A/N: For the anon who asked about the mistletoe contest, you can find it here: www dot fanfiction dot net / u / 6149179/ Mistletoe-Contest

Fair warning...this might be a hard chapter for some folks, but fyi, only DISCUSSIONS happen here. If you have a question as to what that means or get uncomfortable at some point, PLEASE feel free to ask me. I don't mind spoiling you if it makes you more comfortable.

"Ah, shit."

Bella blinked away the lethargy of sleep and rolled over in bed. Her body ached from being coiled so tightly. She hadn't moved much from her bed since she'd hidden in it after running away from Edward the day before.

She was dimly aware that Emily, her roommate, had opened the door, but she hadn't gone anywhere. She was holding what looked like an envelope in her hand, her expression furious. Bella shuddered, fear curling in her chest. "What's that?" she asked, certain she already knew.

Emily opened the envelope and skimmed the note inside. "It's from the asshole." Her tone was acerbic, but her lips quirked as she read. "It's...not bad. Do you want to read it, or do you want me to read it to you? Or we could still call the cops, Bella."

"No. No cops." Bella shuddered. She knew well enough calling the cops didn't mean she was protected. The cops could make him angry, and there was still a chance he would just go away. She sat up, pressing her back against the wall and drawing her knees up to her chest. Staring at the letter in Emily's hand, she felt a rush of irrational fear, as though the paper itself would attack her. Her hand trembled as she reached out. "Give it to me."

Emily came to sit beside her, shoulder to shoulder, and handed her the paper. Bella took a deep breath, grateful beyond words that her roommate had been so understanding. She leaned her head on Emily's shoulder and gathered the courage to see what Edward had to say.

It was a short note written in an elegant, neat script.

Bella-

I am incredibly sorry about how I reacted yesterday. I won't offer you excuses for what I did, but please know I'm so, so sorry. I can't tell you how disgusted I am with myself for hurting and scaring you.

I hope you'll give me the chance to explain myself, and of course, we need to talk. Whatever it takes to make you comfortable, I'll do anything.

He'd left his number and address with a note she could call any time.

Bella crumpled the note in her hands, trembling hard now. She squeezed her eyes tightly shut against the tears and rested her head on her knees, rocking back and forth.

"You don't owe him anything, Bella," Emily said, rubbing her back.

"I know," she said, her voice shaking. She gasped with a strangled sob. "I'm so stupid. I'm so, so stupid."

"You're not stupid. There's nothing wrong with you."

Bella groaned, shaking her head without lifting it. "No, I'm a fucking moron. Why did I tell him, Em? I wasn't going to tell him, especially since…I mean, I hadn't decided if…" She shuddered, unable to bring herself to complete the thought. "But, then he was just there. And he was so sweet to me. He was sweet to me that night and last night until I told him. I just said it. I just said it out loud and now I can't take it back."

"I fail to see how that makes you a moron."

Sniffling wretchedly, Bella turned her head to the side, opening stinging eyes to regard her friend. "Because when I saw him, I wanted to believe it was going to be okay. He was so sweet," she repeated, her tone mournful. "But M-mike could be sweet too. I should have known better."

Emily hugged her. "It wasn't stupid to hope this guy wasn't anything like Mike. Honey, you know there are plenty of really great guys out there."

"Yeah, well. Either I'm an idiot, or there's something wrong with me. Two for two. And now this." She whimpered, her mind automatically shying away from the fact she hadn't really let settle into her head-the tiny fact that was growing bigger and more undeniable.

Out of nowhere, a rush of anger hit her, breaking through the terrible terror. She got to her feet and started to look for her jeans. "Do you have anywhere to be right now?" she asked Emily.

"No. What are you doing?"

"I'm going to go see Professor Whitlock." She was pleased that her voice didn't shake even though the words sent a thrill of fear down her spine. "I just...don't want to be alone right now."

"Sister, you know I got your back."

~0~

Twenty minutes later, they'd tracked Professor Whitlock down at his office. He sat at his desk, gesturing for both of them to have a seat. Bella was having a hard time tamping down an urge to run. This man was Edward Cullen's brother-in-law. It would be natural for him to be in his corner. She wondered how much he knew about what was going on, or what lies Edward might have told him.

His face was, as ever, open and concerned. And Emily was there. They were in a very public building with people bustling right outside. Nothing was going to happen here.

"I need…" Her words were timorous and Bella stopped. She took a deep breath, trying to calm the hammering of her heart. "What did Edward tell you about us?" she asked, tripping a little over the words.

The professor studied her, his face still open and compassionate. "He wouldn't tell me anything, but I've never seen him so upset."

Beside her, Emily scoffed. "Oh, he's upset. Poor fucking baby."

Professor Whitlock raised his head to look at her, but he didn't seem angry. "To say he was distraught was putting it mildly." Curiosity flickered across his face. "Did you hit him?" he asked.

Again, before Bella could respond, Emily blew up. "A kick to the nuts was the least of what that asshole deserved, and if I see him, you can bet your ass he'll be lucky if I stop at breaking his nose."

Bella stared at her friend, wide-eyed. Emily was tough, but she was also very kind. Bella hadn't ever heard her talk about anyone this way. Then again, there was a reason Emily empathized so much with Bella.

"Look, that...that doesn't matter," Bella said before either one of them could speak. "I came to ask you if you could do something for me."

"Of course," the professor said readily.

"I need you to tell Edward…" She had to suck in a breath. Her heart hurt at the words she was about to say. When she said the words, it would all be real. Really happening, and god, she just needed it all to stop. "Please just tell him there's nothing to talk about. He doesn't have to worry. He'll get what he wants. I'm going to take care of it," she said to her lap.

"Bella…" Emily began, her tone shocked. Of course. Bella hadn't discussed this part with her.

Really, she hadn't thought about it. She hadn't thought about much of anything. She just needed her world to be right side up again. She needed this all to have not happened.

Maybe she and Edward weren't so different after all.

"Please," she repeated, still not lifting her head to look at the professor. She needed to get out of there before her heart broke. She didn't want to break down in front of this man. She didn't want Edward to know. "Will you just tell him? It'll be like I never existed. That's the best thing for both of us. Please."

"I...Yes. Yes, of course. I'll tell him, but Bella-"

"Thank you," Bella said. She stood and grabbed Emily, hauling her up and dragging her out of the office.

They almost made it out of the building before Bella had to stop. She sat down hard on the thankfully-deserted stairs, close to hyperventilating.

Before they'd left their dorm, Bella had dressed similarly to how she had been when Edward saw her that first night. Some days, her clothes were her armor, her way of convincing herself she was strong because she looked the part. Today, she felt anything but.

She had nothing to show for two years of hard work. She was the same pathetic girl she had been, bowed and conquerable.

~0~

Later that evening, Bella was huddled under all her blankets and most of Emily's. Still she was cold to her core. She cried off and on, but mostly, she stared at the wall, willing her mind to stay numb.

She was too tired to sleep, and what a desolate feeling that was. There wasn't much she wouldn't have given to be able to slide into the arms of unconsciousness for a few hours.

A knock on the door roused her, and Bella tensed. She rolled over, propping herself on her elbow, looking between Emily and the door. Her heart hammered.

Emily closed her laptop and picked up her phone. "Who is it?" she called, looking at Bella with an expression that promised she would keep her safe.

"Edward Cullen."

Bella sat up, automatically wedging herself into the furthest corner of her bed and the wall. She struggled to throw the blankets off her so she was free to run, though there was no place to go. "Don't open it," she called to Emily when her friend marched up to the door.

"I won't," Emily said quietly. Then her expression turned fierce as she banged on the door hard. "You better get the hell away from us right the fuck now."

"Please. Two minutes. Bella? If you're in there. Please, just give me two minutes to explain," Edward said through the door. He didn't sound angry. He was pleading, not demanding.

"You're a psychotic prick," Emily yelled, banging on the door again for emphasis. Bella jolted with the sound. "There's not much else to say. Get away. Don't come back."

"Please, I-"

"I'm calling the police, asshole. Not the campus security. The fucking police. She's got bruises, you piece of crap. Don't think they won't haul your ass in for that shit."

Bella's breath left her in a huff. It was true. There were bruises on her arms where he'd grabbed her. She'd had worse, but she could get him arrested, as Emily had been telling her since the day before. It was what happened after the arrest that terrified Bella. The marks weren't bad and grabbing wasn't the same as beating.

There was silence for a minute. Emily still stared at the door with phone in hand, and Bella had her hands tangled in her hair, tense and waiting. He was still there. He hadn't walked away.

Sure enough, just a few seconds later he spoke again, his voice hoarse and wrecked. "Bella, please. Please open the door. I'm on my knees. I'm literally on my knees."

That broke through Bella's panic. His tone had set off every instinct she had to comfort, and his words brought an interesting image. Bella knew damn well he was a lot older than she was. Not ancient by any stretch of the imagination, but firmly adult. The thought of a grown man groveling in front of a college dorm room was...interesting.

Emily turned to her and raised an eyebrow, holding her phone out. "Do you want me to see?"

Stunned, Bella nodded. "Take your pepper spray."

Emily shifted her phone to her left hand, thumb poised over the send button where she had 9-1-1 pulled up. She reached for her keys on her desk and with it the pepper spray attached. She opened the door an inch, peering out with the pepper spray ready. She huffed. "He's not lying," she said.

Bella unwound herself, putting her legs one by one on the floor. When she nodded to Emily, her friend opened the door all the way to show her that Edward was indeed on his knees, heedless of the scattered college kids snickering behind him.

He looked about how he sounded. His eyes were red-rimmed and tortured. His hair was a mess. "Please. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He looked at her with guilt and shame written so plainly on his features, Bella had to believe him even as she told herself she knew better.

Mike had been sorry too, once upon a time.

She wiped a shaking hand over her eyes, stumbling a couple of steps backward until she was up against the furthest wall away from him. "Fine," she said, her voice barely a breath. "You have two minutes. But Emily's staying."

Edward got slowly to his feet, nodding. "Thank you."

He'd only taken two steps in the door when Emily stopped him. "That's far enough." She closed the door and pointed at a spot on the wall beside it. "You stay right there. You move a muscle, you're not going to be able to see tonight. And then I'm still calling the cops, you get me?"

To his credit, he took her seriously. In fact, the way he ducked his head when he nodded, he looked like a convicted criminal being dressed down by a prison guard.

Emily sat down at her desk. "Speak," she commanded.

Edward took a deep breath and looked to Bella. "I won't ever be able to tell you how sorry I am about what I did and for the vile things I said. You didn't deserve that."

Fury was warring with fear for dominance over her emotional state. Anger was easier, especially when he was right in front of her. "It's not like I don't get how you feel, but yeah, you probably should have used words like a big boy instead of letting your inner psychotic bastard come out."

He sucked in a shaky breath, making even more of a disaster of his hair. "But that's the thing-what I said...it's not how I feel at all. I...First and foremost, it's not my body; it's not my choice. I believe that absolutely, and it should never have occurred to me that I could demand things of you. I'm sorry.

"But beyond that, it...it's something I wanted, once. Something I've thought for a very long time now I couldn't have. I don't know how to explain to you what happened. I'm not a violent man, Bella. I've never touched anyone like that, let alone a…" -he closed his eyes briefly- "A pregnant woman. It was...panic, I suppose. I just wasn't expecting that. I'm not trying to make excuses. I'd give anything to be able to go back and react with some degree of rationality. That person wasn't me, and that wasn't who I'd ever want to be."

Bella tightened her arms around herself. "What...What are you saying?" She'd heard his whole speech, of course, but she was kind of stuck on one part. "Are you saying that you actually want this kid?"

"I-"

But Bella was already beyond the point she could hear whatever he had to say. "No, no. This isn't what I want. I didn't want to tell you in the first place. I was going to…" She cut off with a whimper and shook her head vehemently, curling backward against the wall. "I don't want to. I don't. But I have to."

"Why do-"

"No. Shut up. Shut up. You're giving me fucking whiplash. You tried to shake the damn thing out of me yesterday, and now you're coming in here with this whole 'I've wanted this for a long time' story? I can't be subject to your moods and whims. I need this to not be happening. I-"

"Bella." He took a step forward, but Emily was already across the room. She took Bella under one arm and pointed at Edward with the other.

"You stay there, asshole. Don't you come near her."

Edward held his hands out, palms up. "Okay. I'm here. And no, Bella. It's your choice. It's all your choice. I didn't know what to think. I don't know what to think, and I don't know the right thing to say, except that I needed you to know. I needed you to know everything before you made any decisions, because I don't want it to be about what I did."

"What else can it be about?" Bella shouted. "Oh, god. I can't do it again. Not for me. I know how this fucking works. I just got my life back, and you want to take it? Because that's what will happen. I have your baby, and I'm stuck. You own me. I want…. I don't want...But I can't…" She gasped, beginning to hyperventilate.

"I lost a baby, okay?" Edward blurted.

Bella looked up, still gasping for breath, but shocked by his words.

"I…" His shoulders fell and he slumped back against the wall. "I had a baby. Xavier. He got sick when he was five months old, and he was gone before he was one." He bowed his head, pinching the bridge of his nose and breathing deeply.

"It's not that I want you to...to terminate the pregnancy," he said, his voice quiet and broken. "I don't know how to explain what came over me. I lost my baby ten years ago, and it's been hard to be around kids since then. I thought he was my one chance, the only baby I'd ever have, and for a moment, I needed this not to be happening."

Bella clung to Emily, still staring at him, trying to catch her breath.

Edward breathed in and out again and looked up at her. "But it is happening, and I needed to be honest with you. That's the least I can give you, after what I did."

With a whimper, Bella broke free of Emily's arms and sunk down with her back against the wall. "Oh, god. You're making me a monster."

"What?" Edward said at the same time Emily said, "Bella."

Bella took a shaky breath, trying to find calm. "How could I do it to you? That's what you're saying now, isn't it? The worst thing that could happen to me is all that shit happening all over again. The worst thing that could happen to you is losing another kid."

"That's not-" Edward began, but he cut himself off. Bella saw the flash of agony that went over his face. It was true regardless of whether or not he wanted it to be. "I wasn't trying to manipulate you. I was just trying to explain that I panicked."

"Because you needed this not to be happening," Bella repeated, her voice dead. She was so tired. "You needed this not to exist so there wouldn't be even a small possibility you could lose that again." She sniffled and wiped at her eyes. "But that's what this is to me, too. The worst thing."

Emily slid down the wall beside her, wrapping her tightly in her arms. Bella rested her head on her friend's shoulder and spoke again, the words. Her pride hardly seemed to matter just then. There was no way out of this that didn't include her total destruction. She had nothing left to lose. "My ex. Mike. He tried to take this choice away from me. He took everything else, and this was the one thing. The one thing, and then…" She shook her head as her throat closed off.

But when she looked at him, there was horror, pain, and most of all, understanding in his eyes. He got it. He understood the impasse they were at. He too sat down on the floor on his side of the room, staring at her with a myriad of emotions flickering through his sad green eyes. They'd made a mess of things, and now it seemed like the only paths they had led to one or both of their undoing.

How could they do this to each other?

After a long minute and a silence as heavy as a cement mixer, Edward spoke softly. "Okay, how about this. Maybe we could spend a little more time together."

Beside her, Emily huffed, but Edward continued. "Let me prove to you I'm not the monster I acted like last night. It is your choice, and I promise you, Bella, I'll never blame you for whatever choice you make. But please, have all the facts before you make it. You have some time yet, I think."

"Some," she agreed, voice gravelly.

"You don't have to, Bella," Emily said softly. But by the tone of her voice, Bella could tell at the very least, Edward had made her uncertain of her earlier evaluation that he was an abusive asshole.

"I meant what I said in my note," Edward said. "Regardless of your decision, I'll do anything I can to make up for what I did."

Bella laughed without humor, covering her face with her hands.

God help her, she wanted so much to believe him.

She raised a hand to her arm, pressing purposefully on the tender skin so she could remember the bite of pain, the pure malevolence on his face when he grabbed her. She remembered the way her teeth rattled when he shook her. How he only gripped her tighter when she told him to let go.

How much she wanted to believe it was just a mistake, a reaction to an acute and extreme stress. He could have been the kindest man in the world and this pregnancy wouldn't have been a good thing, but this...

Making the wrong choice again after what she'd already been through could kill her.

The problem was, she had no idea what the right choice was or if it even existed.

She studied him through her fingers.

"One conversation," she said finally. "Outdoors. In public. I can give you that, but that's all I can promise."

Edward took a deep breath and nodded. "Okay."

"I'm going to tell you right now, you step a toe out of line, and I'll hold you down so she can kick your ass," Emily said, completely serious. "And then I have a boyfriend who will rip you to pieces without asking questions if that's what I want. Are we clear on that?"

Bella thought she saw Edward's lip twitch, but he nodded. "That's more than fair."

"That's way more than you deserve, prick."

"I'm not arguing."

A/N: Many, many thanks to Packy2.0, songster, and myonlyheroin for all their help and for painting my doc all kinds of pretty colors.

There. I feel a little better about leaving you guys here. Next update will probably be in around two weeks. Thank you so much for your response.