Disclaimer: Here is a list of things that I don't own: Hetalia, Avenue Q, and the concept of Schadenfreude. However, I do love all of these things, and intensely. So, so very intensely...
Lovino threw a dirty look at Ludwig, his blind date. How the hell did he end up with a German from that shitty speed dating site? And a male German, at that? He could've sworn that he'd listed himself as interested in women...Feli had probably been messing around with his laptop again. But anyway, at least a German lady would have had enormous knockers that he could focus on in order to distract himself from the fact that she was from the land of Disco Pogo and Volkswagens.
He sighed. Looks like he would have to content himself to sit back and endure this extremely awkward IHOP meal. Yup, he would choke down his misery and just focus on eating his tomato omelette while imagining Ludwig with a sweet set of tits and try to ignore the stench of the hash browns wafting towards him from his date's plate. God, he hated potatoes...
Ludwig noticed Lovino's despondent expression and put his fork down. Gott, but the misery on his face stirred something deep in him, something visceral and primal and probably not completely healthy. In fact, he was pretty sure that it was the opposite of healthy, in fact. But damn, did his date's sadness make him feel good. Yes, good. In fact, it made him feel so good that he was tempted to burst into raucous laughter. But that wouldn't do. He made a point of not laughing too much. Had to keep up the image of the Germanic depressive, you know. Which was most likely the reason why he found himself so cheered by the misery of others, now that he thought about it...
"So...I take it that you're not particularly pleased with this?" Ludwig said slowly.
Lovino looked up from his plate and glared. "No shit, potato fucker," he snarled. "I thought that I was getting a date with a hot Belgian girl and instead I find you; Tall, Blonde, and Steroidal." He threw down his napkin disgustedly. "No offense, okay well no, I do mean this offensively. I'm not all that interested in dicks. Especially not Kraut-smelling German ones!"
Ludwig frowned, offended at this attack on his personal hygiene. "I'll have you know that I'm very obsessive about cleanliness," he said.
"I don't care how clean it is, Klaus! Your knob can be polished to the point that I can see my reflection in it or have enough cheese for a bagel. Point is, I don't want it!" Lovino shrieked, causing several people to stare curiously at them. He reddened and buried his face in his hands, obviously humiliated.
Oh Gott, there it is again. Unable to resist the voices spurring him to lap up the other man's sorrow like sweet nectar, Ludwig pushed his plate aside and stood up. "You hate this date, don't you?" He said. "It's the single worst day of your life, isn't it? Right now, you're down and out and feeling extremely crappy."
Lovino sighed, all the fight having been drained from him. "I'll say," he mumbled.
Ludwig folded his hands on the table, eyes gleaming. "You know, when I see how distressed you are...It makes me...happy."
"What the-Lovino gaped at him. "Happy? You sick son a bitch! You like seeing other people miserable?" He shouted.
Ludwig shrugged. "I suppose I have no choice but to express myself through song. It's strange, but people all around New York City have been overtaken by the urge to perform song and dance numbers for some reason. It's spreading like AIDs." He coughed. "But I won't be dancing. I don't do dancing. But just hear me out here, all right?"
Lovino rolled his eyes and blew his stray curl out of his face. "Just get on with it," he muttered.
Ludwig cleared his throat. "Very well." With that said, he began to sing.
"Sorry, but it's just human nature,"
"There's nothing I can do,"
"It's...
"Schadenfreude!"
"Making me feel glad that I'm not you!"
Lovino placed his chin in his hand, unimpressed. "Tch. And people say that I'm an asshole."
Ludwig shrugged noncommittally. "No one said it's nice. But everybody does it."
"Didn't you clap earlier when that waitress fell and dropped all those glasses?"
Lovino shifted uncomfortably in his chair, looking embarrassed. "Well...Yeah,' he admitted grudgingly.
Ludwig's mouth twitched up imperceptibly at the corner.
"Und isn't it hilarious to watch figure skaters fall on their asses?"
At that, Lovino burst out laughing. "Ahahaha! Oh man, remember that time on TV that one chick was dropped on her head by her partner? Bitch totally ate shit!"
Looking triumphant, Ludwig sat down again and edged closer to Lovino.
"Don't you just feel all warm and cosy,"
"Watching people out in the rain?"
Lovino smirked. "Hell yeah. It's always been my dream to refuse someone shelter from a hurricane."
Having gotten his point across, Ludwig began to sing again.
"See, that's..."
"Schadenfreude!"
"People taking pleasure in your pain!"
Lovino looked thoughtful. "Schadenfreude, huh? That some kinda Nazi word or something?"
"Well, it's a German phrase roughly translated as "happiness at the misfortune of others," Ludwig explained.
"Meh. Nazi, German," Lovino said flippantly. "Same shit, different toilet." His eyes lit up. "Happiness at the misfortune of others...Damn, that is German! Ooh, I've got an example:
"Watching a vegetarian being told she just ate chicken!"
Ludwig smiled for real this time before belting out the next line.
"Or watching a frat boy realize what he just put his dick in!"
Not to be outdone, Lovino came up with the next one.
"Being on an elevator when somebody shouts "hold the door!"
"No! Schadenfreude!" They both sang.
"Fuck you lady, that's what stairs are for!" Ludwig added.
"Ooh, how about straight-A students getting B's?" Lovino suggested.
"Even better: exes getting STD's!" Ludwig said.
"Waking doormen from their naps!" Lovino trilled.
"Watching tourists reading maps!" Ludwig belted out.
"Rugby players getting tackled!" Lovino shouted
"CEOs getting shackled!" Ludwig bellowed.
"Watching actors never reach..." Lovino began.
The two of them looked at each other and nodded before singing in unison:
"The ending of their Oscar speech!"
"Schadenfreude!"
"Schadenfreude!"
"Schadenfreude!"
"Schadenfreude!"
"The world needs people like you and me,"
"Who've been knocked around by fate."
"'Cus when people see us,"
"They don't want to be us,"
"Und that makes them feel great!" Ludwig sang.
"Hey, we're providing a vital service to society, so they ought to be sucking our balls in thanks!" Lovino said.
They threw their arms around one another and shouted the last segment.
"You and me!"
"Schadenfreude!"
"Making the world a better place..."
"Making the world a better place..."
"Making the world a better place..."
"To be!"
"S-C-H-A-D-E-N-F-R-E-U-D-E!" Ludwig added at the last minute.
Wiping a tear of laughter from his eye, Lovino turned around in his seat to look at Ludwig. "You know, I was wrong about you. Sure, you're a macho potato muncher who's probably a closet sadomasochist and has an Anti-Semitic grandfather covered in Swastika tattoos, but deep down, you're as much of a misanthropic dick as I am." He sighed. "You know, that last bit of our song kind of disappointed me. The last thing we want to do is make the world a better place for other people through our misery. They should be making us feel better with their misery!"
Ludwig gazed at him in wide-eyed admiration. "Mein Gott, you're right!" Looking somewhat bashful, he held out a hand to Lovino. "Would you care to laugh at the misery of the corner store owner with me?" He asked. "I heard that he got robbed last night. All of the money in his register was stolen, the shelves were cleared, and what's left is in shambles. Apparently, one of the thieves even took a shit on his floor. What do you say?"
Smiling widely, Lovino grasped Ludwig's hand, pulled him out of his chair, and linked his arm through his. "It's a date, Hasselholf."