The mood was very somber when we returned home. Edward fished for the keys to our house and unlocked the door. It was still very dark, seeing it was still early. I stepped over the threshold. The warm air surrounded my face as I entered our house. Esme was sitting on the couch, her nose engrossed in a book. She smiled when she saw me but I just frowned in response.
"Bella honey what's going on?" she was in front of me in one second, hands on my shoulders
"Nothing" I wiped my tears
I heard Edward and Carlisle walk into the room and I turned my head away from Esme. Edward placed a hand on my back, rubbing softly.
"Everything's fine Esme" he told his mother
My eyes stared straight at out bedroom and I wanted nothing more then to curl up in the blankets and never come out.
"I'm going back to bed" I announced pulling away from them
"I'll be right there love" he sighed and I knew all eyes were on me as I left
I couldn't look in the faces of my family without having another breakdown like I did at the hospital. I wanted to be there for him this one time but I couldn't bring myself around to do it. It took Edward 10 minutes to calm me down and he had to carry me out to the car. I walked into Abby and Ryan's room, relieved that they were still sleeping. They had no idea of the horrors that had occurred only hours ago. Staring down at my baby girl I wanted nothing more to cuddle with her in my bed. I know I should've left her alone but I quietly lifted her up from her crib and cradled her to my chest.
"Mommy" she mumbled resting her head against me
"I missed you" I cried "Do you want to go lie in bed with mommy?"
Her hand dangled sleepily against her side and I laughed walking into the bedroom. I lay her down and wrap her baby blanket around her. I lay down next to her, placing my arm over her stomach.
"Mommy loves you so much, I'm so sorry that I can't give you another baby sister or brother"
I looked at her face but she was already sleeping. The door opened and I felt weight on the bed.
"They left" Edward whispered "Are you doing better?"
I shook my head no and focused my eyes on my daughter. I turned to look at him but he had an amused yet worried expression covering his features.
"I needed her close to me" I whimpered
Edward leaned down to kiss her cheek and then pulled his big gold comforter over all three of us.
"Everything will be okay" he whispered
"You don't know that"
He thought for a moment "You're right I don't, but I do know that it will get better. That I can promise you"
I snuggled up closer to my daughter and husband fearing what tomorrow would bring.
When I woke up Edward was gone but Abby was still next to me. The clock read 7:15 so He must have been getting Ryan up. Pulling myself out of bed I reached over to gather Abby into my arms. Her eyes were wide open and I could hear her little tummy growl.
"Let's go get you some breakfast huh?" I bounced her on my hip
Edward was already there cooking away. Ryan was in his bouncy seat on the counter and I placed Abby in her high chair.
"Good morning" I went up to wrap my arms around his waist
"How are you, love?"
"Much better"
"Go sit down, breakfast is ready"
He placed a plate of ham and French toast in front of me and gave Abby a small bowl with cut up pieces.
"Do you think he can have some?" Edward asked
"Yea just feed him small pieces though"
He nodded and pulled up a chair in front of his son, feeding him small pieces of toast.
"Are you planning on going hunting today? I asked
"No, not till next weekend, why?"
"I wanted to get out of the house for a little while. Maybe go grocery shopping or something?"
"Do you want me to go with you?"
"No, I rather go by myself"
He sighed and turned to look at me "I'd rather you didn't"
"I'll be fine Edward" I whined "I just need to clear my head for a little while. I have to go and get some food anyways"
"I don't know…"
"Please, it would really help"
"Bella"
"I promise I'll call as soon as I get there and when I'm leaving. I'll only be gone an hour"
"Fine but please be careful"
My ride to the store was pretty quiet; Edward let me use his Volvo, saying that it was the safest car. I quickly stepped out and grabbed a shopping cart. I quickly texted Edward to let him know that I had arrived safely and started my quest up and down the aisles.
What do I need?"
I grabbed some fruits and more jars of baby food, along with wipes, ice cream, and more eggs. A lady was walking next to me and she seemed to be about 5 months pregnant. I felt myself getting upset. My hands reached down to slowly rub my flat stomach as I looked down to see what aisle I was in. there was a bottle of vodka staring straight at me.
"You don't need to do this Bella" I told myself
Somehow I ended up reaching down and picking up the largest bottle. I knew I shouldn't do this but I felt this strong urge to let go for a little while and everyone drinks. It's not like I was an alcoholic. I quickly paid using the gold platted credit card Edward gave me. This way no one asked any questions. I quickly drove home, tempted to open the bottle now but knowing Edward wouldn't be pleased if I got in an accident. I already knew he'd be upset about the vodka. When I pulled up into our rock driveway I quickly looked through the windows of our house to make sure he wasn't waiting for me.
"You'll feel so much better if you drink it" I gave myself reinforcements
I quickly unscrewed the bottle and started chugging it down as quickly as I could. It burned my throat and the taste was awful but I wanted to forget about my life for just a little while. I could feel my hands going numb so I knew I must've been getting pretty drunk. I felt like this wasn't doing anything, maybe if I drink more. Before I knew it there were only about 4 or 5 sips left and I felt like I was going to puke. I laid my head on the steering wheel and closed my eyes.
"Much better" I sighed shaking as I lifted the bottle to my lips once more
All of a sudden the door was wrenched open and I heard a gasp. Edward caught me red handed.
"What the hell did you do?" he exclaimed
"I was just having a drink" I slurred
"How much did you drink? I swear to god if you were drinking and driving- Bella so help me god you better not of"
I moved to take another sip but he snatched the bottle from my hands before I could. He was really mad and I don't blame him.
"Did you drink all of this?" he asked eyeing the rather large bottle
"Yes" I cried burying my face in my hands
He seemed to soften up a little bit at my out burst and placed a comforting hand on my back.
"What were you thinking love?"
"I was just shopping and I saw this lady and she was pregnant. Then I saw the bottle…I just wanted to erase what's going on for a little while"
"This is not the answer" he stressed
"I know" I furiously wiped my tears away
"You reek of alcohol, you going to need a shower"
"I don't feel so good" I felt like death, I don't know why people thought this was fun
"I have a feeling you'll be throwing for quite a while" he said sadly "This is a first for us. I never thought I'd see you drunk"
"I am not drunk" my words slurred
"Bella"
"Maybe a little" I surrendered "Ugh, great what was I thinking?"
"Why won't you talk to me?" he pleaded stroking my hair
"Because I don't know what's wrong"
"Let's go inside then" he hushed
He helped me out of the car but my legs gave out and I almost fell.
"Maybe I should carry you" he laughed "You're going to have a hell of a hangover when you wake up"
He brought me into our bedroom and laid me on the bed. My eyes were already closing as he removed my shoes and jacket.
"I'm sorry" I cried
"I'm sorry too" he leaned down to kiss the top of my head "I'm sorry that you felt this was the only way to help"
"It's not that I can't talk to you…" I suddenly felt awful about myself
"I know, love" he laughed slightly "Try and get some sleep, we can talk more lately okay?"
I nodded and he shut the door, shutting the lights in the process. I never fell into a deep sleep, but I move restlessly tangling in the blankets. I could already feel the headache coming on and I grabbed a pillow to throw over my head. I heard Ryan crying and Abby yelling, Edward probably wasn't too happy that he was looking after to cranky kids while his wife was asleep, drunk in the other room. Eventually they quieted down and I heard a kids TV show playing in the living room. I think I fell asleep at some point because when I woke up it was strangely and my head was pounding.
"Edward" I whispered
He was in the room the next second and crouched down next to me
"My head" I moaned "Why is it so quiet?"
"I just put the kids down for a nap"
I sat up so my knees were hanging along the bed and I buried my face in my hands, ashamed. I started crying again not wanting to look at him.
"Love" he placed his hands on my knees "You're okay, just take deep breaths"
It wasn't working and instead I got up and ran into the bathroom. I felt like my stomach was coming out of me. My throat burned and I heaved horribly. Edward rubbed my back and held my hair back. Knowing I wasn't going to be done for a while I rested my head on the toilet sear, waiting for the next round.
"What was I thinking?"
"You weren't, you just wonted to rid yourself of life at the moment. This was the way you had to do it. Know you know this wasn't the answer"
"Never again" I cried and my head turned back into the toilet
That's how I spent the rest of my day, on the bathroom floor puking my guts out. Edward would check up on me frequently but he had to entertain the kids once they got up. He brought me in a pillow and blanket after the first hour once I told him I wasn't moving until this was over. Every time I threw up he would lecture me on what bad judgment I had and that I should talk to him. I guess it was better then having him yelling or ignoring me.