Nether Worry

Part 8

Pairing: Agent Washington/Tucker, Caboose/Church, Grif/Simmons

Description: In which the Reds and Blues come across a lonely Creative Mode dweller, Sarge makes about ten times more Iron Golems than are strictly necessary, and where Tucker learns that Wash is indeed not a replacement for Church and that may or may not be a bad thing after all.

"What's taking them so long?" Washington asked, glaring at Blue Base with equal intensity as Sarge did everyday.

"Calm down, man," York suggested, patting the younger miner on the back comfortingly. "I'm sure your boyfriend'll be just fine."

"He's not my-" Wash stopped, closing his mouth at the look York gave him, one he was far too familiar with now adays.

"Dude, quit lying. I saw the way you two were looking at each other, it was the same way I stared at 'Lina before we started dating," York explained, smiling at the memory. "Just tell him before some weird shit happens to him."

"Yeah, 'cus if ya don't, he's as good as dead around here," South stated matter-of-factly. "Fuck him while you can, Wash."

"You're not helping." Wash made sure to inform them, crossing his arms stubbornly. "It's alot harder than you think. I mean, Tucker's into girls, I can't just go in there and drop the bomb that I'm into him!"

"Yes you can," Carolina confirmed, shrugging at her younger brother's worry. She'd dealt with it for years after all. "Just go in there, tell him you're into him, then wait for a reaction. The worst he can do is say no, Wash."

"Or kick you out," South added, looking up from where she was seated on Caboose's shoulders. "He could throw you into the harsh, awful world and let you fend for yourself."

North walked past Caboose, smacking South on the knee, making her scoff and growl under her breath. "Ignore her," He suggested, smirking at his young friend. "Want my advice? Take it slow and wait for this whole thing of him being sick to blow over. Wait for your moment, then strike."

Wyoming gave North a careful look. "You sound like you're suggesting a way to murder him, lad," He made sure to inform the other, giving Wash a kinder look. "Just kiss him, for the love of God! What is with you kids and your ridiculous love triangles anyhow!?"

"Says the guy who I caught kissing Flo-" Connie was cut off as Wyoming smacked a hand over her mouth, muffling her until she licked his hand, making him squeak and let go. "My advice? Go with the flow, Wash."

Wash sighed, shaking his head. "Thanks, I guess, but I think I'm more confused now than I was before this conversation." He admitted, looking away.

As the seconds crept by for Doc's return, a sudden arrow shot through the air, smashing down beside Carolina's foot, making her jump. The red head swung around at once, sword at the ready, before she stopped, eyes wide as she gazed at the blonde before her. Tex stood tall and angry before the Freelancers and Blood Gulch Crew, a Zombie with mist surrounding it to her left, and a Creeper to her right. She glared at the two groups, looking them over before her eyes landed on Kaikaina, who was staring shamelessly at her breasts. The older woman gave Sister an odd look, looking the brunet up and down.

"Hey, kid," Tex said, snapping her fingers to catch Sister's attention. "Quit staring at my chest."

"You're kinda hot," Sister stated, as if this were a very important fact. "You from some kinda desert biome, lady?"

"It's Tex," Tex explained, suddenly glaring full force at Carolina. "Who the fuck are you?"

"Who the fuck are you?" Carolina countered, crossing her arms as she gave Tex a once over with her emerald eyes.

"I asked you first." Tex insisted angrily.

"I asked you second." Carolina stated, smirking at the natural blonde.

Beside her, the Zombie scoffed, sounding flabbergasted. "Aw... She is Beth Allison AKA Tex; world famous sword-wielder, natural blonde, Blood Gulch Queen, part-time miner."

"... Oh..." Carolina simply replied, not looking too impressed by the looks of it.

"Now... who, the fuck, are you?" Tex asked, voice teetering on dangerous and blood-thirsty.

"My name's Carolina. I'm new to Blood Gulch." Carolina provided, smirking again at the blonde. "So... you're the girl Caboose keeps going on about... 'bout time I finally met you."

"You only heard about her, like, seven minutes ago," York spoke up, but shut up when he saw the way Carolina and Tex were glaring at each other. That glare only meant one thing for Carolina, and judging by the way that Zombie was starting to freak out... aw fuck.

"Hey, guys, I- what's going on?" Doc stopped short, staring from Carolina to Tex, a first-aid in his hands. "Uh... whose she?"

"We'll get to that later. How's Tucker?" Washington stepped in, brows knitting with worry as he walked over to Doc.

"What's wrong with Tucker?" The skeleton asked, stepping forward, so that a tiny white mini-version of church could pop up before the miners. "He dead?"

"Church!" Caboose screeched, throwing South haphazardly off his shoulders, letting her collapse on Connie as he talk-hugged the Zombie. "I have missed you so much! Did you miss me?"

Faintly, Wash could just make out Church whispering something to Caboose, before he straightened, his momentary anger diluted for the time being. "Seriously, where the fuck is Tucker?"

Doc sighed, rubbing sweat from his forehead. "Inside, but you can't see him right now. Actually, that's what I'm here to explain. You see, your friend is-"

"Dying? Oh no!" Caboose screeched, letting go of Church to grab Doc by the shoulders, sobbing violently.

"No, he's not dying, he just has-" Doc, once again, was cut off.

"No chance to live? I knew it!" Caboose exclaimed, now on his knees. Off to the side, Connie had a bowl of popcorn, eating excitedly as she watched the scene unfold.

"Caboose! One more interruption outta you, and he's gonna have two patients." Church promised, raising his fists carefully, though it was clearly an inexperienced action for him in his new body.

"How do I say this, your friend is..." Doc stopped, making everyone just stare him through several beats of silence.

"Why are you pausing? Caboose is not gonna interrupt you this time." Carolina explained, seeing as if Church didn't shut him up, she would. She was just as curious as the others to see what was wrong.

Doc rolled his eyes, showing a bit of hidden sass underneath his usual layer of fear and shyness. "No, that was just for dramatic effect. He's pregnant." He confirmed, looking proud.

"Wait, what the fuck?" York asked, giving Washington a long stare. "Dude, I thought you were gay! And I thought Tucker was man!"

"Heheh, fucking preggers." South muttered under her breath, smirking before she paused, looking very excited. "Holy shit, that means he's having a kid! Fuck yeah!"

"Doc, you've gotta be fucking lying. Tucker can't get pregnant." Wash explained, looking absolutely horrified with Doc's conclusion.

"Yeah, well, maybe SOME old chap should've used protection, hm?" Wyoming stated, with everyone giving Wash a round of disappointed stares.

Wash sputtered, looking from the Freelancers to the Blood Gulch Crew. "For the last time, I am not in a relationship with Tucker! Secondly, even if I were, I'm asexual!"

Caboose tilted his head, utterly confused. "Washingtub, what is asexual supposed to mean?"

"Oh, well, it means I can still love someone, but I just don't want to have sex while in our relationship." Wash explained.

"Oh... what does sex mean?" Caboose decided to ask next, after all, if Wash had used the word, surely HE would know what it meant, right?

"Uh..." Wash trailed off, suddenly wearing a way too enthusiastic grin for the Blue rookie. "Well, I'm no expert obviously, but the Reds would just LOVE to tell you all about it, Caboose!"

Caboose gasped, eyes wide. "Really?"

Wash nodded, internally noting to thank the Reds later on. "Yep! Why don't you go on over to Red Base with them and learn about it while I take care of Tucker?"

"That sounds very fun..." Caboose announced, mulling it over. "I think I will do that."

"Perfect." Wash replied, maneuvering Caboose to go with a rather pissed off looking Red Team. "Have fun, buddy!"

"You owe us big time, Washington." Simmons promised, honest to God glaring at Wash before walking off with his team, Caboose in tow.

Wash turned back to Doc, glare sharp on his face. "Alright... now let me see Lavernius."

The inside of Blue Base was warm and inviting, yet the thick stink of sickness ricocheted through the air, making anyone who entered gag or step back. Wash bit his tongue, walking behind the medical officer to soon stand beside Tucker's bed, where the darker man was found soundly sleeping. His skin was flaming hot to the touch, and his face was soaked with a thick layer of sweat. The sick miner groaned in his sleep, unable to turn over on his belly, a small but very round and noticeable bump now showing. Wash hesitated, but then rested one of his hands on the round mound, sighing as he stared at Tucker.

"I gave him some meds to keep him under," Doc informed the Freelancer, a considerable distance behind him. "He'll be out for at least an hour or so, but he might deliver any day now."
"How could he've gotten pregnant? Not that I'm saying he is, but... is it possible?" Wash asked, squinting down at the younger man's stomach. "I've never heard of a male pregnancy before."

"Zombies do it to Villagers sometimes, but usually only females," Doc explained, already setting a bucket of water to boil on a nearby stove. "I'm not saying it's common, but I believe it's possible. Can you ask Sister if her and Tucker got attacked by any Zombies on their quest?"

"Uh, yeah, I can do that." Wash replied, nodding to himself as he grabbed a small, Red Stone powered machine. Sarge had invented a few days ago. "This is what Sarge calls a 'Walky Talky'. If something happens... press the red button. It'll connect you to Red Base."

"Got it. Don't you worry about a thing, Wash. Tucker is in good hands... okay, not good hands, but reliable ones!" Doc promised, waving at Wash as the Freelancer ran off.

Alone again, Doc got to work. He checked on the water again before searching a nearby chest, finding wool blankets and a few sponges inside. He grabbed a bucket of colder water, and threw the sponges in to let them soak. The medic quickly washed his hands in the sink afterwards, running some over his face. He was exhausted, and part of him was reminding him that he'd never performed a successful birth before... but hey, seventeenth time's the charm, right? Yeah, he'd do just fine. It's not like Washington and the others would kill him in a fit of rage of Tucker died, right? Oh God, go to your happy place, Frank! Go to your happy place!

"You're a real lucky guy, Tucker," Doc announced, deciding to just talk aloud to his unconscious patient. It was better than thinking about his possible death by nightfall. "Having a boyfriend like Wash must be so comforting, knowing he's there for you. At least, I believe you're both dating. You're just hiding it, I'm sure."

Tucker didn't reply, unless his pain filled moan was any acknowledgement towards the medical officer. "I know it hurts, buddy. Just lie still. The baby'll be here soon." Doc assured his patient, patting his head comfortingly.

After a few minutes of this, the Walk Talky went off, flashing bright red. Doc clicked the red button, blinking down at the device. "Um... hello?" He asked, voice a bit worried. He'd never seen technology this advanced before. "Is anyone there?"

There was heavy static before a voice broke through, hard to hear yet easy to interpret upon further listening. "Doc, this is York! Wash asked me to call you on this thing! By the way, this thing is fucking awesome!"

"Heya, York." Doc greeted, trying not to sound too nervous. "Any news from Washington and Sister about my theory?"

"Yeah, Wash said that Sister said that they didn't meet any Zombies. Sister also told me to tell you that she thinks Crunchbite did it, whoever that is. Sounds like a professional Endermen hunter." York explained, the sound of others talking in the background making it hard to hear him. "Hey, guys, quiet the fuck down, I can't hear shit from Doc!"

"Then why don't you clean out the bird shit from your ears!?" South suggested, a loud 'Ow' being heard afterwards, possible from someone smacking South in the head.

"Sorry 'bout that," York apologized, chuckling a bit under his breath. "Everything's kinda hectic at Red Base... that Sarge guy keeps yelling about 'Hermaphrodite Blues' or some shit."

"Alrighty then... Crunchbite... I think I heard Sister mentioning him earlier, when I was working on Tucker in the Base. Didn't she say he was an Endermen or something?" Doc asked, trying to keep the stories straight in his mind.

"Uh... let me check..." York pulled away from the Walky Talky on his end, screaming loudly in the background. "Yo, Sister, Doc wants to talk to ya!"

In a matter of seconds, Doc's ears were flooded by Sister's loud and bodacious voice. "Oh, hey Doctor guy! So, you wanna talk or something? I got tons I can talk about!"

Doc coughed weakly into his hand, blushing rose red. "Um, actually, I wanted to know a little more about your friend Crunchbite."

And just like that, Sister went quiet, a rare occurrence in everyday Red vs Blue life. "Oh... yeah, him. Well, he was my friend who saved me once, and we stuck together for a long time... he left awhile back."

"I'm sorry to hear that," Doc replied in his best 'Doctor-Explaining-A-Loved-Ones-Death' voice, trying to keep his tone level and neutral. "Can you tell me his species and appearance?"

"Yeah! He was an Endermen, and he was, like, mega fucking tall! Also, he had a blue bow on for, like, two seconds one time when I put it on him. He burned it. It was hot. Like, the fire was hot, not Crunch, that's kinda fucking weird." Sister explained, her tone getting lighter and happier again.

Doc nodded to himself, scribbling it all down in an empty book with an ink stained quill. "I see. Was there anything else that was abnormal about him? Personality wise or physical wise?"

That got Sister to pause again, not from sadness or repressed feelings, but from honest to God confusion. "He was kinda... quiet. I dunno, lots of Endermen kinda are, but he was, like, super duper quiet. Like, he always looked like he wanted something, something really big that he couldn't tell me. I think it was that block thing, but I dunno, man."

"Got it. Thanks for the help, Sister." Doc replied, waiting until Sister had wished her goodbye to hang up. "Well, now I'm even more stumped. Guess we're clueless until the baby comes..."

"Hrgh!" Tucker cried out, snapping awake in a cold sweat as he writhed on the bed, looking shocked and suffering. "Holy shit! Ow, ow, ow! Why does it hurt!?"

"Oh boy..." Doc muttered, snapping on some clean leather gloves. "Better get the water and call Wash... this'll be interesting."

"I want to see Tucker!" Caboose boomed, the only reason that he was not in Blue Base being that the entirety of Red Team was dog-piling on him. "He is crying!"

"Caboose!" Simmons's voice was high pitched, mainly from fear, as he struggled to stay on top of the giant Blue miner. "Please calm down! Tucker is gonna be.. OW, fine! Grif, get the fuck off!"

"You get off!" Grif yelled, somehow having a much better grip on the miner than anyone else on his team.

"Both 'a ya shut it!" Sarge ordered, kicking outwards in a random fury. Donut squeaked, almost slipping off as Sarge's foot connected with his thigh. "Oops. Sorry there, Donut. Pass that on off to Grif, will ya?"

"Yes sir!" Donut replied, very lightly patting Grif's head rather than kicking the larger miner. "I think that'll do!"

Sarge outwardly groaned. "Dammit, Donut! When I say kick I mean for you to clobber Grif into the goddamn ground! Not tap 'im!"

Donut nodded quickly, giving a slightly harder tap to Grif's cheek this time, earning a neutral 'Meh' from the receiver. "That good, sir?"

Sarge had lost his faith in the wonder child that was Donut by the time North stepped outside, he and Washington being the only ones besides Doc inside Blue Base during the birth. "I've got news." The twin announced, earning everyone's attention. "The baby'll be here any minute!"

"Great!" York chirped, then stopped, suddenly awestruck. "Um... what're we gonna do when it fucking comes out? I mean, we're not exactly baby experts."

"We'll go with it," Carolina promised, standing before North as the leader of the Freelancers. "How's Tucker?"

"He's... well, he's getting through it. I've never heard a grown man scream that loudly before." North admitted, scratching the back of his head.

"Really? Woulda thought York would scream louder while you were sucking his hairy cock!" South stated, looking all too proud of herself for the insult. She blinked, surprised by everyone's glaring. "What? Just trying to lighten up the mood since that Tucker guy is gonna drop dead."

Before anyone, namely North, correct South or argue with her, a loud, thunderous cry arose from the base. "Holy shit! Oh my God... OH MY GOD! THAT IS NOT A HUMAN! THAT IS NOT A HUMAN FETUS!" Wash came screeching out of the base, terror written on his face. "THAT IS NOT A CHILD! THAT IS AN END SPAWN!"

Everyone stared, perturbed yet interested. "So... whose gonna go in first?" Church asked, looking around at his teammates and acquaintances. "Oh come on, someones gotta go check on those assholes!"

"He's right!" Sarge bellowed, standing up at once, a heroic pose in place. "As the leader of Red Team, it is my soul duty to protect my squad, even Grif... CHARGE!" He bounded into Blue Base.

Not two minutes passed before Sarge came screaming out, face white as a sheet as he ran off for cover. "ON SECOND THOUGHT, THERE IS NO SHAME IN RETREATING!" He claimed, escaping into Red Base with shocking speed.

Caboose then stood, Simmons, Grif, Donut, and Lopez tumbling to the ground beside him as the Blue miner stared at his own base. "I will go meet the scary baby... and we will be friends." He walked right in, despite everyone's protests.

A few minutes later (He lasted longer than Sarge or Wash), a loud, terrified screaming filled the air. "That tears it!" South announced, readying her Iron Sword. "You can terrify Wash! You can chase of the Sarge guy! You can even be an abomination! But NO ONE messes with Caboose!" She took off inside, finally followed by everyone else.

What was inside was beyond imagination.

"Oh my God!" Surely Church.

"It's HIDEOUS!" Definitely Tex.

"Hoppy shit!" That was York.

"!" Ah, yes, Maine.

There were many other reactions, but all of them were very similar. The Freelancers watched curiously as Doc held the small, squirming bundle in his arms. The little humanoid had pitch black skin, darker than even Tucker's skin. His eyes were a violent shade of pink, burrowing into anyone who stared too long, creeping into their unsuspecting souls. His hair matched his skin, yet was a shade darker, and the inside of his mouth looked like a black-hole. The infant cried out as Doc held him, kicking and crying for Tucker, who was barely conscious.

"It's a... boy?" Doc managed, loyally handing the small monstrosity to Tucker, who held the baby securely in his half-dead grip. "Congratulations!"

"Yeah, congratulations on your bastard child, Tucker." Tex muttered, patting the short man's head almost fondly. "You two'll be real happy together!"

"I... can I just die? Like, seriously, can I just die? Right here?" Tucker begged, the baby grabbing at his lip, pulling angrily. "The fuck you want, buddy?" He asked, though he sounded oddly... happy? It was hard to tell. "You hungry or some shit?"

"Okay, yeah, no, I'm not watching you feed that thing!" Church decided, turning to walk away. "Fuck this, fuck that monster, and fuck me!"

"I would, but you literally have no cock." Tex promised, earning a loud, steady silence. "Hey, I'm just being honest."

"That is not a baby." York whispered, barely loud enough for Carolina to hear over everyone's continued chattering.

"What do you mean? It looks like a baby to me." Carolina announced, hands on her hips as she nodded at the tiny child.

"The fuck?" North rarely swore, but for once, he let himself. "How can you believe that... that Mob is a human baby?"

"Babies don't gotta be human," South told her twin, taking the baby from Tucker's grip, looking it over carefully. "... Yeah, this is a legit baby."

"So... what now?" Connie asked, and the room grew painfully quiet, the only sounds being the baby's continued cries and Tucker's pained moans.

What now indeed.

A/N: This took literally centuries, but here we are! JUNIOR! Please R&R!

~CabooseHeart.