Thanks for all the reviews so quick, and thanks for all your ideas. I love it, keep them coming. Don't get sad yet… just stay tuned!
Also, what did everyone think of the final Twilight movie? Did anyone cry, gasp, and yell at the screen in fury like I did? I want to know what you guys thought!
And Happy New Year!
Edward wasn't listening to me; he was panicking and didn't know what to do. I couldn't even comprehend what was happening. All I knew is I was losing my baby and it was too late to stop it. There was nothing Carlisle could do, nothing Edward, I, or any doctor in the world could do. This was it, the baby I was so against having was teaching me a lesson. I looked over at my panicking husband and saw that his hands were now stained with my blood, our baby.
"Edward" I cried, my voice hoarse
"I need to call Carlisle; he'll know what to do"
"Edward" I begged grabbing his stained hands "Honey, it's too late. I lost our baby"
He dropped the phone from his hands and sunk onto the floor, his head in his hands. I dropped down next to him and placed my head on his shoulder while rubbing his back.
"I'm so sorry love. I should've brought you to the doctor's sooner, we should've at least told Carlisle so he could…"
"Hey…it's not your fault. Please…just… hold me"
I hated seeing Edward so broken but he needed to let it all out. He was always the strong one in our relationship. If we were going to mourn then we needed to do it together, without being bombarded by the family. Without saying anything Edward lifted me so I was placed in his lap. His strong arms wrapped around me as he soothingly rocked us. My tears didn't stop and I felt like his arms were keeping me together.
"Why don't I get you cleaned up, then we can call Carlisle"
"No" I yelled "There's nothing he can do and I just want to be alone with you tonight, please?"
"Love…" he sighed
I looked up at him with tear- stained eyes "Edward please"
He nodded and helped me get up, guiding me like a… child to the bathroom. He went and turned the bath water on, pausing to look at me. I looked away and wiped the tears that kept falling. I walked over to the sink and turned the water on, washing the blood from my hands. Even though they were clean after a minute I continued to scrub them. I heard Edward get up and pull me away from the sink.
"Hey sweetie, it's alright" he hushed bringing me around so my face was pushed into his chest. "Come on; let me take care of you"
As soon as I sunk into the bath, the blood surrounding my lower region submerged itself in the water. I let out a painful moan as I really took in what had happened. Edward didn't push me though; he let me hover above the water for a minute until I was ready to lower myself. With careful movements I cleaned myself with a washcloth while he scrubbed shampoo through my hair. As I ran the cloth over my stomach my hand froze and I started breathing heavy.
"Okay I think it's time to get out" He must have seen the expression on my face
He drained the water and lifted me out of the bath, wrapping a towel around my shaking shoulders in the process.
"I'll leave you to get dressed"
He gave me a warm smile but it didn't reach his eyes. I quickly put a pad on and wrapped a robe around myself. The last thing I cared about was getting ready for bed. Once I was ready I walked into our dark bedroom and over to the bed. I ran my hand over the sheet to see that a puddle of blood stained over the mattress. I started shaking again and dropped down to my knees in sorrow. Not more then 10 minutes ago my baby was safely growing inside me. Edward came in behind me and quickly removed the bloody sheet and tossed it to the side of the room, placing a new one on. He lifted me up with ease and I lay curled up, already letting the tears escape my eyes. I just wanted to wake up from this nightmare already. Not more then 10 seconds later I felt cool arms around me and lips on my head.
"This is all my fault" I cried "The baby was teaching me a lesson"
"What on Earth do you mean? You would find a way to blame this on yourself"
"When we found out I wasn't happy, I was mad and now the baby is giving me what I deserve" I was having problems talking through my tears
"No Bella, no" he hushed pulling me closer "This was a terrible ACCIDENT. This wasn't anyone's fault"
"I feel so helpless. There were complications with Ryan and now this. Maybe this just wasn't meant to be"
"What wasn't?" his hand stroked soothingly up my arm leaving goose bumps in his path
"You should have just changed me, right after I had Ryan and none of this would be happening. We would be happy and safe and together. I feel like I failed you"
"Bella, you listen to me. We will be happy and safe and in case you haven't noticed, we are together"
"But..."
"No buts. I'm not going anywhere and we'll get through this together"
"I don't want to get through this, we shouldn't have to. I just want to wake up and realize this was all a dream"
I wrapped my arms around his neck and cried relentlessly and I could hear him dry sobbing as well.
"I want to take you to Carlisle tomorrow…"
"No" I protested. I wasn't ready to tell anyone what happened yet
"Let me finish please. I just want him to make sure you're okay and there's no damage down there. Maybe he can figure out what caused the…miscarriage. So if we want to try again… we can try and prevent this from happening again"
"I don't want to try again" I said sternly "One you miscarry you're likely to never carry a baby to full term. I can't keep going through this"
"I know but you're forgetting the fact that the father is half vampire. Maybe we'll have some luck, it can't hurt to ask him and you're getting checked out either way. Even if I have to drag you"
"Fine but I don't want to try again" my voice shaking with every word I spoke "I can't put us through it again"
"Okay love we won't" he hushed "Just take a deep breath and calm down. You're going to have a panic attack"
"I'm sorry"
I repeated for the rest of the night until I fell asleep and it had a double meaning. Sorry because I almost made myself have a panic attack. And sorry because I lost our baby.
The light streaming through curtains woke me up roughly. I was not ready to face the day and deal with this loss. I was dreaming all night of everything being okay and Edward and I holding another baby. I didn't even open my eyes before I was crying face down into the pillow again. I was waiting for Edward to come and comfort me, but I realized I was alone. After a minute I sat up and wrapped my arms around my empty stomach, angrily wiping my tears that wouldn't stop.
"Oh god" I mumbled "I can't do this"
I stared down at my hands that were folded over my stomach. Not more then 7 hours ago our third baby was happily being nurtured by me. But that was all ripped away from me. I didn't want to face the family, I just told them we were having another baby and they were all so excited. I feel like I failed them again and again. There was a knock on the door and Edward poked his head through.
"Hey, are you doing okay?"
I just shook my head no, not trusting my voice. He sighed and looked down at the floor before speaking.
"The kids are awake. I'm going to go and make some breakfast"
"Uh…okay" I said shakily "I'll be down in a minute"
He closed the door and I unwillingly got myself out of bed. I slung my robe on and trudged the short distance into the kitchen. Abby was sitting in her highchair while Ryan was sitting in his bouncy seat on the counter.
"Mommy" she jumped up and down in her seat excitedly
Edward kept his back to me; I just assumed he didn't want to leave whatever he was cooking. I walked over to my daughter as she held her hands out, wanting to be picked up. I went to grab her but my back protested causing me to stop halfway.
"Jeez you're getting heavy"
"Careful Bella" Edward grabbed her out of my arms placing her back in the highchair
"She wanted me to pick her up" I whined
"I know but I have her breakfast ready anyways" he placed a small plate of scrambled eggs in front of her, handing her a fork she dug in
"Please sit down" he gestured towards the island
I could tell that he was stressed this morning. Usually I would walk into the kitchen and he would be the first to give me a kiss. But quite frankly I wasn't in the mood today either. Not wanting to cause any more trouble I sat quietly in the chair and ate my breakfast.
"Have you called Carlisle yet?" I asked
"Yes, he'll be over here in a little while. We'll have Esme watch the kids here, and head to the hospital"
"Does he know" I cried putting my head on the counter
"No" he placed a comforting hand on my back "I figured you rather not blurt this out to everyone yet-at least till we know what's going on"
I nodded and brought my dish to the sink. I heard Edward sigh, going to clean Abby up before placing her in the playroom.
"I don't know what to say to make you feel better" he said sadly
"Me neither"
I looked into his eyes as he stood leaning against the counter, looking at the floor. I couldn't be away from him any longer. Without thinking I ran at full speed towards him, slamming into his body and wrapping my arms around his waist. He seemed surprised for a second but I felt his arms wrap around me as well.
"I don't want this to drive a wedge between us. I need you more than I ever have right now and I feel like you're pushing me away"
I felt his arms tightened as he buried his face in my neck.
"I never meant to push you away and I'm sorry if it came off as that. I just don't know how to cope with this"
"We do it together" I said simply "Talk to me"
I knew he was about to say something but a knock on the door interrupted us. Edward unwound himself from me to let his father in. I walked over to where Ryan was kicking happily in his seat. I unbuckled him and cradled him in my arms, he smiled lovingly at me.
"With all the fuss daddy forgot to give you breakfast huh?"
I quickly got his bottle ready and popped it in his mouth, going to greet Carlisle in the living room. They were already sitting down on the couch and I went to join Edward.
"So what's going on?" he asked confused to why we asked him to come over alone this early in the morning.
"I had a miscarriage" I cried
No one said anything and my eyes focused on the bottle that I was feeding to my son. I reached up to stroke his cheek.
"Guys, I'm so sorry, when did this happen?"
"Last night" Edward said "About a half hour after we got back"
Carlisle sighed and looked at his watch "That was almost 10 hours ago, why didn't you call or bring her to the hospital?"
"It was too late" I whined "by the time I woke up there was a puddle of blood…and our baby… was gone"
By this point I was sobbing so bad that my hands were shaking. Edward took Ryan from my arms to continue feeding him. Carlisle moved from his position on the other side of the room to sit next to me. I found myself slowly leaning towards him till my head was rested on his shoulder.
"I'm so sorry honey" he kissed the top of my head "will you let me do an ultrasound to check if everything's okay?"
"Will it hurt?"
"I would like to say no, but I can't be 100 percent sure, it will probably be uncomfortable"
"Do I have to look?"
"No Bella" he sighed sadly
I nodded thankful that I didn't have to be too involved with the check up. Without warning I started blubbering like an idiot, not caring who heard me. Carlisle seemed shocked by my outburst but tried his best in comforting me.
"I'm…such a…failure" I then looked up at my husband who was standing over us "I'm so…sorry…Edward"
He placed Ryan in the playpen near us and knelt down in front of me. He rested a cool hand on my knee, waiting till I met his gaze to speak.
"Stop blaming yourself" he wiped the tears away "I can't stand to see you this upset"
"Why don't we call Esme to come watch the kids and we'll head to the hospital okay? I think it will give us all a sense of peace" Carlisle said gently taping the end of my chin before pulling out his phone.
Edward took this opportunity to slide me over so I was sitting on his lap. He rested his head against my neck, peppering kisses. I was content for the moment just sitting there; it got me thinking about my change. I wish I was a vampire so I could run all the way to Canada. But on second though, if I was a vampire we wouldn't be in this situation.
"Esme's here, come on we don't want her asking any question yet"
Edward brought us right through the back door where Carlisle's Mercedes was waiting. He opened the door and we both slid in the back quietly. I looked around and saw Esme talking with Carlisle looking confused, probably wondering where we were going and why she was being asked to baby-sit, here, and alone. They talked for another minute until she made her way into the house.
"What did you tell her?" Edward asked as his father revved up the engine
"Something important came up that we have to take care of. I promised that everything would be okay"
I nodded and turned my head towards the window, watching the tress fly by us. I could almost feel Edward's eyes staring at the back of my head. Without thinking I rested my hand on my empty stomach silently crying for our lost son or daughter. Edward reached over and pulled my hand away, squeezing it lightly in his own.
"Bella" Carlisle started "When we get there, we'll just pretend were doing an ultrasound. I'll check you out and make sure everything's okay. That way no one has to know"
"Was Esme suspicious?" I asked
He looked at me through the review mirror "She knows something is wrong"
"I don't like lying to her" I cried
"We're not really lying love; we're just not telling her where we're going"
"I still don't like it" I huffed, Esme was like a second mother to me
"Would you rather have an audience in the ultrasound room?" he raised an eyebrow
I shook my head and moved to lie down on Edward's lap so my head was resting against his thighs. He placed his hand on my back, rubbing soothing circles. I knew he liked being close to me and right know we were the only ones keeping the other calm. To make me more comfortable he slid down in his seat so he could rest his head on the headrest.
"I wish we were spending our fist couple years of marriage different"
"How do you mean?" I didn't regret our marriage
"I mean it's been filled with so much sorrow and heartbreak" he paused for a second "You getting taken from me, almost losing you, Ryan not being as healthy as he could've been, your grandmother, and now this. It's not what I had planned for us love"
"That's why it's called life Edward. There is no plan; you didn't honestly think it'd be a smooth ride did you?"
"Smoother then this"
Carlisle pulled up in the back of the hospital so we wouldn't be seen. Sometimes it came in handy to have connections. Once parked in the small garage, I stumbled out of the car and Edward tightened the hold on my hand, nervous for a vampire. We were lead into a room and already knowing the drill I hoped onto the table and started swinging my legs impatiently. Carlisle went to plug in the ultrasound machine and dragged it over.
"No one will know we were here I promise. It won't even go on records"
"Good, I don't want Charlie finding out like that"
"Okay Bella you know the routine" the was no emotion in his voice
I scooted down towards the end of the bed and rolled up my shirt. Edward sat in a chair next to me and had my hand wrapped tightly in his.
"I love you" I whispered running my fingers through his tousled hair
"I love you too"
Carlisle flicked the machine on and placed the wand on my stomach. No one was surprised when silence echoed around us. Silent tears fell down my cheeks as the blank, silent screen. He moved the wand around just to be sure but there nothing, I was empty.
"Oh god" I whimpered turning my face into Edward's arm
He buried his head in my arm and together we sobbed for the baby that was no longer there.
"I'm so sorry guys" Carlisle said remorsefully "Bella can I check you to make sure there's no damage?"
I made no move to acknowledge him and instead turned my body so I was almost on top of my husband. He reacted quickly by picking his head up and wrapping his arms around me.
"Shh love" he stroked my hair lovingly
"I can't get over this" I sobbed heavily into his shoulder