Hey everyone!

Here I am with another chapter (yay!) and I hope you all enjoy it!

In this chapter we are going to be seeing Mags setting off on the Victory tour, so say goodbye to Leroy, Becky, Felix, Mr. Flint and District Four, because we won't be seeing them for a little while.

If you haven't seen I started a Sherlock Holmes story *squeal* that I am VERY excited about :D

If you like Sherlock Holmes, be sure to check it out ;)

A few notes on that, I've set the story in modern-day, and I am writing it based more off of the BBC series "Sherlock" more than the books or RDJ movies, (which I love, don't get me wrong) It's just "Sherlock" is set in modern-day and the portrayal of the characters is more like how I want to write them as. :)

So! Here we go with the new chapter!

Oh, and I was told by two of my friends that the email alert for the last chapter got sent to their spam, so if you didn't receive an alert for a chapter, I DID update it, you might want to go and read that first if you haven't already.

Cheers!

Chapter Eleven: Harder than we thought.

I wrap my arms tightly around Felix, almost sure I can hear his ribs cracking, but that doesn't stop him from holding me just as tightly.

"I love you."

I can't bring myself to say anything, so I just nod stiffly, keeping my face buried in his shirt, breathing in his scent and locking it away in my memory.

"You'll be home before you know it."

He says, and I can tell he's reassuring himself as much as he is me.

"I'm scared."

My voice is barely a whisper, but I know he heard me because he temporarily tightens his hold on me.

"I love you."

He repeats, and his arms loosen slightly.

"Don't let go."

I choke, desperation and fear filling my chest. He tilts my chin up and holds my face in his hands, locking my eyes to his with an intense gaze.

"I love you."

Before I can respond he silences me with a passionate kiss, his final goodbye. He breaks away, leaving me temporarily dazed, and takes a step back.

"I love you, you're going to be alright."

I keep a vise-like grip on his hands, shaking my head as he tries to take another step back, panic taking over my senses.

"Please don't make me go."

I see him shoot a look behind me, and then he pulls his hand away, tears shining in his pain filled eyes.

"No!"

I shout, lunging forward to latch onto him again, needing his protective embrace to shield me from the world. A surprised shout escapes my lips as a pair of arms wrap around my waist and hold me back. Felix looks torn but he remains standing a few feet away.

"Let me go! Let me go, Dash!"

I try to break his hold on me, but he won't let go. He starts to drag me towards the train, the open doors gaping like a demon's mouth, trying to swallow me and lock me away forever.

"No, no, no, no! Don't let them take me Felix, please don't let them take me."

The tears are streaming down his cheeks now, as well as mine, but he doesn't rescue me. He just stands there with his fists clenched, I know it's taking everything he has to stay put.

"Look after her, keep her safe."

He says desperately to Dash. I scream and struggle in Dash's arms, trying desperately to break free. The only logical thought that is flickering around inside my brain is telling me that I'm probably having a panic attack.

"Felix please!"

"You're going to be alright Mags, I promise."

He says, wiping the tears off with the back of his hand. I latch onto the door of the train, clinging to it like a barnacle. Dash is struggling to keep his hold on me while trying to detach my hands from the train door.

"Mags, let go."

He says sternly, I shake my head and attempt to jerk free again.

"Listen to me, you're having a panic attack, if you don't calm down I'll be forced to let them sedate you."

My grasp weakens slightly, and he takes the opportunity to pull me free, shouting back at Felix before the doors close.

"I'll take care of her, I promise."

Then the doors are sealed shut. Dash releases me, and I immediately throw myself against the door, pounding on it with my fists as the train pulls out of the station.

"No! No, no, no, no, no, no!"

I push past Dash and bolt to the window, slamming against it as I watch my home disappear slowly in the distance. I scream in anger and fear, and slam my fist against the window as hard as I can.

"Mags..."

I whirl around and hold a hand out to stop Dash from coming any closer.

"You...stay away from me."

I say haltingly, my voice choked with sobs. He pauses, and I run to my room, slamming the door shut behind me. I curl up on the bed and cover my head with my arms in a defensive position, sobbing into the pillow as I'm assaulted by images of memories I tried so hard to lock away and forget. I don't know how long I lay there before I hear the door open and suddenly someone is sitting on the bed next to me.

"Oh, Mags."

Pixie gently pulls me up and wraps her arms around me, resting her head against mine and rubbing my back comfortingly.

"Hey, shhh, we're going to be okay."

She's still Paula, void of anything Capitol. Some of her blonde hair is in my face, and a fresh wave of pain washes over me as I'm transported back in time to when I fell and skinned my knees, my mother held and comforted me, her voice calm and loving as always.

"I...I can't take it anymore...everything...hurts so much."

She shifts slightly so that I'm curled up against her side, leaning back against the headboard as she lets out a sigh.

"I know, I know. You're one of the strongest people I've ever known Mags, you can't give up now."

"But I can't live with this, I can't face the Capitol or the other Districts. How do they expect us to be reminded of the games all the time and remain sane?"

She shakes her head.

"They don't think about it Mags, they have absolutely no idea what you go through. They think winning makes you feel honored and happy, they expect you to look forward to the tour. If there's one thing I've learned from living in the Capitol and pretending to be one of them, it's that they are...well, in short they're innocent."

I look up shocked.

"Innocent?"

I say bitterly. She gives me a sad smile and nods.

"Except for the people in the Capitol who really knows how things are, and what really goes on, the Capitolites are like children. They don't understand that there's darkness in the world, that people are suffering. They've become blind to the bad things, living blissfully ignorant in their happy little world."

I think about this for a minute. Realizing that she's right, they do behave like children, they don't really understand what it's like. But the President, and the other evil people in the Capitol, they know what its like.

"How do I make it through this?"

She sighs and wipes my tears off with her thumb.

"You take a deep breath, keep your head up, and think about home. Remember that you will be going home soon, you'll be back with your family and Felix, you'll be by the ocean again."

"Is that what you do? When you have to live in the Capitol, you think of home?"

She gives me a sad smile and nods.

"Yes, I think of home."

I take a deep breath and sit up, rubbing my eyes slightly and letting out a sigh.

"I don't know how you can do it, living in the Capitol for half the year."

She laughs and shakes her head.

"Believe me, it's not easy. Although I do get to see Dash when..."
She trails off, and I nod.

"He told me."

Pain fills her eyes, and she shakes her head again.

"That poor boy has been through so much. I think the only thing that kept him going is his family, well and you now."
She gives me a small smile and pats my hand.

"Find strength in each other. You've been through so much, and you both can understand."

I nod.

"Why haven't I met Dash's family yet? I've known him for six months, and he's met my family."

Pixie smooths my hair out and pats my cheek.

"He's distanced himself from his family. He thinks it will protect them, but I think he does it because it hurts him to lie to them."

She stands up and brushes the wrinkles out in her shirt.

"If you want to know more about it, I suggest you ask him. You should talk to him, he's worried about you."

Guilt spreads through me as I remember his promise to Felix, and how I took my anger out on him and told him to stay away from me.

"I will. I just...need time alone."

Pixie nods and gives me a hug before walking out.

"If you want to eat anything, you can come out or order in. Don't hesitate to call if you need anything."

The rest of the evening I spend in my room, laying on my bed and staring at the ceiling mostly. I can't believe I had a panic attack this morning. Well, I had good reason too, but it was odd all the same.

I sigh and roll onto my stomach, resting my chin on my crossed arms and staring at the headboard. Before the games I never had issues with anxiety or trust. Now I'm lucky if I don't wake up screaming five times a night or jump at shadows. I feel like I've slowly lost my mind, and now I'm just a broken, paranoid little girl, afraid of the dark, scared of herself.

I'm scared to be alone, scared that I'll end up hurting myself again. I don't know how many times since the games I've contemplated just ending it all, the only thing keeping me from doing it is my family. And Will, I could never do that, it would make his death even more pointless. I need to stay alive, to survive, for him.

I eventually doze off, and it's not too long later when I'm thrown into a nightmare, one of the worst ones I've ever had. I wake up screaming as I plunge a knife into Will's chest, I break down and start crying, hugging my legs to my chest and burying my face in my knees. sobbing as the dark room seems to close in around me, suffocating me with depression and hopelessness.

I hear the door open and Dash is at my side in an instant, holding me tightly and gently rocking me back and forth.

"Hey, Mags you're safe, it was just a nightmare."

"It was...horrible."

I gasp out, feeling my body tremble from the adrenaline and tension in my muscles.

"I know, I'm here now."

I draw in a shaky breath and try to force myself to calm down, focusing on his steady heartbeat. I slowly settle down, my body relaxing into his arms.

"There we go. Better?"

I nod, and take another deep breath.

"I...I can't go back to sleep."

He nods and then straightens up suddenly.

"Hey, I have an idea."

Curiosity causes me to pull out of his protective embrace, and I straighten up as well.

"What?"

He gives me a small smile and takes my hand.

"Come on, I want to show you something."

He leads me out into the train, through cars and corridors I've never explored. Finally we end up in a dark car, the first thing registering in my mind is, black. The walls are black, the carpet is black, the furniture is black. It makes me uneasy, and I find myself standing closer to Dash, wrapping my free arm around his.

"Why are we here?"

I ask in a whisper, afraid to raise my voice in the strange black room. He gives my hand a gentle squeeze and pulls me further into the room.

"Trust me. Here, lay down."

In the middle of the room there is a large piece of flat furniture, definitely not the strangest Capitol thing I've seen. It's basically a couch the size of a king bed without a back. I hesitantly sit on it, and Dash follows suit.

"Okay, lay down on your back."

I give him an odd look, but does as he says. He lies down beside me and pushes a few buttons on a panel beside the couch. Suddenly the black in the roof fades away, revealing that the top of this car is made entirely out of glass. I gasp as the sky is revealed, showing us millions of stars. The perfectly black room makes me feel like I'm floating in space among the stars.

Dash holds my hand and rests his head against mine.
"You like it?"

I nod, finding all the familiar constellations that Felix, my brothers and I would point out while laying on the beach.

"Thank you."

He kisses my temple and gives my hand a squeeze.

"You're welcome. I found that sleeping in here, feeling like you're up there with the stars, helps keep my problems and fears far away."

I smile slightly, understanding exactly what he means. I feel calm and relaxed, like nothing can hurt me.

"Do...do you think I'd have nightmares if I fell asleep here?"

He turns to look at me.

"If you do, I'll be right here to protect you."

I take a deep breath and slide a little closer to him. He slides his arm underneath me and lets me rest my head against his shoulder.

"We'll help each other get through this."

He nods.

"I'm going to need you before this tour is over."

I hesitate before asking.

"Do you have...assignments?"

He just nods briefly. I slide my hand in his instead of replying, and I can feel the slight tremor in his hand. This tour is just as much his hell as it is mine.

"We'll be alright."

After a minute of silence, I decide to ask him what I've been wanting to.

"Why haven't you introduced me to your family?"

He's silent for so long, I wonder if he dozed off, but he finally answers me.

"I...I don't see my family very much anymore."

"What are you afraid of?"

He shrugs slightly.

"I don't want them to see me so...I don't know."

"So broken?"

He sighs heavily.

"Yeah I guess. I have to lie to them, about why I go on...visits, to the Capitol. I feel like I'll taint them if I'm around them too much. I'm still the traitor, the black sheep of the District. I hate seeing that part in their eyes that remembers what I did in the games."

There's a moment of silence, and I finally realize something.

"Hey Dash?"

"Yeah?"

I shift slightly.

"I just realized...us victors, we've killed people, we were in the arena, now we're broken, damaged, fragile. Everyone looks at us like we're the strongest, the toughest and the most together people in the Districts and Capitol, when really, we're the weakest, and the most broken apart."

He nods.

"It's because we've been to war, we fought and killed to survive, we became killers to come out alive. But coming out of the arena alive, it leaves part of you behind, it changes you."

He rests his cheek against my head as he says quietly.

"It leaves us permanently battle worn."