Author's note: This chapter is a little beta light, as the usual team of miscreants who make me a better woman were MIA tonight and I was itching to post. Thanks to wordslinger and HexPixie for helping me out! Also, big love to IndieFicPimp for pimping this fic, even though it's just began. WARNING: Potentially disturbing theme in this chapter involving abuse. Please note that I will never write rape, statutory or otherwise, in detail.

Facebook Status: Engaging in Buttsecks.

Fuck prostitution, bribery was the oldest profession.

Gmail was taunting me. It was difficult to even think about writing the email I was about to compose, but my bank account had dwindled to a negative, which meant Mafia Joe would be coming to Forks to break my knees pretty soon if I didn't top off my overdraft. Yes, I was being dramatic and whatnot, but it seemed to be what I did best. Phil needed another email from me, one that would be sure to capture his attention.

New Chat: JBlack180 - Bells?

Fuck, I forgot to go "invisible." It was so weird; Jake and I chatted every day without fail, but now that we were in the same state, only twenty miles away from each other, I felt the need to hide. Swallowing the lump in my throat, I changed my status to 'Busy: Engaging in buttsecks.'

JBlack180: Don't be weird

SyliaPsDead: Don't be so anal.

JBlack180: We need to talk.

SyliaPsDead: About what?

JBlack180: About what happened at the beach.

SyliaPsDead: No.

JBlack180: Alright, anything else then. Your silence is deafening.

SyliaPsDead: We're chatting in lame song lyrics now?

JBlack180: James is soooo not lame!

SyliaPsDead: Do you think I should have used lube?

JBlack180: lmao, you mean for the buttsecks ur having?

SyliaPsDead: No. I mean all those times I let my stepfather fuck me.

JBlack180 has logged off

I stared at the screen in utter terror. At first, I felt nothing. Literally. It was like I was astral projecting, and I couldn't connect my mind with my body. I wiggled my toes, trying to stimulate some sort of sensory perception.

It worked. My hands and feet exploded into pins and needles and then went numb entirely. The sensation rose steadily throughout my extremities, until I was certain that my brain had gone numb too, like a tourniquet had been wrapped around my neck, stopping blood flow to my head.

The thought of it made my throat feel tight. I swallowed several times, but it was painful and my breathing was strained, like my airway was narrower than it should have been.

Suddenly, I became very aware that my respiration felt wrong. I sucked in some air, but my lungs didn't feel like they were inflating properly. My breathing quickened, offering barely a minuscule of relieve with each laboured gasp. I repeated the process several times until I was dizzy.

"Charlie," I whimpered, forgetting that he wasn't home.

What was happening to me? I felt like I was going to die.

"Help," I whispered to no one. Fuck, what could I do? Panic gripped me. I needed to call Jake, but he was the one person in the world I couldn't call now.

What the fuck does one do when one can't breathe? Didn't I learn this kind of thing in my first aid training? I grabbed a mirror and used it to try to peer down my throat, searching for an obstruction. Since nothing was there, and it occurred to me that it would be impossible to perform CPR on myself, I did the next logical thing.

"911, what's your emergency?"

"I can't breathe," I gasped.

"Ma'am, were you in an accident."

"No."

"Do you have any allergies that you are aware of?"

I shook my head, but then remembered that the woman on the phone couldn't see me. "I- I'm not sure. Maybe I'm having an anaphylactic reaction to something. Please help me?"

"I've already dispatched an ambulance to your location."

"How do you know where I am?" I was astonished.

"All calls are traced."

"Oh."

"Ms. Swan? What's your first name?"

"Bella," I whispered.

"Bella, have you taken any illegal substances today?"

"No!" Um, that was last night.

"What were you doing when you first noticed that you were having trouble breathing?" Her voice was sympathetic. It made me want to go all fetal.

"Chatting online with a friend."

"Did something happen to upset you?"

"Kinda..." I admitted. I could see where she was going with this line of questioning, and once again, I felt like a douche.

"Bella, have you ever had a panic attack before?"

Not really, but I was aware of the symptoms. The more I thought about hyperventilation, of course, the more I noticed that I had been breathing just fine all along. Unless it really was possible to die from embarrassment, I was pretty sure I'd live.

"Is it too late to call off the ambulance?" I asked sheepishly.

"Yes, honey. You're gonna have to stay put."

I'm such an asshole.

-({})-

I've never been the kind of girl who found older men sexy (despite what my therapist would insist), however Dr. Cullen was the sexiest piece of Mougar meat I'd ever seen. Honestly, when he took my pulse, I nearly creamed my panties.

"Your heart rate is a little fast. Are you nervous?"

"Yeah...a little."

He smiled reassuringly. "Bella, you had a panic attack. The Ativan in your IV should already alleviating your stress. After I get your bloodwork back, I'm certain I'll be able to discharge you."

My panties soaked even more at the mention of the word "discharge." I smiled, swaying slightly on the exam table, and tried to let my hospital gown fall down my shoulder in an alluring manner. "You're really hot," I stammered.

"Thank you, Ms. Swan. I should warn you of some of the side effects of-"

"You're Sex-hair's father!" I screamed.

"Pardon me?"

"Sex-hair! You know, Abercrombie swagger, bronze fuck-me hair and gorgeous as all fuck...what's his name?"

Dr. Cullen appeared positively flummoxed, his eyes narrowing in concentration. "Er...Emmett?"

"Edward," Sex-hair corrected, smirking at me from the doorway.

Dr. Cullen turned away from me, and deposited his penlight into his coat pocket. "Son, what are you doing here?"

"I saw the ambulance pass by the Swan house and I was worried," he explained, looking at me with genuine concern, not just morbid curiosity.

"Who let you into the ER intake?"

"A nurse," he shrugged.

"Which nurse?"

"I don't kiss and tell."

Oh my God, he was such a slut!

"I didn't realize that you were friends with Bella."

"Yeah, well...we bumped into each other once."

My mouth went completely dry, and it occurred to me that I needed to say something profoundly perfect. However, what the fuck could I say to fix this situation? I mean, he heard me refer to him as "Sex-hair."

"They gave me Ativan," I explained, "and now I have discharge."

So much for second impressions...

-({})-

It was nearly dusk by the time I made it home. Somehow, in the tiny town of Forks, where your business is everyone's business, I managed to evade Charlie. Since his cruiser wasn't around, it was safe to assume that he remained blissfully unaware of my panic attack and ensuing hospital visit. Jake, on the other hand, was waiting for me on the front porch.

"Hey," he said awkwardly, fisting his pockets.

"I'm high on tranquilizers," I replied.

"What? Why?"

"Oh, so now you want to talk?"

"Hey," he complained, grabbing my wrist. "I tried to talk to you this morning..."

"But you bolted." There was a tremble in my voice that I couldn't control. I bit into my lower lip, concentrating on the dull pain that it created in the corner of my mouth. Jake's hand tightened around mine.

"Why did you say that...about your stepfather?"

"I dunno, because I'm an asshole?"

"Bells...you weren't serious, right?"

My eyes burned. I looked up at the porch light and imagined utter ridiculous shit, like midgets salad tossing and stuff, to try to keep myself from crying. My mouth contorted into a wide grin, cracking the dry corners of my lips. "What if I was?" I giggled.

Jake's hands went limp, and then he dropped my wrists altogether. My hands fell lifelessly at my sides. "So, this is a joke," he said, walking away. "Another plea for attention. Well, shit, Bella...you got my attention. I've decided I don't like you much anymore."

"I was totally serious." I couldn't stop laughing. Foxes were now invading my thoughts, little animated foxes dressed up as stewardesses. They were serving martinis to squirrels. "He's been coming into my room since I was fifteen." Tears rolled down my cheeks, and the stupid grin would not leave me.

"Go to hell, Bella."

"Don't go, Jake...please..." I gasped, desperately trying to inflate my lungs with air. "I've never told this to anyone before." Panic. It seeped into every cell of my body. The words I swore I'd never utter aloud were now released into the universe and I couldn't take them back. "I don't want you to hate me...I know I'm a freak, but you're the only real friend I've ever had."

He froze, the tense muscles of his back seems to ripple with further tension as he processed my words. His arm bent at his side, his hand clenching into a fist. "Bells?" he whispered, sounding childlike and desperately fearful. "This didn't happen to you. Please tell me this didn't happen?"

Jake's terror was what did me in. I had always managed to justify my arrangement with Phil, knowing in my core that what I was doing with him was too disgusting for words. Seeing Jake come apart knocked my feet from under me. I fell to my knees and howled out a terrible cry. The secrets I should never have spoken were now the only thing Jake would ever think about when he looked at me.

I succumbed to this terrible emotion, this despondent humiliation that plagued me, and allowed Jacob to witness my breakdown. He pulled me into his arms and whispered words that held no meaning, but still they soothed me, and I cried against his chest. I'd lived in denial for so long.

Finally, I had allowed the floodgates open. I drowned.

Author's Note: So, this was a little more angsty than I usually write. I hope it was still enjoyable! I was on vacation last week and couldn't reply to reviews very well, but I read and re-read every one! I'm highly disorganized and slightly insane so sometimes it takes me a while to reply to stuff.

BBS Readers: My Fandom Gives Back outtake will be posted as a separate story tomorrow. Add me to your author alert for the notification. I'll also tweet it. That outtake was one of the most messed-up thing I've ever written!

Fic Rec: Paper Heart by HezPixie. I've pimped it on the TwificPimps blog as well, and I had the honour of being beta'd by the lovely author for this chapter. Read it! You'll thank me, I promise.

Big inappropriate love!