A/N: This came up enough that I want to address it really quick. Triggers do not magically disappear with therapy. Nor do they mean a person isn't functioning correctly as a person. There is no certain cure for a trigger, though triggers may change with time and conditioning. What therapy does is helps the person to recognize what is happening when they are triggered, why they are triggered, and how to cope both during and afterward.

It is because Bella's been to therapy that she tries to ground herself when she feels a panic attack or flashback coming on. This is why she understands what's going on when she is triggered (she has feelings for Edward and has now moved in with him-the only thing her psyche knows of men and relationships is what Mike taught her, so it's her unconscious mind that's expecting what it is used to: abuse and fits of temper). This is why she talks with him rather than be embarrassed-she knows she has to talk it out and she knows a person who cares about her will try to understand why the situation is triggering. That's part of how she copes.

Hope that makes sense. :) I just want to make it clear while it might be true Bella could benefit from more therapy (honestly, most of us could), therapy is not a cure. It won't erase the damage that's been done. It can only give Bella the tools to deal with it.

"Oh!"

Bella's startled yelp shoved Edward from drowsing into full wakefulness. He sat up straight on the couch, blinking. "What?"

"You're not at work," Bella said.

"That's probably a good thing. I'm not supposed to sleep at work." Edward yawned and stretched. "I called in."

"I didn't mean to wake you up. I didn't know you were here."

The nervousness in her tone made Edward's stomach ache. He hated the idea that she was afraid of him, even if it was only subconsciously.

"You didn't wake me up. Not really. I'm just being lazy." He wiped the last of sleep from his eyes and really looked at her, cocking his head when he realized she was wearing a pair of his sweats and a very old, tattered shirt with the NAU logo faded and cracked.

"I'm sorry," she said, tugging on the edge of his shirt. "I know I should have asked. You were asleep, and I was going to wash it before you got home. It's just that mine were uncomfortable." She rested a hand over the bump that was noticeable now, if only just a little. At twenty weeks, as slight as she was, it was still easy to miss, but growing.

Always growing.

Edward offered his hand, and, uncertain, she took it. He drew her closer, and she sat beside him on the couch. "They look much better on you than they do on me," he said, keeping his voice light as he played with her fingers.

In reality, seeing her in his clothes made him strangely happy. It was strange because he'd been up half the night and most of the morning, wracked with anxiety-a terrible churning in his gut that wouldn't let him relax. He was being dragged like an unwilling sacrifice toward the sacrificial altar, kicking and screaming; digging his heels into the dirt because he didn't want to do the things he knew he had to, things that were a long time coming. So amidst all that angst, the simple happiness he felt seeing her in his clothes was just a touch surreal.

But not unwelcome.

"You're beautiful," he said, squeezing her fingers.

Her cheeks pinked, and she ducked her head but not before he saw her smile. "I just woke up."

"I know." He let his eyes follow the line of her hair, wavy and wild. "You're always beautiful."

She looked up at him, her smile shy, and some quiet ache in him was soothed. Since arriving home, he'd been trying to give her space. Obviously, that hadn't worked very well. This tender closeness had worked for them in Forks; maybe it would be okay now.

He sighed and leaned in to kiss her forehead. "What do you say you call in sick with my mom today? I thought maybe we could spend the day together."

Her lips quirked, and her eyes lit with something that might have been excitement. "Do you have something in mind?"

"Mhmm." He didn't know why the urge to touch her was so much stronger right then than it usually was. He pressed the pad of his thumb to her chin and traced the shape of her jaw. "I want to take a roadtrip to a few of my favorite places in Arizona." He let his hand drop back down to his lap. "If you're up for it. We can get a super-healthy fast food breakfast and get out of here for a while."

Overnight, the house had become oppressive to him. He knew exactly why, though he was doing his best not to think about it moment to moment. Saturday. He would think about it when he had to on Saturday.

"Do I get to know where we're going?" Bella asked.

Her playful, if still a little shy, smile did wonders to ease the constant thrum of anxiety beneath his skin. "I'll tell you if you want, of course. But I'd like it to be a surprise."

She squinted at him.

Chuckling, Edward held a hand up in a placating gesture. "Nothing embarrassing. It's just a day trip. I promise."

"In that case, sure."

Edward vaguely remembered his college days-the last time he'd ever asked a girl on a date. He had a faint memory of the rush of exhilaration when a beautiful woman said yes to him. Just like then, Edward grinned at her acceptance. "Great," he said, feeling schoolboy foolish.

They were both showered and out the door in under an hour. As promised, they had a drive-thru breakfast on the way out of town.

Flagstaff was tucked into the middle of the world's largest Ponderosa Pine forest. It was a mountain town where the temperature got below freezing in the winter and rarely above ninety degrees in the summer.

Not that far out of Flagstaff, the towering pine trees gave way to scrub bushes and the deep green of a forest floor of pine needles turned to patches of dirt and grass.

As he drove, Edward and Bella chatted as easily as they'd always been able to. The drive wasn't very long, only about an hour, before they reached their first stop.

"Montezuma's Well?" Bella read the sign as they got off the highway. "That sounds...important."

"It's a stupid name. Montezuma never came here," Edward said. "This place doesn't get as much attention as Montezuma's Castle, which again has nothing to do with Montezuma. There are cliff dwellings of the Sinagua just few miles that way." He nodded in the right direction. "We can go there after this if you want, but this might be my favorite place in Arizona."

When they got out of the car, Edward offered his hand to Bella before he thought about what he was doing. It was a natural reaction. Before he could take it back, she slipped her hand in his, smiling again in that way that sent warmth through him.

It was odd to share these things with her, especially given some of the things he wanted to say to her today. Odd but also nice.

The trail was neither long nor particularly steep. As Edward had suspected, there were only a few other people milling around. Bella didn't seem interested in reading any of the displays set up by the National Park Service. Instead, she listened intently as Edward gave the little bit of history he knew about the place and a race of people who'd disappeared without a trace.

The well itself was pretty but underwhelming. It was a natural sinkhole filled by an underground spring.

"This is your favorite place?" Bella asked.

She sounded like she was trying hard to understand, but she couldn't help but be perplexed. Edward smirked. "No. My favorite place is just over here."

He led them down the other side of the trail, out of sight of the well. The trail led them to an oasis of green trees. A creek was visible through the trees a little below the rock, but what made the place truly special was the place where the spring came above ground, hugging the cliffside for a precious few yards before it disappeared into the rocks again. It was a thin rivulet and not very deep. The water was crystal clear.

"How pretty," Bella said, her eyes following the bend of the water along the rock.

"Take your sandals off."

Bella looked up at him, arching an eyebrow.

"Trust me," Edward said, kicking his sandals off when she did.

"Are we supposed to be doing this?" Bella asked, clinging to his hand as he helped her step into the little space.

Strictly speaking, she didn't need his assistance. The water wouldn't reach past their ankles and it was literally right beside the trail. But he wanted to steady her, and she didn't seem to want to protest. "No one's going to care."

She gasped. "The water's cold."

"Nice, right?" Edward said, climbing in beside her. The outlet wasn't big at all. The small space they were in was about the only place two adults could stand together, and they had to be fairly close to each other. "It's pure water, too. Drinkably clean."

"Except for our dirty feet," Bella said, laughing. "I like this. It's like the tiniest, safest river in the world. You can feel the water rushing, but not even a drunken frat boy could drown in this."

"If you ask my mom, I'm sure she has pictures of Alice, Emmett and me playing here."

"I can see that. It's perfect for kiddos."

Edward's heart twisted, and a lump rose to his throat. "Yeah," he said, the word thick. He swallowed several times, fighting the urge to withdraw. The whole point of this little trip was for him to try to open up to her. "I came up here with Kate after we found out she was pregnant," he said, letting Bella lean on him as she stepped out of the water again. "She never liked it here as much as I did, but that day, she was really excited." Again, he had to stop to swallow, the words and his lost hopes choking him. "She talked about how a year from then-it was summer then too-we'd have our baby. He'd be seven or eight months old, and we could help him stand in the water."

Bella didn't say anything, but she threaded their fingers more tightly together and squeezed.

It was enough to keep the bitterness inside him from getting too big for him to breathe around. He looked down, not letting go of her hand as he put his sandals back on. "She suggested it once-that we bring him here. I indulged them a lot-Kate and my family, I mean. They were all about giving Xavier as many experiences as we possibly could, but come on-he wasn't even a year old when he died. He had no concrete memory. If we'd brought him here, he might enjoy the water, but he liked his bathwater, too."

He let go of her. He was getting angry, and he didn't want to stress her out. He walked a few paces away, trying to calm down.

Bella followed him and tentatively put a hand on his back. "I think the point of that wasn't for him. It was for them and you. You're the ones who got to keep all those memories. I think she was really asking if you wanted memories of him here."

Edward's shoulders went rigid, and he had to work to keep his breath even. Guilt coiled in his stomach, but he didn't know what to do with it.

"Hey." Bella worked her fingers into his clenched fist. "I think...If maybe you didn't want memories of him here, I think that's okay."

"Is it?" he asked; his voice rough as he looked out over the landscape that was usually so peaceful to him.

"Yeah." She tugged on his hand. "Most of your memories of him are sad, aren't they? They can be good and sad at the same time."

"Good but sad." He huffed. "Some of my memories are good but sad. A lot of them..." He worked to unclench his jaw. "Sad is the best thing I can say about what they were."

"I'm sorry." Her hands were soft against his back, pressing against his spine. "I'm sorry your memories hurt so much, but see, that's why I think it's okay that you didn't bring him here. This is your favorite place. It's not that you didn't want to share it with your son. I'm sure there were so many things you wanted to share with him that you never got the chance to. Given all that, I think it'd be understandable if you didn't want bittersweet memories in your favorite place. You want only good memories here." She ducked her head, stepping in front of him so she could look up into his eyes. "You're only human."

For a few seconds, Edward was frozen, his body unable to decide just how he wanted to express the excess of emotion roiling in him. Then, he pulled Bella to him, crushing her into a tight hug.

"Sorry," he said, letting her go almost as soon as he hugged her. His reaction had been the polar opposite of gentle, and the last thing he wanted to do was scare her again.

"No, it's okay." Bella stepped back to him and wrapped her arms around his waist.

He sighed, taking her face in his hands so he could look at her. "How do you see these things? How do you find the words?"

She looked back at him with eyes that had seen too much, and he had his answer. For the millionth time, he wished so much he could take away the pain that had given her this kind of insight into people. Somehow, he knew she was on the same page, wishing that she could take the bitterness out of his memories and leave only the sweet behind.

He looked at her, running his thumb over her lips. This beautiful girl who could put words to the nameless pain of his broken heart. Wasn't how this had all begun? With this connection to a perfect stranger? Was this what had made him seek her out that night? Not professional admiration, but his soul's recognition of the one person who would just understand him?

With a shuddering breath, Edward closed his eyes. He tilted his head and kissed her. It was a serious kiss, lingering and deep. She whimpered, not in distress, but with a sigh he caught with his mouth. Her body responded, pressing into his, and he held her tighter.

In that kiss was another truth-he'd missed her. They may have been in the same house, but for the last three weeks, they may as well have been on different planets. He'd missed holding her like this, touching her. He'd missed the way she felt in his arms.

His head spun, and Edward was all too aware of the summer heat on his skin. With a small groan, he pulled away, though he didn't let her go. Neither did she. They stood together for a minute, still tangled in each other's embrace.

Holy hell, her eyes were chaotic. Lust-dark but confused. Edward licked his lips, resisting the urge to groan.

He had the crazy urge to trail kisses in a line to her ear so he could whisper that he wanted her. He did. So much. She was in his head, and it was desire approaching a need to be inside her altogether. That was just symmetry, wasn't it?

Maybe it was lucky that a family with two youngsters came tromping down the steps on the trail just then. Edward took a step back, though he kept his arm around Bella's waist as they walked again.

It only took a few minutes to get back to the car. Rather than open her door for her, Edward pushed her gently up against the car and kissed her again. This kiss was softer-chaster and careful. "For the record, Bella?" He stroked his fingertips along the side of her neck. "I'm glad I got to share this place with you."

~0~

They did end up going to Montezuma's Castle. There wasn't much to it. The dwelling was neat to look at, but inaccessible. Walnut Canyon, five minutes outside of Flagstaff, was home to cliff ruins that, while less impressive, were actually accessible. Edward told Bella about a children's book series he'd read about a kid who'd gone back in time, to the time of his ancestors, and ended up living in the canyon when the cliff-side homes were new.

"In the book, they talked about how they hung the umbilical cord at the top of the front door. Like mistletoe or something," Edward said. "I don't know why that part creeped me out. I could never go in those ruins without trying to see if there was dried up umbilical cords still hanging up there."

Bella giggled, leaning into his side as they walked along. She sighed and leaned her head against his shoulder. "It's like having a really big backyard growing up here, isn't it?"

"Mmm. Yeah. Walnut Canyon and Sunset Crater within spitting distance? The Grand Canyon is about an hour away. The Painted Desert. Lake Havasu. Tombstone. They're all day trips."

"Sounds like fun."

"It was a nice way to grow up."

Bella didn't say anything to that, but he saw her brush her fingers over her bump. He had the impulse to tell her they would go to all those places. Her, him, and the baby. But the words tangled in his mouth and made his stomach churn.

He couldn't say those words. There were a lot of reasons why he couldn't say them yet.

First steps, he reminded himself as they got back in the car.

"What's next?" Bella asked with an eager smile.

"What? That wasn't enough for you?"

Her smile fell, but only slightly. "Oh, yeah. That was great. It's just barely going to be noon."

"Well, if you're going to demand more adventure-"

"I'm not demanding!"

He grinned at her, and she smiled back, both of them teasing. "Okay, you're right. How do you feel about ghost towns?"

She furrowed her brow. "They sound spooky?"

"Jerome isn't spooky." He cleared his throat and put on what she'd dubbed as his historic-tram operator voice. "Jerome began its life as a mining town. In its heyday, more than 15,000 people lived there. Today, it is America's largest ghost town at a whopping total of 444 residents."

"And I thought Forks was bad."

"Not to insult your hometown pride or anything, but for being in a place as gorgeous as the Pacific Northwest, Forks is a very ugly little town. It's just...not picturesque at all."

"Jerome is?"

"You'll see."

Jerome was a town cut into the Black Hills. It made for a pretty picture, and it wasn't at all rundown. Still, it did have that eerie echo of a city that should have been bustling and simply wasn't.

They had a quick lunch, and then Edward let Bella lead. He was amused when she was drawn to Nellie Bly-a mostly kaleidoscope shop.

"What's so funny?" Bella asked when he snickered.

"It's nothing, really," he said, somewhat surprised that his memories here didn't carry any bitterness to them at all.

"Tell me," she said, tugging on his hand.

He pursed his lips, considering. It seemed to go against popular wisdom to talk about happier times with his ex-wife when he was with his…

His Bella.

"It's just that this was Kate's favorite place in Arizona. Jerome in general, but this shop in particular." He watched her as he spoke, though he didn't know what he was looking for. Jealousy? Discomfort.

He saw only curiosity in her eyes. "I can't blame her. This shop is great."

Edward stood back, enjoying being the casual observer, watching. He covered his mouth to smother a laugh when Bella took one look at the price tag and took a physical step backward, her hands up as though she was sure she was going to break something.

They were very fancy kaleidoscopes.

After a few minutes, though, she got braver and actually touched several of the kaleidoscopes, running her fingertips along the unique shapes and discs with vibrant colors.

Later, when she was distracted at a fake-University novelty t-shirt shop, he ran back a few doors to Nellie Bly and bought one of the ones she'd pointed out to him. She'd been amused because the placard by the thing said the wood used on this particular line came from a shop in the Pacific Northwest. The body of the kaleidoscope was rectangular, each side carved in intricate patterns. The end was simpler-colored glass and anodized wire-but the effect was beautiful.

He knew she was going to tell him it was too expensive, but to hell with it. Despite his tension the night before, today had been a good day. A really good day. He was…

Happy.

If only for these few hours, he was just happy. And buying her this would make him happier, he thought. He didn't really know. It was an impulse. When was the last time he'd acted on an impulse?

Well, probably when he had the impulse to talk to the poet girl who'd been killing him softly.

Edward sighed, second guessing the gift as he hid it away in the car. "What are you doing, Cullen?" he muttered to himself. He turned the boxed up kaleidoscope over and over in his hands.

Fuck it.

Tucking it into a safe corner, Edward closed the trunk and went to go find Bella.

A/N: In case you're curious, you can do a Google image search for "Montezuma's Well outlet" if you want to see the place I wrote about. It's very cute and peaceful.

Thank you to Packy 2.0, songster, barburella, jessypt, myonlyheroin, and Capricorn75. My docs were a real party this time around.

And again, I want to thank everyone who has left me messages of encouragement It's been a very difficult time for me, but I think I'm on an upswing now. 3 I'm off to Vegas this weekend with my best friend, so that will help, I hope. Thank you again. You're all such sweethearts.