Ok so don't hate me, I know it's been a while since an update. This chapter was just really hard to write, mostly because I wanted it to be honest and believable. Some of you aren't going to like the direction I've taken this, but that's ok. I just hope you can keep an open mind and keep faith that this wont become too dramatic. I've still got ideas for sexy time, somehow. So anyway, I hope you guys like this. I'll try and update quicker next time. Oh, and what do you think about a Quinntana friendship? I've got some ideas. Anyway! Read and Review :)
"How long has it been?" Santana asked nervously, teetering off the edge of her bed with Brittany sitting next to her, timing with her phone.
"Three minutes." She mumbled. Santana sighed heavily. This had to be the longest ten minutes of her life. It was torture. Brittany had been aware of her nervous behaviour and wanted to do whatever she could to help, despite the fact she was practically shaking in fear of what those tests would say.
Brittany and Santana waited for what seemed like years until finally an alarm went off, startling them both back into reality. Santana's eyes widened and her heart thumped through her chest, but she didn't dare move. She felt paralysed, unable to function her frozen limbs. So instead, Brittany swallowed the bile seeping up her throat and stood up shakily. But before she could walk another step, she felt a weak tug around her wrist. She turned to meet pleading eyes, for what they were pleading for she wasn't sure.
"Whatever happens, it'll be ok. Do you want me to look, or-" She said, hoping it would calm the terrified girl.
"No, you look... please." Santana added gently, taking a deep breath as she watched Brittany turn on the spot.
Brittany smiled, or at least mustered the effort to fake one. She felt Santana's grip loosen and again, her feet walked her towards her fate. Opening the bathroom door was the hardest thing she'd ever done, and once it was open there was no turning back. Five pregnancy tests lay upon the bathroom sink, waiting and ready. Brittany had never loathed a few pieces of plastic more in her life, and she hoped she wasn't about to hate them even more.
Not baring to torture herself and Santana any longer, she took a tentative step forward and looked up at the ceiling to soothe her mind, or what was left of it. It didn't work. Before she could register that she was even looking down, her eyes were squared with the result of the first test.
"Shit." She gasped. Before looking at the rest, she checked the box again to make sure she'd got it right. All five tests had two red lines, which according to the box indicated that they were positive.
"No.." She whispered to herself, eyes closing to prevent the burning tears from forming. Her stomach churned, her head was spinning, she felt weak. Next thing, Santana sprung from the bed and rushed into the bathroom. She stopped dead in the doorway, watching Brittany who stood completely still, holding up one of the tests and showed it to her with a trembling hand almost making it unreadable.
"I-I'm sorry." Brittany whispered through a choked sob. She felt so guilty and ashamed, wondering how she could be so stupid. As always, stupid fucking Brittany! Can't even have sex without knocking up the only person she ever truly loved and cared about. Someone who didn't even love her back. Not the way she wanted at least, and that scared her to death that this baby hadn't been conceived out of love.
"It's.. positive?" Santana asked in disbelief, her timid voice loud among the deafening silence. She was trying to keep her emotions in check, but she had never expected this to be real. It couldn't be. This wasn't happening.
"What- What about my parents? They're gonna fucking kick my ass out! Fuck! Why did you do this to me? I don't want a damn baby. I'm seventeen for Gods sake!" Santana ranted through thick sobs. Tears freely flowing down her cheeks and splattering on the bathroom tiles.
"I wont let them. I'm going to be with you every step of the way, whatever choices you make I'll stand by you. It's my fault, I did this. If anyone deserves to be kicked out, it's me. What are people gonna say? No one knows about me and telling them wouldn't do any good. Shit San, I screwed up. Please don't hate me!" Brittany begged, losing her cool for once in her life. It shocked Santana to see Brittany so distressed, but there was a bigger issue at hand and she had no idea where to go from this point. She never imagined the test would ever be positive, she had a naïve hope that they'd be lucky. Apparently not.
"What am I supposed to do?" She asked the blonde helplessly flailing her hands out in front of her. For the first time in her life she felt completely vulnerable. Before Brittany could reply, a choked sob left Santana's throat and she fell weakly into the crook of Brittany's neck, gripping her tightly.
"It's ok baby. You don't have to keep it. I mean.. it's your decision, it's your body." Brittany cooed, trying to comfort Santana as best as she could, gripping her equally as tight. She could feel her smaller body shaking against her. She couldn't imagine what Santana was going through if it was already this bad for herself.
They rocked together on the spot for a couple of minutes, taking in the situation. There were different stages of emotions. First was shock, then realisation and now guilt. Brittany felt enough guilt for the both of them, but Santana also knew that this was now Brittany's burden too, as much as she wanted somebody to blame. After a deep breath, she softly pulled away, keeping contact by interlocking their fingers.
"I'm sorry, this isn't all your fault. It was me, too. As much as I wish this wasn't happening, I-I just can't kill it. It's a thing, you know? Our thing. Even though it's like, a jellybean right now it's still a baby. It's still living. It's us." Santana explained, the words spilling from her mouth like they'd always been there, waiting to get out. She didn't even realise that she felt that way until she finished speaking.
Brittany raised her eyebrows, slightly in awe of Santana's sudden moral outburst. She'd never taken the girl to be religious in any sense, but what she said did make sense to her. It was a living thing. It was a little ball of them, that had the potential to grow into a real life human. Suddenly Brittany realised that this wasn't a matter of regretting the past, but adjusting for the situation. Either they could get an abortion, or have the baby. Neither seemed fair.
"We need to tell our parents." Brittany announced, cutting the tense air like a knife. Santana's eyes snapped up towards hers and poured out incredulous doubt. Brittany could see the fear of rejection, the shame, the guilt. She felt it too, but this wasn't something they could hide.
Santana's throat constricted at the thought, her stomach dropping. She couldn't fathom the thought of saying those words to her parents. As much as they tolerated from her, this was something she wasn't so sure they'd be accepting of.
"I'm so scared." She whispered brokenly. Immediately Brittany's heart fell. She couldn't stand seeing Santana so sad, her eyes all dark and watery. Like she'd lost that spicy Latina fire. Or so Brittany liked to call it.
"Hey, come on." She encouraged, stepping closer. "We're family now. Whatever happens, you'll have me, ok?"
Santana nodded, lifting her head to give Brittany a grateful, watery smile. Brittany smile back, sighing as she leant forward and pulled Santana into a tight embrace, resting her chin on her shoulder. They stayed together in silence, and occasional nervous small talk until it was dark Santana's parents were both home.
"You sure you want me there with you? I mean.. what if they try to murder me?" Brittany asked in complete seriousness. She knew Santana's parents were pretty conservative, and if anything like their daughter, fiercely over protective. It was sure to be a bloody fight.
"I just know that I'll need you, especially if they're really angry, ok? You don't have to say anything." Santana reassured, twiddling fingers nervously in her lap, finally rising from her bed to prepare herself for the inevitable moment that was sure to occur. She knew that if she held it off any longer, she'd chicken out. There was one part of her telling her to be like Quinn and lie, but then she remembered how well that worked out.
"Ok." Brittany breathed, walking towards Santana and entwining their fingers. Santana sucked in her bottom lip and shakily took the first steps towards her own grave. It dawned on her once she was down the stairs that this was going to be harder to admit than she thought, but Brittany gave her hand a reassuring tight squeeze that spurred her on.
"Mom, dad." She called tentatively, still holding Brittany's hands as the two stood guiltily in the dining room. A moment later, both her mother and father had curiously entered the room, both sets of eyes weary and confused when they noticed their daughters demeanour, not to mention that she was holding onto Brittany's hand for dear life. As a parent, natural instincts kicked in and the couple gave each other a knowing look that this was going to be bad news.
Santana held her gaze on the floor, gathering her courage to look up. It was hard, but what she said next was the hardest thing she's ever done. The words tumbled out ungracefully, but nonetheless they came out and meant all the same.
"I think I'm pregnant..." She rambled out in one long word. At this, she watched her mothers eyes pop so far out of their sockets that she looked like she'd seen a ghost. Worse, her dad showed no sign of emotion, stunned into complete shock. It made Santana's stomach churn in a sickly way. Her palms were now sweating into Brittany's, but the blonde didn't let go.
"Mija, h-how?" A pang shot into Santana's chest. Her mother looked so broken, so disappointed, so confused that she couldn't get manage to scream out in anger.
Tears sprung into Santana's eyes and she scolded herself for doing so because she promised herself she wouldn't be weak. If anything for Brittany. The tension in the room was so thick that she felt like she was going to pass out, her words stuck in her tightened throat, spluttering out in the least eloquent way possible.
"W-well Britt and I were just... fooling around. She didn't even know that... that it could happen. It was an accident! Don't blame her, ok? I swear, I-I didn't know, I didn't even know it could do that." Brittany and Santana had been friends so long that it was inevitable that her parents found out about Brittany's extra appendage, and just like Santana, they had no idea that she could possibly be fertile.
Before her mom could speak, her father cut in.
"That is how accidents happen! How could you be so ignorant? So stupid?" He swore and rambled on angrily in Spanish, and Santana was glad that Brittany couldn't understand a word he was saying, because it wasn't nice at all.
"What am I supposed to tell people? My daughter is a disgrace, and since when have you and Brittany been sexually active? If I had known this, I wouldn't allow her anywhere near you. Not only is it unnatural that she's a girl, but my daughter will not be seen with a.." It was like he couldn't even find the words to describe his disgust and apparent hidden loathing of Brittany's condition.
"With a freak!" He finished, spitting venom through the last word, as if Brittany weren't even human. Like she was some kind of deformed monster, defiling his perfect, innocent daughter.
Santana snapped at this, discovering a possessive side to her that she didn't know existed. A noise came low from her throat, a growl of sorts as she squeezed Brittany's hand harder and stepped protectively in front of her. She stared at her father with loathing eyes, filled with rage. The fifty year old man actually cowered in fear.
"Don't you dare." She hissed in warning, her eyes narrow whilst Brittany wished she could just disappear out of this situation.
"If that's how it will be, then you can leave and take... it with you." Her father seethed, overcome with anger and disappointment in his daughter. All he had wanted for her was to be like other girls, date a real boy and go to goddamn church.
Although Santana had almost been expecting those words, it didn't hurt any less to actually hear them. To be rejected by her own parents while her mother just stood by, too ashamed to even look at her. It made her sick. Even if she wanted to retaliate, she couldn't find it within herself to fight.
"Fine." She replied stiffly, not showing her parents any weakness. She didn't want to give them the satisfaction. Because yes, she made a mistake. But Brittany wasn't a freak and she didn't plan on this ever happening. As if she wanted to get knocked up by a girl with a dick. How the hell was she supposed to explain that to people when her bump shows?
Before she stormed out, Santana tugged Brittany upstairs into her room and told her to wait while she hastily packed a few things. Brittany could tell that Santana was falling apart, that she was panicking. She didn't know what she could do, because she knew if she tried to talk to her, that she'd get snapped at.
"You can stay at mine." Brittany said, after a minute of tense silence.
Santana stopped her rushed packing for a second, flinching visibly before returning to the task at hand. Brittany knew she was shocked that she'd suggest that. Because although the Pierces were an accepting family, getting your supposed best friend knocked up with a penis that shouldn't be there wasn't something you discussed lightly.
Santana packed the last of her essentials, zipping up her mess of a bag before slinging it over her shoulder and sighing deeply. Brittany's heart broke a little, watching Santana look so helpless and vulnerable. It didn't help that Brittany had the constant thought of a growing baby in Santana's womb, that a part of her was growing inside of her. She was never the protective type, but something about that kicked her maternal instincts into overdrive.
"When we get to mine, go up to my room ok? Lie down or something. I'll talk to my mom, I'll even take all the blame. I don't care. You don't deserve to be treated like this, Santana. I'm going to take care of you, even if I have to beg my parents to let you stay at mine until it's time to have the baby. I'll get a job... I'll pay for all the doctors bills, I'll do anything. I promise." Brittany said urgently, as if she thought Santana might leave her if she didn't. But more so because she really, honestly cared about Santana, and loved her more than anyone.
For a second, Santana just blinked and stared at the blonde. Unsure of what to say. Instead, she leapt forward and hugged Brittany as tightly as she could without hurting her. Brittany returned the gesture, rubbing soothing circles over Santana's back, in hope of calming her, or simply letting her know she wasn't alone.
"I don't deserve you." Santana whispered so quietly that she might not have said anything at all. But Brittany heard it louder than anything she'd ever said before.
"Is that why you wont be my girlfriend? Or tell me how you really feel?" Brittany whispered back carefully.
"If I have this kid, lets face it. You'd be the better mom. I'm a cold hearted bitch. You're nothing but caring and loving. You deserve someone who can give you everything you want."
"I just want you." Brittany replied, pulling away slightly to look into watery brown eyes. "But if you really didn't feel the same way, you wouldn't be here right now. You wouldn't have defended me to your parents. You would hate me for ruining your life."
Santana narrowed her eyes to the floor, finding the eye contact invasive. She didn't want Brittany to see how weak she felt. She was always the strong one, the tough one. Vulnerability was weakness. It felt humiliating to feel so helpless, because she wasn't used to needing someone to lean on. She was used to always taking care of Brittany. Yet after all this time, she'd been neglecting herself.
"I can't talk about this now, Britt. Can we just go to yours? I need to rest." She said softly, her voice so quiet and pleading. That alone terrified Brittany. Because Santana was always confident and hid her feelings. But it was like now, she was hurting too much to hide it.
"Ok, lets go honey. It'll be ok, I promise." Brittany said, leaning forward to kiss Santana's forehead. It was light and barely there, but it was the only thing that kept Santana from falling apart completely.
Brittany lead them this time, getting out of the house as quickly as possible. Neither gave her parents a passing glance as they closed the door behind them. Luckily, Santana had been smart enough to take her keys, relieved that her parents hadn't thought of that.
"I'll drive, San. You just sit, ok?" Brittany cooed, placing her hand over Santana's until the Latina sighed and nodded in resignation and dropped the keys into Brittany's hand. As much as it sucked to admit it, she felt too emotionally drained to drive, and it made her feel even worse about herself that Brittany was being so sweet. Because she knew deep inside that she didn't deserve it. She had never told Brittany her true feelings, and constantly pushed her away, even when she admitted she loved her.
The car ride was silent, and Santana stared out into the looming darkness. Thankfully, the ride was quick, and she didn't have too long to think how horribly this could go, and that the pain was far from over. Frankly, she felt like she didn't have any fight left in her, and that was saying something.
Brittany lead her to the front door, and both stopped before entering. Santana could tell that Brittany had something she wanted to say.
"Go straight up to my room ok? Get into my bed and stay there. I'll try be quick with mom, and I hope she understands that we need each other right now. Then I'm going to get into bed and we're going to cuddle and go to sleep. No more talking about this, not tonight." She said, with a surprising amount of authority and care at the same time.
Brittany just seemed to continue surprising Santana, who hadn't been expecting this kind of treatment at all. She was making it really, really hard not to love her. So instead of melting into a ball of mush over how adorably sweet Brittany was being, she just nodded in understanding.
When Brittany opened the door, she made sure to block out everything as she practically ran up the stairs into Brittany's room. It felt silly, but once she was inside, collapsed into her bed, she realised there was nowhere else she'd rather be. Just the smell of Brittany on her pillow and her sheets soothed her. So she got under the covers and covered herself in the delicious scent of vanilla and coconut. She'd never been more grateful for scented moisturiser. Because the smell was just so Brittany, and it made everything better for a little while.
Downstairs, Brittany nervously cornered her mom who was working on dinner in the kitchen, oblivious to the chaos that had just occurred.
"Mom.." Brittany called out tentatively, her emotions transparent as ever. Instantly, her mom knew something was wrong.
"Brittany, what is it?" She asked in deep concern, jumping to all kinds of conclusions only a mother would be able to conjure up with a split second.
Brittany took in a deep breath, feeling unprepared for this kind of announcement, knowing the reaction couldn't be good. But it was inevitable. So she mustered up all of her courage and looked her mom in the eye.
"I-I got Santana pregnant." She stuttered, her heart beating through her chest a million miles an hour as she waited for the response. It was like waiting for a bomb to explode.
Her mothers jaw dropped, and she stared at her daughter in disbelief. Brittany panicked, because she wasn't saying anything, and the silence was painful. So she took this time to try to explain herself, for Santana's sake.
"It was my fault. I didn't know it could even happen. I didn't know I could do that. But now her parents kicked her out and I told her to go upstairs to my room. Please, please let her stay, mom. Please!" She wasn't below begging at this point. She had been so composed this whole time, but the weight of the situation was starting to crash down on her and she felt so sick, so exhausted. She couldn't handle more rejection. She needed Santana to be ok, she had to take care of her, it was her duty.
"Brittany, please calm down." Her mother ordered, having never seen her daughter in such a state of distress. Unlike Santana's parents, Brittany's well-being came first. Not to say that she wasn't shocked.
"Firstly, I'm glad that you told me, I want you to feel like you can talk to me, ok? I love Santana like a child, and I'm really disappointed in you for not being more careful. But I'm going to have to find a new doctor, because I was sure that you were impotent. Honey, you didn't know better. But, you still should have been safe." Brittany hung her head in shame, already knowing how badly she'd screwed up. It hurt even more hearing it from her mom. Luckily though, she was a very sensitive, understanding woman.
"Oh, Brittany." She sighed sadly. A part of her wanted to be angry, but another part reminded her that she was a mother, and that she had to take care of her daughter. No matter what the circumstance.
"I'm proud that you've stuck with Santana. A lot of boys would have freaked out and left by now. But you two are so much stronger than that, ok? You need to be with her, and take care of her. The poor girl has just been kicked out of her own home. But I promise her parents will come around, different people react in different ways to such a thing. No parent wants that for their child." In that moment, Brittany was more than glad that her mom was a psychologist. Because she knew so much about this kind of situation.
"I'm so sorry, mom. I love you. I just feel so bad for doing this to her." Brittany choked out, forcing back the tears that had been threatening to fall all day.
"Honey.." Her mother cooed, falling into a reassuring embrace. The two held each other for a while, until Brittany calmed down and took a few deep breaths. She didn't want to have red eyes and runny nose when she went up to see Santana.
"If it was anyone, I'm glad it was Santana. I've never seen anyone look at someone with such love and adoration than she does to you." Brittany pulled away from the hug and tilted her head in confusion. But her mother just smiled knowingly.
"She'll tell you when she's ready. Now, she's got to learn to love herself, and you need to be patient, and be there for her. But don't get ahead of yourself." She joked, shooting Brittany a pointed look, who merely chuckled softly and rolled her eyes.
"I'll let you two sleep together at night, as long as it's just sleeping. I'm sure one baby is enough for Santana." She said. Brittany just shot her a look that yelled 'Mom!' but knew this was her mom's odd way of saying that it was ok for Santana to stay, and that she recognised their intimate relationship. Brittany couldn't have asked for anything more.
"Thank you! Thank you so much, you have no idea... this means a lot. I have to go tell San." Brittany rambled, giving her mom a kiss on the cheek before leaping up the stairs two at a time while her mom just watched, unable to wipe the smile off of her face at her daughters shifting emotions.
Brittany was careful to open her bedroom door, making sure to be quiet in case Santana was asleep. But as she did, Santana's head shot up as if she'd been waiting for her the whole time. Brittany just smiled and closed the door behind her before crawling into the bed next to Santana.
"It's ok. Mom said you can stay, and she's not mad." She said quickly, and instantly Santana felt a weight off her shoulders. Her tense body relaxed and she shuffled closer to Brittany.
"I don't know what I'd do without you, B." Santana said quietly, biting her lip while she looked up bashfully into blue eyes.
Brittany just smiled and shook her head, before wrapping an arm around Santana's waist, bringing their bodies together so that they were flush against one another. Both melted into the physical connection, feeling safe and content for the first time that day.
"You wouldn't be pregnant." Brittany tried to joke, but it came out more bitter. As if she were still really mad at herself. But thankfully, Santana just snuggled closer into the crook of her neck, and placed a tender kiss against the sensitive skin. Brittany's stomach flipped at the gentleness of the touch.
"Lets not think about it that way. Ok? Tonight I just want you to hold me. Because when you're not, I fall apart. B, you keep me sane. I'm so glad it's you I'm going through this with." She mumbled sleepily, not realising how much her words had affected Brittany.
She wanted to be able to whisper goodnight, and tell her how much she loved her. But she remembered what her mom said. Santana needed time. She prayed that it was true, and that soon enough she'd tell her how she felt. But tonight, their love was unspoken. It was in the subtle caress of a thumb, the warmth of a steady breath, the soft, loving kisses they shared before they fell asleep with their limbs entwined.