Oh, and I don't own Furuba.
Biological Weapons
Kyo's POV
"No, I didn't kill her. I didn't drive her to death. I didn't cause that. Don't blame me for that. It wasn't me. She did it herself. She thought I was a monster, she didn't love me no matter how hard she tried." All this was muttered as I slept as well asturned and twisted in my bed sheets, in the midsts of nightmares about my father. About the time when I was young and my mother died.
After that my father blamed me for my mother's death. He said I had driven her to suicide. And, even to this day what he says still enrages me to this day. But now, I'm more scared then ever. Not for my dad though, and certainly not because I think I killed my mother, no, it's different this time. This time I'm scared for Shishou.
See, what happened is that he got married. I suppose that would be a good thing for anyone else but two things stop me from being happy. One, that the person he married will be, in effect, my new mother. And two, that person is one of Tohru's best friends. That wave girl Hana.
As odd as it is though their age difference doesn't bother me, or more importantly the law. What bothers me is once again having a mother.
Yes, no matter how much I hate admitting it she is, in a way, my mother, or step mother really. But still, the big problem is she has yet to find out about the curse. We're trying to keep it a secret from her but we all know that can't happen. We, the ones who are cursed as well as Tohru, know Hana has to find out if she wants to be happy in her life.
But I'm still terrified. Terrified that I might, indirectly hurt Hana. Sure, I was never close to her, and I'm still not even now. But Tohru is. And I don't want to see Tohru hurt at all.
Still, even if there was no Tohru I'd be terrified. I am terrified. I dream that Hana rejects me as being the cat. Rejects everyone for being cursed and goes insane, or more so. I dream that Hatori will have to erase Hana's memory and that Shishou will blame that on me.
Really, that's what scares me the most. That Shishou might hate me. That he might love Hana more then anything and could have his heart broken so easily that he could just as easily blame it on me. I'm afraid he will turn away from me. Abandon me as my father did and leave me not caring what becomes of me.
If that happens,I don't know what I'd do. I don't know if I'd live. Already I've considered that. The possibilty of death by my own hand if Shishou abandons me. I know it's an awful thought, suicide always is, but now I can truly understand how someone like that might feel. I truly understand what can drive someone suicidal to kill themselves. Or at least I understand what might drive me to that point.
And it's more then just Shishou leaving me, abandoning me. It's also the thought that everyone will abandon me. That Tohru will abandon me. Even that Kagura will abandon me. That thought, the thought of being all alone, it's horrific for to contemplate. I know if everyone rejected me I'd kill myself in an instant. I'd take a gun and pull the trigger with no qualms at all. It's be fast and painless, I'd finally have relief.
As of yet though it has not come near that point. I am not going to kill myself even if thoughts of that have wandered through my mind as they always have at one point or another.
The point that has came though is that Hana is my mother. And that my biological father will find out. He'll want to talk to me. To tell me that he doesn't care about Hana or Shishou. He only cares that I killed his wife and I'm still not sorry. In fact I wouldn't be surprised if he said I had gotten Hana and Shishou together to spite him because I am such an awful person.
But that isn't true. I didn't kill my mother. She killed herself. And she was the awful person. She was the one who couldn't love her own son. Who couldn't even pretend to love her own son well. She was the one whoc couldn't change, couldn't move foward. Couldn't take the grief and bad looks that mothering the cat had given her.
She never understood how I felt. She never stood that even then I was an outcast. That everyone hated me even that. That all I needed was someone to love me and appreciate me. No, she didn't understand that at all and took her life. But, I'm not trying to be selfish and say that she had to love me. It probably is impossible to really love the cat after all. Mayybe the only one who can is Shishoua nd even he now has someone else to love.
still, what bothers me now is if Hana can take it. If Hana can take the pressure of being an insider. Of knowing that I am cursed and that everyone will look at her like she is filthy for just marrying someone she loved. I'm worried that even though Hana must have went through hard times as well that this time things will be too hard. That she'll break down and brong Shsihou with her. Almost like how Kana hurt Hatori so badly even without meaning to. I don't want that happening. I don't want to see Shishou or Hana hurt. I just want them to be happy. But that seems like an impossible wish. It seems like something that never can and will come true. Something like a distant star or planet that has to be gotten to and is yet, inacessible.
I hate that feeling really. That feeling of being useless. Of being able to do nothing. That feeling that you have no say in the matter at hand even though the matter at hand effects you. It's like being in a prison, like being confined for something you didn't do. And you know it bt no one believes you.
And I wish I could do something. I wish that i could ensure Hana and Shishou's happiness. I wish that nothing will ever happen to them and that Hana can accept the curse. But still, she can only decide what she will accept and not accept. I can't change her desicion. There is also not much I can do what it comes to how happy Hana and Shishou are. I can make it so things aren't hard for them by complaining but I can't really effect how they will get along. I can't effect if they will fight on a daily basis or not. I can't change what they might do when I'm not around or when they are alone. It's not something I like but it's true never the less.
And, really this helpless feeling is scary. It's like everything I know and love can turn out of control and tail spin and yet there is nothing I can do. It'd be watching a show of my own life and not having a remorte or delete function. Not that I want to delete my life but only parts of it, if even those.
I know it must seem silly for me to worry about this stuff. And, maybe it is, but I will worry about it because it lets me have some control over my own life. It lets me say what I will and won't think of over and over until the subject is thought more over then the menaing of life itself. In a way it's my way of controlling what is happening to me in a way I couldn't otherwise control. I know it's sounds crazy but that sort of thing is comforting. Control over my life is comforting. The power to have change over my life is a good thing since everything seems out of control right now.
As surprising as it is what really hasn't bothered me yet is what the other cursed Sohma's think about this marriage. I don't really know if they accept this marriage or not, really they don't have much control either, for once Akito really doesn't have much control in this matter either. Still,I suppose it is something I should worry about. True, it's not like I should care about what other people think, it's not their buisness at all. Still, what they say could bother me, since what they say does effect me. It does effect the person close to me and it effects the person close to him now.
So, really I don't know what I'm going to do is someone says something. I might get mad and yell, I might not. I usually don't think so deeply or too far ahead into the future, or at least not when this is concerned. Ehatever happens though I suppose it's time I was ready to face that sort of thing. The sort of contraversial thing that wills urely come up now that Hana and Shishou are married.
No, I don't know how well I'll deal with these issues. Heck, I'm still scared half to death that something horrible will happen, if not more scared and terrified then that. But it is something I'm willing to at least try and face even if I have thought of death. That isn't something I really want. Even if worst comes to worst I think I would want to live on. If not for myself but fro Shishou because he helped me in my hard times and it's about time I started to at least try and pay him back for all that he has done for me.
I'll admit it's no easy task and that I'm afraid but for one I think I'm ready to face this change. I'm ready to move foward now that I thought everything out. And, most importantly I'm ready to grow and change.