Disclaimer: Hidekaz Himaruya owns Hetalia and its characters.
Acknowledgements: Thank you to all those who have reviewed, alerted, favourited: Myrna Maeve (and Romania!), Forever Halfa, WinterLake 25, Frustration, Ankhasia Riddle, Kitty the Dinosquirrel, envysfangirl, PikoPiko-Chan, Silver FoxWolf, citrine sunflower, Canyon's Rose, chickenkitty, ZeroLuver567, Lady Sandra of Sealand, Tamarutaca, 101Icestormxx and all my anonymous readers. If I've missed anyone out, PM me and tell me off.
Warnings: Prussia, swearing, garbled ABBA lyrics, Russian angst, Romano, Su-Fin domesticity and a little bit of Denmark, long chapter again (sorry)
Chapter 9 – Closer to the Edge
Tuesday AM
Prussia's awesome van somewhere just outside Helsinki, Finland
"Dancing Queen, took a pee on a trampoline, oh yeah!" came singing from inside the van. Boris was yowling whether in pain at the terrible singing or from the way the van careered around corners it is unclear. Latvia and Prussia's singing was truly awful and after Latvia had insisted on putting her ABBA tapes in the van's cassette player (much to Prussia's disgust) they had sung their way through two albums all the way from Leningrad.
To establish how on earth this bizarre alliance had come about we have to go back in time (like Doctor Who only less cool) to a few hours earlier to Latvia trudging down the road from Russia's house in the general direction (she hoped) of the train station.
However, she'd only been walking for half an hour when she came across a familiar-looking figure bashing what appeared to be a car-jack against the rear wheel of a scruffy-looking van with a bad paint job. It had 'отлова бездомных животных' in badly painted letters on the side, but had 'Sanitärhygiene' just decipherable underneath.
"Sanitary animal control?" she asked wonderingly, "... or hygienic animals?"
Prussia stopped his bashing and looked up, his red eyes looking very fierce, "Fuck off, Russkie," he said.
"I'm not a Russkie," she answered, "Prussia? What are you doing here? Are you missing us?" she asked.
Prussia glared at her and then recognised her, "Oh you're that Latvian chick," he said finally, straightening up, "And no, I'm not missing living here in this miserable shit-hole."
"Don't call me chick," she said, "Are you trying to change that tyre?" she asked, indicating the car-jack.
"No... what made you think that? I was pretending this wheel was fat commie bastard's head," Prussia snarled sarcastically. He was truly freezing and bad-tempered now and just wanted to get out of this awful country with his hostage... and then a thought occurred to him...
"Oh okay, I was going to help you, but I'll be seeing you then, do svadanya!" she waved at him, using Russian because she knew it would annoy him and walked on.
"Wait, er chick, er Miss Latvia!"
She stopped, turned and raised an eyebrow.
An idea had formed in Prussia's little head, "Could you give me a hand? I mean I'm awesome but this wheel..."
Latvia smiled. She knew that even when she got to the train station she would have to wait a few hours until she got the next train to the west and in that time, Russia could catch up with her. Perhaps if she helped this idiot he might give her a lift somewhere. She had no idea why he was in Leningrad, there must be some prank involved and she just hoped she was well away from Russia's house before whatever the prank was, was discovered by her boss.
So between them, they changed the wheel – actually Latvia changed the wheel and Prussia looked on, smoking a cigarette.
"Can you give me a lift to Germany? I presume you're going back to Germany?" she asked him.
Prussia grinned broadly, this kidnapping lark was easier than he thought, "Course chick, you can come with your old Uncle Gil, I'll look after you."
Latvia was unsure about the 'Uncle Gil' bit – she thought Prussia said it in a very creepy way. However, she jumped in the van and settled down in the passenger seat.
"Kesese! This is going to be great!" Gilbert laughed.
"Whatever," Latvia answered, "Just drive."
However, a sound made her look around, "Boris! What are you doing here?"
The huge Siberian cat mewed at her, its big eyes widened and he started purring, sounding rather like a steam engine.
Latvia unbuckled the seat belt and got into the back and undid the cage, taking the large cat into her arms, "Aw poor Boris, what did the nasty man do to you?" she murmured to him in a 'goo-goo' voice, the large feline purring on her lap.
Prussia almost drove into a tree at this, "Do to him? Do to him? Have you seen the scratches on my arm? That cat's a bloody nightmare."
Latvia looked around the van, at the cage, the net and put two and two together, "You were kidnapping him!"
"Yes and I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for you, pesky chick!"
"Don't call me that!"
"I need the money!"
"You can't kidnap Boris! Mr Russia will be upset!" she cuddled the cat, "You have to take him back!"
"I don't bloody think so. Anyway why are you running away? What's that big bastard done to you?"
"N... n... nothing. I was just... I wanted my freedom," she said finally.
Prussia looked in the rear view mirror at her, "Un-awesome way of escaping, chick. You should have done what I did, steal a motorbike and hightail it out of there. I had half the Red Army on my awesome tail all the way to West Germany. Kesese! They were so un-awesome! What a bunch of morons! And I wrote Prussia roolz all over that fat commie's house... it was totally cool."
"You do realise we just scrubbed out the P so it said Russia roolz, don't you?" she said.
Gilbert went quiet at this, "Shut up, chick," he said lamely.
"Just get Boris back and I'll give you money," she said. She really was worried. It was bad enough that she'd left, 'Russia would be upset enough that I've gone, but Boris as well. He loved that cat...' she thought, sadly.
"Too late, chick, on our way. Got to get Dude Den," Prussia said as he took the right turn out of the city.
"Dudeden? What's a dudeden? And aren't you going the wrong way? This is the road to Finland," she said, completely confused now.
"On a rescue mission, chick. Gotta get Dude Den. We'll leave monster cat with Barney and Betty Rubble."
"Who?" Latvia racked her brains for who on earth Prussia was talking about, "And will you stop calling me chick?"
Prussia thought about it, "Nah, chick," and put his foot on the accelerator and, in Prussia's head, high-tailed it out of that shit-hole of a country. He was pleased with himself, how awesome was he? He could get rid of the monster cat and instead have Latvia as a hostage, she would bring in more money. And, even easier and more awesome, she didn't even know... He was so clever.
Same morning, Russia's house, Leningrad
Russia woke to a cold, empty bed and, forgetting that he was still in Latvia's tiny single bed, rolled over and promptly fell out with a thud.
He rubbed his head, looking around. She must already have got up and gone for breakfast, no doubt embarrassed and not wanting the others to know they'd spent the night together. Russia stubbed his toe on the end of the bed (almost simultaneously with Austria in his tiny bedroom some 970 miles away) and growled. He stumbled down the rickety steps and dodged into the bathroom. He could hear movement downstairs and the unmistakeable aroma of blini and porridge.
"Where's Latty?" Ukraine asked Lithuania, "Has anyone called her?"
"A lie-in? She's getting worse these days for getting up," Lithuania sighed.
"I'll go call her down ... and Vanya, it's time he was up, the big lazy sod," Ukraine said.
Estonia shrugged, and kept his head down, he'd heard various creaking and tiptoeing last night along the hallway, but as Ukraine had spent the night with him, he didn't dare say anything.
"Latviaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" Ukraine shouted, "Vanyaaaaaaaaaaaa! Breakfast!"
Russia pulled his pants on, quickly followed by the rest of his clothes and wondered why on earth they were shouting Aija, wasn't she downstairs? He also made a mental note that if and when the Leningrad Port Authority's foghorn broke down they could always call on his sister.
"Latvia not here?" Russia asked innocently ten minutes later, scoffing breakfast and reading the paper.
"No, she's not in her room either. And she didn't make her bed. Where is that girl?" Ukraine said.
"Maybe she is in the living room having a lie down?" Russia said.
"Why would she be having a lie down? It's only just eight o' clock," Ukraine said.
"I don't know, maybe she is having a funny turn?" Russia said. 'A funny turn' in Russia's head was what Russia termed 'women's problems'.
"What on earth are you on about, Vanya?"
"She's not in the living room, the study or the basement," Estonia said.
"Maybe she is in the garden?" Russia said and pushed his plate away, worried now, and went out into the garden, coatless and trudged around looking for her.
Estonia waited until Russia was out of earshot and turned to Lithuania and Ukraine, "She's done one," he said.
"Done one what?" Ukraine asked.
"Done a runner. She's taken a visa, some money and the boss' credit card."
Lithuania made a sharp intake of breath, "Noooo... oh, bloody hell. What for? He's been okay lately. I mean there were those fights yesterday but he hasn't threatened any of us in ages," Lithuania shook his head. This could be bad, very bad.
But it was far worse than he imagined.
"Oh dear, I think I might know why..." Ukraine said carefully.
Estonia was lost, "What? Why?" he said.
All three Nations peered out of the kitchen window and watched Russia trudging up and down the large garden. He looked quite lost. He stopped and went into the greenhouse where Latvia and Lithuania had been growing tomatoes and sunflowers the previous summer and where Latvia had took to spending a lot of her spare time, watering, feeding and talking to the plants – in fact she'd also been writing her novels in there. Russia bent down and picked up one of the now dead plants and gently held it in his large hand. Where was she? She wouldn't just leave without saying goodbye would she? The plant, its leaves already shrivelled and dry crumpled in Russia's hand and he threw it down and left, slamming the glass door behind him. He stomped back into the kitchen.
"Where is she?" he said, and then turning to Toris, he picked the Lithuanian up by the lapels and shook him, "Where is she?" he repeated his voice getting louder, his aura starting to shimmer.
"Sir, I don't know, honestly."
Ukraine put her hand on her brother's arm, "Vanya, let go of him. Toris doesn't know."
Russia released Toris and said in a hopeful voice, "Maybe she's gone to the shops?"
Estonia coughed, "Erm Sir, I think ..."
Toris shook his head frantically at his fellow Baltic, surely Latvia would be in worse trouble if Russia knew she'd took off with his credit card.
Ukraine interrupted, "What did you do, Vanya? She was upset and confused when I left Vienna but I thought you'd sorted all this out. You both seemed to be getting on okay when you got back here?" Katya asked. There was a hint of accusation in the tone of her voice.
She'd had an idea that something had come to a head in Vienna but had not failed to spot the sexual tension between the two back in Russia's house, but felt that leaving them to it, they would eventually come together again. She honestly believed they belonged together, her brother was lonely and needed someone and she liked Latvia. Katya had always got on well with the youngest Baltic and if it hadn't been for the stupid secret about her gender that they'd all insisted on keeping, she would have tried to get them together years ago. She'd been delighted when she'd found out that her brother and Latvia had actually had a one night stand back in the War. Surely, she thought, how difficult are they making it for themselves?
"What?" Lithuania frowned, "Is there something going on? I know you and Raivis in the War... but..." here Lithuania trailed off. He'd only heard snatches of both sides of the story about the mysterious Ivan and the mysterious Aija and had hoped to God at the time that they never realised who each other were... evidently they had and obviously something had happened back in Vienna. He couldn't believe that he'd never noticed but then again what with Estonia whisking Ukraine away (Lithuania had nightmares about what Russia would do if he found out about that, and that he'd given Eduard love advice), Russia's injury and then the fire, he'd been too busy to notice.
Ukraine nodded, Estonia frowned and Lithuania shook his head.
Russia jabbed Lithuania in the chest, towering over the smaller Nation, "Do you have a problem, Toris?" he asked dangerously.
Toris looked up at his boss, and trembled a little, but stood his ground, "No Sir, as long as Latvia is okay," he said.
Russia took a step back, thinking about this. It was obvious to him now, that he and Aija's sneaking around had been for nothing. Russia hadn't realised that they all knew about their all too brief affair.
"What did you do, Vanya?" Ukraine repeated.
"I didn't do anything. We just slept together once in Vienna," he said carefully and then, seeing Toris' horrified look, he added quickly, "But she was okay, I didn't hurt her, honestly. I would never hurt her."
"Well, she's obviously upset about something or she wouldn't just run off," Ukraine said, and Russia detected an accusing tone.
"She's taken money..." Estonia added (he kept quiet about the visa – he didn't want Russia to know that he kept an emergency cache of money and visas hidden in the safe).
"I would never hurt her!" Russia insisted again, his cheeks went red and he waved his arms around, "Why would I ever hurt her? I love her!"
Finland, Helsinki
Prussia's awesome van was just pulling up outside Sweden and Finland's house. Latvia and Pru (she'd taken to calling him this – much to his disgust) had made liberal use of Russia's credit card ('Pru' had been impressed that Latvia had taken it) – buying fuel, beer, cat food, several bags of wine gums and women's magazines - which 'Pru' had shown no interest in at all (for he was the awesome one and he was not, absolutely not, interested in the 'Dear Mary' agony aunt column).
By now, Latvia was exhausted and felt sick. She'd had no sleep and was honestly wondering what on earth possessed her to get into this awful van with Prussia. She'd started to regret running away and wondered was it too late to go back.
She voiced these fears to her companion. "Nah, dude. What do you want to go back for? He'll kick your arse all the way to Moscow and back. You can't go back. He's a complete bastard, chick." Prussia said, absolutely appalled. He couldn't lose his hostage now.
Latvia sighed, had she been too hasty? Perhaps Gilbert was right, he was far older than her. Russia would be very angry that she'd run away and she was afraid of what he would do if she went back. Besides if what she suspected was right, then making a new life away from him was the right thing to do. She might not just have herself to think about, she thought. And, as if on cue, she jumped out of the van as soon as Gilbert pulled on the handbrake and promptly threw up on the driveway.
"Bleurgh! Nice one though, at least you didn't do it in my awesome van," Prussia exclaimed.
She wiped her mouth, but felt a little better. She didn't comment on the 'awesome van' but secretly felt that her vomit could not have made the interior much worse than it already was.
It had been a bone of contention all the way to Helsinki where she'd kept asking what that strange smell was ('Awesome has its own smell, dude!'), why there was an annoying rattle coming from the speakers ('Abba's not awesome enough for my van, man!' – ignoring the fact that he'd sung along to almost all the songs – and that he knew most of the words) and the fact that none of the lights or indicators worked ('It doesn't need lights, dude') although the blue flashing light on the roof did work.
They approached Finland's house and knocked on the door, Latvia holding Boris in her arms, Gilbert holding his beer in his arms.
Leningrad, Russia
"I love her..." Russia repeated lamely, slumped in a chair and absent-mindedly broke a chunk off the kitchen table.
Ukraine sighed dreamily, "Awwww!" Her 'little Vanya' had finally found love.
Estonia shook his head, but was relieved. At least Latvia wasn't going to get her arse kicked when they got her back. And they would get her back, he thought, she had his (actually Russia's but he regarded it as his) credit card.
Lithuania's mouth dropped open. It was far more complicated than he'd thought.
The doorbell rang.
"That will be her!" Russia practically skipped to the door and flung it open, "Aija, I missed you..."
But it wasn't Aija. It was Poland.
"Oh it's you..."
"Yo, Braginski! How's it hanging? Latty-kins has gone?" Poland stepped in, attired in a smart dress suit, carrying a briefcase.
"What do you know about it, Polski?" Russia asked, reluctantly letting the Pole in, glaring at the man's stocking-clad legs. He would love to hit Poland and often actually itched to hit him, but it felt very wrong to hit someone wearing a dress. (Not that Russia was wearing the dress... oh, never mind.)
"Absolutely nothing, sweetie," Poland answered.
Russia winced, he hated, absolutely, hated Poland calling him 'sweetie' and the Pole knew it.
Outside on the street, in a crappy Avis hire care, Romano waited patiently. Actually, no, he was anything but patient. "Dammit. Come on you vodka bastard. Everybody has been in and out, even skirt bastard," he said to himself. He'd exhausted his supply of cigarettes, the pizzas he'd brought from Italy ('the old country' - he was homesick already) and the crappy songs on Radio Finland. Unbeknownst to him, he wouldn't have to wait much longer.
Finland's house, Helsinki, Finland
The door was flung open and Santa stepped out, adjusting his fake beard and shoving a pillow up his red velvet coat, "Bye then, dear!" Finland shouted back into the house.
"That's it! You just go to work and leave me here with the kids..." came a harassed voice from inside, "You never help around the house, I have to do everything, cooking, cleaning, getting Peter to school and seeing to him..." on the word 'him' there was a crash.
Finland smiled shakily at Latvia and Prussia, "Hi guys!" he said, "Can't stop, got to go to work."
"It's weeks before Christmas," Latvia said.
"Yes, but I'm the Store Santa at IKEA," Finland said. He had been utterly relieved when the IKEA management had realised, from watching the CCTV that the 'bad Santa' who had chatted up mothers, flashed his vitals and then proceeded to smash up the store wasn't him and he still had his job.
"Matrimonial problems?" Prussia laughed.
Finland ignored him but turned to Latvia, "Why are you here, Miss Latvia? Are you okay?"
"I'm okay, Tino, but..." and then she burst into tears.
Prussia ignored her and stepped into the house, 'dude chick is weird,' he thought.
"Come and tell me all about it," Tino said and she followed him into his sleigh and proceeded to tell the Finn her worries.
"... and I just didn't know what to do. He was getting more and more possessive and insistent and Elizaveta said he wouldn't ever let me go. So I ran away. I just panicked, but now I don't know..." she finished, crying into Ivan's scarf.
"Erm, well, Ivan was always kind to me... I mean not in that way... Not like Berwald is..." Finland said quietly.
Latvia raised an eyebrow.
"But he only wanted me for Karelia!" Tino suddenly burst out.
Latvia gently patted him on the shoulder, "I know, Tino. I think he only wanted me for Riga," she said.
"So you've run away? Oh, Ivan will be upset..." Tino said.
"I know, but... can you keep a secret?" Latvia asked. She had to tell someone, just to gauge their reaction, perhaps then she could make sense of it herself.
"Of course I can. I'm Santa!" Tino said.
"I think I'm pregnant," she said quietly, hugging Ivan's scarf tightly.
"Oh! Is it Ivan's. I mean, does he know?"
"Yes, it is and no, he doesn't," she said, "I don't know what to do..." she added, desperately.
"Well, I think Ivan would make a good father."
"I can't tell him..." she said, "I'd never get any freedom."
"Well..." Tino said.
"He's a rubbish Dad. He sold the last flipping kid he had! He's not selling this one," she said decisively and placed a protective hand over her stomach, "And if he found out, he would never let me leave."
"Well..."
"That's it," she said with a sniff, "I'll go and see Hungary. She told me to go to her if I had a problem."
"Well don't do anything rash," Tino said, "Perhaps you could stay here?" Tino added and then immediately regretted his words, if Russia found they were harbouring Ivan's 'little Baltic' he'd tear the place to bits.
"Thanks Tino, but I don't want you and Mr Sweden to get into trouble with Vanya. I'll go to see Hungary and then I'll get some money and start a new life somewhere with me and my baby..." she said (in a tad dramatic way, Tino thought).
"By the way, can you, erm I mean Santa, bring me a pram for Christmas? That's if I am expecting?" Latvia added.
Santa/Tino nodded, smiling.
She got out of the sleigh and went into the house, sniffing emotionally.
"You know what'd make this show better? More drunken parties... and... and... naked women! And orgies, and beer, and..." came a voice like a foghorn from within the depths of Finland's living room. Denmark (the owner of said voice) was slumped in a chair, a large axe propped up next to him, surrounded by empty Carlsberg bottles.
"Denmark, it's Button Moon!" Sweden shouted at the Dane, to the shock (and mild fear) of Latvia and Prussia, while an oblivious Sealand ran past wearing a dishevelled school uniform and wielding a paintbrush.
"That's it, I can't take it anymore!" Sweden yelled at no one in particular.
It was obvious to Prussia (as oblivious as he was) and Latvia that the Swede was so far at the end of his tether there was no tether left. His spectacles were askew, his hair was wild, his eyes were bloodshot. He looked like a man on the edge.
"You-" the Swede pointed at Prussia, who pointed at himself as if to say 'me?' and "you-" (Latvia) "Get him" here Berwald pointed at the clearly drunken Mathias "out of here. I don't care what you do with him; just get him out of this bloody house for one hour. Just let me sleep. For. One. Hour. Get him an ice-cream, take him to the beach, get him a job... do SOMETHING. Oh, and while you're at it, take Peter to school."
Leningrad, Russia
Russia threw on his coat and army boots, stuck Mr Pipe under his arm and prepared to scour the city for his 'little sunflower'. He would not rest until she was found. She may be hurt or lost somewhere. (In Russia's little head he was already riding to the rescue of his little 'broken sunflower' on a large white horse - although he didn't have a horse - and holding her in his arms, saving her from all the baddies out there in the bad old world.) He couldn't believe that she would simply just up and leave. They must be mistaken.
He opened the front door and stepped out onto the porch and ... there was a boom. Masonry, bricks and the large emblem of the Soviet Union fell with a crash, completely burying the Russian.
Romano, his finger still on the button, grinned, "I did it, I did it!" he put his foot on the accelerator and drove off quickly. The vodka bastard had been totally entombed in fallen bricks. Romano felt a small twinge of guilt at killing a fellow Nation, but then again the Russian was a nasty piece of work and had been his enemy in the War. He'd also intimidated Romano and his brother saying he 'wanted to be friends' and that he 'wanted to visit them because it was warm where they lived'. Well, he wasn't going to be visiting anyone any time soon, was he?
Author's Notes:
отлова бездомных животных - Animal control in Russian
Sanitärhygiene - sanitary hygiene in German
Blini – thin pancakes eaten at breakfast
The old country – most Southern Italians call South Italy (especially Sicily) this.
Karelia – the Karelian isthmus to the west of St Petersburg/Leningrad was part of Finland until Finland was conquered by Russia in the Great Northern War of 1712. It stayed as a part of the autonomous Grand Duchy of Finland within the Russian Empire until 1917 and then until 1940 when it was ceded to the Soviet Union. The Russians required connections to their major Baltic port of St Petersburg.
Riga – capital of Latvia and one of the Soviet Union's key ice-free ports on the Baltic Sea.
"He sold the last kid he had" – Latvia is referring to Russia selling Alaska to the US in 1867 for $7.2 million. (I know Alaska is not in canon but there's enough about Alaska in fanon and that's good enough for me to put Alaska as Russia's child.)
Button Moon – a children's TV series in the 1980s – where an individual named Mr Spoon travels to Button Moon in every episode in his home-made spaceship. A classic. (But there were no women, drunken orgies or beer.)
PS I know Sweden is acting out of character, but I think if I'd had to 'look after' Denmark I'd be acting like that. Plus I thought I would turn the 'marriage' between Sweden and Finland upside down a little bit – have Finland being the 'husband' going out to work and Sweden being the 'wife' and the one stuck at home with the 'kids'.
Also lots of re-capping from Baltics Secrets – 'bad Santa' refers to Denmark's trashing of an IKEA store dressed in Finland's Santa costume. Also Ukraine and Estonia left the conference in Vienna early to whizz off to Seychelles so they are largely ignorant about some of the events (Estonia had asked Lithuania for love advice via telephone so only Lithuania knows about their little affair and Ukraine had advised Latvia to 'go with her heart' but hadn't realised that she'd actually done that). Lithuania knew about Russia and Latvia's one night stand in the war (he'd heard both sides of the story when running up and down stairs), however, hadn't realised that they'd got any further in Vienna. Phew. Well, now everything's all out in the open – apart from Ukr-Est that is... oh and Latvia's possible pregnancy, oh and the kidnapping...
Next Chapter: Shakespeare, Poland's car which is way more awesome than Prussia's awesome van, Pru-Den or Den-Pru, and what happens when Nations play truant. Please review, comment, correct, PM me. Do I continue?