A/N: As per usual, these kids did whatever the hell they wanted to. *dramamatic sigh*

Friday night, Edward brought dinner home after work. Bella thought she might be imagining it, but as they made small talk over their food, he seemed uneasy somehow. Her suspicion grew as he got quieter.

"I want to give you something," he said apropos of nothing, just as she was about to announce she'd lost her appetite. He stood and offered his hand.

Bella took it, perplexed, and let him pull her into the living room. "The dishes…"

His lips turned up at her words-a small but adoring smile that did wonders to put her at ease. "Don't worry," he said. "They'll still be there in a little while."

She let him pull her into the living room where they sat down on the couch. He took an oblong box-like a necklace box but bigger-and set it in her hands. Brows furrowed, Bella opened it and her eyes went wide. "Edward, this is-"

"Don't say it's too much." He laughed. "I knew you would."

Bella gave him a look, but she lifted the kaleidoscope carefully from the box, tracing her fingers over the intricate design etched there. "I…" She looked up at him, out of her depth and clueless. "Why?" She didn't want to be unappreciative, but she didn't understand. She couldn't wrap her head around $200 gifts for special occasions, let alone for nothing at all.

His smile was as gentle as his touch when he reached out to run the pad of his thumb along her chin. "Just tell me one thing. Do you like it?"

"Yeah," she said. She wanted to hold the kaleidoscope up to the light and watch the twisting shapes, but she was caught in his stare. Sometimes the way he looked at her left her breathless.

His eyes darted down to her lips, and for a second, she was sure he was going to kiss her. Instead, he sighed, dropping his hands to his lap and looking away. "Yesterday was a good day for me."

"It was for me too."

He hummed, his lips tugging upward for a brief moment. "There are a lot of reasons I got this for you. The biggest is really simple. I want you to have it. But I also want you to remember days like yesterday, because you and I…" He looked up and cupped her cheek with a gentle hand. "We don't get too many happy days, do we?"

Bella wasn't able to answer at first. She leaned her head into his touch, her heart heavy. "I'm sorry," she said.

His brows knitted. "For what?"

"I don't know. For complicating your life."

He huffed, and his fingers traced a line back into her hair. "Bella, I don't think I had any happy days before you."

Bella didn't know what to say to that. She looked up into his eyes and knew he wasn't lying, but she didn't know how it was possible either.

"If anything, it should be me apologizing to you. Weren't you happy before I came along?"

That he'd complicated her life was true beyond a shadow of a doubt, but somehow, Bella hadn't ever blamed him; not the way she blamed herself. She was the one who made bad choices. She was the one who wasn't to be trusted. But if she could blame herself for the turn in his life, she could understand why he thought the same. "I was trying to be happy," she answered. "But…" She struggled to find the words, because she was scared. They were true, but they were frightening. "You make me happy," she whispered.

It was strange. This whole situation, this pregnancy, and the two fucked up people involved in it, had disaster written all over. Yet somehow, with all the odds stacked against them, there were these pockets of something so good, Bella didn't know how to believe it was real.

Edward cupped the back of her head, closing the space between them to kiss her. Bella sighed into his mouth and let her eyelids drift closed.

In the two years after Mike was arrested, Bella had been to every kind of therapy, including group. Support groups weren't the way she healed, but she'd gone dutifully, especially in the early days of her recovery. One thing she heard over and over was what she and her fellow survivors deserved. They deserved fantastic relationships and beautiful lives. They deserved respect and kindness.

What no one had ever told her was what a wonderful life and an amazing relationship was supposed to look like. But she was getting older, not younger, and she was well past the point where anyone tried to lead her through life by the hand.

There was so much about her and Edward that made no sense. There were so many flashing lights and warning signs.

But then-there was also this.

Bella whimpered. Reaching out blindly, she managed to get the kaleidoscope on the solid surface of the coffee table. She scooted closer, pressing herself into all of Edward's empty spaces. She wrapped her arms around him, her fingers crawling up his back. He made a startled noise that vibrated against her skin, stiffening for a handful of seconds. He pulled back only enough to rumble her name before he claimed her lips again.

Yes, there was this. Whatever this thing was that had existed between them since the moment they set eyes on each other. The want she'd felt for him that first night wasn't meant to last this long. It was supposed to be a one night fling, because depth was the last thing she needed. She was barely putting her life together one tiny piece at a time.

But he was there, forever a part of her, and she was tired of second guessing herself. His hands on her body sent thrills down her spine. His kisses sent fire through her blood.

"Edward." She mumbled between kisses that were getting increasingly heated. "I want you."

He pulled back, and took her face between his hands, looking into her eyes. Surprisingly, the moment's hesitation didn't make her feel self-conscious. There was no part of her that believed he didn't want her. This-them-made even less sense for him than it did for her, but he kissed her, and held her, and called her beautiful. Without a doubt, he wanted her, but this could change everything and it could change nothing.

To his credit, he didn't ask if she was sure. He didn't ask anything. He looked at her and found whatever answers he needed in her eyes before he kissed her again. It was a soft kiss this time, a slow kiss, but a leading one. As he kissed her, he tucked each of his hands under her elbows and pulled her to her feet.

They moved in tandem, each wrapping an arm around the other's waist. Bella rested her other hand on his chest, and he took it, twining their fingers together. Somehow, stepping and stumbling between kisses, they made it up the stairs. Bella grabbed his shirt and pulled him with her as she leaned up against the wall outside his bedroom. He leaned into her, his hands trailing down her sides and up under her shirt, caressing skin. She splayed her hands flat on his chest, feeling his quickened heartbeat beneath her palms.

He did make her happy. This made her happy. She felt like she could fly.

Instead, she pushed off the wall, pressing into him again. His hand dropped back down to her waist, encircling her, and he pulled her into his bedroom. They kissed their way across the room, peeling off shirts and undoing buttons between pecks. She sat on the edge of the bed, her head tilted up to catch his kisses as he leaned in, his hands on either side of her.

When he dropped to his knees, her breath left her in a huff. "No," she said.

He raised his head, his cheeks flushed red and his well-kissed lips parted.

Bella swallowed a whimper, this one part frustration and lingering fear. She gripped the sheets in her fists, trying not to get angry that her heart was beating erratically, and visions she didn't want to taint this room were threatening to overtake her thoughts.

Edward kissed her kneecap sweetly and laid his head on her knee, looking up at her. "Tell me what you need." He stroked his fingers at the back of her ankles-a gesture more soothing than titillating. "Tell me what you want."

She loved him so much in that moment-loved him because of everything he wasn't and everything he was all at once. She ran a tender hand through his hair, traced the line of stubble at his cheek, and swallowed whatever embarrassment came with having to say what she was about to say.

"I don't want you to try to make me come," she said, her voice wavering only a little.

His eyes narrowed, though he quickly controlled whatever emotion flashed across his face. He didn't like the idea, and Bella thought she understood why. He wanted her to feel good. She knew this.

"I want to feel you," she said, hoping he understood she could have pleasure even without an orgasm. She wanted his touch-to feel his body on hers, moving with her, inside her. She wanted the intimacy. "I want to be with you." She just didn't want to orgasm, and she didn't want to think about why the idea scared her.

Edward pushed up off his knees and sat beside her on the bed. He kissed her tenderly and rested his hand on the swell of her belly, tracing his finger around her belly button with the lightest pressure. She closed her eyes again, her hand resting on his thigh as he let his fingers drift up her body. He undid the clasp of her bra, and she pulled away from him long enough to toss it away from them. Then his thumb was brushing over her nipple and oh, holy god.

Bella gasped, sitting bolt upright in shock.

"Did I-" Edward started to ask, beginning to pull away.

She shook her head. "Sensitive. Just...they're really sensitive."

He put a hand to her sternum, touching her gingerly. "Good sensitive?" He ran his thumb just under her breast.

Bella shivered, strangling a little moan. "Yeah. Yes."

"Hmm." He ducked his head and kissed her lips. Her throat. Her breast. And then he closed his mouth around one nipple, swirling his tongue over it. Whatever lingering tension remained in Bella's blood stream drained away. There was no room for nerves or residual fear. Not when this felt so good. She scratched her fingers through his hair, giving herself the time to acclimate to this kind of touch.

Nothing to be afraid of here. She wanted him.

She did love him. She knew she did.

And that made it easy, when he brought his mouth back up to hers, to lay back, safe in his arms. When he tugged at her panties, she lifted her hips, letting him slide them off. Yes, she was scared, but it wasn't the same kind of fear. It was that delicious kind. That top of the roller coaster kind. That, about to jump out of a plane with only a parachute to save you from the 1,000 trillion metric tons of Earth coming straight at you kind of fear.

He rested his hand over her heart. "Are you okay?"

She smirked and took his hand, placing it on his chest over his heart, which was beating just as fast as hers. "Are you?"

He laughed-a breathy chuckle-and leaned down to kiss her again. His tongue lapped at hers as his hand moved down her body. She tensed a moment when he stroked her clit, but it was only a caress. He curled two fingers up inside her, feeling that she was ready for him.

They rolled onto their sides, entangled in each other. Edward hitched her leg up around his waist and guided himself inside her in easy strokes. It was an intimate position, and exactly what Bella wanted. Edward was touchable, and she explored him. She felt the muscles of his shoulders flex as he moved and felt the roll of his spine when her hands fell to the small of his back. All the while, they kissed, trading moans and breathless, murmured words.

When he was getting close, Edward rolled again onto his back, grasping her hands to help her balance. It let her set the pace. That, and she could watch his eyes devour her. They were like another set of hands, touching her skin, leaving a trail of painless fire behind. He ran his hands up her sides, and the way he looked at her then made her feel beautiful.

She rocked her hips faster, meeting the rhythm of his upward thrust. She gasped at the feel of him, the jolt of unadulterated pleasure that rocked her body. When his eyes flicked to hers, it was as though he had penetrated her again, hitting some place deep inside her with a look just as much as his cock connected them physically. She grabbed at his hands again, suddenly sure she was about to fall. Muscles inside her began to coil, and a wanton moan slipped from her lips.

Too much. It was too much.

Bella closed her eyes, shutting off that more intense connection. She tightened her walls around him more to take back control of her own body, but it had the opposite effect for him. "Oh god. Please. Please," he said with a rasp, and Bella smiled at that. She held on to the idea that this pleasure was hers to give, and she liked, in that moment, that he sounded helpless, dependent on her to give him what he needed. She rocked her hips faster, taking pleasure in his gasps and the way he said her name-with reverence.

His body bucked, seized, and he cried out his release, trembling and vulnerable beneath her.

As she lay down beside him, Bella found herself basking in a very different kind of afterglow than he was. She was just as breathless, and though he might not believe it, just as sated. Oh god, she'd needed that. She needed to know sex could be about give and take. Not that the first time with him had been bad, but this was different. That night, she'd only needed to know that she was capable. Tonight she knew she was powerful.

Bella rested a hand on Edward's chest and snuggled close to him. He turned his head to the side, opening one eye to look at her before he closed it again and chuckled.

"What's so funny?" Bella asked, ridiculously shy despite what they'd done.

"You. You look so smug right now."

"Sorry."

He rolled onto his side, tucking his hands beneath his cheek and looking at her, his eyes and smile soft. "Don't be sorry." He reached out to brush her hair out of her eyes. "You're happy?"

Bella nodded. She wished she had a basis for normal sex, but she was happy, and she could live with happy. After all, she was already pregnant. It was nice to know with certainty that this time, her choices couldn't possibly send her life into another storm. This was only about pleasure and the physical expression of all the good things that existed between her and this beautiful, fucked up man.

"Good," he said, skimming his fingers down her cheek. "What are you thinking?"

She thought about lying but couldn't think of what else to say. She raised her hand to trace idle patterns on his hip. "I'm trying not to."

He sighed. "I know the feeling." He leaned in, pressing a kiss to her forehead with a butterfly's touch. "Bella...I'm sorry I don't know how to do this except day by day."

"Don't be sorry," she said, echoing his words from just a minute before.

Sometimes, she wished he did have the answers, because some part of her thought that he should. It was scary to think she might be thirty-seven and still as lost as she was now. But there was something so comforting about him, familiar.

Besides, wasn't that exactly how she'd gotten so ensnared in Mike's web? He was the older man who knew better than she did about, oh, everything. He made sure she knew she was the foolish child who needed to be taught. Their whole relationship, she'd worked so hard to catch up, to be more mature. She knew now it was his fault she always failed. He wanted to keep her dependent on him, constantly reaching for a goal that was impossible to attain.

No, despite the age gap, and despite the fact he did have many things she didn't-a steady job and a home-she and Edward were more equals, stumbling through this whole mess together. Neither one of them had answers.

A fluttering in her abdomen drew Bella's attention, and she put a hand to her belly, shivering.

They were going to have to figure out some answers sooner than later though.

"Are you cold?" Edward asked.

Bella nodded because she didn't want to talk about the thoughts zinging around her head. She was so sick of thinking about Mike, and she was too overwhelmed to think about the baby. So she let Edward pull the blankets around them, and let him draw her back against his chest.

This was probably going to trigger a nightmare, but she wanted his arms around her anyway. Cuddling was nice. Intimate skin to skin cuddling was better.

"Bella?" Edward said just as she was getting drowsy.

"Humm?"

She felt him shudder. "Do you want to know the other reason I got that kaleidoscope?"

From the uneasy sound of his voice, she wasn't sure she did. She found his hands and worked her fingers between his. "Tell me."

When he sighed, his breath fell hot on her neck, and she felt him nuzzle her hair. "Because yesterday was a good day, and I want you to remember that."

His arms around her tightened, and he rested his forehead against her hair. "I want you to remember, because I honestly don't know who I'm going to be tomorrow."

If there was one thing she understood, it was the concept of how one person could be a stranger even to themselves. Even now, after years of therapy, it was difficult for Bella to accept the person she'd been when she was with Mike-a person who would let him do all the horrible things he'd done to her. And the person Edward had met that first night, the person in platform boots and sleek, straightened hair was the person she wished she could be.

She shifted in his arms, turning to face him again and kissed the underside of his chin. "You'll still be you." She held him close. "And I'll be there."

A/N: SO!

There's that.

Many thanks to songster, barburella, myonlyheroin, and Packy 2.0 for all their love and support.

How are we doing out there, lovelies?