"What happens if my appendix bursts?" asked Tony as he drove along.
"What?" asked McGee.
"If my appendix bursts. How are you going to be able to summon assistance?"
"Tony, your appendix isn't going to burst," said McGee firmly.
"How do you know? I've got a bit of pain in my stomach already."
"That's the third burrito you ate for lunch."
"How do you know? You're not a medical expert."
"Tony, your appendix isn't going to burst," repeated Tim.
"How…"
"Because you haven't got an appendix! You've told me the story of the operation six times."
"Oh, yeah," said Tony, "but it's a good story. I remember that I was lying there …"
"TONY!" yelled McGee, "six times, remember?"
"Oh," said Tony sheepishly, "but it is a good story." He looked across at his passenger, "isn't it?"
McGee smiled reluctantly, "Yeah, it's a good story."
Tony smiled contentedly and then continued, "So what we will do if you break a leg? I'm not sure I could carry you very far."
"Why am I going to break a leg?" asked Tim, "why not you?"
"Because you're the clumsy one," said Tony as if it was obvious, "I'm a natural athlete, steady on my feet. Whereas you …"
"Me what?"
"You are not. Still we'll think of something."
"I'm not going to break my leg," said Tim crossly.
"There you go," said Tony, "you stick to that. Look on the bright side."
"Well, if you break your leg," said Tim, "I've got the perfect movie reference to solve our problems."
"Really, McGee? I'm impressed. All those years of me patiently training you have finally borne fruit. So what's the movie?"
"'They Shoot Horses, Don't They?'"
Tony drove a couple of miles in offended silence.
"So, McReckless," Tony said eventually, "what did you come back to the office for last night?"
"What?"
"You said you'd come back last night and encountered the glue on your keyboard. Why did you go back? Were you up to some nefarious deed?"
"I rigged your lamp to somersault off your desk," admitted Tim, "it might even do a double twist. What about you? Did you have anything else planned?"
"Your desk phone is going to start playing the national anthems of all the countries in the world," said Tony simply.
"You spent hours recording all the national anthems?" asked McGee.
"Nope. I've got a buddy works in international corporate hospitality. He's got recordings of all the anthems; he downloaded it for me. It's on a continual loop on a player inside your phone."
"I'm almost impressed," said Tim, "that'll be really annoying. I guess unplugging the phone won't stop it?"
"No. I figured it would take you a while to stop it."
"When's it due to go off?" asked Tim.
Tony looked at his watch. "About now. What about my acrobatic lamp?"
"Same," said Tim, "shame to miss it really. Bit of a waste."
"You know I swapped lamps with Gibbs, don't you?" said Tony casually.
Tim jumped in alarm, "Tony! You didn't, did you?"
"Relax, McTwitchy, you're the one who does the switcheroos. Hey, looks as if we're here," he pointed to the small town up ahead. "We'll pick up some supplies and call Gibbs. And get a map."
McGee and DiNozzo gathered their supplies and went to a diner for a drink and to use the pay phone. Tony gazed happily at the TV screen; he was suffering withdrawal symptoms already. After a drink and snack, they went to the payphone although it took them a moment or two to remember how to use one.
"Gibbs."
"Hi, Boss, it's us. DiNozzo and McGee. We got here all right."
There was no reply and Tony realised that they hadn't been forgiven enough that Gibbs would make any friendly enquiries over their welfare.
"We're about to go and make camp," said Tony, trying to sound a little pathetic. His efforts were wasted but Gibbs did have something to say.
"Army CID have been talking to Sullivan," he said, "he's singing like a canary. Given them some of the locations where he stashed the equipment."
"Great," said Tony, "email them to McGee and we'll get on it."
Silence.
"Oh, of course, you can't do that. I'll put McGee on," he handed the phone to McGee and Gibbs read out three sets of co-ordinates.
"Right, Boss. Thank you, Boss," said McGee.
Tony leaned in so that they could each hear and speak to the Boss.
"How's it going, Boss?" said Tony.
At that moment they heard both the opening strains of the Star Spangled Banner and an exclamation from Gibbs waft down the phone line.
"Boss …" said Tony, "I think we need to go now."
"That's a good idea, DiNozzo. And tell McGee …"
"What, Boss?"
"Tell McGee that your lamp jumped off your desk." McGee smiled in triumph. "Director Vance was leaning on your desk at the time."
"Why was Vance by my desk?" asked Tony.
Silence.
"Of course, there's no reason why he shouldn't be leaning on my desk. He's the Director. He can do what he likes."
Silence.
"Is he all right?"
"Ducky says it's just a mild concussion. He'll be fine in a couple of days."
"That … that's good," said DiNozzo, "gotta go."
"Wait," ordered Gibbs, "when you find the stuff, take it to NIOC. They're expecting you. Call back tomorrow. Might have some more co-ordinates for you." The line went dead.
Tony looked at McGee who had gone pale with shock.
"I knocked the Director out?" he said tremulously.
"Way to go, McDeadly," said Tony, "first Gibbs, now Vance. You've really got a death wish."
NCISNCIS
Meanwhile in the squad room, the Director was raising a quizzical eyebrow at Gibbs,
"What was that about?"
"Revenge," said Gibbs with a smile, "revenge."
Leon nodded as he looked at the ruins of the lamp which had spun off DiNozzo's desk as he came down the stairs.
"DiNozzo and McGee going to pick up the missing equipment?"
"Might take them a few days," said Gibbs.
"Why? Sullivan's given up all the locations, hasn't he?"
"Let's just say, I'm only giving them out a few at a time," said Gibbs.
"Let me guess," said Vance, "you're not going to give them out in order?"
"Nope," said Gibbs cheerfully, "they'll be criss-crossing Green Bank a lot over the next few days."
"Remind me not to get on your bad side," said Vance ruefully as he retreated away from the noise of the German national anthem coming from McGee's desk.
NCISNCIS
Tony made Tim drive to their chosen camp site. He wasn't sure he was in a fit state to do either but, at a pinch, preferred to trust Tim's driving rather than map reading skills at that moment. Concentrating on driving seemed to calm Tim down a bit and they arrived at their destination without mishap.
The light was going so they decided to pitch their tent first. Fortunately it was of a type that Tim was familiar with from his Webelos trips and they got it up without more than two bruised fingers and three temper tantrums.
They went off to collect wood for their fire and then came back to get ready for the night. McGee went into the tent to put the sleeping bags out and lay out their gear, leaving Tony to collect the food from the jeep.
"I'll start the fire in a minute," called out McGee but when he crawled out of the tent he was surprised to see that Tony already had a fire burning brightly.
"How did you do that?" asked McGee.
"McSceptical, I did eight years at different wilderness camps and then went back and did four more as camp counsellor and leader. I know how to light a fire. I also know how to make a primitive friction fire kit and can build a natural shelter to sleep in."
"Wow," said Tim.
"Oh, and I can hunt and catch a bull-frog. Not sure why I would want to, but I could do it."
"You never said," said McGee.
"McGee," said Tony with some incredulity, "I live in DC. When do I need to light a fire or build a shelter? OK, admittedly the bull-frog thing might come in handy but, really?"
"I meant that you never said that you were good at all that outside stuff when I told you about what I was teaching my Webelos," said Tim still reeling slightly from the picture of survival expert Tony.
"Tim, it's not exactly a happy memory. Spending all summer, every summer at Camp. Not knowing where Senior was … well, you join the dots."
"Why so much camp?"
"Meant Senior could park me somewhere. I guess he got a discount or something for block bookings. Give him his due, there was that time he took me to Hawaii …"
"When he left you in the Maui Hilton?"
"Yeah. Didn't work out too well so he didn't try that experiment again. Still, it meant I got summer work easily. I was a real expert by the time I got to College."
"You were a camp counsellor?" said Tim.
"Yeah."
"Hard to imagine."
"Why?"
"Well, you and kids. You know. Isn't always pretty."
"I'll have you know that I was great with homesick teens. My specialty."
Tim opened his mouth to comment but then closed it when he realised that Tony had, unusually, just shared something both personal and painful. Instead he said,
"Right. What shall we have for supper?"
As Tony had, so far at least, not trapped any bull-frogs, they settled for beans, bread and beer. As the light began to fail, Tony went back to the jeep and returned with a package.
"What's that?" asked Tim as he watched Tony select two long twigs and sharpen the ends.
"S'mores," said Tony, as he put a marshmallow on a twig and handed it to Tim. "Crackers and chocolate are in the bag."
Silence reigned as they concentrated on making and eating the s'mores.
"Hey, I brought something too," said Tim. He dived into the tent and brought out a DVD player. "It's got a super long lasting battery," he said, "thought we could watch some movies."
"What you bring?" asked Tony.
"'Life and Times of Grizzly Adams'" said Tim proudly.
"McGee! I'm proud of you," said Tony fervently.
"And then tomorrow," continued Tim, "we can watch this really cool DVD from the Science Channel about Impossible Computers."
"Great," said Tony with a bit less enthusiasm, "have another s'more."
They watched the movie for an hour or so and then Tony yawned and said,
"I'm ready to hit the sack," and then he added sadly, "and I guess that's what I will be doing."
"No, no, Tony," insisted Tim, "the sleeping bags are top of the range and I brought self-inflating pads to put underneath. We'll be fine."
"OK," said Tony dubiously, "well, I'm gonna use the head and then we'll hit the self-inflating pads."
Tony went off to the camp facilities while Tim busied himself putting the finishing touches to their temporary home. A few minutes later, Tony was pleasantly surprised as he manoeuvred himself into his sleeping bag,
"Hey, good job, McBadenPowel," he said, "this doesn't feel at all bad. Well done."
"Didn't want you moaning about your back in the morning," said Tim.
"Wow, thanks, Tim."
McGee looked sharply at Tony but could see no hint of sarcasm and realised with a jolt that perhaps Tony wasn't used to people doing nice things for him. Tim didn't say anything but just nodded in acknowledgement.
When they were both in their sleeping bags, Tony spoke again,
"Tim."
"Yes?"
"You need to know the DiNozzo rules for tents."
"You have rules for camping?"
"I do now."
"OK, go on."
"What goes in the sleeping bag, stays in the sleeping bag?"
"What?"
"No snuggling."
"I don't want to snuggle," protested Tim, "at least not with you."
"That's not what Diane said," said Tony, "I think you have snuggling tendencies."
"I don't have snuggling tendencies."
"The evidence suggests you do," said Tony portentously, "and I want to make it clear that you must suppress them."
"Tony …!"
"Suppress them, Tim. In the interests of tent harmony, suppress them."
"All right," said Tim, giving in as he wanted to go to sleep.
"Good," said Tony dozily, "I knew you'd see it my way."
"Any more rules?" asked Tim but there was no reply and when he looked closer he saw that Tony was already asleep.
NCISNCIS.
Tim slept soundly and was woken only by the sound of Tony leaving the tent.
"Tony?" he said groggily, "what's up?"
"The sun," said Tony, "I'm going to have a shower. It's a beautiful day, my sleepy co-worker." He bestowed a beaming smile on a bemused Tim and left.
Tim lay there considering the horror of a DiNozzo who seemed to have become a morning person. He closed his eyes to consider this unexpected turn of events and promptly fell asleep again. The next thing he knew was the sound of Tony whistling as he returned. He opened his eyes as he saw Tony poke his head through the tent opening,
"Rise and shine, McSleepyhead," he said, "time's a wasting."
"Uhh," moaned Tim.
"I have something for you," said Tony in a sing song voice.
"What?"
Tony came fully into the tent and waved a mug under Tim's nose.
"Coffee?" said Tim coming to life, "where'd you get it?"
"Marcie at the camp shop. She'd just put a pot on and she was kind enough to share."
Part of Tim wanted to groan at the thought that Tony had found someone to exercise his charm on and another, needier, part was pathetically grateful to have a cup of caffeine and so he forbore to comment further but just stuck out a hand and took the drink. Tony nodded with satisfaction and Tim felt a rare moment of accord with his co-worker.
"Get up, Tim," said Tony, "you're on breakfast duty. Remember I like my eggs scrambled."
NCISNCIS
"Nice save," said Tony as he and Tim stood on the other side of a wide stream.
"Saw it on the map," said Tim, "thought it would be a good idea to stop off and buy some rain boots".
"Good job, McScout!" said Tony, clapping Tim on the shoulder, "And now, McEdmundHillary, let us tackle the mountain ahead."
"It's a bit of a slope," protested Tim, "not Mount Everest."
"There's no poetry in your soul," chided Tony, "tell me again, how did you manage to write a bestselling book?"
"Perhaps because I don't use up all my energy in nicknames and exaggeration," said Tim.
"You may have a point," conceded Tony, "OK, let us climb this slight slope."
Tim nodded and they began to climb.
"So," said Tony, "do you think I could write a book if I channelled my powers differently?"
Tim huffed a laugh and wondered, not for the first time, how Tony had the energy to talk so much
"Should be some bushes up ahead," said Tim, comparing the map and the co-ordinates, "equipment should be there."
"Great," said Tony, "let's hope Sullivan was as good at map reading as you are."
Tim smiled with pleasure but allowed himself a moment to worry that Sullivan might have been either lying or bad at map reading. His worries were unfounded. They found a wooden crate in the middle of some young trees.
"They look like hemlock," commented McGee.
"You mean they're poisonous?" asked Tony in alarm.
"No, they're perfectly safe," said McGee, "in fact they …"
"In fact, I want to get back to the jeep," interrupted Tony, "save the botany lecture for later."
"But," began McGee.
"Isn't that some poison ivy?" said Tony, pointing to a spot near the crate."
"OK," muttered Tim, "let's go. But tree identification is real useful."
"Twelve years of wilderness camp, Tim. Twelve years. Any new species been found recently? Now, give me a hand getting this out."
The crate was heavy and awkward to carry so that even Tony ran out of breath to keep up a running commentary. When they finally hoisted it into the back of the jeep, they sighed.
"Only two more to find today," groaned Tim.
"Cheer up, McBreathless," said Tony as he recovered, "just think. We're going to visit the Navy Information Operations Command at Sugar Grove".
"So?" panted Tim as he shut the rear door.
"So, Tim. Just think. NIOC. Technology."
Tim smiled. Technology!
AN: so I looked up what people do at Wilderness Camp – and they catch bull-frogs? Why?