Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia or Avenue Q. I do, however, have family members who have torn up and thrown away their jury duty summons, which is the subject of this next song. As for me...I actually took my civic duty to heart and went when I was summoned in June 2011 just so that I could troll the judge and attorneys giving me the voir dire by giving increasingly rude and at times nonsensical answers until they gave up and dismissed me. And then my father died nine days later. True story. Anyway, be prepared for the groin-punch that is Japan and North Italy's interpretation of Kate and Nicky's "Tear It Up and Throw It Away!"
Down in the post room of his apartment building, Kiku shuffled haphazardly through his mail. "Verizon FIOS bill, hentai website bill, D-Cup Honey's pay-per-view porno bill...JURY DUTY?' He exclaimed. Eyes sliding down to the bottom of the official-looking document, he saw to his immense horror that he was expected to be at City Hall on September 21, 2012.
Kiku gaped at the paper and his hands began to tremble. "But...That's when Feliciano and I go to the Rochester Sci-Fi and Anime convention!" He wailed, causing several people to stare at him. He blushed slightly before forcing his face back into its default expression. Had to keep up the image of the Inscrutable Asian, after all. Keep whitey on his toes about the soon-to-some Asian Invasion, you know?
Sighing, he tucked his mail under his arm and shuffled over towards the lift, stabbed the up button with his finger and waited dejectedly for it to arrive and take him up to the fourth floor so that he could sob in the privacy of his apartment.
When the elevator arrived with its characteristic ding, Kiku stepped inside, pressed the fourth floor button and settled himself in the corner, mulling over his shitty luck. Much to his annoyance, (he really needed to cry) the elevator stopped at the second floor rather than the fourth, opening its doors to admit his roommate Feliciano, who was holding a laundry hamper full of freshly washed clothes.
"Ciao Kiku!" Feliciano said. "Look, I washed your clothes, too! See?" The cheery Italian held up a pair of the Japanese man's Hello Kitty-printed boxers before rubbing them against his face. "Ve, they're nice and warm from the dryer!"
Red-faced, Kiku snatched his undershorts from Feliciano's hand and stuffed them into the pocket of his jacket. "Damn it Feliciano, stop rubbing my boxers against your face," he snapped. "What if someone sees?" He added.
Feliciano cocked his head to the side and smiled his closed-eyed smile, fly-away curl bobbing. "Okay. I don't see why, but okey-dokey. So, are you excited for the Rochester Sci-Fi and Anime Convention? I can't wait," he continued, oblivious to the tears gathering in the corners of his friend's eyes, "I'm going to go dressed as Sailor Chibi Moon! I've got the pink wig and everything! You're going as Yoko Littner from Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann, right?"
Unable to contain his sorrow anymore, Kiku burst into tears, grabbing Feliciano by the collar of his shirt and violently shaking him until his teeth rattled. "I can't go, you mentally deficient, noodle-slurping greaseball!" He screamed, not-so-manly tears streaming down his face. "Those sadistic government motherfuckers sent me a summons for jury duty on the exact day of the convention and now I can't go! Do you know how long it took me to find leather hot pants and a flame-patterned bikini top? DO YOU?"
"Ve...Four solid days desperately clicking on eBay?" Feliciano guessed.
"EXACTLY!" Kiku sobbed. "All that work...And FOR NOTHING! I won't even be able to wear them...He whimpered.
"Sure you can! The gay pride parade will be coming through Manhattan before you know it!" Feliciano quipped.
"Haha, hilarious. I'm serious. My life is over!" Kiku sobbed. "OVER!"
Feliciano looked around, frowning at the fact that they hadn't yet arrived at the fourth floor. "We've been talking for an awful long time...I think the elevator's stuck."
Kiku began to bang his head against the wall while Feliciano desperately pressed the emergency button. "And now we're stuck in the elevator," he muttered. "Fuck me...!"
"Ve, not now," Feliciano said, slumping against the opposite wall. "I'll do it when we're back in the apartment. Even though it looks like we're going to be stuck in here for a while...Hey, about you not being able to go to the convention? You know that you don't have to go to jury duty, right?" He said out of the blue.
Kiku, who now had a sizeable bruise on his forehead from where he had been hitting it against the wall turned to look at him. "Uhm, yes I do." He waved the paper detailing his jury duty injunction in his friends' face. "I got this summons in the mail. I have to go." Dumbass, he thought.
Feliciano simply smiled. "What summons?" He said.
Feeling his blood pressure begin to rise at the other man's obliviousness, Kiku rolled the paper up and smacked him upside the head with it. "This one, baka."
"Noooo. What summons?" Feliciano repeated.
Kiku stared at him in amazement that anyone could be so stupid without having been lobotomized. "The one in my fucking hand!" He shouted incredulously.
"No, Kiku, what I mean is this: Tear it up and throw it away." Feliciano said calmly, as though it were the most obvious thing in the world.
"...Huh?" Kiku deadpanned. Then he rolled his eyes. "Please don't tell me you're going to start singing. Everyone's been randomly bursting into song for the past two days and it's driving me in-
He was too late, for Feliciano had jumped to his feet and started singing while doing a spastic dance that looked like a bizarre combination between the Caramelldansen and the Cat Daddy. Kiku wondered if he was dancing or having an epileptic fit.
"Throw it away, Throw it away! Tear that shit up and throw it away!"
"And go about your day!" Feliciano sang.
Kiku stared at him in horror. "I can't do that!" He gasped. "This an official summons," he added, his voice caressing the word official as though it were his lover. A.k.a. his Yoko Littner body pillow. Hey, don't be judging his hardcore otaku-ness bitches.
"Oh? An official summons, ve? Well, in that case: Tear it up and throw it away!" Feliciano continued.
"Just...tear it up?" Kiku asked, his curiosity getting the better of him. It was a rather appealing idea...
"Yup!" Feliciano warbled. "And throw it away! Tear that shit up and throw it away so that you and I can go play!"
Kiku blinked. "Play?" He said bemusedly. "I thought you were talking about going to the convention, not having sex. And besides...I thought it was my civic duty to attend jury duty when summoned?"
"Hey, if we're lucky, we can do both while we're there! And pfft, fuck civic duty!" Feliciano said laughingly. "Ve, where was I...Oh! The government employees already know,"
"That for many reasons many people just won't show."
"After all, a piece of mail's an easy thing to overlook, so just like the airlines, they overbook!"
"Hm...Well, in that case," Kiku mumbled.
"Tear it up and throw it away! Throw it away! Throw it away! Tear that shit up and throw it away!" He sang along with Feliciano.
"You see? It's perfectly okay!" Feliciano added.
On a whim, Kiku re-read his jury duty summons, his eyes widening when he got to a certain section. "No, I can't!" He cried. "I can't just tear it up and throw it away! It-it says here that the penalty for not showing up to jury duty is thirty days in jail! I can't go to jail! Do you know what they do to guys like me in jail?" He whimpered, imagining himself having a set of tits tattooed on his back by some enormously muscled black man named Bubba with a monstrously oversized dong who would rename him Tiffany and make him into his unwilling mistress after buying him from an Aryan brotherhood member for some Jolly ranchers and a pack of Pall Malls.
However, Feliciano just laughed. "Ve, you'd be passed around like currency until your anus was the size of a grapefruit!" He began to sing again. "But don't worry; no one's ever actually gone to jail for that! Have you ever heard of anyone going to jail-
"For something that got lost in the mail!" Kiku cried out in a eureka-voice. "I never thought I'd say this but Feliciano, you're a genius!"
"Exactly! And just for the record, I have many layers. Like an onion. Some are just stupider than others," Feliciano explained. "Now c'mon Kiku, let's finish this song!"
Throwing their arms about each other, they belted out,"
"Tear it up and throw it away! Throw it away! Throw it away!"
"Just tear it up and throw it away!"
When he finished the verse, Kiku proceeded to rip his jury duty summons into tiny shreds with an oddly sadistic look on his face before tossing the paper scraps up into the air, laughing a high-pitched giggle that could only be produced by someone who had momentarily flipped their shit as the tattered fragments of what was once his court order rained down on him and Feliciano like confetti.
However, Feliciano was completely unperturbed by his psychotic behaviour. "Ve! That's the spirit!" He shouted as he made a scrap paper angel on the floor of the lift. "You got it!"
"Oh no I didn't!" Kiku laughed.
"Haha. Right!" Feliciano said.
"Now I can just go about my day!" Kiku sang.
"Because only losers do jury duty!" Feliciano added.
Kiku closed his eyes contentedly and leaned back. "Well, that's a relief. Too bad we're still stuck in the elevator though..."
Inspired, Feliciano jumped up. "Not for long!" He declared and in a fit of strength brought on by both inspiration and the fact that he'd accidentally purchased psychotropic mushrooms from a shady-looking Dutch guy in a back alley thinking that he was a local farmer and selling Portobello's and cooked them into his morning fusilli, he pried apart the elevator doors.
"...Kickass," Kiku said, astonished.
Feliciano gestured grandly toward the now opened doors. "C'mon, let's get outta this shithole Kiku!" He declared before stepping out onto the air and plummeting two floors down the elevator shaft, landing with a thud onto the concrete floor of the basement. Oops.
Kiku crawled over and stuck his head over the edge of the elevator. "Feliciano?" He shouted worriedly. "Are you all right?"
"Ve, I'm okay," he called back faintly. "I landed on my head! Fratello's always saying that I've got a thick skull," he added. "But there's still a lot of blood...Can you call an ambulance?"
As he pulled out his cell phone to call the fire department and some paramedics, Kiku smiled. "At least I get to go to the Sci-Fi and anime convention!" He said happily. "Fuck you jury duty!"