17. Unforgivable Sinner – Lene Marlin
Seto reached for them in his dreams, but when he awoke it was always just him in a darkened room. He stared at the ceiling or the walls, sometimes rising to pace in an effort to tire himself into a dreamless sleep. Matters of state called for his attention, and he often found his lids closing during daylight hours when faced with these things. As the new Pharaoh, he was responsible for so much, yet what occupied his tired mind was not his position, nor his power or the people who depended on him. He thought only of his cousin and the foreigner girl, both dead now, their blood staining his own hands as though he had slit both their throats himself to benefit from their deaths.
He didn't think of his father. He should have, he knew, but he didn't. His real father, the man he respected, died years ago. The demon who shared his lineage and gave him the White Dragon ka against his wishes was no father of his.
He regretted. Pharaohs were infallible, with no regrets – for what god could regret his decisions?
But Seto regretted.
He regretted becoming pharaoh. He regretted how his world had changed. He regretted the circumstances that had led to him replacing Atem, who'd had barely any chance to imprint himself in history's memory. He regretted that his cousin's sacrifice would not be remembered, that his soul was trapped instead of travelling on to the glory of the afterlife, and that nobody even knew the name 'Kisara'.
Seto stood on his balcony as sunlight streaked the horizon. Each day he was less rested than the last, and the new advisors he'd surrounded himself with were useless. He longed for the wisdom of Atem's court, but they, too, were dead now and their knowledge and insight had died with them. The battle with Zorc had much to answer for.
Kisara. Atem. Their names resounded in his head. The palms of his hands were hot against his eyeballs, pushing them almost inside his skull, but even that brought no relief. Life was harsh, had always been harsh, and death was as much a part of it as breathing.
But Seto regretted those two deaths, and though he attempted to make amends without breaking his promise by honouring the 'White Dragon' and 'Nameless Pharaoh', he would continue to regret for the rest of his lonely life.