I am so sorry it has been such a long time since I last updated this story. I have had a really bad period where I couldn't eat or sleep. This made me sick most of last month and then I had some exams. All your comments about looking forward to the next chapter has really been amazing and one of the biggest reasons I have been able to write this now. I am finally alright again and hope you'll like this next chapter too :D

I haven't gotten in contact with my beta, so this isn't edited... I hope there isn't too many faults

Chapter 20

Naruto ran back home and threw himself onto his bed. It had been a stupid idea. A utterly stupid and idiotic idea and he had no idea why he had done it. Or... he did know.. He had done it because of Sasuke. He didn't know why Sasuke wanted to see him in female clothing, but he had been willing to do it to see if they had a chance. Naruto sighed, it didn't seem like Sasuke wanted to be together with him anymore.

Tears started blurring his sight, and his throat constricted. It was finally over. He had tried everything but it hadn't been enough. He looked down at himself and suddenly the pain over the breakup subsided.

Like a boy.

Miss.

I like your hair.

Your a girl.

Like a boy.

He began tearing at his clothing, wanting it all to get off as soon as possible. He couldn't even look down at himself before he had pulled his binder back over his chest. He ran to the bathroom and pushed his head under the water. He had to get it all off, he had to go back to normal. He rubbed ferociously at his face, not really feeling the pain. Off, off, he just had to get it all off. He looked at himself in the mirror above the sink. He looked more like himself now, a little scared maybe, but not girly.

His jaw was still a faint green-yellowish colour, but the makeup had covered it. He wasn't even sure if Sasuke would have felt bad if he had seen it. Maybe he would have been proud.. he really shouldn't think about him anymore. He felt completely drained and dragged himself back into bed. He leaned against the wall and pulled a pillow into his lap. This had been the worst day ever. He hugged the pillow tightly, softly rocking from side to side. Tears began streaming down his cheeks and he wasn't even sure why anymore. There were so many different feelings welling up inside him, trying to rip him apart.

He had really loved Sasuke. They hadn't really know each other for that long, but somehow Sasuke had managed to grab a hold of his heart... even though right now, it felt more like he was squeezing it until it would explode. And the people.. All the stares. It had been awful. No awful couldn't really cover it. It wasn't really a feeling that could be explained and he didn't know how Sasuke could mean so much to him that he would expose himself to this kind of hurt. He had just managed to feel somehow alright about his body and then he had to do this. He had to completely ruin it. He knew it would take a long time before he would forget the stares and the words.

He pushed his fingers into his arms, tightening his hold on the pillow. He hated himself. He hated his body, he hated how wrong he was, that he was feeling bad over something like this. It shouldn't have to be this hard. His nails was making small dents into his arms, but he didn't feel the pain. He heard a faint knock on the door and slipped out of the painful place in his mind where he had lost himself. He slowly went to the door, still hugging the pillow. He needed something to comfort himself with. He opened the door and saw Hinata on the other side.

"Awww, poor baby" She wrapped her arms around him and rubbed his back soothingly. Hinata had been over earlier that day to help with makeup, hair and clothing and knew he had left to meet Sasuke. It hadn't really been hard to figure out what had happened from the look on Naruto's face or the tears that still hadn't stopped streaming down. Hinata pulled him back to his bed and sat beside him.

"What happened?"

"He don't want to be with me anymore"

"I know it hurts... but soon it won't feel like this anymore" She knew it would be hard for him to get over this and a part of her was feeling guilty for not stopping this before it had gotten this bad.

"I haven't talked to Kiba yet, but you probably should soon"

"I know.."

Kiba had demanded to know what had happened after he had left, but Naruto had just said they needed a break and that he shouldn't worry about him. He had called Hinata and told her to come over earlier but said she couldn't tell Kiba. He knew Kiba would be against this idea and that he would probably try to find Sasuke to beat him up or something.

"I'll talk to him sometime tomorrow, when I feel a little better"

"That's good to hear" Hinata ran her hand up and down his arm.

"What happened?" Naruto looked down to where she was pointing and saw five tiny marks on his arm that was bleeding. He shrugged.

"Naruto.. I know it hurts, but you have to look after yourself" He hadn't even noticed he had actually punctured the skin, the mental pain had obviously been much greater than the physical.

"I tried to call you before I came over, but you didn't answer"

"Oh.. when?"

"An hour ago, I think" Naruto looked at the clock and noticed he had been sitting in his bed, crying for more than an hour. He hadn't even heard his phone rang.

"Sorry, I must have put it on mute" He lied.

"It's fine, do you want me to stay or..?"

"It's fine, I can manage by myself"

"You sure?"

"Yeah"

.

Sasuke rubbed his eyes, feeling the strain from being up all night to read page after page about transgender, dysphoria and different kinds of gender identities. It had been a whole new world he hadn't known anything about. It had been weird at first. He hadn't thought about all these things before, but as he read he could also see the logic in it. It had really made him see things differently and several times he would have a hard time answering the questions they asked.

What made a person a man? If he had been in an accident and lost the lower half of his body would he be any less of a man?

And what about women? Bodybuilders are very muscular and have lost the fat that gave them feminine figures, were they less of a woman than a simple housewife?

He couldn't really answer all of these questions he encountered and that made him realise that everything couldn't be as black and white as he had believed. He had also read a lot about body dysphoria and how it affected people. He knew it was different from person to person, but it surprised him how hard it was to read through some of the stories, thinking that maybe Naruto had had it that bad. The guilt was slowly building up inside him the more he read. How could Naruto still say he liked him even though he had done all those bad things to him? He had been confused and hurt, but still Naruto shouldn't have been that forgiving.

He closed his computer and went down to get something to eat. Sasuke had decided to go over to Naruto's apartment. He wouldn't try to get back together, or not immediately anyway. Firstly he would just apologize, Naruto deserved that much. After that he would try to read the mood and see if Naruto would be crazy enough to actually start again. He knew he was still new to all this and that he had to talk a lot to Naruto about his own feelings and viewpoints, but now he would be a lot more open minded over these things than before.

.

Naruto heard knocking and sighed deeply. It was probably Kiba that was coming over to talk and he couldn't really handle that right now. He had had nightmares all night and hadn't gotten any sleep. He felt so drained both physically and mentally. He opened it anyway, knowing that Kiba would keep knocking until he opened the door.

"Sasuke" Naruto gasped, being taking totally by surprise by the fact that he would stand outside his apartment.

"Uhm.. Hey"

"What are you doing here?" Sasuke didn't like how tired his voice sounded, or the way he looked so pale.

"Are you alright?"

"What do you think?" Naruto spat."That I would be dancing around after what happened yesterday? That I would go out and find someone new like you apparently do?" Sasuke squirmed a bit from the hateful tone.

"I didn't really.. you know, have sex with anyone"

"No, you just said it to hurt me. It was really a low blow, Sasuke. You even mixed in how my body is different and therefore I wouldn't be able to have sex with you like they could" Sasuke flinched. He did that, didn't he? He had just been so hurt, that he tried to hurt him in every way he could. He didn't know what Naruto was going through and how bad that little sentence could be.

"I wanted to talk"

"And what if I don't want to talk?" Sasuke hadn't thought about this. He had been sure Naruto would let him in and that they would talk it all through, this complicated things a bit.

"I wanted to apologize"

"What?" Naruto frowned, he had been sure Sasuke didn't like him anymore and was just coming to taunt him even more.

"Yeah, so can I come in?" Naruto opened the door fully, and let Sasuke inside. Sasuke went in and sat down on the couch like always, the familiarity of it all felt somewhat surreal right now. Naruto leaned against the wall, not wanting to be too close to Sasuke right now.

"I read about what transgender means..." Naruto snorted, he knew he shouldn't feel this anger towards Sasuke, but he still felt too raw inside after all he had done.

"I'm..." Sasuke swallowed, he had never had to apologize before and it was harder than he thought.

"I'm s-sorry"

"Alright" Naruto nodded, accepting the apology to some extent.

"I know this sounds mean, but look at it from my perspective."

"Your perspective?" Naruto growled.

"Yeah, I've grown up learning that a girl is a girl and have to wear a dress while a boy is a boy and have to wear pants. At first I even had trouble with the whole gay thing and liking feminine boys, just because of my upbringing. It's not like I was exposed to the outside when I was a kid, I haven't heard of all these terms and ideas. I would have reacted different if I have known about all these things before you told me about yourself. I was just hurt. I have never liked anyone before and I thought you were just making fun of me, so I wanted to hurt you too.

Naruto slowly came closer and sat beside Sasuke on the couch.

"I know.. It's just easier to be mad at you"

"I tried that too, but it doesn't work that well"

"I should have told you about these things before. I know it must have been a shock to you. I was just so scared that you would hate me and wouldn't want to be together with me anymore"

"I'm really sorry" Sasuke took his hand and gently rubbed his thumb against the back. "I'm so sorry"

"It's fine" Naruto said tiredly, but the tiny smile gave Sasuke some hope.

"You don't look that well"

"I haven't been able to sleep..."

"Because of me?" Naruto's smile grew bigger.

"Not everything revolves around you" Sasuke didn't know if he was trying to change the subject or if he was just turning back to their usual banter.

"It was just a bad idea to go outside in female clothing.." Sasuke felt the guilt spread through him again, he shouldn't have made him do that.

"You shouldn't have done that"

"And who was it that made me do it?"

"I didn't know what it would do to you.. You should have said something or just shown up in your normal clothing"

"Love makes you blind"

"I.. I uhm.. I still like you, and now I that we have talked this through.. I was wondering if.."

"Wow, I didn't think a day would come where you wouldn't be able to construct a simple sentence" Naruto laughed softly. Sasuke scowled.

"I can construct a simple sentence"

"Yeah, yeah. It doesn't sound like that to me" Naruto couldn't help but tease him, feeling much more relaxed around him than earlier.

"I just wanted to say.. I still like you and I want to continue where we left off" Naruto blinked several times, being caught by surprise. "

You want to.." Sasuke nodded.

"Start over, yeah"

"We can't, Sasuke, it doesn't work like that"

"Why not? I know about you now"

"But it won't just be a continuation. It'll be different now"

"Alright" Sasuke got up and walked out the door. Naruto just sat there looking at him, feeling very confused. He heard a soft knocking on the door and got up. Had Sasuke just left him? Was that the right thing to do? Should he have tried first? And had he forgotten something since he was now knocking on the door? So many questions. He slowly opened the door.

"Hey, my name is Sasuke and I heard there was an extremely interesting boy who lived here" He reached out his hand and Naruto dumbfounded just took it and shook his hand.

"I-I'm Naruto?"

"Hey, Naruto, nice to meet you. Can I come inside, so we can talk?"

"Uhm.. Sasuke what is going on?"

"If we can't continue, we can start over from scratch."

"Uhm.. maybe"

"But you have to tell me everything now. I can't have you holding back things like before. If there is something, tell me."

"Alright" Sasuke moved inside again and dragged Naruto back to the couch.

"So uhm.. How should we do this?" Sasuke took his hand again.

"We can start by you telling me more about the real you, and not the one you're pretending to be. Other than that we just act like we used to."

"The real me?"

"Yeah, I have read a lot of things, but I know it's different from person to person, so I want to hear about how you're feeling. I know some people get hormone treatment and some even gets operations to look like how they feel. I also know some people have serious issues with depressions because of their body dysphoria.. such things. I just want to know about how you're dealing with it and what your plans for the future are right now, so I know what I'm dealing with and how to help you. I don't know how to treat you right if you don't tell me everything" Naruto was completely still. He hadn't really thought Sasuke would be this open-minded after yesterday. He didn't really like talking about these things, but Sasuke was right. They would never be able to have a real relationship, if he didn't tell him about his boundaries.

"I want the hormones and operations.. but I don't have enough money right now, so I just have to live with what I can buy. I have a couple of binders, that makes my chest flat and that has really helped with being able to go outside. But it's not enough, just because it makes me flat when I'm outside doesn't mean they are gone. I won't be able to be naked in front of someone because of it" He looked up at Sasuke

"Sorry"

"It's fine, don't worry about it"

"I also have gotten chest inflammation and sometimes I even have serious pains in my lower back because of the pressure. That's why I start most of my days with eating painkillers. I have read a lot about all these operations and hormone treatments. I don't know what you have read, but it's not that rosy-coloured as you would think. There is serious side effects with everything and I have to think about that too. The operations can go really bad and are very painful. I won't be able to go about my day as normal for a very long time and it's not like I have someone who can take care of me and make money so I can keep the apartment. I have also read that the suicide rate after operations are high, which psychologists thinks is because people think everything will be as they should after the operations and the hormones.. but truth is.. You will never be 100% like all the other boys or girls. Your body will look like one, here like being the important word. It's always like. My body could be able to fool everybody around me, but a normal boy don't have to take hormones all the time in fear of making the progress regress. It's just.. There are so many things to take into consideration and to be honest.. I'm afraid" Sasuke wrapped his arms around him and pulled him close.

"It'll be alright. I'll be here now" Sasuke just hoped that would be enough. He didn't know all the negative sides to he operations and such, he had just been sure there was a solution and then everything would be the way it should have.

I hope you liked it. I have already written some of the next chapter and it should be up soon.