"Friends, companions, loved ones, Xion, Nobodies, and Storm, we are gathered here today to mourn over the death of one of our beloved," announced Aerith, standing in front of a stood next to a handmade tombstone, reading the contents of the book.
Storm yawned loudly, sitting in between Xion, who was sobbing onto his right arm sleeve, and Namine, who was busy working on her next drawing, already feeling boredom creep its way into his soul. He leaned over to Namine, and whispered in her left ear," Why da hell are we here again?"
Namine sighed." We are here to mourn the death of Xion's beloved cat, that accidentally died due to Kairi's cheap five dollar perfume she got from Cloud, who stole it from Tifa since she didn't want it."
"Wait, so Roxas didn't shit his pants?" asked Storm confused.
"SHHHHHHH!" snapped Roxas, sitting behind the duo looking at Storm with an annoyed look." I'm trying to enjoy the tranquility of nobody causing chaos while it lasts!"
"Sorry," replied Storm returning to his previous position, rolling his eyes." Ya crazy blond."
"I would like to take this time to allow Kairi to share her condolences," announced Aerith, walking to the side while Kairi takes the stand.
She cleared her throat, and then in a strong, defined voice said," It's not my fault the cat was allergic to coconut, or that Xion was dropped on her head as a baby, and we are having a funeral for a pet as if it's a real human being!"
"You take that back you-" began Xion.
Sora, who jumped to his feet while grabbing his steel emergency cane that was resting beside his leg, ran over to Xion, and threw the cane around her waist, using all of his might to pull her away from Kairi. Everyone watched as Xion failed like a wild bull trying to escape the cane hold that Sora had on her.
"Geez, it's not even the reception and the girls are already acting crazy," muttered Axel, reaching in his cloak and pulling out a can of Bud Light which was already open." Guess it's as good a time as any to start drinking."
"She does have a point, but there was no need to act like a bitch about it," agreed Storm, crossing his arms over his chest.
"You know she thinks she's a Queen Bee after…..you know, I don't really recall when Kairi started acting like this," countered Namine watching the ensuring struggle." Maybe it was when Sora fell in love with me."
"Please tell me this'll be over soon," groaned Storm enduring the extreme show of anger that was coming from a little girl such as Xion." You know, I have a feeling that this could go the wrong way considering how crazy ideas like these, turn into a horror show."
"Why did I agree to this?" muttered Aerith, shaking her head in disappointment while watching as the two girls threw insult after insult at each other.
"Xion, for the last time, get out of my bed!" shouted Storm kicking Xion off the left side of his bed, causing her to fall to the floor with a THUD!." There is no such thing as the Boogie Man, and Sora isn't going to run into your room with a chainsaw, chanting,'WHEN THE LIGHTS GO OUT, THE CREEPERS WILL FLY! WHEN THE SMELL COMES AROUND, THE FREAKERS WILL CRY! WHENTHE BITCH COMES OUT, I'MA COME AND RAPE YOU IN YOUR SLEEP, THEN TAKE A DUMP IN YOUR MOUTH!' and then grabbing your leg, rubbing it slowly while moaning sexually!"
"But-but-but I'm scared!" cried Xion like a little girl, tears forming in her eyes as she looked at him with an almost child-like expression." And-and-and Fluffers always kept the monsters, and Sora, away! They-they-they tried to take me to their leader where I would be anal-"
Suddenly, his bedroom burst open as Sora, frantically waving a chainsaw while dressed up like Jason from Friday The 13thmaking Xion jump onto the bed with Storm, which in turn caused him to groan due to her applied weight on his body. She embraced him tightly, shaking, and most of all, screaming like a little girl in a horror movie.
"WHEN THE LIGHTS COME OUT THE CRREPERS WILL FLY! WHEN THE SMELL COMES AROUND, THE FREAKERS WILL-" began Sora, a hint of lisp to his voice.
"Get out," said Storm sternly shoving the Raven Haired Girl off of him, furiously jumping to his feet, and chasing Sora to his room." AND STAY OUT OR ELSE I'M GOING TO SHOVE THAT CHAINSAW SO FAR UP YOUR ASS, EVEN THE DOCTORS WON'T KNOW HOW TO REMOVE IT OR WHEN TO OR EVEN HOW IS THAT EVEN FREAKIN' POSSIBLE!"
He marched back to his room, grabbed Xion by her neck, dragged her out of his room all the way into hers, furiously throwing her onto her bed all while the lights flickered on and off ominously." AND YOU BETTER STAY IN THERE OTHERWISE I'M GOING TO GRAB NAMINE'S SET OF GOLF CLUBS, AND SHOVE THEM SO FAR DOWN YOUR THROAT THAT THE DOCTORS WOULDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO BECAUSE YOUR THROAT WOULD HAVE ALREADY BEEN DESTROYED BY THE COLD HARD STEEL THAT IS THE CLUBS!"
As he turned around to walk out, snickering was heard from Riku's room." And no, that is not what she said Riku!"
Downstairs, Kairi and Roxas rolled their eyes at the scene that took place above them, bearing the death defying scream of The Nobody who was scared of the dark.
"If she loves her cat so much, why don't we just get another one?" growled Roxas, massaging his temples.
Suddenly, Kairi had an idea that did not revolve around hunting down another mythical creature." Say that again," replied Kairi causing Roxas to look at her confused.
"Say what again?" asked Roxas, perplexed.
"What you just said," replied Kairi.
"Say that again?"
"I said, say what you just said again."
"Say that again?"
"I already told you, what I just said."
"Yes, I know, and I'm asking you say what again?"
"Yes, I told you three times already Roxas, I'm saying say what you said earlier again."
"I know, I'm asking you what do you want me to say again that you asked me to say again, when I was asking you all along what did you want me to say again that you said that I should say again, again."
Kairi groaned loudly, massaging her temples." I am so confused, but never mind that, the point is that if Xion's cat died, from unknown causes-" She stopped to give Roxas the evil eye after he coughed,"Your Fault" after wards." Can't we just get her another?"
Roxas, for a bleak moment, looked at her in confusion." That's what-"
"I KNOW WHAT YOU SAID YOU IDIOT, I'M JUST AGREEING!"
"Jeez, no need to be rude," muttered Roxas looking down at his feet.
"Xion, for the last time, I will not sleep with you!" exclaimed Namine as the shattering of glass was heard upstairs." I still have some dignity left! I'm not Sora or Axel or Kairi!"
"STOP TOUCHING ME THEROMOSTAT!" shouted Sora, the sound of breaking and entering, chainsaw revving, and death defying screaming filling the entire house.
"SHUDDA UP OR I'M BRINGING IN THE HORSE SEMEN FILLED GRENADES!" shouted Riku.
"AND IF YOU DO I'M GOING TO SHOVE THEM SO FAR DOWN YOUR THROAT THAT YOUR BREATH WILL SMELL LIKE YOU JUST SUCKED A-" began Storm.
"SHUT UP AND JUST GO TO SLEEP!" shouted The Two in usion."I'M GOING TO CALL TIFA AGAIN!"
Loud thunderous footsteps were heard as the slamming of the doors, ceasing of the chainsaws, and the threats of horse semen filled grenades and shoving things down something, were followed by the sweet sound of silence. Until there was a loud banging at the door from a familiar face.
"Guys, can I spend the night again!?" shouted Cloud, on the front porch with a sleeping bag in his left hand." Tifa kicked me out after I said she did look fat in her new nightgown, and because I forgot to tell Reno to get lost after we found him stalking her…..Again!"
Kairi looked at Roxas, who sighed loudly.
"SORA REV UP THAT CHAINSAW CAUSE WE HAVE ANOTHER CLOUD OUTSIDE!"
The chainsaw was revved up once more.
"Why, oh why, must I come on this fool's quest and why, oh yes why, do I have to tend to this crazy bitch?" singed Storm as he looked up at the sky, questioning his existence thus far, as he walked with Namine, Roxas, and Xion who was attached to his right side.
"Because I'm not-" began Roxas when Xion suddenly wailed for the tenth time today, sobbing loudly while balling unintelligible words and sounds." That's why."
"Don't feel bad," replied Namine, smiling at him affectionately." It could be Sora, or a sweaty fat man eating a giant tub of ice cream."
"Is it bad that I wanna shove her as far away as I possibly can?" asked Storm sighing loudly as Namine chuckled at the fact that Xion was now grabbing his left shirtsleeve, causing him to her like a little girl."Or fry her insides to perfection, then smash her with a mallet?"
Eventually, after going to more than twenty worlds, the group found a pet shop that actually sold pets instead of drugs, or anything other than pets. The downside was that it was run by The Organization, and that it smelled like Sora after working out and not putting on any cologne, but it was the only shop that they could find.
"Let's just go here," sighed Storm eying Xion evilly out of the corners of his eyes as she leaned against him, while miserably eating a tub of ice cream some of it sliding onto Storm's new white t-shirt." Ain't going another twenty worlds like this, and I sure as hell ain't going to miss lunch. This shit took at least half of my daily routine! Which included running away from Xion!"
The two groaned loudly, feeling the pain that did not already happen from the outcome of this trip, as the group walked into the shop Xemnas popping from underneath the counter a bagel smeared with cream cheese stuck to his face. Namine quickly hid behind Roxas, who in turn walked out of the store, feeling the tense start to rise almost immediately.
"Namine, Storm, Xion-it's a pleasure to meat you, since I haven't seen all of you in a while," said Xemnas with a dramatic flourish of his hands, one of which snatched the bagel off of his face.
"Yeah, yeah, Xemnas, good to see you too after the last thing you did, which I must say was pretty funny, since you got your butt handed to you by both a petite blond girl but also a petite blond girl who said your parts were smaller than plankton," replied Storm walking over to the counter with Namine behind him, and Xion sobbing loudly next to him.
"Well, says the one who needs to find his pants," countered Xemnas waving at his lower body.
Storm sighed, looking down at his lower body to find that he was not wearing any pants, again."Yeah, uh whenever I'm in a hurry I tend to forget stuff," said Storm then looked at Namine." Did I turn off the bath tub?"
At the house, Kairi slipped and fell onto the wet floor causing her to bruise her tailbone. The water ran from the bathroom, all the way downstairs through the living room, and separated into the kitchen and out of the door; onto a sleeping Cloud that was on the steps his clothes torn as if it went through the shredder. Sora, being the optimistic person he is, seized the opportunity to use his rowboat, waterproof float able TV stand-which had a small retro television on it-and his float able, waterproof refrigerator all which floated over a foot of water.
"And you said this was a waste of time, and money," gloated Sora, smiling at Riku who was wadding in the water, amazed at how high the downstairs ceiling was.
"Anyway, what can I help you with today-as long as it is not related to money, favors, or court duties along with trips to High Schools and Middle schools on account of my multiple pedophile charges," said Xemnas looking at the two.
"Well, I'm looking to buy a pussy since Xion's died," replied Storm causing Xemnas to become confused." Do you have some?"
"No, but you can try the strip club or anywhere with women, and you should take her to go get checked out," replied Xemnas his eyes drifting to her crotch." That could be a serious medical condition that would require professional medical attention, and knowledge.
Storm looked at him with his mouth wide open, then realized what he said, and gasped in awe." Oh, right, I forgot you had a beyond dirty mind, and that your vocab does not stretch past a word's vulgar meaning. What I meant was that we're looking for a pussy CAT. Not a PUSSY but a PUSSY CAT!"
"Then did you try the Pussy Cat mansion?"
Storm's hair flickered with electricity briefly before Xemnas waved his hand dismissively." I'm kidding, kidding. There should be some in the back, since I like to call my pussies from the back to the front-if you know what I mean."
"No, no Xemnas, I don't know what you mean and everybody doesn't know either."
The three turned around, walking to the back of the store while Xemnas was busy looking at Xion's rump, but was quickly thwarted by the arrival of Roxas which caused him to dive back underneath the counter, where he would sleep until he was needed once more.
"Geez, there sure are a lot of cats," gasped Namine, taking in the fact that nearly the entire store had cats and kittens in them, all locked behind cages."Makes you wonder why little girls want them so badly."
"And why there are so many of 'em out on the streets, eating our food and trying to sneak into our houses," agreed Storm, trying to break away from Xion, who was now chewing on his shirtsleeve."Anyway, let's try to find another cat before Xion eats my shirt, and the cops can convict me of public nudity-despite the fact that-"
"Oh, this one seems cute!" squealed Namine in delight as she stood by a cage of kittens, which were all playing with yarn or trying to cat their tails." He's playing with his yarn!"
The kitten meowed in anger." She's playing with her yarn!" she corrected.
"Namine, please help us pick out a-" began Storm closing his eyes briefly before opening them.
When he opened them, he almost left the store due to the fact that Namine, who was smiling like an innocent little girl, had an armful of kittens that jumped out of her arms and began climbing all over her body, some climbing to her head like it was a summit.
"I want them all!" piped Namine with the tone of a five year old.
Shaking his head, he turned to Xion, who was busy wiping her eyes with his soaked shirtsleeve."Xion, go ahead and pick one so we can get out of here, and so that Roxas can stop talking to Xemnas about random things."
A loud protest was made from Roxas, but he ended up not caring after nobody said anything back.
"But there wahahbababa haah!" bailed Xion not even managing to say at least a full sentence as she began crying again.
"Xion, stop acting like a heartbroken little girl and-"
"Do you think I should get this one, or that one?" interrupted Namine pointing at the many kittens that were now around her, their tails swaying back and forth." Or maybe even that one, or maybe the coco butter colored one!"
"Namine, stop acting like a little and help me get Xion to pick out a kitten that she-"
By the time he managed to get to the end of his sentence, Namine was already on her way to buy two pairs of twins that were both a golden brown color. He sighed once more this time rolling his eyes as he turned to Xion, who was now sobbing softly to herself occasionally sniffling.
"Xion, start trying to be a little more like a teenage girl-" He stopped to think if Xion could technically be younger than thirteen." That I know you are, and start picking out another pet because I don't have time for this, and I'm freaking hungry and these cats are starting to look like steaks!"
"But-but-but-but there was only one, and that was-WAAAAH!" cried Xion, bursting into tears again, running into Storm, who pushed her away, causing her to fall flat on her butt and to be more annoying than usual."YOU PUSHED ME!"
"Eh? I didn't even push you that hard ya weakling, and what're gonna do? Call Tifa on me because news flash-I ain't scared of that dumb, oversized, long black haired, troll smelling, troll looking, tart that is-"
Somebody tapped Storm's left shoulder, causing him to angrily turn around coming face-to-face with Tifa, whose face was twisted into a very troll-like expression. He chuckled lightly, smiling sharply in an attempt to appeal to her sensitive side.
"Tifa, babe, didn't even hear you come in and-and is that a new pair of shorts and tank top!?" chuckled Storm with a cheerful flourish of his arms, hinting at the new outfit Tifa bought which was yellow and purple." Really does take about a few years off of your age, and a couple pounds off your-"
WHAM!
"Roxas not a word, or I will shove my foot so far down your throat, the doctors will have to amputate my leg just so they can remove it from your throat," growled Storm as he walked with great tension in his shoulders, Namine happy that she got a new pet, and Xion glad that Storm was punched by Tifa.
"I feel much better!" piped Xion smiling brightly while walking up beside Storm." And I forgot all about my dead cat!"
"Yeah, yeah well it wasn't worth it," replied Storm rolling his eyes.
Storm deserved it, but he didn't deserve this, he's just thankful that there are more episodes where isn't involved in.