Disclaimer: Hidekaz Himaruya owns Hetalia and its characters.

Acknowledgements: Thank you to all those who have reviewed, alerted, favourited: iTorchic, kakashailuckyblackcat, , Xou, alexf801, chattie98, Myrna Maeve (and Romania!), ThatPurplyThing, Forever Halfa, WinterLake 25, Frustration, Ankhasia Riddle, Kitty the Dinosquirrel, envysfangirl, PikoPiko-Chan, Silver FoxWolf, citrine sunflower, Canyon's Rose, chickenkitty, ZeroLuver567, Lady Sandra of Sealand, Tamarutaca, 101Icestormxx, VengefulCat and all my anonymous readers.

Warnings: sexual innuendo, lots of Pru/Den/Latvia, France.

Chapter 14 – Baby, I Don't Care

Late Tuesday pm

"We have to check into a hotel before five!" Denmark exclaimed, his voice getting more and more panicky (no-one had ever seen him like this unless it was due to a lack of beer or hair-gel or both).

"Why?" Latvia enquired.

"Because... otherwise I'll miss Scooby Doo!"

"...Seriously, Denmark? Seriously?"

"Daphne's so hot..." Denmark said dreamily.

"No! Wait a minute!" Latvia slammed a hand on the dashboard.

"She is! That hair, those eyes. I hate Fred..." Denmark continued.

"No, it's Sealand. We left him behind on the ferry!"

"Yes, but he's an annoying little sod. He used to change channels when I wasn't looking," Den said.

"He's just a child and he's on his own. We have to go back," Latvia insisted.

"No way, dude. He'll be okay. He can take care of himself. He's probably conning a load of dudes out of their money," Pru said.

"You were supposed to take him to school, Denmark. You're going to be in trouble with Sweden and Finland," Latvia said.

"No way, dude. I'm not scared of them."

"Stop the van, and I'll ring them and then we're going back to the ferry," Latvia insisted.

"Dude chick..."

"Now!" she said and forced the point home with the help of her gun.

"Jeez, dude chick needs to chillax."

The next time you tell me to chillax, I am going to shoot you. Now get back to the ferry."

Helsinki, Finland

Russia and Estonia stepped out of Tino's house, having been replenished with vodka and beer, Santa and Sweden waving to them from the doorstep (Sweden muttering under his breath 'Thank God, I thought he was invading, m'wife,' Tino holding Russi-cat in his arms – Russia deciding it was best that the large cat stay with them until he'd finished his 'quest').

They jumped into the car, Estonia insisting on driving, and pulled out of the driveway to head to the ferry terminal. Turning into the traffic and putting his foot down, Estonia had a horrid feeling that something wasn't quite right. He turned to say something to Russia, put his foot on the brake and the car sailed straight on and crashed into a tree.

Romano, sat in his nearby hire car, smiled devilishly to himself. It was a shame about the computer bastard, but finally he'd got the vodka bastard., cutting the brake cable had been so easy. He could collect his money and..."Noooooooooooo!" he yelled as, to his utter horror, astonishment and amazement, Russia climbed out of the wreckage, dusted himself down and looked in utter bewilderment at the smashed car, scratching his blond head.

Romano's moustache fell off and he banged his head repeatedly on the steering wheel. How on earth do you kill a bloody Russian?

Russia could not understand what had happened. Why did Estonia drive into that tree? It was bizarre. It wasn't something Estonia normally did. Then he remembered – Estonia was still in the car and there was flames coming from the bonnet.

Russia stepped forward, opened the driver's door and pulled an unconscious Estonia out, carrying him to safety.

"Sir?" Estonia was just coming round as Russia flung him over his shoulder.

Russia thought it would be best to leave the talking for later as he saw the car was about to explode, so he put a sprint on and then leapt for it and flung Eduard down behind a parked car and crouched next to him, tucking the smaller Nation under him as the car's petrol tank exploded.

Romano shook his head, at least the trembling bastard was alright... "Dammit!" he yelled to no-one but himself, and watched with incredulity as Russia stood up, seemingly unaffected by his car exploding, flung Estonia over his shoulder as if he were a sack of potatoes and headed back to Tino's house.

Inside the house, Sweden was looking very 'Daddish' and very worried, he shushed Russia as he stomped in, throwing Estonia down on a couch.

Tino was on the telephone, "What do you mean you left him on the ferry? Why were you on a ferry? You were supposed to drop him at school and come home. I don't care what Gilbert said. He should be at school. No, I don't mean Gilbert, I would imagine no bloody school would have him. We had the truant officer here, yes that Ms Pike. Ivan spoke to her. Shut up, Mathias and don't call him that. Tallinn? Why are you there? Gilbert said... I don't care what he said. He's a bad influence. And I don't care about bloody Scooby Doo. Daphne is a cartoon character how many bloody times do I have to tell you?"

Russia looked up interested, it was very rare to hear Finland swear and then he realised the Finn was talking to Denmark and stepped up behind Tino next to Berwald and whispered, "Is Aija there? Is she okay? Tell him..."

Berwald put a hand on Russia's shoulder and just gave him a 'look'.

Russia ignored him, "Tino! Tell him that Aija should come home," he said in a desperate tone.

Tino carried on, "Denmark you had better find Peter and bring him home. If anything happens to that boy I will personally embed that blasted axe of yours in your stupid head. And you'd better get yourself home..." he didn't get to finish as the phone went dead.

"He hung up on me!" he said, appalled.

"Is Latvia with him?"

"I don't know, yes... I think so... he said 'we' and I think I heard her telling him... I am going to kill him."

"So, where are they?" Berwald and Russia both said together.

"Tallinn... anyway why are you back here?" Tino said, looking Russia up and down and then at Estonia who looked shocked, bruised and dishevelled.

"My car blew up!" Russia said, "It wasn't me," he added, as if someone had accused him.

"The brakes failed and I went into a tree," Estonia explained.

"I need to borrow your car so I can rescue little Latvia," Russia said.

"And I'm going to ring the police," Finland said.

"Good idea, then they can tow my car away."

"No, for Peter – they left him on the ferry and now they say he's not there and the CCTV showed him getting into a camper van driven by a load of vagabonds. They didn't get the registration number and... and..." here Tino almost broke down, "... he's just a boy!" he finished with a howl and buried his head in Sweden's chest.

"Oooh," Russia rubbed Tino's head gently, "I'm sure he'll be okay. He's half Kirkland isn't he? So he's got some magic? And he's a Nation... no... a..." here Russia looked at Estonia for help.

"He's a micronation, Sir."

Sweden took charge. He picked up the telephone, "Police, please," he told the operator and then proceeded to give the police operator details of Sealand's description, the ferry, the circumstances – which included Peter's morally bankrupt Uncle Den, said Uncle's wastrel friend and the young gun-toting woman who was travelling with them. (Sweden guessed correctly that Latvia would be armed – she was no pure little flower, he thought.)

Russia was alarmed at this, "You cannot get the police involved in looking for my little Latvia! She would not harm a hair on anyone's head. She is a sweet, innocent, pure..." Russia ran out of adjectives.

Tallinn, Estonia

'Sweet, innocent, pure' little Latvia was waving the morally bankrupt Uncle Den and the Awesome One into a motel room.

"Get in there," she said, waving her gun at them.

"Ooooh we're sharing with dude chick. Bagsy I share with her!"

"No way, man, I'm sharing."

"No-one is sharing with me. You are sharing with each other and touch me and I won't hesitate to shoot you," Latvia told them and then added, "In the balls."

Later...

"I love television..." Denmark said dreamily, watching Scooby Doo with a mesmerized expression on his face. He was laid, spread-eagled on one of the beds, chugging beer, his Viking helmet adorning his head, his axe at his side.

"I know, right?" Prussia answered.

"God, man, what the hell did we do before TV?" Denmark asked, turning to look at his friend.

"Well, there was that one time when we [censored]."

"Oh yeah, and then France walked in on us and said '[censored]'!"

"Yeah, and then you asked Sweden if he wanted to do [censored] and he said no."

"Yep, and then Switzerland and Austria came in so we asked them to join in and Switzerland left, but Austria took his pants off and [censored]."

"And then Sweden said no – again – and left."

"And then Ivan comes in and [censored] and then..."

"I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANY MORE!" Latvia shouted from the opposite bed, flicking through a pregnancy magazine. Both men started snickering.

"You like Ivan, don't you, little Latvia~" Denmark sniggered. Latvia threw a pillow at him.

Some time later – Latvia was still perusing her 'Baby' magazine and ruminating on the pictures of chubby children and pregnancy bumps. The 'morons' as she'd come to collectively term 'Den' and 'Pru' had both been in the bathroom some time and she was starting to wonder. Plus she'd finally plucked up enough courage to actually carry out one of the pregnancy tests. Then, she heard the following emanating from said bathroom:

"Be gentle, Gilbert, you're going to break it!"

"No I'm not, I know what I'm doing!"

"I don't think you do..."

"What are you implying?"

"I'm implying that you've got your finger stuck."

"You can shut your mouth. It's your fault we're in this situation. If you hadn't gone and got drunk..."

"Hey, I could drink you under the table any day!"

"Whatever. Hey, I don't think this is supposed to go in there..."

"Don't you know anything, man? Where else is it gonna go?"

Latvia couldn't take anymore. She finally burst in through the door, only to find Prussia and Denmark with a dismantled bath, looking highly confused (Gilbert and Mathias were confused, that is, not the bath). Prussia had his finger stuck in a pipe, and Denmark was attempting to put one of the taps back in.

"I was picturing something entirely different..." the Baltic said.

"You sound disappointed." Gilbert noted.

"I am! I was hoping to get more material for my latest book!" Latvia then realised what she'd said, and clamped her hand over her mouth. "I mean... um..."

"You were going to write a gay sex scene?" Denmark said incredulously.

"...Maybe? I'm not sure yet." Latvia said sheepishly, going a very strange shade of pink. "My publisher said it'd appeal to a large market, and that I should try something different from the normal stuff, but I don't know."

"This is pure gold." Prussia decided. "Just wait until France and Spain hear about this, not to mention Alfred..."

"Don't. Even. Think. About. Telling. Them." Latvia said dangerously. "Or I will get Ivan to do unpleasant things to you with his pipe. Now get out while I pee on this stick," she said holding up the pregnancy test.

Both men looked in horror at her, "Ugh! Dude chick is weird!" Prussia said.

She finally emerged from the bathroom, her eyes swollen from crying, holding the white stick gingerly and then sat down dejectedly on the nearest bed.

"Hey! I'm trying to watch Scooby Doo here!" Den yelled.

Latvia waved the stick at them, "I'm... I'm... pregnant," she told them.

Denmark leaned in and saw the pink line and said, his IQ dropping below room temperature, "Get in! Its going to be a girl! I'm an auntie!"

"What?"

"It's a girl, the line's pink."

Latvia punched him very hard and the Dane fell off the bed.

"It's a bloody Russian is what it is," Gilbert said (as if the test revealed the nationality of the child...)

He then received a punch as well.

She then got up and, her mind still in overdrive, decided she had better ring Russia and tell him the news... her heart slamming so hard in her chest she felt sick.

In the scruffy lobby of the motel, Latvia picked up the phone and put a call through to Leningrad.

"Privet?" she said tentatively, expecting Toris to answer. It wasn't.

"Privet?" came a lispy girlish voice.

"Who's this?"

"Miss Ivanova."

"Who?"

"I'm Mrs Russia's secretary."

"Who?"

"Mrs Russia."

Latvia slammed the phone down. 'He'd replaced her! He'd got himself a new woman, obviously – why else would there be a Mrs Russia? And who was this Miss Ivanova? His secret daughter? He had a family? What? The bastard, the big commie bastard,' she thought.

She staggered back to the room, tears flooding her eyes. What did it matter that she was pregnant? He obviously would not care. Bloody hell! She'd only been gone twenty-four hours!

She flung herself onto the bed and sobbed.

Denmark tore himself away from 'Children's Hour' and stared, whilst Gilbert shook his head solemnly. Finally, the two men climbed onto her bed, exchanged looks and enfolded her in their arms.

She sobbed, first on Gilbert's shoulder and then on Den's.

"I don't care, it was me who ran away... who cares if he's got someone else...?" She said.

"Wooooo," Gilbert pulled back, "Wait a minute, just back up a bit there, chick, someone else? Big fat commie bastard has someone else?"

She nodded, biting her lip.

"Russia couldn't get a girl if his life depended on it."

"Or if he were the last man on earth," Den added.

"Yeah, dude's best friend is his right hand."

Latvia ignored all this.

"We could help. I'll be Dude Dad Den."

"And I'll be Dude Dad Gil and the kid can be mini dude."

"We'll call it Dengil!"

"No way, Gilden!"

Latvia looked from one to the other and was thankful that neither was responsible for her current predicament. However, they were doing a good job at cheering her up.

"You don't need that commie moron," Gil concluded, "He'll only sell the kid or put it down and forget where it he put it." Then Gilbert did a (Latvia had to admit) funny impersonation of Russia's spaciest expression, with a towel around his neck (presumably in lieu of a scarf), looking for a lost child under the bed.

"If it's not vodka, big dude ain't interested," Den also concluded and then proceeded to glug another beer, "Woohoo, look they found the monster!" he shouted, pointing at the screen.

"Hey, who touched my butt?" Latvia said.

The two men pointed at each other and then Denmark said, "I thought it was his."

Vienna, Austria - Late evening on the building site at Austria's mansion

The large builders' foreman by the name of Gustav stood outside the caravan, Austria and Hungary's temporary abode and was about to knock and tell his boss (Hungary, not Austria or 'Woderwick' as the builders named him) that they were done for the day. He hesitated and listened to the following conversation that emanated from inside:

"What's this foreign muck?"

"It's goulash and it's not muck. How dare you, you English prick? Your food tastes like feet."

"Honhonhon, I agree with you, Miss Hungary."

"You can shut up as well, frogface."

"Can we just get on with the meeting, nein?"

"Meeting nine? What's he mean, Arty?"

"Bloody Kraut means the meeting. Are you surrendering?"

"I am not a Kraut, I am Austrian and proud of it!"

"That bloody Kraut boss of yours will be surrendering soon as well."

"He was an Austrian! He was not German."

"Of course we all know that bloody Adolf is an Austrian and he's only got one ball!"

"I will always feel shame at that."

"Honhonhon what? That Herr Hitler only had one ball?"

"Nein."

"What, nine balls?"

"Nein, that Hitler was an Austrian."

(singing to the tune of Colonel Bogey March) "Hitler has only got one ball, Goring has two but very small, Himmler is somewhat similar, But poor Goebbels has none at all."

"Honhonhon it is tres amusant, non?"

"Great stuff, Dude Arty!"

"I know, we'll show those damn Jerries and when I find out who got Miss Belarus preggers here, I'm going to kick his arse as well... unless Ivan gets here first and then..."

"Oh Arthur..."

Gustav leapt back from the door as a platinum blond-haired woman, wielding a large kitchen knife came hurtling out.

"My Arthur has turned into an uncouth lout!" she shouted to no-one in particular (her mannerisms and mode of speech were turning increasingly English). Hungary came after her.

"Natalya, he doesn't know what he's saying."

"I hate him! He denied ever having been with me! He said he can't possibly be the father!"

"He's just stuck in 1945," Hungary put her arms around Belarus, "He'll come back to you."

"Erm, Miss Héderváry?"

"Yes, Gustav sweetie?"

The large builder flushed red, "We're off now. The swimming pool's just about finished. We can put water in it tomorrow."

"Swimming pool?" Austria stuck his head out of one of the caravan windows, "Swimming pool? Are you having a laugh? What about mein house? Ja? I have nowhere to live..."

Hungary waved 'Gustav' away, "Bye then, see you tomorrow." She turned to Austria, "Shut up, Roddy, we're talking girly problems."

'Roddy' stuck his head back in and wished he hadn't, as the following conversation regarding sleeping arrangements began.

"So who's sleeping where?"

"There's only one bedroom."

"Honhonhon, a foursome! Four nubile young men in one bed... it is a dream come true! I have longed for this..."

"You bloody pervert!"

"I'm not sharing with him!"

"No way, Dude."

"Natalya and I will take the bed," Hungary shouted, "You morons can sleep on the lilo in the lounge."

"Honhonhon that will be wonderful... zis air mattress has plenty of 'give' non?"

"Nein, I will sleep on the couch."

"Dudes, I am totally sharing with Arthur... Arthur don't make me share with Francy, he has wandering hands... I remember one world meeting in Paris and I woke up and his hands were..."

"Oh for heaven's sake, Alfred, man up."

"Oh oui, be a man, Alfred. Be a man with me. I will show you."

"I'm going to get my camera!" Hungary shouted from outside, "Natalya, don't let them start without me."

"I've got Mr Pillow..."

"I've got my bloody gun and if you try to get your hands in my trousers again, you French pervert..."

"And I have my riding crop..."

"Oh mon dieu! No-one wants my love!"

"No we bloody well do not."

As it happened, after much arguing, drinking of wine, cheap Austrian beer and a 'value' bottle of rum, the six Nations settled down, deciding to have their conference in the morning.

Alfred and Arthur shared a sagging air mattress – Arthur with a gun under his pillow, Alfred with his arms wrapped around a pillow. Austria slept on a couch which was rather too small even for him, his feet hanging off the end, this, he thought was even worse than that awful tiny bed and he didn't even have Elizaveta to cuddle.

The two women shared the bed – chatting until the early hours about the stupidity of their respective lovers. France, however, was consigned to the tiny bathroom – the shower cubicle to be precise, the shower-head dripping on him all night. He was not totally unhappy though, as he knew sooner or later someone would come in to relieve themselves and then, 'Zay will be mine, oh yes...' he thought, 'Well, maybe not Miss Bela... or Miss Hungary... non...' – France wanted to retain his testicles.

"We'll save the world in the morning!" the Hero had said, "I mean how hard can it be? This painting thingy, we'll just get it back," Alfred continued, actually disappointed that there would be no gun fights, car chases or other exciting action (little did he know). "Now, I'm beat and I've got jetlag, so shuffle up, Arty and don't hog all the sleeping bag."

Switzerland's House, Berne

"Lily! Are you coming down? I've made hot chocolate!" Switzerland shouted up the stairs to his 'little sister'. He hoped that by making her hot chocolate – from quality chocolate as well – that this could go some way towards easing the tension in the house. He knew she was still angry with him for the way he dealt with Iceland. But that young Viking was not suitable for his sweet, innocent little Lily. After all he was a Viking, and with a brother like Norway, who hung around with that undesirable Denmark, who was a member of this Awesome Trio with Prussia...

"Coming, brother dear." Lily's cheery little voice came wafting down to him.

Vash sat down happily, everything was going to be alright.

Lily entered the room just as Vash was taking a sip of his hot beverage and he almost swallowed his spoon at the sight that greeted him.

"W...W...W...What the ..." words failed him. For once, the irascible Swissman was struggling to enunciate his emotions.

His 'sweet, innocent' little sister stood in the doorway, her black leather miniskirt barely reaching to the top of her thighs - thighs that were encased in ripped black fishnet stockings. At the end of these legs were black, impossibly high heeled boots (she'd borrowed these from Belgium). She wore a black ripped t-shirt with the moniker 'Yes They're Real', which was actually rather silly as Lily had to wear a push-up Wonder-bra to get any cleavage at all. The pinnacle of this make-over though was her hair which she'd dyed a virulent pink and was now stuck up at right-angles. She also had several ear piercings in one ear.

"Lily! What have you done to yourself?" Vash finally got out, his lap covered in hot chocolate, his mouth still open in complete astonishment.

"Do you like it big brother?" Lily tottered into the room and did a quick twirl and almost fell over.

"No, I absolutely do not!" Switzerland all but yelled.

Lily pouted, with bright red lips. Her heavily charcoaled eyes widened and then she blurted out, "Well, I like it!"

"I suppose that Iceland..."

"No, he hates it," she said. In fact she wasn't lying. Iceland had been positively frightened when he'd seen the results of her four hours in the bathroom. This wasn't the sweet beautiful Lily he'd married. "I'm done with that loser anyway," she said.

Vash wasn't sure now what he thought of this, he should be relieved but...

"I've got myself a new man," Lily continued and her voice dropped dramatically, "A real man," she added dangerously, "He wasn't interested in me when I was just a silly little girl, but now I'm a woman..." she imbued the word 'woman' with a suggestive quality.

Vash was horrified to the say the least and he clutched his chair arms, "W...W...What man?" he said.

Lily had to bite her lip from smiling, 'got him hook, line and sinker,' she thought, "Not just a man, big brother," she said.

"A Nation?" Vash asked, he was already planning to get his rifle and shoot whoever was leading his little innocent sister into a life of sin.

Lily laughed, "Oh yes..." she said and then she twirled away, "Nighty night, big brother. I have to have lots of beauty sleep before I meet my lover..." she paid great emphasis on the word 'lover' and took herself off up the stairs, pausing half way up to take off her boots – they were killing her feet.

She finally flung herself into her room, forgetting to sing 'Edelweiss' for her husband as the password and collapsed on the bed laughing.

Downstairs, Vash was tearing around the house, looking for his rifle and ammunition and planning on shooting this 'lover' to Kingdom come.

Viking Ferry Line Helsinki to Tallinn

Estonia, holding Russia's coat, was sat in the bar swigging vodka. He was exhausted. They'd finally managed to 'borrow' Sweden's Volvo and catch the last ferry to Tallinn, Russia driving, unfortunately. Estonia still felt shaken from the car crash, his head ached, his whole body ached and all he wanted was to be back in Leningrad with Katya and his tax return.

Russia was stood on the deck and leaning over the railings. He held in one hand a piece of paper and a pen in the other as he tried to write down his thoughts and emotions for Latvia. He thought that perhaps a letter to her might explain what he felt for her. He was never very good at communication at the best of times and love especially confused and befuddled him.

"Dear Aija," he wrote... and then scrubbed this out and wrote "My dear beloved" and then scrubbed this out and wrote, "My little Latvia" and then decided this sounded too formal. He got no further. He gazed off into the darkness of the Baltic Sea.

Normally his feelings for others were bewildering at the best of times. He feared but loved his little sister, was irritated and occasionally intimidated by his older sister (although he loved her dearly). America annoyed him but he also respected the younger Nation for his strength and optimism (which also irritated him), but he was also grateful for the way in which America had taken care of Alaska.

He had a grudging respect for England – which had multiplied by one hundred after Arthur had taken on Belarus. Austria, Germany, France and Prussia he could happily punch until the sun went down.

He was awkward and gauche around Lily, Belgium, Hungary and the other female Nations (particularly Hungary who frequently hit him with her frying pan). China was his one time best friend and... Russia tried not to think about that. Denmark and Spain were too spacey to punch most of the time and he was wary of Sweden. And he felt possessive and protective of Estonia and Lithuania, this would be extended to Finland if it weren't for Sweden. Poland annoyed the hell out of him but he had a grudging respect for the Pole.

But his feelings for Latvia were, when he really thought about it, clear and sharp. He loved her, adored her and would willingly go to hell and back for her, crawl over broken glass for her, even swim the frozen waters of the Baltic Sea for her.

And he was about to do just that, but not willingly, as a pair of hands gave him an almighty shove and he plummeted down into the inky blackness and the icy waters below.

Author's Notes:

The song "Hitler has only got one ball" is quite a famous tune sung by British soldiers for propaganda purposes during WWII. There were many variants of it.

Lilo – an air mattress/air bed

This would have been up sooner but fanfiction was messing me about and wouldn't let me log on... (probably cos its got a stupidity monitor)

Next Chapter: Lucinda Lovelace's first public appearance, Mrs Russia takes charge, Sealand's big adventure, more Den-Pru and how do you get into the Awesome Trio?