The streets were filled with chaos. Cars crashed into each other, women and children cryed in the streets, cats and dogs worked together to escape. Everyone was afraid to be taken to Mexico. It was mass hysteria. To top it all off there was a giant pink robot walking through the city towards the flying mustached sombreros.
"Dude, I don't mind doing this crap with you. I mean, I like protecting the Earth as much as the next guy… but why is SHE here?!" Kenji jerked his thumb towards the back seat where Emi was sitting just as Hisao trampled over an orphanage for imaginary friends.
"Fanservice of course!" Hisao shot Kenji a thumbs up, it was such a godly thumbs up that it reached Valhalla where the greatest warriors looked down upon Hisao and returned the gesture before returning to drinking, whoring, and fighting for all eternity. "You absolutely CAN'T have mecha without fanservice!" Hisao roared as he smashed a button. The button did absolutely nothing, but there's no way in hell I'm going to write this without pushing at least 1 button in each chapter.
"What about SD Gundam?" Emi leaned forward and stuck her head into the front seat.
"Que?"
"There wasn't any fanservice in SD Gundam."
Emi's insolence was met with a resounding smack as she was backhanded with the force of a supernova the explosion that was brought forth was enough to make Michael Bay cream in his pants. "WE DO NOT SPEAK OF SD GUNDAM!" Hisao roared.
A beeping was heard from the console as a button flashed with light. Luckily Hisao had put a sticky note over it that was labeled "Future Phone Thingy".
"Seems like the enemy is trying to make contact." Emi squeaked as she rubbed the side of her face that reminded her to know a sidekick's place.
Hisao immediately unzipped his jeans and after summoning a mighty erection out of nowhere he pushed the button which made an odd moaning noise. Near the view window a screen popped up revealing a man wearing a sombrero and sporting a mustache that would make Freddy Mercury jealous. In the background Ricky Martin could be heard playing as well as a lot of whooping and yelling as well as guns firing.
"Hey! Me llamo Carlito! You wanna come with me to Mexico?" He said in a high pitched voice with more energy than a squirrel after a 5 hour energy shot.
"Not really no." Hisao replied plainly, oddly out of character.
"Me wanna, you wanna, everybody wanna! GO GO GO!" Shouted the person Hisao assumed to be Carlito.
"Will we get to meet Antonio Banderas?!" Emi shouted with excitement.
"He's not from Mexico you idiot." Kenji said from a relaxed position, his feet up on the console in front of him while his guitar was in his lap.
Out of the window Hisao noticed the Mother Sombrero grow a body, arms and legs. Maracas appeared in each of its hands and it struck a pose. Behind it, one of the smaller once started playing different music.
They call me Cuban Pete
I'm the King of the Rumba beat!
When I shake my maracas they go
Chick chicky boom
Chick chicky boom!
With the new addition to the music the other UFS's that is… Unidentified Flying Sombreros also grew arms and bodies and began shaking their maracas in beat to the song while marching forward.
"Hey man it looks like they're done talking." Kenji pointed out the obvious.
Hisao grit his teeth. "These guys…" He growled.
Kenji smacked his hand to his forehead, but somehow missed and ended up smacking Emi who still was poking her head in the front seat. "Aw man, here we go." Kenji readied his guitar.
Hisao gripped the controls hard, so hard his hands started to shake. "These guys invade my home, rape my women, sell oranges in front of my house, try to sell me chicklets, mess up the plumbing in my house, and take my JERBS!"
"Dude, they didn't do any of that." Kenji pointed out.
"Shut up I'm on a roll here! These guys done came to the wrong neighborhood!" Hisao clenched his fists and smashed a button that emitted a bright pink light.
Misha whirled to life with the grinding of servos and the drills in her hair began to spin wildly, throwing off sparks that set fire to the houses down below before firing off with the force of the rockets that were attached to the back of them. They screamed forward, locked in on that ship that was playing the music and effectively blowing it up with a single hit.
"KENJI!" Hisao pointed towards his friend in the passenger seat. "GIMME A NEW SOUNDTRACK!"
Kenji picked up his guitar. "Got it covered dude." He snapped his fingers and the Gods of Rock granted him a pick. Not just any pick, this pick was crafted from the big toe of a demon. It was painted and bathed in the blood of virgins and hammered on the anvils in the 7th ring of Hell itself. It sprang to life in the hellfire from which it was forged. It was made for one purpose, to shred. To tear and rip asunder the other pretenders that call themselves musicians. Kenji was the chosen one, granted this power to rock as no man has rocked before.
"Shred! FUCKSLAYER!" Kenji cried out the name of his guitar as he raised his arm to the sky.
The Space Banditos closed in around them as Kenji began to play. His hands became a blur, spewing forth a melody that mortals were not meant to hear. Emi fell unconscious in the back seat because her brain was not able to process the notes that rang forth from the guitar that had started to emit smoke.
Hisao jerked his head to the side, feeling the bones in it crack. "That's the good stuff. Alright! Let's kick some ass!"
The first Bandito charged and with catlike reflexes powered by the flame in Hisao's soul, Misha grabbed it's arms and ripped them off with a metallic crunch as they were crushed and ripped asunder. The Bandito was then tripped and Hisao grabbed it's legs and began to swing it around and around using it as a makeshift baseball bat as he began to knock around any Bandito that dared step too close.
One particular Bandito caught the makeshift bat square in the chest. Its cavity crumpled from the impact and it was sent flying through the air.
"Woo! Home run!" Hisao fist bumped Kenji who had started shredding his guitar with his toes as he kicked back in the front seat. "Never seen you do that before."
"Rin taught me." Kenji replied with a grin.
"Let's finish with a bang!" Hisao smashed his face onto a button which caused Misha's crotch panel to open. A long piece of metal extended and Hisao grabbed it. The Gods of Rock, pleased by Kenji's shredding sent forth a mighty bolt of lightning down from the heavens that collided with the piece of metal with a planet shattering crash. When the smoke and dust cleared there stood Misha clutching the metal bar, now with a blade of pure lightning extending from it.
"Go! LIGHTNING COCKSABER!" Hisao roared and jumped into the air bringing down the lightning blade into the largest group of enemies. A great explosion of electricity erupted with a thunderous crack, destroying with it 2 nightclubs, a movie theater, the local DMV (at which citizens began to cheer), and a pillow factory. Not to mention most of the Banditos.
"This is my house!" Hisao roared to the heaven's at his victory.
"Our house. I helped too." Kenji pointed out.
"MUDA DA!" A cry erupted forth from a nearby building. Hisao swung around to see Carlito's mech still unharmed standing atop the building. Carlito tore off a side of his mustache with each hand which grew into a pair of shining swords while the mustache on his sombrero grew back.
"Oh crap I thought I took that guy out!" Hisao exclaimed.
"Look out! That motherfucker's dual wielding mustaches!" Kenji serious'd up and grabbed Fuckslayer and the mighty Fuckpick in his hands once more.
With a mighty WRYYYYYYYY Carlito leapt from the building top and hurled himself towards Misha raising his Mustacheblades over his head for a single overpowered swing.
Carlito's blades and the Lightning Cocksaber collided with the force of a thousand suns that shook the earth and cracked the very ground upon which they stood. The might of the Cocksaber cracked but held and Carlito's attack hit the ground. The blades in his hands shattered and he raised his fists.
"So you want to fight like a man eh?" Hisao raised an eyebrow and dropped his Cocksaber, inserting it back into the panel it erupted out of. He then pushed a button and a controller popped out from the center of the steering wheel. Hisao cracked his knuckles and grabbed it.
Kenji dug the sunglasses out of his pocket and his hands once more disappear into a blur. Fuckslayer burst forth into flames. The strings began to glow red from the force of Kenji's pick strumming across them.
The two combatants, Misha and Carlito began to circle around each other their fists raised. Meanwhile Hisao was inputing a series of commands into the controller, his fingers moving nearly as fast as Kenji's.
"SECRET TECHNIQUE!" Hisao shouted as Misha jumped into the air. The air around the robot sparked and an aura of lightning surrounded its body.
"SUPAH!" A panel on Misha's back opened, sporting two huge rocket boosters. They crackled with lightning and then ignited with a popping sound.
"INAZUMA!" Carlito could only stand and watch in horror above him as Misha extended its foot. A surge of electricity crackled forth along Misha's leg, it began to glow with the energy and the rocket boosters began to propel Misha downward.
"KIIIICK!" Hisao issued the final command on the controller and Misha rocketed downward and collided with Carlito's mech. Propelled by the Gods of Rock the mighty kick connected with Carlito's chest.
Misha zoomed through Carlito and an ear splitting explosion resounded forth as the invasion of the Space Banditos was brought to an end in mere minutes. Most of the city was destroyed, but it would most likely be rebuilt in the next chapter anyway so Hisao wasn't too worried about it.
Kenji's rocking slowed to a halt and he cracked his knuckles. Satisfied with the day's work. "Nice one man." He said to Hisao with a fist bump.
"Alright, who wants a Slushie?" Hisao asked with a grin.
"Dude, you just stopped a freaking alien invasion!" Kenji exclaimed.
Hisao shrugged. "Yeah, so? I'm thirsty."
"Get me a blueberry one." Kenji replied with a sigh.
Hisao grabbed the controls and motioned for Misha to start walking through the city into the sunset, crushing cars and small houses as they go.
"So, drive thru then?"