A/n: This was inspired by Kurt's version of "I want to hold your hand" in the new episode. When I first heard they were doing that song I wanted Will to be singing it to/about Emma although it wouldn't really fit in the context of the episode and now we know that Will isn't singing it at all but Kurt is. So this is my version of 'what if it was Will who sang the song?'
Emma smiled upon seeing Will's blue clunker pull into the parking lot. She had to admit she was incredibly relieved to see that old car again especially after his brief stint of insanity. Emma knew why he did it, to impress her. First with allowing Carl to talk to glee kids, then purchasing the exact same car as Carl (and trying to out do her boyfriend with heated seats), then showing off said car and her to his ex-wife, who Emma imagined had no idea she was no longer seeing Will, and then finally with Toxic. He was trying to prove to her that could loosen up and he did, but a little too much. A year ago, trying to impress her with a flashy car, standing up to his ex-wife for her, dancing and singing for her, would have had her swept under his spell and had her falling so hard but she was wiser now.
Will was becoming less and less of the man she had fallen in love those four years ago when she first started working at McKinley and where that gave her a chance to try to move on, it also disappointed her because she still wanted Will as her best friend.
So when he pulled into school, that first day after he told he he'd take back the car, with his old car she couldn't help but be relieved. That was the first sign that she was getting her old Will back. The second sign was that when they did talk he no longer tried to prove himself better than Carl and it was like they were returning to old times. Except Emma could sense a change in him and it was nothing that he had control over.
As he stepped out of the car, Emma watched as he dragged himself across the parking lot, staring at the ground looking defeated. Just last year it was rare to see Will Schuester walking across campus in the morning without a smile on his face. This year it was the complete opposite, he almost never had a smile on his face and when he did, someone had caught him on a good day. Emma hated seeing Will like that and she hated knowing that she was reason behind it. She wished that she could do something to help him but the only way that she could was not something she was even going to think about.
At least not yet.
She continued to stare out her office window until Will's form disappeared out of her view. She sighed quietly to herself and tried to focus on the work that had to be done but her eyes occasionally drifted towards the front of her office, silently hoping that he would appear to talk to her.
Out of the corner of her eye she saw a flash of a curly head and she lifted her head, smiling meaningfully towards the door. Her smile fell at the realization that it was only a student passing by and she dropped her eyes to her desk.
She should not be waiting for Will like that. Her heart should not be pounding at the anticipation of seeing him. Sure, he was her friend but friends don't get that excited about seeing other friends do they?
Emma wouldn't know really. Her only true best friend had been the man she was (or might possibly is..) in love with and so she couldn't decipher between friendly feelings and overly friendly feelings.
She waited for ten minutes, glancing between her work and the emptying hallway and when the starting bell finally rang, her heart sunk in disappointment.
She cursed herself for that sinking in her heart. She did not, she could not feel that way for Will anymore.
She jumped as her cell phone vibrated loudly through her bag. She quickly shuffled through her back, in the back of her mind knowing who it was, but still hoping, for some reason, that she'd see Will's name on the screen.
Will's name was not on the screen and she let out another sigh as she flipped her phone open to read the text message.
Have a good day at work today Ems.
Her lips twitched at Carl's thoughtfulness but her heart clenched at the name. For years that had been Will's nickname and if anyone else called her that it wouldn't feel right and that still proved to be true. Will hadn't called her 'Em' in months and Carl kept calling her 'Em' or 'Ems' and she hoped that it would sink in and feel comfortable to have Carl calling her such a simple yet endearing nickname but yet Will was the only one who she felt comfortable with calling her that.
She sent a quick but sweet message in response and then shut off her phone, putting off talking to her own boyfriend until the end of the day.
The day seemed to drag on forever. Her appointments with the students didn't go as fast as they usually did, the time in between sessions ticked by with endless minutes and once again she found herself waiting for Will to show up in her doorway, smiling his goofy smile and rambling on about glee club.
Emma always knew his schedule inside and out and this year was no different. On his free period she waited and waited for him to show up and talk to her but he never came. During her bathroom breaks, even though the bathrooms were right down the hall, she'd make the trek down to his classroom to get a glimpse of him but whenever she did his doorway was closed.
The last few days, even after they had had their conversation and he'd admitted "The boring someone I already am wasn't good enough for you" he still had talked to her so she had to wonder what had gone wrong today.
Lunch was much the same; no sign of Will. She sat at their usual table eating quietly and trying not to appear like she was waiting so desperately for Will to arrive. She was sure the whole faculty knew of her new relationship and if they saw her waiting for Will like her old love sick self it wouldn't appear very good.
However as the hour drew to a close she couldn't hide the disappointment on her face when Will never showed up. She quickly and carefully packed up her tupperware and headed back to her office, taking the long way, passing Will's spanish room and office hoping to get a glimpse of him.
Just to see how he was of course.
His spanish room was completely empty and when she passed his office she saw him through his office in the choir room sitting on a stool with his guitar. All the doors were closed so she couldn't hear what he was playing and she was half tempted to open the door but her next appointment was rapidly approaching and stopped her from doing so.
The rest of the day passed just as slowly and as her work day came to a slow end she realized that it seemed significantly empty without Will. She loved talking to Will, even if he had been a little mopey lately.
The last bell rang and the hallways erupted in noise as the students made their way out of the classrooms and out the door of the school.
Emma finished what she had to do for the day and started to pack up her things. She turned on her phone again and held her breath waiting for it to vibrate with text messages or missed calls.
She let out a deep sigh when no new messages appeared on the screen and she carefully placed her phone back in her bag.
She wiped down her desk even though Carl had told her not to. Every time they would go out Carl would ask her how she was doing with her OCD and then give her some tips on what not to do anymore. His latest one was not to wipe down everything before and after using it.
She had every intention of trying to do that when she walked in that morning but her concern for Will had pushed the thought out her mind and she even went back to cleaning her fruit that day.
After she cleaned her desk, she was tempted to clean the pencils she had used that day but she refrained, finally remembering Carl's words. She bit her lip and threw out the dirty wipes, left the pencils on her desk, and finished packing up.
Suddenly there was a knock on her door and she whipped her head up, a hopeful smile on her face. It faded slightly when she saw that it was not Will but one of Will's favorite students, Rachel Berry. She forced the smile back onto her face and waved Rachel in.
Rachel grinned, opened the door and quickly approached Emma. Emma's eyes widened at Rachel's fast pace and glanced up at her questioningly.
"Is something the matter Rachel?"
Rachel shook her head. "Nothing is the matter Miss Pillsbury. I was just wondering if you would like to come down to the auditorium."
"Oh." Emma's eyebrows lifted in surprise but she smiled. "Are you performing?"
A knowing smile crossed Rachel's lips and a glint formed in her brown eyes. "There will be a special performance, yes. But we are pressed for time and I hope its not a hassle if we can get down there immediately."
"Oh of-of course." Emma rose from her seat and slung her bag over her shoulder, giving Rachel a slight look of suspicion. Rachel grinned at her and then pranced out of her office and Emma followed quickly behind.
"I hope you enjoy it." Rachel whispered to her and then took off down the hall. Emma furrowed her brow at Rachel's odd behavior and then opened the door.
A very familiar voice reached her ears and her breath caught in her chest as she stepped into the back of the auditorium. Will was seated on the stage on a stool with a guitar in his lap with no sign of any of the glee kids present.
"Oh please, say to me, you'll let be your man
and please say to me, you'll let me your hand
now let me hold your hand,
I want to hold your hand..."
Emma felt glued to the floor, the only part of her that could move was her involuntary movements, her heart beating, her chest rising and falling, her eyes blinking away the wetness that started to form in her eyes.
Will had a talent, that was for sure. He displayed part of that talent in front of the whole school last week when he performed Toxic with the kids. He had most, if not all, of the teenage females swooning and claiming they wanted his babies. Emma recognized that talent and she loved watching him perform even if it was inappropriate but his real talent lied in performances such as this. Where it was just him and his guitar or him and a piano and he poured his heart and soul into every word he sang. That was the kind of performance that really impressed her, that really had her swooning.
"And when I touch you I feel happy inside
..its such a feeling that my love,
I can't hide, I can't hide, I can't hide."
As the song started to build so did Will's emotions and as the song reached its climax she could see, feel, and hear every ounce of pain, longing, and love he was feeling.
"Yeah you, got that something
I think you'll understand
when I feel that something,
I want to hold your hand.
I want to hold your hand
i want to hold your hand
I want to hold your hand."
As the song came to a close, Will lifted his head into the light and Emma could see the glistening tears in his eyes. She forced back her own tears, sucked in a breath and slowly started to applaud his performance.
Will's back straightened and he glanced around the auditorium frantically looking for the source of the noise. His eyes finally settled on Emma and his face twisted up in shock.
Emma slowly made her way down the aisle, still applauding quietly and a small smile crossing her face. "That's the Will I know."
Will blinked in surprise and he set his guitar down next to him as Emma made her way onto the stage.
"What are you doing here?" Emma frowned at his words and at her set back expression he quickly elaborated. "Did you know I would be in here?"
Emma shook her head slowly, biting her lip. "Rachel brought me here. She said that there was going to be a special performance. I guess she meant you."
Will smiled somewhat sheepishly and wrung his hands together in his lap. "I...I didn't know anyone was going to be in here. There wasn't even glee rehearsal today."
Emma smiled slightly and she licked her lips, taking a few steps toward him. Will watched her legs as she moved towards him and then his eyes drifted upwards towards her face and she could still see the glistening in his eyes.
"So," She cleared her throat, "The Beatles?"
He ducked his head and smirked, chucking softly. "Yeah." He rubbed his palms nervously against his thighs. "The kids wanted to The Beatles for their glee assignment this week and I thought I'd participate...in the right way this time." He smiled sheepishly up at her and her smile widened.
"It was a very good performance Will. I love when you sing like that." She admitted shyly.
"Well I figured I'd sing something that really came from the heart." His voice was soft as he bravely locked eyes with her and her face softened.
"The song has more feeling when the lyrics actually mean something." He added in sincerely loving tone.
"Will..." She whispered, her breath catching in her chest.
He smiled sadly at her and glanced back down at his lap. Emma sighed quietly and started to walk towards him again, her heels clicking against the stage floor. She paused when she was standing only inches from him and slowly slid her hand onto his shoulder.
Will slowly glanced up at her, his brow furrowing and his eyes questioning her move. She licked her lips and tightened her grip on his shoulder.
"Listen..." She whispered, staring bravely into his sad eyes. "You will always have a part of my heart."
Will tensed beneath her and shock crossed his features followed shortly after by hope. She didn't want to shoot him down but she didn't want to get his hopes up too high.
"But so does Carl." She whispered and his face fell so quickly it nearly broke her heart.
"And right now.." She swallowed as her voice shook, "right now I think its best that I am with Carl."
Will closed his eyes tightly for a brief second and bowed his head to avoid her gaze. She felt his shoulders droop under her touch and she resisted the urge to hug him.
As his body started to quiver just the slightest bit Emma threw all her cautious thinking to the world. Without taking her hand off of his shoulder she walked around him and bravely sat down on his lap.
Will glanced up at her in shock and confusion and she smiled softly and then brought her head down to the rest in the crook of his neck. "I'm sorry Will." She whispered.
"For?" His voice shook quietly as his arms hesitantly came around her to support her weight.
"For putting you through this." She nuzzled her nose into his neck. "I hate seeing you like this."
She could feel his Adam's apple bobbing as he swallowed and he let out a small, bitter laugh. "I deserve it though."
Emma felt her heart clench painfully and she slipped her arm around him, hugging him the best she could. "You don't, no one deserves this."
"After what I did to you Emma I deserve this a hundred fold." He muttered into her hair and her lips trembled at the pain in his voice.
"No." She whimpered against his neck. "You don't Will, you don't." She sniffled quietly and hugged him tighter. "Please don't beat yourself up over this."
"How can I not?" He whispered. "How can I not beat myself up when the only thing good in my life, the one thing, the one person who made me the happiest I've ever been, I lost because of my own stupid mistakes."
Emma closed her eyes tightly and fought the tears that were threatening to fall.
"I regret it every moment of every day Emma. It hurts because I brought it upon myself and I'll never forgive myself even if one day, by some miracle, you're in my arms again." He paused, tightened his arms around her and buried his face in her hair. "Really in my arms again with no other man to welcome you into his."
"If only..." She breathed against him, disguising it as a sigh.
"What?" He whispered breathlessly.
Her eyes widened in alarm. He had heard the words she was sure he couldn't. She closed her eyes tightly, refusing to look at him.
"Emma.." He whispered into her hair. His voice was gentle but serious as he promised her his next words. "One day I will make you see that I am the man you once fell in love with."
Emma sighed into his chest and as a single tear rolled down her cheek a single thought ran through her mind.
You already have.