To the newly-elected President:

Welcome to your first day at work as the President of France! We have not been introduced yet, but I will be meeting you very soon. Before we come to that, please read this letter that has been specially written for you.

Greetings, sir or madam, or whatever you are, though I have been hoping for a very long time now that you will be a beautiful madam. If you are not, too bad for me then. My hopes have once again been crushed. But if you are a good-looking man, then I am most pleased and will *this part is unreadable due to the black splotches of ink splashed onto it*

I am the personification of your beloved country France. Before you start questioning my sanity, I can reassure you that this phase of disbelief that you are currently going through is perfectly normal and that there is nothing to be worried about. By the time you have finished reading my letter you'll either a) run screaming out of the building, something which hasn't happened in the last century or so, b) try and get me thrown into jail or c) quietly accept everything that I will tell you.

Oh, France! A beautiful country with an equally beautiful hairsty-oops, I mean history, of course. Ignore that little spelling mistake. So unlike the other barbaric countries around, like that Germany or that wet-as-a-blanket England! You, sir or madam, should be proud of leading a country like me through these times of turbulence and trouble! Of course over the years, there has been a lot of jokes made at the expense of the French (a thousand curses upon you, England!) but I urge you to pay no heed to them, although the French president has always been branded by the rest of the world as somebody who spends too much money on his or her clothes and possess a terrible sense of direction. Again, pay no heed to them.

Recently, a lot of countries have been accusing me of bringing down the entire Eurozone. Ah, those accusations have really hurt me! You, as my president, will be in charge of meeting with the other leaders of the European countries on my behalf, making decisions that you think are the best and generally making everybody feel a little more friendly towards me. (And tell Romania to stay away from me. His fangs always make me feel uncomfortable for unknown reasons.)

Of course, you will also be meeting a lot of times with the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. Ah, Britain! A truly befuddling country of constant rain, tea and terrible, terrible food! It is an old tradition for the new French president to come down with food poisoning the first time he or she visits the United Kingdom, attempts to sample the food there to appease the British Prime Minister and reassure the rest of the world that there is nothing wrong with British cuisine. Of course, the food poisoning is always an unfortunate side-effect of an otherwise diplomatic and international tie-boosting visit. Surprisingly, your predecessors always learnt their lessons fast, and brought their own chefs with them to the United Kingdom. A wise move, I would say.

On the subject of the personification of the United Kingdom himself, when you get to meet him on your first visit to the United Kingdom, do not comment on the state of his messy hair and horrid excuses for eyebrows. Yes, he will be very civil and polite when you talk with him but personally I can tell you, that man is a black-hearted pirate. Should the subject of his eyebrows come up, he will not hesitate to insult you subtlely and come up with another new joke at your expense. If that ever happens to you, the best way to save what's left of your dignity will be to excuse yourself from the room, hide your face under a nearby table or if you'll feeling particularly risque, question him on the rising number of cases of tourists being admitted to English hospitals for suspected food poisoning.

There are a lot of other important matters to tell you about this man, but due to the sensitivity of these matters, I will compile the most important ones into a list simple enough for you to understand. (Of course, not all of them are on him. Did you think I was so obssessed with that pirate?)

1. The first and most important rule of all: If somebody ever threatens you, surrender immediately. Why did you think the French president was always required to carry around a white handkerchief?

2. Whenever England comes around, hide the alcohol. I do not want to deal with a drunk and incoherent Englishman blubbing out all his embarrassing secrets to me.

3. Though I will be most grateful if you could jot down some of the stuff he says. It makes perfect blackmail material.

4. If he demands for the transcript, tell him you have already photocopied it and handed it out to all the representatives of every country in the United Nations General Assembly.

5. Then, I suggest you start running. Fast. And wave your hanky while you're at it.

6. Please, do not anger Russia or Germany. I do not want to start a war with them over whose tanks are better.

7. There is a boy called Canada who looks like me. Please do not mistake him for me. He doesn't likes it very much.

8. If a loud and brash young man wearing glasses comes up to you and demands that you sign so and so document, say in a very loud voice so that everyone can hear you "Oh look at that time! I'm so very late for my next pedicure appointment! See you next time, kid!". Trust me, shaming yourself is better than signing all those documents.

That is all for now. As you read this last sentence, I am standing outside the door, patiently waiting for you to open it and let me in so we can discuss further and quell any doubts that you might have.

Yours sincerely,

Francis Bonnefoy,

France

Yes, France's letter is probably a lot less hilarious than the others but I wanted to write it according to his character personality and to me, France is the type that like to elaborate a lot and show off. Yep, even when it comes to letter writing, especially when the letter is about himself. XD

I'll try to do the major countries first, but no promises on who the next country will be.

Thank you for all the reviews! Was really shocked to see the response it was getting. I wasn't even expecting one favourite, to be honest. :p