joker?"
"Yes, Commander?"
"Set a course for the Citadel. Tell the crew that drinks are on Cerberus."
"Aye aye ma'am," replied Joker over the comm, voice smug.
Miranda laughed, and Shepard couldn't remember ever hearing it before. "I don't think our old boss is going to like that."
"Good," said Shepard. She made a vague shoo gesture. "Go on. Why don't you go get some shuteye?"
The other woman didn't move, but shifted her weight from one foot to the other. "Shepard," she said, and pulled an OSD out of her pocket. "There are – there are things I haven't told you. Things you haven't seen. About... About how Cerberus saved you." She held the small device out. "About your resurrection."
Shepard reached out to take it, and couldn't shake the feeling that whatever was on it, it wasn't going to be pretty.
o-o-o
Vid Log Evidence #0.00857B (Continued)
[Moreau leans forward in his seat, more serious now than he's ever been.]
MOREAU: So I have a question to ask. What are you going to do to Shepard?
TRIBUNAL: We can't discuss that.
MOREAU: She's a hero. You didn't see her after the Alpha-4 incident, but she definitely wasn't cackling to herself like an evil villain. I don't think I've ever seen her more upset.
TRIBUNAL: Regardless of the Commander's emotion, we are trying her on her actions and her intent.
MOREAU: Well, her intent was good, I promise you. She was trying to save us all.
TRIBUNAL: You're dismissed, Flight Lieutenant.
Next Chapter: Shepard receives some unexpected news and tries to distract herself.