When you're planning to run a varmint off your property you need something to persuade it to leave. A broom, or a shovel, or maybe a small rifle, depending on the size of the varmint. What do you take along when the varmint is an eight foot tall walking tree? Even a shotgun didn't seem adequate against a creature that like as it had no vital organs and whose bark was probably proof against shotgun pellets. So Gary's first step was to find Dr. Venture.
Dr. Venture was sprawled out of the couch in the family room with The View blaring on the TV, eyes closed.
"Hey!" Gary said loudly, "Dr. Venture."
Dr. Venture sat up with an irritated "What? Can't a man watch the news without being interrupted every five minutes?"
"The View?" Gary waved at the TV. "Getting in touch with your feminine side?"
"It's a very intellectual, stimula - Oh, what is it? Did the boys kill themselves again?"
"Hardly. You've got pests on the grounds."
"So deal with it. I thought you were the professional. Why waste my time over what - squirrels?"
"Walking Trees. I've been meaning to ask you about that. Is this one of your projects?"
"Why do you automatically assume that every little mutant, zombie or rogue mechanism is my fault?"
"Well, you are the mad scientist here."
"I am not mad but you are getting on my last nerve - oh 'mad' scientist. How funny."
"Yeah, but about the walking tree... Before I go and blow it up I wanted to know if this was one of your experiments that you didn't think to tell me about. Because I'd hate to set back the advancement of science by interfering."
"Are you getting smart with me? My god, you're beginning to sound just like the boys. I think you're spending way to much time with them."
"I'm their bodyguard, remember. I have to spend time with them."
"Oh, right. "What the hell are you talking about, a walking tree?"
"Just checking, boss. The tree exists. I videotaped it getting a drink at the mudhole I made last night. I thought I ought to track it down today. But you didn't have anything to do with this, is that what you're saying? No forgotten experiment, no crossing of animal and vegetable tissues. No mucking around in things man was not meant to muck around in?"
"If this thing is up and walking around like you say, then it isn't anything of mine. I've never been that lucky."
"What about that To-do list on the fridge? You've got 'beat God at his own game' crossed off.
"Oh, that. I may have been experimenting with bringing the dead back to life. It didn't pan out. The first squad I sent to General Manhower sort of-" he finished with a mumble.
"Sort of - what?" Gary insisted.
"Went rogue. There! Are you happy. And no, none of them had any plant material in them.
"Fair enough. Oh, here's some photos of the thing." Gary tossed the print-outs on Dr. Venture's lap. "Look familiar?" Dr. Venture looked at the pictures, squinting to make the grainy pictures clearly. He seemed to get a little pale and muttered something that sounded like "Martians." Then he shook his head. "Nope, never saw anything like that."
"So you don't mind my getting rid of it?"
"The sooner the better!" Dr. Venture answered promptly, too promptly. Gary wondered what he was concealing but knew he'd never get anything out of the doctor.
"I'd like to borrow your death ray," he said.
"I don't have a death ray. If I did you can be sure I'd be trotting that puppy out for Manhower. Of course he says that the military is only interested in non-lethal weapons these days. Some treaty or another that they signed. I mean really, this is the war department. Who ever heard of fighting a war with Nerf guns?"
"I meant your wireless TASER."
"Oh that? Go ahead, take it. I never could get the voltage regulator to work properly. It'll knock your socks off if you accidentally touch the beam."
"I know. I was there when you did."
"I was scrapping burnt nylon socks off my heel for a week. Worse invention I ever made. It's too lethal for commercial use and the military is suddenly all namby-pamby about killing people. Why do you want it?"
"If I'm going looking for that walking tree, I figure I need a big stick handy when I talk to it. Something bigger than these." Gary clicked the release causing the twin knife blades to pop out of their sleeves. There were eight inches long and slightly curved. He had intended for them to resemble Wolverine's retractable claws. But unlike comic book characters, eight inches of hard steel has to rest somewhere when it's not in use.
"Are you any good at pruning hedges with those things.?" Doctor Venture asked as he lead Gary towards a basement workshop.
"I can gut fish pretty good with them..."
"Assuming that thing has a nervous system for this thing to tingle." Doctor Venture said as he pulled out the wireless Taser from a pile in a cheap metal locker with sundry other half-finished devices, "This little doodad ought to give it a jolt."
"It runs on batteries?" Gary asked.
"It's got enough batteries in it you could use it to pound a guy into the ground."
"Fresh batteries?"
The doctor pointed to a shelf where a pile of square, fist-size units with Venture Industry labels on them were stacked. "I've got a while warehouse of them, something my old man whipped up while catching his wind from banging celebrity models. They seem to have retained their charge after all these years. Three of them fit into the stock. That'll give your about a minutes of continuous fire. The trigger is set to give you a 10 millisecond burn, which ought to be enough to knock out an elephant."
"That ought to be good enough," Gary said. He slung the gizmo over his shoulder. "If I'm not back in time for supper, there's leftovers in the fridge."
"Try not to get killed - because I'm not paying for your funeral." the doctor told him with a shake of his head. He went back to the TV.